DaveQ24

Really bad day and bad ride outcome yesterday - I could write pages but will try to cut to the points.

Yesterday: ride goal was 120 round trip Ann Arbor and back. Started bad with a "cop stop" in my driveway at 2:45 am - bike with lights on, I was rummaging through car for stuff I needed, cop drove by and was just checking - scared me was all. Then I stopped for upset stomach meds and did a full backwards hard fall on damp tile floor because I was wearing mt shoes with carbon soles. Then my phone cord unclipped and shredded in my wheel, so stopped at gas station for new lightning cable. Then stopped a couple of times for restroom, was slow and felt bad but kept going. I was 8-10 miles from AA and my phone rang at 8:15 - tech to remind me 11 am appt for in-driveway windshield replacement - so I turned around and pushed it - and ended up bonking and/or hypoglycemic/dehydrated or something - collapsed under trees at edge of a Kroger parking lot 30 miles from home, laid in grass and puked for 15-20 minutes then got sick in men's room for an hour. Had to call sister to cover appt then rescue me.

On the ride home I swore I was gonna haul every bike, all gear, all cycling clothes, shoes, gloves to the curb with a free sign - like 75, 80, maybe $100K spent the past 5 years. But I was puking again and crashed for hours and slept a little.

My Issue with this: all of those expensive vs cheap bike flame-war threads on BF - one truth, expensive bikes don't make an athlete. I wanted to be an athlete as a kid but it was forbidden. He had time to **** me and beat me and pin me down with a loaded rifle but not the time at 7 years old to bother to throw two Fu$&@"€ pitches of a baseball to me. So I freaked out 5 years ago and tried to purge my demons by radical reinvention - reinvent my physical and mental health as a new man, athlete, confident, strong - gym, trainers, lifting, swimming, triathlon, cycling, bike club yada yada yada. My physical health sucks - anemia, asthma, arthritis, bad veins, carpal tunnel, other junk. First few years I "played through the pain" no matter what - nothing stopped me. Had vein surgeries 7 times on my legs 2013/2014, instructions were don't even get it wet in the shower, slow walks, rest elevate - I was wrapping my leg ankle to groin in 3 layers of parafilm and waterproof tape and swimming laps the next morning, treadmill running in 48 hours - stupid idiot.

I can take $100K out of the bank for bikes - but I can't buy a new me, buy a new body without physical illness or a new soul without mental illness. I can't be the new me - a strong confident healthy handsome man who would never let himself be ***** and beaten. All i feel is sick and weak body mind and soul. All I see in the mirror is ugly fat stupid "not good enough, never good enough" an Abomination who God has abandoned, foresaken or abhors and condemns to suffer.

Can't ride fast, can't ride far enough, can't ride consistent enough. No amount of S-Works or Di2 or Pearl Izumi can fix that.

So I'm this pathetic wannabe poser loser and I should just accept that and wait for my final judgment from God I guess?

bikemig 

There are not a lot of great things about getting older but one cool thing is that you learn how to live with your body. @RobbieTunes, who doesn't spend much time on this subforum, has the coolest jersey which pretty much sums it up; on the jersey, it says "the older I get, the faster I used to be." Go at whatever pace you like, ride whatever distance you like, and-frankly--enjoy less expensive bikes. There are so many really beautiful, solid bikes on CL going for decent prices that I don't see the need for a new bike. Nothing wrong with a new bike but it won't make you any faster. It has never been about the bike.

Trsnrtr

OP, I feel your pain. When things go wrong, they really go wrong.

On a lighter note, I returned home from a particularly bad round of golf and had my clubs out in the garage and was getting ready to cut the shafts in half with a chop saw. My wife stopped me and said to not cut them up, just sell them. I said, no, I didn't want anyone else to suffer the way I had.

jppe

I've learned there are many and always unpredictable days on the bike. I can't find or predict a pattern. The unpredictability only increases with age and are compounded even more by the stuff you're wrestling with. Relish the good to great days of riding and push through the other days!! But for you it sounds like that's not much different from your days off the bike???? Hang in there!

mileslong

I don't see any problems with your bikes or your incredible growth in your abilities to ride them.... I do think you have a defective mirror. Having done it, I know that the process of working through adverse childhood experiences is long and often times overwhelming.

The thing that helped me was learning how to reframe my experiences and, difficult though it was, to seek to find the value in the fact that I had ( have ) the courage, the intelligence, the resourcefulness, the strength and the desire to persevere through treatment that no child should ever have to endure. Stop looking at the things you aren't and start appreciating all the things you are.

It seems you may be early in this process, give yourself some credit, you have done an amazing amount of work so far! I encourage you to continue to process your thoughts and feelings in these posts and any other methods you choose...... and maybe think about getting a new mirror.

JonathanGennick 

Greetings from "up north!" I don't normally haunt this forum, but I am actually over 50 and just happened to notice your post this morning.

What an awful experience, and sometimes a ride does go south like that.

Do you enjoy the experience of riding? I'm also trying to claw back some fitness. I ride for fitness, but I ride for fitness because I genuinely just enjoy being out on the bike.

FWIW, I take a more kid-like approach to riding. No spandex. No carbon shoes. Just skater-style shoes on BMX pedals with pins that'll shred your shins. No iphone or computer or strava or anything like that.

Maybe forget about speed and distance. Maybe plan some fun rides. Explore your area. Pick some gravel road you've never followed before, and see where it goes.

PaulH

Nobody who pushes through pain, bonks, and pukes can possibly be a poser. Nobody who pushes their limits can be an abomination under God. You sure sound like an athlete to me, so get a new mirror.

On the other hand, there is more to life than athletics and struggle. How about some easy, comfortable rides to get back in touch with the joy of motion?

Tony_G

First, if you aren't already aware of it, familiarize yourself with the “no true Scotsman” fallacy.

Person A: "No Scotsman puts sugar on his porridge."
Person B: "But my uncle Angus likes sugar with his porridge."
Person A: "Ah yes, but no true Scotsman puts sugar on his porridge."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_true_Scotsman

The supposition that no true cyclist would have trouble riding 120 miles, or no true cyclist would fall onto their ass in bike cleats is a logical fallacy.

You had a bad day. Nothing more. Your focus was no doubt broken by your unwanted brush with law enforcement.

Regarding the vomiting, could this be a side effect of any new meds that you may be taking?

Last, I myself am a numbers guy. Biking is no exception. But I try hard to only look back at my numbers, from the comfort of my desktop computer. Because I have noticed that the moment I start worrying about my numbers while on a ride, I stop enjoying that ride.

qcpmsame 

It was definitely not your best day, by a long shot. But you don't need to let one off day define you as a cyclist. You just let the monster win again if you give in and stop cycling. You aren't a poseur either, you are much better a person than the people that want to classify you by how much your bicycle cost, or what it is made from. None of them are you, nor do they have the right to try to classify you according to an arbitrary set of made up standards. I have the feeling that anxiety had a part in your nausea and vomiting, best to back away when the meter shows things starting to drain away your own personal volts and amperage.

Make the best of your next day's riding and push the memory of these bad times away completely. I'll wager that you are fully capable of cranking out some serious mileage, but be certain that you are ready and willing to peacefully and enjoyably ride at all. Let the good memories about riding be the defining ones that you retain. Good on you for venting to let the bad time get purged, now fill the void with some positive cycling miles.

Bill

steve0257

Why does one have to ride 120 miles to be a cyclist?

To me, cycling has never been about being an athlete. It is something I do because I enjoy it. With changes in my job along with my aging I can no longer ride as fast or as far as I used to. That doesn't mean I can no longer ride and enjoy it. I just had to change the type of rides I do.

Tokwan

Its not about the bike. Its how you ride it.
So what if others ride 120 a day and you ride 10 a day?
So you had a bad day? Remember the days before, when you enjoyed cycling. There's more to come.

70sSanO

Not sure what to say, but I'll start off by congratulating you on riding 70 miles, most of them in the dark. There are thousands of cyclists out there that can't ride 70 miles. Which means there are thousands out there who look up to what you did and wish they could ride that far. I don't ride that far. For years I have told people that I'm a 25 miler, I've ridden further, but that is my preferred distance.

As for your demons, I can't honestly say how I would handle your situation if I went through that. I think you deserve admiration for how hard you push yourself and not give up. I also think you set yourself up for failure by setting athletic goals that 99% of the population could never attain. Just by what you can accomplish puts you far and beyond athletically superior to most people.

I can't answer why God allows bad things to happen. I have never heard a good reason and the ones given are usually by people who haven't experienced horrible events. I don't know how many doctors, psychiatrists, support groups, churches, etc. you have tried. I do think that the right medication will help with your outbursts and really hope you pursue that. For years my wife has read and listened to Joyce Meyer. Not trying to push anything on you, but it has been good for her.

Don't give up, just take it one day at a time.

John

TimothyH

OP needs counseling.

Being beaten by your parents and having a rifle in your face are extremely traumatic and professional help is needed to work through this.

He has more problems than just being an athlete and puking. OP needs to see a psychologist.

tyrion

Riding until you puke is the opposite of "poser".

shelbyfv

As with many things, cycling is not for everyone. Most of us make our own decisions as to which activities suit us.

CliffordK

A lot of negativity in your post. Too much daydreaming on the bike?

As others have mentioned, hopping on your bike for a 120 mile morning ride isn't anything to scoff about. How many of your neighbors do that?

It sounds like you are hitting the riding/exercising pretty hard. Perhaps take a step back and do it for FUN not to be the ironman.

I also believe that exercise is good for the body, and cycling has an intensity that one can do for hours. It is good for leg, heart, and whole body circulation. I'm not sure about joint health, but it seems to me that it also helps with knees and perhaps other joints.

Just, if you're not planning on knocking Chris Froome out of the TDF, perhaps back off the on the training intensity a bit.

Also, pay attention to yourself. Get some calories/carbs and water for those long rides. A few rest breaks, & don't squeeze too much into a day.

Just keep at it.

FrenchFit 

Counseling wouldn't be a bad idea, if not..then simply stop judging. You know, I'm in my sixties, run half marathons, bike and work-out all the time, and my friends seem to think I'm an "athlete". I am not, I am just having fun. Whatever other people might say, I don't really own it...that's about them and not about me. Smiling inside matters to me. If a $8K bike would make me really happy I would buy one, but I don't think it would....

If I had the morning you had, I might just retire to a piece of cherry pie, call it a bad day. Me thinks you care and judge just a little too much...and that's not good for body or soul.

bargeon

I think the answer to the question in the subject line and the final paragraph may be Yes.

John E

My wife takes ballet lessons 3 or 4 times per week and sometimes gets depressed when she compares herself to the 19-year-olds in the class. I keep telling her to be objective, to enjoy ballet, and to acknowledge that she is in far better shape than most other 67-year-old grandmothers. I told her I keep going to the YMCA, even though there are plenty of guys who can lift far more weight than I ever could, and that I keep cycling, even though I get passed pretty regularly on the road or trails. It is easier for me because I have always been devoid of natural athletic ability. I just do what I enjoy doing, work at staying in shape for her and for myself, and compare myself with only one other person -- myself.

DaveQ24

So I had an interesting, cathartic day of cleaning my garage. I purged a lot of useless junk. It feels good to accomplish something.

Someone mentioned logical fallacies. When I'm not in this hyperemotional state that the psychologist calls "activation" it's easy to pick out the primary logical error I make - I believe I bear responsibility for his bad acts, attributing them to character flaws I believe I have because he projected his own self-hatred outward.

linberl

If you get back on the bike the next day, then today was not a bad day. It was just a day that made you stronger. Reframe how think about it. When you survive a horrible childhood or a severe life-threatening illness or other catastrophic situation, you win. Every day you dust yourself off and try again is proof you survived and won. The miles don't matter as much as you think.

Biker395 

This.

None of us are getting paid to ride (well, at least I don't think so), so the point is to enjoy yourself. That means different things to different people. Some are goal driven. Some are socially driven. Some are solitude driven. Some aren't driven at all, they just do what seems to make sense to them at the time. It's all good.

It's like a room full of people arguing about who enjoys sex more than the others. What's the point? If you subjectively think you're enjoying it, you've won.

Enjoy the ride ... by whatever measure you decide.

canklecat

This x 1,000.

spokes5678

Biking is life, sometimes it's a good day sometimes it's not.
Like a lot of people on here my best days are behind me.
Old age and a crumbling body will slow you down in the end.
As hard as it is the bike's meant to be a respite from all the other problems.
I can't count the number of times I've set off on a five hour ride and it suddenly turns into just two
or last years Hotter'n. Hell that turned from a six hour ride into a more than seven hour one.
All this after my two year older buddy ( age seventy one ) was rocking out in the beer tent when my
emaciated form crawled in.
There are going to be more days like this.
Don't care what others think; fancy bikes make it easier, and the people from your past, like my past, couldn't
make seven miles let alone seventy.
Keep on, it's the best revenge.

BlazingPedals

You toughed this one out as far as you could. Next time, go easier on yourself. It's supposed to be fun.