Doohickie

I will bear that in mind. The plan at this point, though, is that he is going to find his own job.

Doohickie

Agreed, and yes, I did let some comments get to me. Within BF, there is a wide range of forums in terms of supportiveness. Road bike racing is all about HTFU and they will eat their own young if you let them. Clydes and Athenas tends to be much more supportive. In general, the 50+ is usually supportive as well, but not as much so as C&A.

It's been one of several things weighing on my mind, and I was looking for some level of support/camaraderie as I'm dealing with some decisions and how to execute them.

I'm a big boy, I should have known there'd be some negativity with the support. But I still think getting some support from those who are dealing with similar things was worth the downside.

shadoman

It was with a sense of camaraderie that I took your initial response.
I'm sure you've been around the block enough times to also realize that negative points can be a vital part of the support system.

I've read a good portion of those 11,000+ posts you've made.
I'm certain you'll make the right decision for your family.

DnvrFox

I joined the USAF, and lived in a tiny trailer shared with another USAF lieutenant. Never thought of moving back home. Wife lived in a house - as a RN - shared with three others. Don't folks do that any more? Her dad would have kicked her out.

ModeratedUser150120149

Children are not pets to provide emotional support to the parents. Children are not parasites born to live off their parents forever. Children are in the first stage of life that will hopefully be as productive and supportive of themselves and society as a whole as they are capable of.

I know several people who were left to keep the residence going in the Alaska winter wilderness when they weren't even into their teens yet.

My point is that the hardest part of parenting is doing what is required to rear our children to become good adults. That is not peculiar to us humans. I've sat on a riverbank and watched as a mother moose has forced her calf to strike out on his/her own. The calf will cry most piteously. The mother mooses displays body language that she really doesn't like what she is doing. But, making the calf grow up is the right thing to do, and she knows it. If she doesn't she ruins the lives of both the calf and herself.

It isn't that anyone is perfect, or heartless or mean. It is just that a hard part of parenting is to be a parent come rain or shine.

jmccain

My parents didnt run a household that I wanted to live in, so once I left, I was gone.

But few parents wanted to be friends with their kids like everyone in my peer group seems to strive for.

otg 

Interesting topic. I have managed to get to the point of being friends with both of my adult children. My daughter had some mental health issues after she moved out the first time. We took her back without reservations, and after a pretty rough three years, she pulled herself together and now is married and a homeowner. I never, ever regretted taking her back in. My son is having trouble getting along in the world, but he is out on his own, living with roomates in a third floor apartment. I do worry about him, but I think he'll get it figured out soon.

krobinson103

In Korea given the cost of housing its common for adult children to live with their parents until they are married. Even then my wife wouldn't move more 10km away from her mothers house. Its great when it comes to child care for our 2 small children, but I don't understand this eternal dependance on parents. I left home when I graduated high school and never looked back. My parents supported my tuition fees through college but made it clear that after that I was on my own.

Dudelsack 

Interesting comments.

My two oldest daughters are married and independent. One is moving out to Boulder and I'm quite bummed about it.

My son is still in college and will surely be moving on when he graduates. All three of them are conspiring to move out to Colorado, that God-forsaken wilderness. I guess I'd enjoy vacations out there.

I can't imagine my youngest daughter becoming independent. I suppose it will happen. I'd be cool with her sticking around for awhile.

Anyway, when I was growing up, I would have crawled over broken glass to get out of the house.

miss kenton

Doohickie,

I moved out of my parent’s home at 19 y.o. and I thought I had all the answers. At 22 yrs. old, I realized I had made a mistake and my parents let me move back home. Within a year, I had established myself in a career, bought myself a car, and moved into my own apartment. I was so grateful my parents gave me that time to pull it together.

I have three children. My daughter moved out sooner than I hoped she would, but I have let her know that should she ever feel she has made a mistake, she is welcome here.

My oldest son graduated from university and moved to NYC. He had a small apartment, then moved to Manhattan ($$$) and shortly afterwards was laid off. I told him he could move back home if he needed to, but he found a cheaper place to live and has since landed his dream job. He worked his financial problems out, but I think knowing he could come home made his situation much less stressful.

My middle son graduates from university in two weeks. He will be moving back home at the end of the summer when his lease runs out. His stay will be temporary though, as he starts Officer Training in the Air Force early next year. I am glad he'll be here for a while.

I waited a long time to have my children and am grateful to have them. I have done my best to raise them to be independent and self-sufficient, but if they screw up, I will always have the compassion within myself to give them a leg up when they need it.
Is that wrong? I would rather err through compassion than the need to prove I was right.
Do what you feel in your heart is best for him-one way or the other.

teachme

Intersting thread... I have two daughters, one moved out and things worked out for her, she never moved back. The other moved out, came back on three different occasions. Was I happy about her moving back in? No, not really; but I would never be so cold as to say either one of my children could not move back in, if they needed help. To me, that is one of the responsibilties of parenting. You can't turn your back on your own offspring. Oh, and the child that moved back three times is getting married in September to a really great guy. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that things work out for them.

volosong

Dude! There's some awesome cycling in the Boulder area. Pretty much anywhere in the western half of the state. Count your blessings!

t4mv

Interesting thread indeed.. Pam, I like your comments, I think they're spot on. Since there're a couple more years before the last of the 'boomers make it into this forum this is the right place to have this discussion. I would hate to have a boomerang (or two), but, as much as I think our generation could have done a better job getting our kids ready for life, it would appear life isn't helping out as much as it did with our parents' generation and the first half of our generation. Doohickie, do the right thing.

Surfmonkey

1. He should not have quit his job until he had found another one
2. Ask him what he is doing to find a job at the present time
3. Make him give you a time table that you can agree with
4. Don't make it too easy on him or he will get very comfortable and stay longer
5. Make him work around the house--wash/dry/fold his own clothes...do the yard work...not hang around house playing video games

qcpmsame 

Miss Kenton,
If he is at OTS in Montgomery let me know if you want our email and phone number for a close by friendly shoulder.

O.P.
Our 2 children are mainly independent, the daughter is in Atlanta and our son is readying to start as a missionary in Canada and is working 2 jobs to save money and pay us some rent and board until then. No need for us to support them we offered our son the option of staying here after college he payed for so he could save as much cash as possible.

I'd take them back in a heart beat unless they were addicts or law breakers. They are my blood and my children. Thankfully they aren't needy. You are doing the right thing Doohickie.

donheff

Both my son and my daughter moved back in for a couple of years. DS dropped out of college and we talked him into coming back to DC and returning to college. DD (12 years younger) loved having him around as did we. He is now married with two kids, gainfully employed and living a half mile away. DD moved back in for a couple of years after college. We liked having her around and her initial jobs were marginal (pay wise) so she needed the assistance. She is now teaching in an ideal situation and living across town. Both DD, DS and the grand kids are here for dinner two or three times a week. For us that is the ideal way to get a regular dose of family without the responsibility of baby sitting or having them hovering at breakfast.

I read somewhere recently that these days 85% of kids return home after college for some period of time. That sounds high to me but from friends experience has some credibility. I don't think tough love is warranted unless the kids are sitting around doing nothing. Using a bargain priced home base to get a head start on life seems prudent to me. It also gave us the opportunity to instill a little extra LBYM example/propaganda while they were working and at a more receptive age to internalize it.

DX-MAN

I can't point fingers, as my Dad helped me out 20 years ago after wife #1 threw me over; that was a blindside episode, one that equaled the trauma of standing a guard post during a terrorist threat with an empty weapon (true incident, not by choice).

My sister's family lives with me; she's in the process of getting back out there in the workforce, as she was the primary caregiver for her invalid M-I-L for 6 years (also in my house). Her husband is near retirement age and disabled, and jobs for him are nonexistent. He gets a disability check, with which he helps as he can. Her oldest daughter moved out on her own in '07, and was living something of a party lifestyle; that resulted in someone slipping her a serious mickey (OD of Ecstasy), which she barely survived. She is back now, and just starting to get it back together. #2 daughter was back after moving out for about three months, and has maintained her own place for the last four years. Eldest son drifts from couch to couch, tiptoeing along the edge of the thug life.... The rest are still in school, and hopefully will do better. It's tough out there.

I've been 17 years with an employer I despise; I have people that depend on me, not an option.

John_V 

This is my pain!

My daughter moved out of the house to be on her own at the age of 19 (she's 41). She got herself a really good job making very good money. She got married, has three great boys and lives in a hugh house (about 10 miles away) and has never looked back. When her husband was transferred back to Tampa from Kentucky in the middle of the housing boom, houses were difficult to find so we took them in for a few months until they were able to find the house they now live in. I have no problem with that and would do it as many times as I have to. Helping out your children during rough or hard times is what a parent does.

On the other hand, my son has the attitude that we, as parents, are obligated to raising him and providing for him if he has problems finding a job and a place to live. That attitude just doesn't fly with me and I refuse to enable him. Mother's, on the other hand, don't seem to see it that way and it takes them time before they get tired of dishing out money to keep a child supported that should be supporting themselves. This is one negative thing about having individual financial accounts. I can't really tell her what to do with her money. I have put my foot down and told him that as long as he is living here for free, he will work for his keep. Neither my wife or I have done anything around the house since he has been here.

ModeratedUser150120149

This thread illustrates that especially in today's society it is hard to be a parent. It is also something that everyone is willing to give advice on, even if they really don't know much about the subject. Lots of government and other "experts" are more than willing to not only give advice, but to call down the wrath of government if you don't follow it. The local news media aren't much better.

As strongly as I believe about children moving back home I believe they should be judiciously helped as needed. A loan complete with paperwork and repayment schedule can be a wonderful tool. I've used it. A tax free gift at Christmas or Birthday can be a wonderful help without all the baggage that comes with allowing them to move back in.

Parent going to children's house for a specified period, or the reverse, is, I believe, beyond this thread. In my family we've done both. When I've had medical issues and needed someplace to stay of course I stayed with family. When a family member returned from an overseas assignement and needed a place to stay while finding permanent housing we had an extra bedroom. These are visiting, not moving back in.

DGlenday

We have 3 grown kids.

We had one move out then come back for a year - but we still had another one at home at the time, so it was no big change. The biggest issue was that she brought her f***ing dog with her - we are not a dog family, my wife has cats, and f***ing Fido kept pissing on my carpets

Now - they're all out, and (figuratively speaking) the moment the last one left we had the locks changed

They aren't coming back, and they know it. But we're looking to downsize anyway and we plan to get a place that's big enough to accommodate visitors over Thanksgiving etc., but too small to move in.

missjean

Our two daughters moved back in after the graduated from college. We wanted them to get a head start on paying off college loans so we told them they could move back. It took some time for daughter # 2 to find a job, but she finally did. They stayed about 2 years. Towards the end, their father was giving very big hints it was time to move on. I enjoyed having them around, (except their irrational reluctance to do the dishes! argh!), but, I too was ready for them to move on. Happily, they didn't move far. They got an apartment together about 6 miles away. Eventually, they got on each other's nerves and the younger one moved.
If anything happened, they could move back in with us. If anything happened to anyone in my family, they would be welcome - for how long would depend on the circumstances of course - that what family is for.

Pamestique 

Doohickie... I apologize if you took my comments as being a critique of your parenting... it was intended to be a general comment about young folks nowadays... they are immature and lack focus. And I believe everyone intended to be supportive. Sometimes a "push" foward is better than allowing someone to step back. We all know what comes from allowing "adults" to come home... it generally is not a good thing for anyone but that said... again, only you know the situation, know your child and know why its helpful to allow him to return home. Ignore us and what we say... you do what you feel is best for your child...

miss kenton

Aww, thanks, Bill. I will keep this in mind.

Phil85207

Does it count if the wife's sister moves in? I can tell you if she doesn't go soon, I will. I am getting tired of supporting her and putting up with her lip too. Can't say anything unless I want a big fight with the wife. Can I rant for a while??

Doohickie

Please do. (The wife doesn't read BF, does she?)