kevindsingleton 

We brought my parents up from Texas, last year. My dad was suffering with dementia, and my mom was struggling to take care of him. Neither were capable of driving, safely, and we wanted to try to help. I lost my job, just a month after bringing them up, so that freed up some time to get them settled and find doctors and such. My dad fell and broke his leg, and never really recovered from the surgery. He went from partially aware to totally unaware, overnight. It was only a few weeks before he was no longer able to eat, or breathe, without assistance, and he passed away just a few days later.

My mom seemed to rebound, after dad passed, but she didn't eat properly, causing wild swings in her sugar levels, and she eventually passed in her sleep, earlier this year.

Everyone we talked to, including a family counselor, said that we were getting into something that was going to be more difficult than we'd ever imagined, and they were right. If someone were to ask me, today, I would say the same thing. If I had to do it all over again, I'd start packing for the trip to Texas, now.

Gerryattrick

I went up to Dad's house yesterday to sort out a few matters for the undertaker. I've obviously been feeling a bit low this week so I put the bike in the car and then went from his house on a 40 mile ride through the mountain roads I used to ride as a kid. Beautiful scenery, tough on the legs and lungs, but only overtaken by a dozen cars on the ride and it really helped me clear my head.

Cycling is good for the mind as well as the body!

Rick@OCRR

Wow, reading through this, I've never been so glad that both of my parents have died!

Rick / OCRR

CasualBikerJay

Spouse took a short-term job with an at-home help for the elderly (so that she could complete a missing quarter for Social Security benefits), usually doing three to four-hour shifts.

Her mom was in assisted living "memory unit" for a number of years, and today she remarked how hard it must be for the care employees to deal with this environment for a full work day, every day.

And we know what the pay scale is around these places.

moth54

Scott, I don't know how I missed this the 'first time around' but if you are 'still there' can you elaborate?

wnl256

What katzenfinch wrote:

A few years ago my dad (in his 80s) went in for bypass surgery. He basically went from doctor visit for difficulty breathing to hospital to operation in less than 24 hours. Afterwards I travelled the 400 miles down to help take care of him during his initial recovery, since my mom isn't able to do so on her own. I brought my bike, and I rode for about an hour on most mornings. It was stress relief, and it was very much needed. Fortunately my mom understood and agreed that it was a good idea.

It isn't selfish. You aren't going there to ride, you are going there to help take care of him.

rob214

very good advice here, i had a stroke from stress and part of that stress was my parents, always take care of yourself and family but take time for yourself, stress on care takers is very high.
rob

ltxi

I commiserate with those here dealing with elder care. Btdt and it can be really stressful, and expensive. Other than a "distant" 96 y/o stepmother, all my last generation folk are gone. My 18 year younger wife's parents have both died, one long term lingering traumatically. She still has an aunt and uncle we care a lot about, but they're quite self sufficient and prepared....much like our generation.

canklecat

To some extent I can understand why scott would say that. Unfortunately it would take a magazine length article to elaborate. I've intended to post some of these experiences on my own blog, but have been reluctant to do so out of concern for other family members and friends who may not have been aware of the difficulties involved in looking after aging loved ones.

For the most part my experiences with social workers, visiting nurses, home health aides, etc., have ranged from neutral to positive. I haven't had any outright negative experiences in this particular context: caring for older loved ones at home.

However I do know some folks who've had bad experiences in caring for elderly family, adopted children, etc. Usually this occurs when conflicting interests are involved. For example, an extended family may dump all the responsibility onto one family member, offering little or no help, but criticizing that carer for everything they do. Often this occurs when the family are competing for bigger slices of the inheritance. And I've even seen some visiting church members contribute to the aggravation when their main interest was trying to persuade the dying family member to bequeath everything to the church.

So it can get ugly. Especially if other family members, church members, visitors, etc., file complaints with adult protective services, etc.

I've been fortunate that nothing like that happened with the three older family members I've cared for. We didn't even experience the too-familiar ransacking of the house for loot after a family member dies. I practically had to beg folks to come by and help themselves to whatever keepsakes they might enjoy. Most of it was auctioned off and divided among the designated inheritors. Remarkably neat and orderly and drama free.

Not everyone has that sort of positive or at least neutral experience.

The biggest complaint I've had about visiting nurses and home health aides is that they're flaky and unreliable. Aides in particular are often unskilled, drawing minimum wage for a very difficult job. Every aide I've met had problems of her own that distracted them from consistently doing a good job. Either they had health problems of their own, sick kids, sick spouses, husbands with legal problems, or were so broke they couldn't even afford to maintain a working vehicle to get to and from work. After years of this I finally gave up on the visiting nurses and home health aides for my mom. And coincidentally she'd lost her Medicaid funding for that service anyway. We may reapply since she's eligible, but I'll be much more particular about the service and expectations. My mom is remarkably easy to look after, compared with some folks, and I would think any experienced home health aide would be delighted to have her as a client.