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Old 02-17-16, 12:05 AM   #1
KingCat
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tell the wife or dont tell the wife

My friend Luke told me an interesting story today as we were talking about marriage. Story goes like this..... Luke was 39 yrs old and single. He had dated a lot in his 20's and early 30's but as his 30's carried on he lost a lot of interest in dating, women and the prospect of getting married. Like most people, he was caught in the dilemma and grey area where he wasn't sure if he would ever find the right girl, if he even wanted to get married and the dreaded prospect of never having kids and getting old alone. He was deathly afraid of marrying the wrong woman.
Finally he decided to himself that he would "lower his standards" and marry a woman that he was simply "luke warm" about. He wasn't in love. She was only mildly attractive. She was very nice and a great person. She was very good to him. Sometimes he was embarrassed about taking her around old friends because everyone he knew had pretty wives and more importantly, they seemed to like/love their wives more and were in love. He wasn't in love.
In his mind this was just how life went sometimes. The Hollywood version of finding your true love didn't happen to everyone. That was fine with him.
Then they had kids. Two of them. One boy, one girl. After each child he realized how amazingly strong his wife was and how dedicated she was to their kids. He admired that about her.
Everyday that went by he found himself having stronger and stronger feelings toward his wife. Finally he realized he loved her more than any other woman he had ever been with. It took about 6 years of marriage to reach this point.

Now the interesting part....he then tells me...."I have always wondered if I should tell her this".
On one hand she could be very hurt and offended by his lack of feelings about her. On the other hand, she should be very happy that he now loves her with all of his heart.

So what so you....should he tell her or just keep quite and enjoy the rest of his marriage ?
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Old 02-17-16, 12:19 AM   #2
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Finally he decided to himself that he would "lower his standards" and marry a woman that he was simply "luke warm" about. He wasn't in love. She was only mildly attractive. She was very nice and a great person. She was very good to him. Sometimes he was embarrassed about taking her around old friends because everyone he knew had pretty wives and more importantly, they seemed to like/love their wives more and were in love. He wasn't in love.

Now the interesting part....he then tells me...."I have always wondered if I should tell her this".
On one hand she could be very hurt and offended by his lack of feelings about her. On the other hand, she should be very happy that he now loves her with all of his heart.

So what so you....should he tell her or just keep quite and enjoy the rest of his marriage ?
Just what every woman wants to hear ... that she is only mildly attractive and her husband is embarrassed to be with her.

If he decides to tell her, I recommend that he has his bags packed and an apartment lined up.
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Old 02-17-16, 01:22 AM   #3
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Don't tell her the mildly attracted part.

But do tell her that since he got married how his feelings for her have become stronger and stronger and that he loves her more than any other women. Tell her the part about loving her more than any other woman repeatedly.
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Old 02-17-16, 05:12 AM   #4
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Low expectations are a good thing.
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Old 02-17-16, 05:22 AM   #5
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I would definitely de-blunt the version you laid out. It should be OK to say that he was nervous and uncertain early in the marriage, that he loves her more each day, or just "I love you". Not telling the hurtful part is not the same as lying, especially since it is no longer relevant (He is no longer embarrassed, unsure, etc.).
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Old 02-17-16, 05:36 AM   #6
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I thought this would be about hiding a bike from your wife.
First I'm not a relationship expert, but just like I'm not a bike expert either, it won't stop me from commenting. But I do consider myself somewhat "experienced with women ". Do Not Tell Her Any Of That. Of course every person wants to hear how much they're adored, so that part is ok as long as it doesn't lead to saying the rest.

Since we're on the Foo chanel. I also have a "friend" who wants to know: If a friend who has a an amazing collection of bikes, (including DeRosa Colnago Pinarello 7-11 E.M. kestrel, several year TDF Trek team bikes) suddenly Dies. How long should I wait to ask his wife about those bikes?
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Old 02-17-16, 05:47 AM   #7
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I find when things are going my way it's best to keep my mouth shut about them.
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Old 02-17-16, 06:27 AM   #8
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tell the wife or dont tell the wife

If you do tell her the whole story, be prepared for:

"Thanks for telling me. I've actually never really loved you either, but now I've got the kids at least..."

Cope with that?
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Old 02-17-16, 06:32 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by texaspandj View Post
Since we're on the Foo chanel. I also have a "friend" who wants to know: If a friend who has a an amazing collection of bikes, (including DeRosa Colnago Pinarello 7-11 E.M. kestrel, several year TDF Trek team bikes) suddenly Dies. How long should I wait to ask his wife about those bikes?
Just tell her you know how much those bikes meant to him, and you'd be happy to take care of them... Is that what you think your friend would want?
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Old 02-17-16, 06:39 AM   #10
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tell the wife or dont tell the wife

"And my heart won't tell my mind
To tell my mouth what it should say..."

Zac Brown Band - "As she's walking away"
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Old 02-17-16, 06:49 AM   #11
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I find when things are going my way it's best to keep my mouth shut about them.
+1 . Why rock the boat when you don't have nothing to gain .
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Old 02-17-16, 07:36 AM   #12
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Sheesh. Shut your pie-hole, Luke.
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Old 02-17-16, 07:37 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by KingCat View Post
My friend Luke told me an interesting story today as we were talking about marriage. Story goes like this..... Luke was 39 yrs old and single. He had dated a lot in his 20's and early 30's but as his 30's carried on he lost a lot of interest in dating, women and the prospect of getting married. Like most people, he was caught in the dilemma and grey area where he wasn't sure if he would ever find the right girl, if he even wanted to get married and the dreaded prospect of never having kids and getting old alone. He was deathly afraid of marrying the wrong woman.
Finally he decided to himself that he would "lower his standards" and marry a woman that he was simply "luke warm" about. He wasn't in love. She was only mildly attractive. She was very nice and a great person. She was very good to him. Sometimes he was embarrassed about taking her around old friends because everyone he knew had pretty wives and more importantly, they seemed to like/love their wives more and were in love. He wasn't in love.
In his mind this was just how life went sometimes. The Hollywood version of finding your true love didn't happen to everyone. That was fine with him.
Then they had kids. Two of them. One boy, one girl. After each child he realized how amazingly strong his wife was and how dedicated she was to their kids. He admired that about her.
Everyday that went by he found himself having stronger and stronger feelings toward his wife. Finally he realized he loved her more than any other woman he had ever been with. It took about 6 years of marriage to reach this point.

Now the interesting part....he then tells me...."I have always wondered if I should tell her this".
On one hand she could be very hurt and offended by his lack of feelings about her. On the other hand, she should be very happy that he now loves her with all of his heart.

So what so you....should he tell her or just keep quite and enjoy the rest of his marriage ?
He should only say, "I love you more and more every day."
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Old 02-17-16, 07:39 AM   #14
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I find when things are going my way it's best to keep my mouth shut about them.
This.
Add to this that she probably already understood his feelings on some level, and saying them out loud (as the detailed story above anyway) would just cause more pain. Telling her how much he loves her now is great. There is no need to explain how much things have changed, just enjoy it.
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Old 02-17-16, 07:48 AM   #15
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...... Finally he decided to himself that he would "lower his standards" and marry a woman that he was simply "luke warm" about..........should he tell her or just keep quite and enjoy the rest of his marriage ?
She didn't tell him that she lowered her standards... and married an arrogant horses-behind. He should follow her example and keep his mouth shut.
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Old 02-17-16, 08:29 AM   #16
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Sheesh. Shut your pie-hole, Luke.
Amen to that. Is Luke in the ad biz?
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Old 02-17-16, 09:45 AM   #17
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Luke should not tell his wife the back-story. He should go with "I love you more and more every day", as mentioned above.

He shouldn't tell his friends, either. They might post it on the internet.

I suspect the opposite happens as often as the story in the original post does - a guy marries some hot lookin' babe who is used to being chased by successful, handsome men, and then the man finds out later that she is not interested in cooking, cleaning, or raising children.

Last edited by Squeeze; 02-17-16 at 09:51 AM.
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Old 02-17-16, 09:56 AM   #18
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Now the interesting part....he then tells me...."I have always wondered if I should tell her this".
At this point you should have asked him is he was f****** nuts?
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On one hand she could be very hurt and offended by his lack of feelings about her. On the other hand, she should be very happy that he now loves her with all of his heart.


So what so you....should he tell her or just keep quite and enjoy the rest of his marriage ?
He should tell her that last part, everyday, and forget he ever thought the first part. No good can come of him telling her that part.

When I met my wife I was interested in another woman, she was way prettier than my wife. Things didn't work out, so I went my second option, now my wife. I told her this one night, much alcohol was involved, it was a bad idea.
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Old 02-17-16, 01:52 PM   #19
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I also have a "friend" who wants to know: If a friend who has a an amazing collection of bikes, (including DeRosa Colnago Pinarello 7-11 E.M. kestrel, several year TDF Trek team bikes) suddenly Dies. How long should I wait to ask his wife about those bikes?
Wait for her to bring it up without prompting, in other words, wait forever.
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Old 02-17-16, 02:10 PM   #20
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tell him to get his own apartment and a 2nd job to pay for it and then see how happy he is
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Old 02-17-16, 02:21 PM   #21
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I couldn't imagine the conversation starter that would bring up this piece of history. But, it is probably best to just ignore it.

There are some women that just suck the air out of a room when they walk in.
Others don't.
I suppose the same would be true for men.

No doubt she already knows which category she falls in.

Having someone who is wildly in love with her TODAY is the most important thing.

How many of his friend's trophy wives have tarnished over the years? Divorce?
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Old 02-17-16, 02:46 PM   #22
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"I thought this would be about hiding a bike from your wife."

Geez, me too. I was hoping for some different wisdom other then only buy white bikes so she can't keep track, or something useful.
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Old 02-17-16, 04:33 PM   #23
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He could tell her that he has not so gracefully aged into into the lower standard he settled for in his youth.
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Old 02-17-16, 05:38 PM   #24
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The answer is a resounding no.
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Old 02-17-16, 05:51 PM   #25
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Sheesh. Shut your pie-hole, Luke.
^^^^

When you want to confess something to somebody that serves no useful purpose other than making YOU feel better, suck it up and STFU. Forever.
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