An angry motorist swerves to run me off the road. I know this because he also shouted, "Get the he11 off the road, you moron!!" I catch up to him at the next red light. The appropriate VC response is:
a. Ignore him.
b. Get his tag number and report him to police.
c. Hock up a loogie onto his window.
d. Whack his quarter panel with my u-lock.
e. Give the motorist a steely, alpha-dog stare.
I'm sharing the lane with motorists because the lanes are fairly wide. There's a lot of traffic, so I'm sort of walled-in. It's dark, and all of a sudden there's this smelly roadkill in front of me I can't avoid, so I run over it. It gets on me and my bike. The appropriate VC response is:
a. Wear the roadkill (and flies) with pride and show it off at work before I wash it off.
b. Pull over and get out my special VC roadkill clean-up kit and go to work.
c. Ride on and hope the stench will dissipate before I get to work.
d. Stop in at McDonald's, wait in line and ask the cashier if I can use the bathroom to wash the roadkill guts off (using my "indoor voice.")
e. Whack the roadkill with my u-lock.
f. Give the roadkill a steely, alpha-dog stare.
I'm crossing a huge intersection with traffic. I'm in the center of the lane flowing with motorists through the intersection. After I enter the intersection, the light turns yellow, then red before I'm even halfway through. The appropriate VC response is:
a. Hammer like he11.
b. Turn at a right angle in the direction of traffic coming from my right.
c. Yell, "AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!" and kiss my a$$ goodbye.
d. Both b and c.
e. Trust that motorists will all wait for me to get through before they stomp on the gas.
f. Hold up my u-lock in a threatening manner.
g. Give every motorist a steely, alpha-dog stare.
I'm surfing on BikeForums and start a bogus thread. The responses become abusive and out-of-hand. The appropriate VC response is:
a. Be nice to everyone.
b. Flame everyone.
c. Hold up my u-lock in a threatening manner.
d. Give my computer screen a steely, alpha-dog stare.
e. Ask Serge what the appropriate VC response is.
d. Do nothing, it's only a joke anyway.
(With apologies to Serge, who I know is a good sport.)