Thanks again, Stapfam. I know which way to turn the pedals, so they're just tight. I did call REI to make sure they hadn't locktigted them. They didn't, and they didn't come up with a custom pedal/crank using all right, or all left threads. They claim they didn't do that either, which I believe.
I have no problems with scrapping the pedals and getting a good 6 point socket on them (they're hex), or even drilling them out. If the LBS isn't interested in endangering that aluminum crank, I'll drive back to Albuquerque next weekend.
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.