Thanks again, Stapfam. I know which way to turn the pedals, so they're just tight. I did call REI to make sure they hadn't locktigted them. They didn't, and they didn't come up with a custom pedal/crank using all right, or all left threads. They claim they didn't do that either, which I believe.
I have no problems with scrapping the pedals and getting a good 6 point socket on them (they're hex), or even drilling them out. If the LBS isn't interested in endangering that aluminum crank, I'll drive back to Albuquerque next weekend.