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Old 01-10-09, 08:48 AM   #1
big john
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Disadvantage of getting older

Losing people you care about always sucks, but it seems to happen more as we get older, (duh).
Last week my best friend/best man at my wedding died. This left me with guilt and shame and self doubt about what kind of friend I had been over the last few years. Still reeling from this, my mother died this week and I am kinda numb to it and I haven't let it sink in yet. I didn't see a lot of her, either. Thank God my brother was there to take care of her for the last couple months.
I'm not looking for condolances or sympathy, (though they can be nice), just a small rant. I have to go back to work Monday and hope to be able to cope with that.
Think I'll go for a ride now with my friends, that always makes me feel better. I'll try to remember to tell the ones I love how much I love them. It's always been hard for me to use that word. It wasn't used in our house when I was growing up.
Thanks for listening. The wise words on the 50+ forum can give strength and support.
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Old 01-10-09, 09:01 AM   #2
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I'll try to remember to tell the ones I love how much I love them. It's always been hard for me to use that word. It wasn't used in our house when I was growing up.
"If you love somebody, let them know."

My mother used to tell me to "Keep them guessing." I think that might be the worst advice I've ever been given.
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Old 01-10-09, 09:17 AM   #3
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Sometimes gullt and shame is unwarranted. There's always forgiveness. That comes from our Maker.
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Old 01-10-09, 09:27 AM   #4
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True John,

But look on the bright side! At least you had a mother when you were growing up.

My mother died when I was five and I was in no way mature enough to handle it. I've had a couple of friends die (one when he was 28) and as much as "death is a part of life" as they say, it still takes awhile to deal with it (well, unless its you own death, that's different).

I want to die on my bike, but we'll have to wait and see if that happens . . .

Rick / OCRR
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Old 01-10-09, 09:32 AM   #5
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I'm sorry to hear the news, big guy. Losing loved ones is always hard. I wish you healing and peace.
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Old 01-10-09, 10:09 AM   #6
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That would indeed be a painful series of loss. I once had a therapist tell me that guilt was just hidden resentment....typically we resent not being able to do, say, be, something we really wanted to do, say or be. My unsolicited advice is morn your loss and then get rid of the guilt as quickly as you can. You did what you could do and life is too short to hang on to guilt.
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Old 01-10-09, 10:23 AM   #7
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Man, I hear you.

All my high school close male friends are gone. It really brings one up short as to their own mortality.

My dad died at 61. I see every day as a gift.

We always do the best we can, given the circumstances we find ourselves in. So, go easy on yourself, and resolve that in the future you will find more opportunities to express love and to use those opportunities. What is gone and done is gone and done. But what is in the future we can change.
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Old 01-10-09, 10:28 AM   #8
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Having your Best Man die not only gives you a sense of loss, it also reminds you of your own mortality. I think you're wise to seize the day and enjoy the friends and family that are still with you. I think a lot of us in the 50+ forum are in the same boat. My condolences.
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Old 01-10-09, 10:29 AM   #9
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Of course, you are numb from losing your mother. Anyone in their right mind would be. It is going to take time to work through. May you find the strength and courage to get through this one.
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Old 01-10-09, 11:54 AM   #10
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Hang in there. Every day is a new beginning...
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Old 01-10-09, 12:01 PM   #11
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remember every day is a great day,and each day we have,we all need to make the best of it.

I am sorry for your lose's and it seems those are the times that we wish we could have done more and be with the ones that we love. I believe these are the times where we can gather our most strength and keep on walking and going forward as we all need to appreciate what we have in the past as well as what we have in the present.

My condolenses
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Old 01-10-09, 12:34 PM   #12
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Sorry to hear the news, big john. Losing someone close is always tough and right now it is doubly tough on you. Your feelings are normal so don't be afraid to let them happen.

Remember, accepting change is one of the keys to happiness. Hang in there, man.
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Old 01-10-09, 12:43 PM   #13
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Bad news John, peace to you and your friend. I guess we're at that age when you start losing all your loved ones, take care.
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Old 01-10-09, 12:47 PM   #14
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My sympathy for your losses. It's especially bad when you lose several people at once. Take it easy on yourself and let your renewed appreciation of the value of your relations shine.
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Old 01-10-09, 01:07 PM   #15
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I lost several good friends when both they and me were around 50 ish. 10 years later that still hurts- but they are remembered.
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Old 01-10-09, 06:12 PM   #16
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Thanks everyone. I debated posting this here but I figured the 50+ forum would understand. Some good advice, especially about the guilt. I always have these doubts about myself and if I have been the kind of friend and son that I should be.
I've lost people throughout my life including my dad in 1994 and my wonderful brother in 2005. This time it's harder. My friend Tim and his wife took me in at one of the lowest points of my life and helped me battle alcoholism and all that stupid self esteem stuff. He was a big part of who I am.
Thanks for helping me deal with it, even if only by reading this.
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Old 01-10-09, 06:40 PM   #17
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Writing your thoughts takes courage. We are all behind you John. I have yet to loose anyone as close as some of your losses. Hang in there.
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Old 01-10-09, 06:59 PM   #18
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Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It helps the rest of us who are dealing with similar issues. I certainly hope the ride provided a little relief.
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Old 01-10-09, 07:29 PM   #19
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Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It helps the rest of us who are dealing with similar issues. I certainly hope the ride provided a little relief.
Yeah, nothing like a ride with friends and all the teasing and joking that goes with it. A friend I have known 20 years was there and he grabbed onto my jersey pocket and I was towing him for a while at the front. Little things.

You guys are the best.
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Old 01-10-09, 08:22 PM   #20
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Having your Best Man die not only gives you a sense of loss, it also reminds you of your own mortality. I think you're wise to seize the day and enjoy the friends and family that are still with you. I think a lot of us in the 50+ forum are in the same boat. My condolences.
+1... that is pretty well-said. You are not alone in having these feelings. The accumulated scars from these sad events really can enrich our lives though.
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Old 01-10-09, 10:57 PM   #21
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I spent Friday evening at the hospital with a friend dying of esophegeal cancer. He was diagnosed about four years ago, before my colon cancer recurred. I'm now cancer-free, and he likely will be dead in a few months. There is no rhyme or reason for why these things happen.
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Old 01-11-09, 11:26 AM   #22
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John I feel for you. No one can really understand your loss.

But you are taking the right step. The best thing to do is talk about it. Don't be afraid. It won't make you seem less a man and people will not feel burdened by listening. In fact, everyone around you I'm sure wants to help you feel better and if listening does that, they welcome it.

Don't assume everything is going to get back to normal right away. You suffered some serious losses. Give yourself the proper time to grieve.

Take care.
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Old 01-11-09, 02:10 PM   #23
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Thanks, Pam. I have no worries about whether anyone thinks I'm less of a man, I run around in Lycra, after all.
The BF people and my riding friends have been great, as have my non-riding friends. I still haven't spoken to 1 of my brothers or 2 of my sisters. Maybe I should try to do that today. It's not easy with a family such as mine.
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Old 01-11-09, 02:27 PM   #24
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Seems to me that with age nothing gets easier/and I grump alot/my best friend say's get over it,/and never grumps/Itry but its hard./Kenkayak
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Old 01-11-09, 02:39 PM   #25
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The old gang thins out...

They're the lucky ones. God called them home.
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