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Thread: Dear Abbey,

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    Happy Rider
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    Dear Abbey,

    I've been divorced 9 or 10 years after 29 yrs of marriage.. Sorry, I have a hard "time" with time. I started going out w/a lady a few months after the breakup about 8-1/2 years ago and we have a good time; however, I want to travel, take bike tours and go places I've never been and she wants to take care of her mom, 97, and live a rigid schedule. My business is conducted via phone,(no, I'm not a telemarketer) and I have tremendous amounts of free time. I am fortunate to be able to travel where and when I want. What should I do? Over the last few years, we've taken a lot of trips; however, they are only after a knock down, drag out war.

    So Abbey, what should i do? I don't want to go to Mexico, Jamacia and Costa Rica by myself and I don't want to have a "war" to be able to travel--but------I don't want to go w/someone looking for a trip.

    Thank you,
    Card
    Last edited by card; 08-04-07 at 09:51 PM.
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    Approaching Nirvana megaman's Avatar
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    You've got to decide what's more important to you. Then communicate. Sometimes life doesn't take us where we really would like to go.
    "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
    -- Albert Einstein

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    I would say it depends on your SO's relationship with her mother. Is her mother the reason she wants to stay close to home, or is her mother the excuse she's currently using to stay close to home? Assuming her mother passes away in the next few years, will she lighten up, or find a new "mission?"

    This is all very close to me, because I'm watching my sister-in-law live out the same scenario. She was always too bothered to do anything but care for her mother. Then, when her mother died, she immediately took up with a man in his 70's who needed constant care. That's who she wanted/needed to be, and when it wasn't her mother, she found someone else to fuss over. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but you may not want to live with it the rest of your life.
    Last edited by Big Paulie; 08-05-07 at 12:01 AM.

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    Senior Member Wildwood's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by card View Post
    So Abbey, what should i do?
    IMHO - Getting married later in life is supposed to be about complimenting each other and having a good time, it shouldn't be about compromise and responsibility. I like Big Paulie's question (ie., Is the Mother the reason for her behavior or the excuse for her behaviorJ). Stay friends til you get the answer to all your questions. If she doesn't enjoy what you enjoy, I'd pass on commitment.
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    Thanks for the comments. I actually thought I'd get tremendously flamed on this one; but, the situation is, I want to travel, I don't want to travel by myself and it's not fun to take a trip after a grand battle to get the trip. And whether she would take up another cause??????????-------probably, because she lives her life on a schedule and I, working in the oil fields, have no schedule. My living is made being able to respond to my customers needs when they have problems. Was it L. Ron Hubbard that said, "Life is Difficult"??????
    Bike to live, live to eat!!

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    Senior Member Old School's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wildwood View Post
    Stay friends til you get the answer to all your questions. If she doesn't enjoy what you enjoy, I'd pass on commitment.
    Not bad advice...except that you may die before you get all your answers.

    Sit down and communicate the importance of travel for you and see how she responds. I know several folks who have a platonic traveling companion that is not their spouse or significant other. Can you enjoy traveling without her??
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW! WHAT A RIDE!"

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    You're not married to her and its eight and a half years later and you're still trying to figure out the answer to this question? If you haven't figured it out in eight and half years I don't think I could say anything that would matter.
    Most economic fallacies derive from the tendency to assume that there is a fixed pie, that one party can gain only at the expense of another.....Milton Friedman

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    I need more cowbell. Digital Gee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by card View Post
    Thanks for the comments. I actually thought I'd get tremendously flamed on this one; but, the situation is, I want to travel, I don't want to travel by myself and it's not fun to take a trip after a grand battle to get the trip. And whether she would take up another cause??????????-------probably, because she lives her life on a schedule and I, working in the oil fields, have no schedule. My living is made being able to respond to my customers needs when they have problems. Was it L. Ron Hubbard that said, "Life is Difficult"??????
    No, it was M. Scott Peck, who wrote The Road Less Traveled.
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    Senior Member Red Baron's Avatar
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    If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with. (make a good song Huh?)

    All I read in your post spells trouble.
    **Fate is a fickle thing, and in the end the true measure of a person is not fate itself, but how they master it**

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    You want freedom, she wants rigidity.

    You only take trips after a knockdown, drag out war.

    You've gone together 8.5 years, yet not moved forward in the relationship.

    There are other ladies out there.

    This relationship is not on a good basis.

    Move on!
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    Banned. The Weak Link's Avatar
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    May I suggest www.russian-women.net?

    What could be better? They love to travel (by definition), they don't care what you look like (in theory), and they appear to be hotties by law.

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    I have a somewhat similar situation--except that I'm actually married. We've worked out a pretty good compromise. I'm not recommending this for anyone else but, FWIW, here's what works for us. There's no fighting; but there is a mutal reaspect for each other's differences:

    My wife isn't much of a traveler, but I am. I don't like to travel by myself either, so I join one or two (or three) week-long bike tours per year. They're always a blast. I've made many, many friendly aquaintances and a few friends whom I stay in touch with--and sometimes travel with on other tours. Camping trips run by XOBA or TRIRI (google 'em--you can also find many others) are very reasonable, but if you want to go upscale, Backroads.com and others give you a fairly luxurious experience (with corresponding prices).

    BTW, other type tours exist--from hiking to bird watching to riding steam locomotives.

    It's not the prefect solution. I would like to travel more, and it would be swell if wifey came along more, but life is full of give and take, and da wife and I are committed to each other's happiness.

    BTW, when you're old and gray, she might look after you with the same care she's giving her mom. Just sayin'.
    Last edited by Jet Travis; 08-05-07 at 08:21 AM.
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    Senior Member George's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jet Travis View Post
    I have a somewhat similar situation--except that I'm actually married. We've worked out a pretty good compromise. I'm not recommending this for anyone else but, FWIW, here's what works for us. There's no fighting; but there is a mutal reaspect for each other's differences:

    My wife isn't much of a traveler, but I am. I don't like to travel by myself either, so I join one or two (or three) week-long bike tours per year. They're always a blast. I've made many, many friendly aquaintances and a few friends whom I stay in touch with--and sometimes travel with on other tours. Camping trips run by XOBA or TRIRI (google 'em--you can also find many others) are very reasonable, but if you want to go upscale, Backroads.com and others give you a fairly luxurious experience (with corresponding prices).

    BTW, other type tours exist--from hiking to bird watching to riding steam locomotives.

    It's not the prefect solution. I would like to travel more, and it would be swell if wifey came along more, but life is full of give and take, and da wife and I are committed to each other's happiness.

    BTW, when you're old and gray, she might look after you with the same care she's giving her mom. Just sayin'.
    That sounds like a winner.
    George

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    Squirrel solveg's Avatar
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    2 of my best friends are people that don't like to leave their house... One likes the idea* of travel, but you can't even get him to go out for lunch unless it's within a few miles. It's the hassle of it, I think.

    The other one has absolutely no desire to see anything different. She just likes her life exactly the way it is, doesn't like disruptions, and the fact that she won't drive on a freeway or if there's a snowflake in the air adds to her homebody tendencies.

    I, on the other hand, get stir crazy if I'm in the same place too long. I find it makes me a better person to be reminded that's it's a huge world out there where things are done differently. Keeps me adaptable.

    Anyway, I'd never* date my male friend, and both of them drive me crazy, because we end up doing the same activities over and over... usually me driving over there and sitting in the living room and talking. They're both interesting people and, like I said, they're two of my best friends. But if I ever had my life tied up with theirs too closely, I'd really start to resent their inflexibilities.

    On the other hand, I also think it's admirable to like your life exactly* as it is and not want to mess with it.

  15. #15
    Coyote!
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    That 'Dnvr fella' is pretty smart. Tough, but good insight notwithstanding the resulting [and temporary] lonliness. . .but it's time to make tracks, Card.

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    I don't know what to say, except that a "knock down, drag out fight" is a red flag in my book. Is your relationship with her important enough to you to reach a compromise before it gets to that point?
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    Life is to short to go to war.
    Cut the cord.
    Start over.
    Find someone who likes the things you do and go on your trips with her.

    Just my 2 cents.

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    You are very brave for putting it out there for all to see. Have you ever considered any kind of couples counseling? Does your SO like to go out to dinner & the movies, or is that a struggle too? If she is entirely house bound, maybe she has agoraphobia??

    I like Jet Travis' idea of group touring and finding travel buddies. Of course, you should have some couple vacations too. What are her interests? Maybe physical activity is not her cup of tea. I'm more like you and would love to tour new places & bike through exotic locations.

    My husband travels a lot for his work (fighting wildland fires & emergency response team work like the space shuttle crash, 9-11, etc.) Since he's gone at times when I'm holding down the fort, sometimes I go places on my own too - Guaymas, Mexico (school exchange trip), Yuma, California to see relatives, etc.

    People don't always need to vacation together but at least a few times a year would be nice. Can see your frustration, but would advise action instead of suffering.

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    How's the sex?

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    Senior Member Old School's Avatar
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    Make this a "poll" instead of a advice column and you will have your answer...
    But the real question is "should I make important life decisions based on feedback from anonymous individuals on the Internet?" Just sayin'...
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW! WHAT A RIDE!"

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    Senior Member Garfield Cat's Avatar
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    Maybe skip L.Ron Hubbard, and consult Dr. Phil.

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    I need more cowbell. Digital Gee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Old School View Post
    Make this a "poll" instead of a advice column and you will have your answer...
    But the real question is "should I make important life decisions based on feedback from anonymous individuals on the Internet?" Just sayin'...
    And the answer to that is .... "Absolutely!"
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    Email for new group DnvrFox's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Old School View Post
    Make this a "poll" instead of a advice column and you will have your answer...
    But the real question is "should I make important life decisions based on feedback from anonymous individuals on the Internet?" Just sayin'...
    Anonymous!

    Huh!
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    Happy Rider
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    Quote Originally Posted by Digital Gee View Post
    And the answer to that is .... "Absolutely!"
    If decisions were made by a poll, there would be no white bikes.
    Bike to live, live to eat!!

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    I would seriously reconsider taking trips alone. It might be the ideal place to meet women who like to take trips.

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