solveg

I'm beginning to suspect that my mother has early stages of alzheimers. Her Grandma most likely had it, her mom currently has it, and I'll probably get it some day. I'm not posting this for sympathy...I'm wondering if anyone has come across a way of taking care of parents without putting your own dreams on hold. Actually, I'm getting too old to put dreams on hold... it means giving them up and getting new ones, I guess. I know I'm being selfish wondering about my own life, but if I'm destined to get alzheimers, then I only have a good 20 years left of my own, so I can't help worrying about getting in all I want to do in life. I know situations are different for everyone, but I'll bet it's universal that it's important to take care of ourselves while we're caregiving.

In other words, how do people balance bike trips in France with helping out loved ones in time of need? And why does this responsibility fall only on the daughters?

Vieja Cabra

I don't have all your answers, but it doesn't just fall on the daughters. I'm the youngest of four, being a daughter, son, daughter, and then me. My father died when I was a teen. The burden of financially taking care of my mother began to fall on me when I was in my 20's. My mother is now 87 and in a nursing home/assisted living since last February. My older brother, who is pretty much retired, helps also. Matter of fact, he's probably spent more time helping her during the last few years than I have.

My sisters, God love 'em, do very little other than call and visit.

In my case, I give up weekends when I'd rather be doing something else.

I just ask myself if she ever gave up her time for me.

This doesn't answer your question. I don't know if there is an answer. We just each have to ask ourselves what is important. All we really have in this world, when it comes down to it, are people and time, and we know not how much of the latter we will receive.

DnvrFox

There was a big deal on TV last night about Omega 3 fish oil preventing Alzheimers. You might check it out. I think it was some pretty good research.

Omega 3 seems to be good for lots of things, including reducing cholesterol.

In regards to the rest of your question, we have sort of lived our life in reverse. We spent umpteen years totally without social life and personal goals caring for our son, Andy, and then assisting Tim after his spinal cord injury, and then assisting Andy again after his spinal cord injury.

You do what you have to do.

It wasn't until I was in my late 50's that I actually had a chance to work on some "personal" goals, such as bicycling, etc.

JanMM

There have been reports in the media of numerous studies showing that exercise can prevent/delay the onset of dementia. That helps your mother in that it will help you maintain your faculties so that you can continue to help her. Keep riding.

Pamestique 

Funny you bring this up as I have ben struggling with the thought and problem just recently.

I am a 56 year old woman who lives alone, has no children and very little family. That didn't bother me as I have great friends and enjoy my life. Get me out on a bike and I have happy forever.

Just 2 years ago my father was dx'd with Alzheimers. He is rapidly deterioating and is at the stage where he is confused, combative and goes in and out of recognition. It is a real stuggle for our family, since it is all spread out everywhere. I definitely plan a trip home next spring in order to see my dad before all memory is lost. It's so sad to see this once bright intelligent strong man become child like.

But my recent struggle is wondering if this is going to be my fate. It scares me to worry! In 2003 I had a serious head injury and still suffer effects from that, plus regular old age I have become forgetful but I can't help wondering if its the early stages of the disease. I can get tested but do I really want to know the answer? And being alone, I have no idea what I will do.

Anyway you do what you can do to help your mom out. Remember it can be just old age, or dementia and not Alzheimers. It's tough and I understand.

Little Darwin

I haven't been in the situation, but I would like to comment.

What does your mother want? I bet that she wouldn't want you to put your dreams on hold for her.

The ideal would be to balance the needs of your mother, with your needs to live life.

Based on a friend's experiences, Alzheimer's does progress differently with different people. Hopefully your mother's case will be manageable. My friend had a grandmother and mother both with Alzheimers... The grandmother has since died at a ripe old age, but while she was alive, she was more functional than the mother.

Do some research (not just online, but also with some real authorities) to determine if anything can be done with diet or environment to help the situation, and help your mother establish the good habits sooner rather than later. Even do the unproven stuff, like eliminating the drinking of beverages from aluminum cans... Since we don't know, we can at least take the easy steps that won't hurt anything, and might help.

I also have grown into the opinion that I pay taxes to take care of people that can't take care of themselves... including (if needed) my family. Of course, I am fortunate to pay more in taxes than many people make... But, with no direct benefit, maybe that is where the cynical attitude comes from. However, I do urge you to use any public resources at your disposal... I give you my permission as a tax payer. Research what help is available before it is needed so you don't have to search during the more stressful time. Also, keep up to date in case the rules change...

Do the things you have dreamed, but maybe trimmed back just a little. I say this because it sounds like you would probably feel guilty if you didn't take steps to help your mom as much as possible. So, do make some minor sacrifices to your dreams, but only in modifying them, not putting them on hold.

In summary, you are going to be facing potentially hard times, don't make them harder by giving up on your dreams. You need to be able to give of yourself when the time comes, and that will be easier if you don't have to deal with the sadness of unfulfilled dreams at the same time.

Jet Travis

Should your mother be evaluated by a physician? I would think early detection would provide the best treatment options, if, in fact, the diagnosis is positive. And the possibility exists that you'll get good news.

Road Fan

Altzheimer's diagnosis is not an exact science. Based on our experience with my father in law and my mother, accurate diagnosis required brain autopsy, to see actual organic deterioration. Neurophysiologists can perform batteries of capability tests and over time (repeating the test perhaps year later) see changes in capability. As the offspring we are probably the most sensitive early indicators, shich means we should communicate what we see to our parents' primary care physicians.

A friend who is a geriatric psychiatrist told me he thinks 80% of all geriatric dementia is Altzheimer's, but I don't know if his view is data-based, or his observations in his practice.

So, Solveg, yes, your mother should be evaluated by a physician.

As far as continuing your life and dreams, during my dad's illness I (the only family member nearby) took a lot of time off of work and seriously compromised my sleep and cycling, dealing with doctor's appointments, emergency hospitalizations, conferring with the doctors so I could communicate accurately with the rest of the family, et cetera. My mom as his survivor required a lot of attention until she moved to live closer to my brother. Now I still have the financial and probate-related work to handle, but at least my brother will handle the personal side.

This year I'm talking about doing a century, my first. Last few years I was happy to be close to maintaining weight.

What would have helped? More family nearby, multiple resources to divide the time obligations.

Thankfully my dad saved well, and both of their expenses are containable within retirement accounts and insurance.

Road Fan

Road Fan

I'm reading a book now called "Younger Next Year" by Crowley and Quinn, which says that by primarily exercise one can maintain yourself functionally from say 50 to 85, maintaining capability more or less until you croak, rather than having the slow inexorable decline some of us are getting used to seeing. Cycling and diet can be a major part of it. Some of the book is gender-specific, so there is a "for women" version out as well (hot pink cover v. a bright yellow cover).

Personally I'm not thinking yet about biking through France, I'm keeping my sights on century #1 this summer.

If I want to do something at work, as an engineer I'm expected to ask "how can I get the minimum but necessary benefit with the least expenditure of time and resources?"

Besides, France is much hillier than Michigan - if I can't handle Michigan's hills well yet even with a triple, how can I follow Mrs. Road Fan as she spins up the Pyrenees?

Road Fan

solveg

I'm trying to figure out how (or if) to brooch the subject with her husband. I brought it up several years ago, when my grandma was diagnosed. I asked if they had a long term health policy, and I offered to pay for much of it if they didn't. This was thinking about me as well as them, since I knew I'd end up helping out. We researched it together, and they decided against it, choosing on spending the money on traveling while they still had their good years. What can you say? I tried...

I'm leery of even mentioning it, as what I'm seeing mostly is personality changes, and she's a bit paranoid about things and gets angry easily. My grandma was the same way when it first started.

She is, however, a health nut, and racewalks regularly no matter what the weather. She is very careful about food, and goes to the doctor regularly.

I'm not worried so much about the financial obligation, as I have no kids and am fine with doing what I can. I have a brother and sister, and we've discussed this, but they don't feel any obligation to help out in any way other than financially. So, yeah, I just accept that the person most involved is going to be me, and I don't want her to feel abandoned.

I think what I'm feeling is mostly fear of the unknown. I think when or if it happens, I will know what to do and I hope I do it all well enough. I hope I do a good job, both with her and with my own life. But I'm mostly worried I'll drop the ball.

knotty

Sorry to hear about your situation. My mother does not have Alz but a deep seated emotional problem that has gotten obstinate and the effects are about the same as a Alz patient. Plus she is 88 years old. And my dad before he passed was a invalid too.

So, I'm a little familiar with invalid people and can say, when you get older and are the sole provider, it becomes physically very difficult (a body is heavy to move around!) to provide adequate care to them and there is a chance you will ruin your own health in the process. (losing sleep, and stress mostly). In the later stages of Alz, they won't even recognize you so that takes a mental toll on you as well.

Also, you have to be there 24/7 to give them meds, their toilet needs, eating and just for safety's sake. Forgetfulness comes with Alz and they can do anything, including burning down the house. I don't know how much your mom can still take care of herself but generally seems most Alz patients end up this way sooner or later.

It's not being selfish at all as it makes no sense ruining your own health too. In the early stages, you may be able to well care for them but later, I would say a nursing home or some facility that cares for Alz patients might be the best solution. They are set up to handle any situation and have the staff and equipment to physically help with any need.

Side note for you. I've heard, by keeping the mind active, ie; reading, critical thinking, memory games, physical activity, etc. tends to delay or minimize Alz. Think it was a story about Nuns.

knotty

Yen

Solveg, my heart goes out to you.

I haven't been there.... yet....... but I have friends whose parents had alzheimers or a chronic condition that required their care or attention for at least a few years. None of them regret the time, energy, dreams, and personal convenience they had to give up to care for that parent. One of them told me she grew through the ordeal and is not the same person now (meaning, she matured). It wasn't easy for any of them, but they have a deep satisfaction of giving all they could to their ailing parent.

That said, you will need support, and you will need to take care of yourself. Exercise is very important, and cycling is just your personal means of doing that. You may not get in a bike trip in France (and then again, you may), but you can keep riding as much and as often as you can for your own personal health. In addition, a balanced healthy diet (lots of fresh fruits/vegies and other wholesome foods... very low if any sugar except while riding), and emotional/spirital support from others around you will help you stay balanced and healthy.

It's very important to take all of this one day at a time. Life is given to us in daily increments, and we can't take on more than we have today. Plan ahead, learn all your can, take care of yourself, but train your mind to focus only on today's events and not let it get carried away with worry about tomorrow. I'm a life-long worrier so I know how hard that is, yet I am learning to control it and with that brings great peace. What will come, will come.... worrying will not change that..... but not worrying will give you peace that will not drain you (or worse, make you sick) like worry will.

My own parents are healthy and active but even so it's hard to see them slow down, and I wish I didn't take them for granted for so many years.

Jen

Mojo Slim

I started a reply that got too long-winded. Suffice it to say, a) talk to your mother to get her wishes, b) talk to your family and children about YOUR wishes, b) don't feel guilty when it comes time to place a loved one, they don't want to be burden on you and the care might actually be superior to what you can do at home, c) take care of yourself. and d) keep riding.

stapfam

Hate to say it but illness hits most of us in our later years. My mother became very frail and senile in the last couple of years before she died and we had her live with us. It does get a bit of a strain when you cannot do the things that you want to- have to- do. Lucky in that the wife and I managed for most of the time- But two or 3 times a year- Mum went to stay with my sister to give us a well earned break. I had to rely on my sister to keep my sanity- but it worked out fine.

You will need help so get the rest of the family involved. If like us your mother stays with you- you are going to need a break.

Good luck for the future.

Red Baron

my father developed alzhiemers in his early 70's. His Care destroyed my mother. Us 4 boys, finally took charge over my mothers wishes and enforced aided care all the way to full care. Tragic how this disease affects caregivers the most.

BSLeVan

You're facing some pretty challenging things. I don't think there are simple answers, but there are many resouces that can help. Here are just a few:

https://alzonline.phhp.ufl.edu/

https://www.helpguide.org/elder/alzhe..._caregiver.htm

https://www.nia.nih.gov/Alzheimers/Pu...giverguide.htm

https://www.ec-online.net/

TruF 

If it's any comfort to you, my husband and his brother are taking care of their elderly parents while their only sister will not/can not help at all. And she lives the closest to her parents of the three of them. (All of us within an hour or two.) The boys won't even ask her to help. I'm staying out of it by being there to support my husband/help out in any way I can.

My thoughts are with you. Just know that there is nothing you can do to eliminate all the bad feelings you'll have around this. There is no one right answer, especially not total self-sacrifice. Do what you can do. That's enough.

Sianelle 

I have my 85 year old Mum living with me and even though Mum has always been an independent and active kind of person it's seeing the slow decline in her physical capacity and increasing frailness that's the hardest thing for me to bear. As a retired medical social worker I could produce all manner of studies that demonstrate that overall elderly folk who have daughters get much better care than those who have sons alone. I have my doubts about professional care since I've seen altogether too many confused elderly folk left to rot in nursing homes by their adult children who have no room in their busy lives for them. Perhaps there are some absolutely brilliant elderly care facilities around, - and I don't doubt for a moment that there are, - but overall they are underwhelmingly average at best.

As a social phenomenon the fact that most adults are beginning to face the fact that the sun is going down on their youthfulness around the time that their aging parents are needing increased care does not make for the kind of situation that many middle aged people in our society are wanting to embrace.
For me I regard looking after Mum as my loving duty as her daughter, but I often feel as if I've been abandoned to get on with it by my sister and two brothers. My elder sister does keep in very regular contact, but since she lives hundreds of Kms away and has an ill husband to look after I can forgive her for her abscence. Not so my brothers, - one of whom has not been in contact for the past twelve years and the other who lives in the next town, but comes to visit around twice a year if we're lucky.

Kurt Erlenbach

DFox said it best - yu do what you have to do. It's unfortunate to think about it in terms of "lost dreams" and the like, but you do what you have to do. Your family is your family, rich or poor, healthy or not. Happiness really is a state of mind; possessions can make you happy or miserable depending on your outlook - it amazes me to see the people who are unhappy with their bounty (no one here, I'm refering to people in genereal) because they cannot have more. A weekend bike trip to a place nearby can be just as good as a bike trip to France, right?

Prevention is the key. Brain health is similar to the rest of your bodily health. Whether it's omega 3 or someting else, working to keep your mind healthy as you age really helps. You might not prevent dementia, but you can reduce it or delay it.

DnvrFox

https://www.usatoday.com/news/health/...ish-usat_x.htm

Omega-3 gets another boost

By Kathleen Fackelmann, USA TODAY

Fish and other foods rich in a type of beneficial fat may help prevent Alzheimer's disease, says a study out Tuesday.

The new finding fits in with a growing body of scientific evidence that suggests Americans could reduce their risk of developing all sorts of killer diseases, such as heart disease, cancer and now Alzheimer's, if they ate a healthier diet - one rich in fish, fruits and vegetables.

Everyone would benefit by adopting that diet, but boomers and younger people might gain a bigger health edge from eating more brain food. Researchers believe that Alzheimer's takes years to develop. About 4 million Americans now suffer from the incurable disease, and that number is expected to grow to 14 million by the end of this century, according to the Alzheimer's Association.

Martha Clare Morris of Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke's Medical Center in Chicago and her colleagues recruited 815 people between the ages of 65 and 94. At the start of the study, recruits showed no sign of Alzheimer's disease, which causes memory loss, confusion and the inability to perform routine daily tasks.

The researchers asked about their diet and kept track of the volunteers for an average of four years. At the end, 131 people developed Alzheimer's.

A statistical analysis in Tuesday's Archives of Neurology revealed that people who ate fish once a week or more had a 60% lower risk of Alzheimer's disease than those who rarely or never ate fish. Oily fish such as salmon contain omega-3 fatty acids that already have been shown to reduce the risk of dying from heart disease. Other foods, such as nuts and oil-based salad dressing, also contain these helpful fats, Morris says.

Animal research suggests these omega-3 fatty acids help nerve cells fire more efficiently and thus might help boost memory abilities, she says. Or it may be that people who eat more fish also choose to eat more fruits and veggies. Other studies suggest that fruits and vegetables may stave off Alzheimer's because they contain antioxidants that protect brain cells, says Robert Friedland, a neurologist at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland.

The Chicago study, the first human study in the USA, supports previous findings from two European studies.

The link between fish and a lower risk of Alzheimer's must be confirmed with additional research, says Bill Thies of the Alzheimer's Association. But consumers don't necessarily need to wait for a final verdict from science. "There are lots of good reasons to eat more fish," Thies says.

Many health experts agree, but they also warn that people, particularly pregnant women and young children, should avoid fish high in methylmercury, a harmful contaminant found in some fish. Swordfish, shark, tuna and other large predatory fish can contain lots of mercury, while salmon, flounder and cod generally don't have as much.

Fish oil supplements, which were not considered in Tuesday's study, also can be a good source of omega-3 fatty acids, Friedland says.

Road Fan

Mojo, that's practically the outline of what I did with my dad through his fatal bout with kidney cancer. I had less time to keep riding, but it was critical for me to have that outlet. Luckily my parents knew they needed to live in a facility with adequate medical support.

Road Fan

Donegal

Solveg, hang in there buddy, I feel your pain. I went through the exact same process 5 years ago. My wife, who is an only child, and I took care of her mother through the Alzheimer debacle.

At first, she started missing simple daily things. Her personal appearance started to slide, she didn't know what door to get into a car, even which car to get in to. She lost her ability to talk, wandered 24 hours a day, and passed within 3 years of diagnosis at 60 lbs. Don't jump to the Alzheimer conclusion until you're sure. Older people get forgetful, slip a bit and let some things slide. It's normal. Hope it's just a bit of dimentia.

Don't give up your life, but be there for her. In the later stages, you will need help. Start looking for the right kind of people to help you. The biggest issue w/Alzheimer's is if the caretaker dies first. We used adult day care, personal caretakers, A Presbyterian home and even moved her into the house as long as we could handle it. Afterwards, several people told us that she was not appropriate for their facility, but that my wife and I looked so bad that they felt they had to help.

Take care of yourself, ride, travel and keep pushing. You must have outside influences to handle it. Good luck.

Road Fan

Solveg,

I agree about not jumping ot the Altzheimer conclusion. With what you are saying about your mom, if it was me I think I'd first see if she agrees to see a doctor. If she does, the investigation has begun. It doesn't sound to me like the signs of dementia I was seeing (like Donegal described), but you need a doc to help sort things out.

You are concerned about if, when, and how much to restrict your activities. Generally I think the answer is, you must judge how to balance the necessities of your freedom versus the necessities of the family. Do what you must do, but learn enough to assess the real needs. It may for example be just fine to set up the France trip, but it also might not. But you really do have to try to get the situation assessed.

If you will be taking the lead if she becomes significantly ill, you'll have to make sure you are accessible. You'll also have ot think about sharing responsibility with your mom's husband, and what divisions are appropriate and possible.

Do you have power of attorney? does her husband have it? How will you interact?

I found it important to take the freedom I knew I could take.

Road Fan

solveg

I spoke to her husband today... we only had a few minutes. I asked him if he had noticed that her behavior had been unusual lately...that she was mad all the time and in a different way than usual. Her judgement and logic has been very, very off. He started to say that Holidays can be rough times, but when I said I was worried about her, he caught my drift and there was a kind of stunned silence, like he just realized it was a possibility. He said, "I sure hope you're wrong". He'll start watching her a little more closely, and I guess it's in his hands at this point. I'm glad I brought it up, although if she finds out she'll be furious.

Since we just went through this with her mom, I feel totally comfortable (if necessary) with putting her in in a place that could better serve her needs, because that's the choice she made for her mom. But there's still a lot that goes into it... doctor's appointments, visiting, helping her live as fully as possible at whatever stage she's at.

None of this is immediate. If she's like my grandma, it will take a long time. I'm just suddenly struck with the idea that I have to live the next few years to the fullest, because after that it will be a different ball game. But maybe it is holiday depression or something else. It's just that, seeing so much of her over the holidays, I couldn't help but be reminded of my Grandma in the very early stages. And my siblings are seeing the same things I am.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts and links. It's out of my hands for a while, now. She's married, and her husband and she will have to do things their own way. At this point, I did my part by bringing up the subject, and if needed in the future to help out as asked. I wouldn't have to assume any primary responsibility as long as her husband is alive and well. She's already doing things like taking fish oil and not drinking out of aluminum cans. She's aware she's at risk.

I'm going to plan a REALLY FUN summer and now put this out of my mind until I have to think about it.

Road Fan

Do that! You are already influencing things.