Been a long time since I wrote a resume (and I'm not writing one now). Came across these bloopers and thought y'all might get a smile out of 'em.
* "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
* "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms."
* "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
* "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
* "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
* "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
* "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
* "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
* "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
* "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
* "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
* "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
* "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
* "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
* "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
* "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
* "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
* "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I have never quit a job."
* "Marital status: often. Children: various."
* "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
* "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
* "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
* "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
Source: Robert Half, executive search firm.