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  1. #1
    You gonna eat that? Doohickie's Avatar
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    Reverse Empty Nester

    So... any of your kids move out, then move back in?

    We've been relatively empty nest for the last year and a half. My son took a job in Albany. He moved up and lived with his aunt at first, then got his own place. He really doesn't like it as much as he thought, though, so he quit his job and is coming back to Fort Worth. The theory is that he will get another job here and move out ASAP. I like to think a month or two, but it might be longer than that.

    I have a second son who is going to college locally but is living on campus so in essence, we are empty nesters until my son returns from Albany.

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    Originally Posted by bragi "However, it's never a good idea to overgeneralize."

  2. #2
    Banned. DnvrFox's Avatar
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    My son with the profound disability lived with us (and we provided 24/7 care) until he was 31yo.

  3. #3
    Senior Member bigbadwullf's Avatar
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    Won't be happening. Tough love, baby, tough love.

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    Senior Member volosong's Avatar
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    Yeah, my daughter came back. After she ate all my food and wasn't serious about finding a job, I had to kick her out. She's not speaking to me these days. Very sad situation, but us older adults should not have to financially support, (completely), our 30-something-year-old "children", especially when we ourselves are making plans for retirement and our income will most likely be less.
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  5. #5
    Senior Member CACycling's Avatar
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    Two sons in college. Younger one will be home the whole summer. Older one will be interning in Nigeria most of the summer. 90 year old M-I-L needs quite a bit of care and my wife is the primary caregiver so we have yet to enjoy the "empty nest" feeling. Don't see either son living with us for long after graduation but hard to tell given the current state of the economy.
    Last edited by CACycling; 05-01-12 at 10:42 AM.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Retro Grouch's Avatar
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    "Life is what happens while we're busy making other plans."

    Every situation is unique. None of mine, once they left, ever came back. All of my kids are homeowners now so I don't anticipate it happening but who knows? I knew a single mom in Indiana who, every time one of her kids turned 18, moved into a smaller place.

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    Not a Tide Over Option. If I move I have to make provision for temporary housing along with all the other things that go along with a move. That is what adults do. Frankly, I really don't get this idea that somehow I owe my offspring anything but a proper upbringing. As long as they can do it for themselves it is up to them to do the best they can. If that means living in the Rescue Mission or in a location they aren't in love with so be it. I am not a fall back for failure of their desires. Nor am I a bank to finance their wishes. They can only make good decisions if they have to face the consequences of their decisions and learn from them.

    Note I said "As long as they can do it for themselves..." If the offspring can not become a full adult I owe them, within my physical and emotional means, whatever I can do to make their lives as productive and satisfactory as possible. I know many people either who have a disability themself or whose offspring have disabilities of some nature. They cannot do for themselves. So, we as a society owe them help.
    It is better to smell the flowers than taste the roots.

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    You should have moved and not left a forwarding address when you had the chance. Don't forget to charge the prodigal son room and board to help recover some of the costs.

  9. #9
    Senior Member shadoman's Avatar
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    Multi-generational families are becoming more common again, but these ( in the past ) were cases of the younger family members staying "at home" until marriage ( which was entered into at a later age. )_
    Today, it's often the case of "moving back in" because of not being adult enough to handle life on their own.

    He really doesn't like it as much as he thought, though, so he quit his job and is coming back to Fort Worth. The theory is that he will get another job here and move out ASAP.


    Gee, that's tough not LIKING your job. Some people work for YEARS at jobs they don't LIKE. It's what keeps food in your gut and a roof over your head though.
    Social adult norm in the past would be to continue in the job you "dislike" until you can afford to look for a job that you DO like in the community that you wish to move to, land that job, then move back. All on your own.
    I'm not pokey, but I'm certainly not speedy... sorta half-fast, I guess...

  10. #10
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    both my adult children are out on their own. Therefore we are empty nesters. I would not mind if either of them wanted to come home. I miss them both. Though I think them not living at home makes it easier to say.

  11. #11
    You gonna eat that? Doohickie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shadoman View Post
    Multi-generational families are becoming more common again, but these ( in the past ) were cases of the younger family members staying "at home" until marriage ( which was entered into at a later age. )_
    Today, it's often the case of "moving back in" because of not being adult enough to handle life on their own.

    [/COLOR]

    Gee, that's tough not LIKING your job. Some people work for YEARS at jobs they don't LIKE. It's what keeps food in your gut and a roof over your head though.
    Social adult norm in the past would be to continue in the job you "dislike" until you can afford to look for a job that you DO like in the community that you wish to move to, land that job, then move back. All on your own.
    He doesn't like living in Albany.

    How about if we only post in this thread if we have kids that have returned, and the ones who's kids are perfect stay the hell out?
    Last edited by Doohickie; 05-01-12 at 12:51 PM.
    I stop for people / whose right of way I honor / but not for no one.



    Originally Posted by bragi "However, it's never a good idea to overgeneralize."

  12. #12
    Raleigh Superbe miles.lowry's Avatar
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    My daughter moved back in after her divorce. We thought it would just be for a couple of months, it turned into a year. She remarried and moved out, and then she moved back in when she got pregnant. I got an apartment a couple of miles from work; my SO came to visit on occasion.

  13. #13
    Time for a change. stapfam's Avatar
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    If either of my two want to come back they are welcome- They will have to insulate the Bike shed though.
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  14. #14
    Senior Member Retro Grouch's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=Retro Grouch;14166784Every situation is unique.[/QUOTE]

    The trouble with trying to discuss a topic like this on the internet is that everybody has a situation in mind that supports their point of view. If the situation changes from what they have in mind, so is the likelihood they will change their point of view.

  15. #15
    Senior Member John_V's Avatar
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    Doohickie, I feel your pain. I've tried several times throwing my son out of my house, but thanks to "mom", he always ends up back here when something goes wrong for him. I've gotten to the point of giving up and letting it be between him and the wife. He gets no money or any other type of enablement from me and he doesn't ask. My wife retires next month and the yearly income is going to be cut drastically so he is going to have to do something to find a job and a place to live as she is finally getting tired of supporting him.
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  16. #16
    Senior Member shadoman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doohickie View Post
    He doesn't like Albany.

    How about if we only post in this thread if we have kids that have returned, and the ones who's kids are perfect stay the hell out?
    I liked your original "Eat **** and die." response much better.
    It has nothing to do with having "perfect" children. It's nothing more than differing viewpoints.
    My Father warned me ( as I warned my own kids ) "Make sure you're ready to go, 'cause there's no coming back."
    Different generations, different ways of thinking.

    And I don't like Albany, either. I don't blame him for wanting to not live there.
    I'm not pokey, but I'm certainly not speedy... sorta half-fast, I guess...

  17. #17
    You gonna eat that? Doohickie's Avatar
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    There is more to the story that I am not going into detail about here. But his situation is probably a little different than most.

    I'm actually proud that he was able to support himself (barely) while he was up there; he never once asked for money.

    I think his coming back is the right thing. I am a little nervous about the decision to put him up when he gets back; it may turn into a longer term thing than I intend. In his situation, though, alternatives are potentially pretty dire, so given the choice, I will choose being taken advantage of.

    The thing is, most kids grow up, move out, move on and take care of themselves. For people with kids like that, more power to ya. However, there can be conditions beyond your control that keeps a kid out of that upward trajectory. It's a tough call, really, whether to offer help, and how much help to offer. I very well could be making a mistake. Offering no help at all may be a mistake. Maybe I made an unrecognized mistake 17 years ago which has influenced the current situation. It's hard, when faced with the undesired outcome, to figure out the best way forward.

    My son's situation is not drugs, but let's say, shadoman, that your son moved out, then got into drugs. If you could see the downward spiral he was on, would you truly say, "Well, you shoulda been ready to go, 'cause there's no coming back"? Or, if you were in a position to assist, would you?

    These are the kinds of questions I am trying to answer right now. When the kids work out, it's easy to say the hardass way was best. In the relationship with my son, the time I got all hardass on him only made the situation worse.

    Quote Originally Posted by shadoman View Post
    And I don't like Albany, either. I don't blame him for wanting to not live there.
    Oh, I would live there. I love it there.
    Last edited by Doohickie; 05-01-12 at 01:28 PM.
    I stop for people / whose right of way I honor / but not for no one.



    Originally Posted by bragi "However, it's never a good idea to overgeneralize."

  18. #18
    You gonna eat that? Doohickie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by John_V View Post
    Doohickie, I feel your pain. I've tried several times throwing my son out of my house, but thanks to "mom", he always ends up back here when something goes wrong for him. I've gotten to the point of giving up and letting it be between him and the wife. He gets no money or any other type of enablement from me and he doesn't ask. My wife retires next month and the yearly income is going to be cut drastically so he is going to have to do something to find a job and a place to live as she is finally getting tired of supporting him.
    Yep, it's a tough call. We are not to that point and we are at an inflection point... things could go one way or the other. The last year or so have been positive for him, and I'm hoping that by getting him back where he wants to be (the city, not our house), it can continue in a positive direction.
    I stop for people / whose right of way I honor / but not for no one.



    Originally Posted by bragi "However, it's never a good idea to overgeneralize."

  19. #19
    The cat says Merry Xmas Pamestique's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doohickie View Post
    So... any of your kids move out, then move back in?

    We've been relatively empty nest for the last year and a half. My son took a job in Albany. He moved up and lived with his aunt at first, then got his own place. He really doesn't like it as much as he thought, though, so he quit his job and is coming back to Fort Worth. The theory is that he will get another job here and move out ASAP. I like to think a month or two, but it might be longer than that.

    I have a second son who is going to college locally but is living on campus so in essence, we are empty nesters until my son returns from Albany.

    What's your song?
    Just a question, based on what your son did, why are you letting him come crash at your place? After I moved out from my parents... if I quit a job it was my responsiblility to deal with it...not my parents. I moved up to Fresno and took work. I didn't like it so I found a job back in Orange County before I quit the Fresno job. I would not think of burdening my parents with my poor decisions... nor would I allow my children to do the same. They know, as adults, they are responsible for the consequences of their actions. I am supportive and helpful but they know they can't come back home and mooch (ok ok if say one was seriously hurt or got ill, I would offer care or if I were in Dnvrfox's situation - different story).

    I think something happened along the way with parenting... no criticism 'cause everyone does it... kids are no longer expected to grow up. PArents want them to stay around forever... I guess if someone cared for me, provided shelter, food and everything else, why would I grow up and leave? I left home at 17 and never went back. Now most of my friends have 20, 30 and in one case 40 years olds at home. The kids seem to have lots of money as they travel, drive nice cars, have all the electronics and go out at lot. The parents struggle with bills and mortgages... what's up with that???

    And Doohickie this is just an errant opinion... I don't know your situation and the issues with your kid. Only you can decide what is best for him...
    Last edited by Pamestique; 05-01-12 at 02:33 PM.
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  20. #20
    Member Surlyrider's Avatar
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    Kids are (will be) out.

    I'm a little surprised someone would let their child move home again with no plans because they don't like their job as well. We have one son out on his own and another graduates next year. Both got (one still getting) the same lecture: "you need to find a job, and you need to decide how you will live on your own once you graduate. If the best you can do is a night job at McDonald's and share a room with six people, so be it. How you live is up to you. We paid for a good education. You can use it as you wish, but you can't come home".

  21. #21
    Senior Member shadoman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doohickie View Post

    I'm actually proud that he was able to support himself (barely) while he was up there; he never once asked for money.

    I think his coming back is the right thing. I am a little nervous about the decision to put him up when he gets back; it may turn into a longer term thing than I intend. In his situation, though, alternatives are potentially pretty dire, so given the choice, I will choose being taken advantage of.

    These are the kinds of questions I am trying to answer right now. When the kids work out, it's easy to say the hardass way was best. In the relationship with my son, the time I got all hardass on him only made the situation worse.
    There are ALWAYS extenuating circumstances for ANY situation. And, as Parents, WE have to try to make the right decision for everyone involved.

    If the overall feeling is positive, that's great. Helping if you can is all part of being a family. I would only consider it "being taken advantage of" if help WASN'T needed, and someone was just helping themselves to a free ride. (And I see that a LOT these days.)

    When someone accepts your help, and you can see that they are doing their level best to ALSO help themselves, it's never a bad decision.

    My son's situation is not drugs, but let's say, shadoman, that your son moved out, then got into drugs. If you could see the downward spiral he was on, would you truly say, "Well, you shoulda been ready to go, 'cause there's no coming back"? Or, if you were in a position to assist, would you?
    An interesting choice of hypothetical question, as I have a friend who was in this EXACT situation.

    I would do my best to help him, but in no way would I let him move back into my house.

    My friend (it was his Daughter) ended up losing everything due to that decision. And in the end, she was still gone, still on drugs, and he was basically penniless.
    I'm not pokey, but I'm certainly not speedy... sorta half-fast, I guess...

  22. #22
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    Maybe its me, but, if someone puts their stuff out in open forum for comment then the onus is on them to deal with the feedback, good, bad, or indifferent i.e. supportive, negative or non-committal.

  23. #23
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    Nothing wrong with multi-generation households. The 70+ year old gent down the road never married and never moved out. He had a good job, maintained his parents house and in her final years he retired to become the primary care giver for his dying mother. She had Lou Gehrigs disease.

    My wife's two brothers never married and never left home. Same story. They worked full time jobs, maintained the property and house and were the pimary care givers for their mother who spent 13 years on dialysis.

    Two of our three are in the early years of their careers. Both are renting their own apartments, one on Chicago and the other in L.A. One is financially better off than the other but they are both completely independent of us. Each of them is welcome back if the need arises.

    Our third is a Graduate student in NYC and expects to receive her Masters in Dec. of this year. If she's unable to get a job right away, she's more than welcome to come back home. We could use the help.

    My wife has several health issues, one of them is crippling. All three kids know the score and they know that we will be able to financially contribute to their household if they chose to take us in when or if the need arises. That's what families do, right?

    So Doohichie, welcome your son home with open arms. Embrace the additional time together and continue to provide guidance to propel him towards his life's goals. Some kids go too far away too soon and never live with or near their parents again.

  24. #24
    Time for a change. stapfam's Avatar
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    There is a problem over here with getting siblings to leave home. Thanks to the "Credit Crunch"- Mortgages are not readily available and with the average house costing 200.000 and a 20% deposit required- not many first time buyers are getting the chance to buy a house. The rental market realise this and rents have gone Sky-High. So siblings are staying at home and you rarely get the chance to have them Return.
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  25. #25
    Raleigh Superbe miles.lowry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doohickie View Post
    So... any of your kids move out, then move back in?

    We've been relatively empty nest for the last year and a half. My son took a job in Albany. He moved up and lived with his aunt at first, then got his own place. He really doesn't like it as much as he thought, though, so he quit his job and is coming back to Fort Worth. The theory is that he will get another job here and move out ASAP. I like to think a month or two, but it might be longer than that.

    I have a second son who is going to college locally but is living on campus so in essence, we are empty nesters until my son returns from Albany.

    What's your song?
    What does he do? Halliburton is almost always hiring, and not just in Carrollton. We have offices in Fort Worth, Everman, Burleson and Alvarado. Just go to Halliburton.com/jobs. We have all sorts of disciplines, if he does find something that he likes let me know so that I can refer him.

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