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Old 04-01-12, 05:08 AM   #1
Blackberry
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Beginner Questions

I'm getting started in bike-hiking and I have a few questions:

I'd like to race in the Tour de France. What is the best bike to buy? How do I sign up? Is there an entrance fee?

People keep telling me I should buy those black bike pants. They look like something from my liberry of softcore films. Do I really have to buy them? I's this a joke?

Oh, and this too:
I got those stoopid road bike shoes, an they are SO HARD to walk in. Yesterday, in a convenience store, I skidded across the floor, landed on my ass, and knocked over a rack of potato chips. Made me feel like a looser. What should I do?
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Old 04-01-12, 05:26 AM   #2
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I'd like to race in the Tour de France. What is the best bike to buy? How do I sign up? Is there an entrance fee?
My old Trek, and you can have it for only a thousand dollars. I also keep the official race entry records and handle all the applications. The fee is twenty thousand dollars. PM me for my mailing address so you can send in the money.
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Old 04-01-12, 05:59 AM   #3
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Wecome back Blackberry to this merry band of geezers, misfits, cranks, and loose nuts - hopelessly lost in the detritis of arcane bikespeak.
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Old 04-01-12, 06:30 AM   #4
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People keep telling me I should buy those black bike pants.
If you're going to ride the Tour de France, you'll need these.

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Old 04-01-12, 06:32 AM   #5
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Yesterday, in a convenience store, I skidded across the floor, landed on my ass, and knocked over a rack of potato chips. Made me feel like a looser. What should I do?
Embrace your karma, grasshopper.
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Old 04-01-12, 06:53 AM   #6
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Get a bent or a Brooks saddle. Either will elevate you to a new level of uber-coolness.
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Old 04-01-12, 06:56 AM   #7
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The Tour de France is for poseurs.

Black is the new pink.

Falls only count under certain (secret) conditions.
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Old 04-01-12, 07:00 AM   #8
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You went the convenience store for beer and have never left.
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Old 04-01-12, 07:32 AM   #9
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You have plenty of time to get ready, the tour is not till August.Oh and get a cape.Lots of people there wear capes.Also just ride into the store saves time and you don't have to walk.Good Luck.
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Old 04-01-12, 07:35 AM   #10
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You have plenty of time to get ready, the tour is not till August.Oh and get a cape.Lots of people there wear capes.Also just ride into the store saves time and you don't have to walk.Good Luck.
Something like this? Digital Gee said I could borrow it.
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Old 04-01-12, 07:39 AM   #11
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I have a late-90s Electra Street Rod, that I will gladly let you borrow for your upcoming Tour De France race. It's a tad on the heavy side, but you'll find it very comfortable while going over the high mountains. The internal hub gear is also very nice to have for long stage races.

You won't need the shorts at all. I have found riding in the nude works best for very competitive races. Truly, all you need is a good helmet, gloves and shoes. If you do get thirsty during this very intense race, just stop in any town, and walk into any cafe for a delicious glass of French wine. The French are very accommodating to nude cyclists.

Enjoy the race!
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Old 04-01-12, 07:57 AM   #12
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Embrace your karma, grasshopper.
"Sometimes you get shown the light in the strangest places if you look at it right!" Jerry Garcia
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Old 04-01-12, 08:47 AM   #13
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I'd like to race in the Tour de France. What is the best bike to buy?
If you're in this forum I'd suggest a Ducati.

Last edited by bruce19; 04-01-12 at 08:51 AM.
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Old 04-01-12, 09:06 AM   #14
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YOu will have an advantage in the French Tour if you wear shorts made of chamois leather.
A nutritional training tip: Eat lots of toast with chamois butter.
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Last edited by JanMM; 04-01-12 at 09:12 AM. Reason: Be sure to use French Bread when preparing the toast!
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Old 04-01-12, 09:19 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackberry View Post
I'm getting started in bike-hiking and I have a few questions:

I'd like to race in the Tour de France. What is the best bike to buy? How do I sign up? Is there an entrance fee?

People keep telling me I should buy those black bike pants. They look like something from my liberry of softcore films. Do I really have to buy them? I's this a joke?

Oh, and this too:
I got those stoopid road bike shoes, an they are SO HARD to walk in. Yesterday, in a convenience store, I skidded across the floor, landed on my ass, and knocked over a rack of potato chips. Made me feel like a looser. What should I do?

So much bad advice here it's just not funny.

There is no fee to enter the Tour de France. Just turn up on the day and pick up a number. The numbers are given out in alphabetical order based on your surname so if your name begins with Y or Z be prepared to wait a while. Sometimes the riders swap numbers just to cause a bit of mischief, which explains why you sometimes see a rider like Bradley Wiggins with a number lower than, say, Alberto Contador.

Black bike pants are for losers. Especially if you combine them with watching softcore films. Every serious cyclist should have a pair but they aren't for actual wearing. When you turn up to ride the Tour just wear jeans as they are more comfortable.

The road bike shoes are just one of many crosses you'll have to bear when cycling. As someone else said it's much easier to just cycle into and through the store. For best results go at the busiest times so there are more people to impress with your track stands when waiting to pay. If you haven't perfected the track stand yet, go at quiet times or you look like a complete clutz when you fall off for the 14th time and scatter the contents of your basket all over the floor, again. Some stores are more cyclist-friendly and allow you to save time at the checkout by simply estimating what your basket is worth and rounding up to the nearest whole note you have. Don't be tempted to abuse their trust and hand over $20 for a basket worth $30 though, as many of the current crop of Tour de France champions cut their teeth chasing down the people who did that.
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Old 04-01-12, 09:32 AM   #16
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A nutritional training tip: Eat lots of toast with chamois butter.
No, no, no. Toast with Bag Balm. It will heal you from the inside out.
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Old 04-01-12, 10:29 AM   #17
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April Fool's anyone?
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Old 04-01-12, 11:01 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackberry View Post
I'm getting started in bike-hiking and I have a few questions:


Yesterday, in a convenience store, I skidded across the floor, landed on my ass, and knocked over a rack of potato chips. Made me feel like a looser. What should I do?
Eat as many of the chips as possible and sue the store owner for having such a slippery floor.

Welcome back.
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Old 04-01-12, 11:06 AM   #19
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The larger the bike the larger the gears. That is the way to win the TdF. Take it from me, I know
.

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Old 04-01-12, 11:11 AM   #20
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If you have PayPal you can buy my slot in the TDF. My company is having a summer fun barbeque that I have to attend so I have to recoup the cost.

Since you're new to cycling you may find it a bit hard to keep up some of the other riders. Fortunately, I have a Bionx kit for sale that will rocket you to the lead. It is a pedal assist system, and completely legal for use.
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Old 04-01-12, 11:48 AM   #21
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If you're in this forum I'd suggest a Ducati.
+100!!
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Old 04-01-12, 06:44 PM   #22
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Is it really Blackberry, or is it just another cruel joke perpetrated by the Diego brothers?

Blackberry Diego! Oh noooooooooooooo.

Welcome back JT.
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Old 04-01-12, 07:31 PM   #23
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Winning the Tour de France isn't what it's cracked up to be. Trust me, after winning several back-to-back, I can say it's just not special anymore.

(Checks watch to make sure I have 2.5 hours left before the date changes.)
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Old 04-01-12, 08:35 PM   #24
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You're JUST IN TIME! I can SAVE you the entry fee by adding you to MY TEAM, the KARDASHIAN/HILTON Team!

Of course, you must show up to training camp no later than June 24th, in order to get fitted to your bike; our bike sponsor is ScottUSA, and we are running Gamblers this year. Watch OUT, Cadel!

Because we will be training HARD on the 25th and 26th for the mountains, our training camp is at Mt. St. Helens.

Black shorts are out for our team; we are wearing rainbow jockstraps. We will also need your Euro shoe size, as our shoe sponsor is Sette.
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Old 04-02-12, 12:34 AM   #25
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Is it really Blackberry, or is it just another cruel joke perpetrated by the Diego brothers?

Blackberry Diego! Oh noooooooooooooo.

Welcome back JT.

It had better be Blackberry- the alternative would blow the minds of our younger members.
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