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Old 01-06-06, 11:46 PM   #1
explody pup
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What the hell is happening?

Okay. I yet again turn to the anonymity of the internet. Sorry.

So thing between my (now ex) girlfriend and myself have been pretty thin the last couple of weeks. I could tell there was something wrong and I'm not the most subtle person. Last Tuesday I call her up and ask her what's up. In the end it was decided that she didn't feel for me the way I felt for her. I'm okay with that and understood (for reasons beyond the scope of this thread). No harsh words, everything went smoothly. "Still friends" blah blah blah.

So tonight she calls me up and invites me over to watch a movie. I go over. Nothing happens, not that I was expecting anything. We talked a lot, hugged, and I left. We'll be going out with a group of friends tomorrow night.

This is confusing the **** out of me. She's not manipulative at all. Or needy. So I don't think she's doing this for some kind of ego boost. I don't think I'm any kind of "emotional tampon" since she's never dumped her emotions on me.

So what the hell is going on?

Was this just watching a movie with a friend or something more?

This wouldn't be bugging me if I didn't like her so much.
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Old 01-06-06, 11:50 PM   #2
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I think she is probably unsure of her feeling, or actually is that 1% that can just be friend immediately after a breakup without getting weird.

Just keep in mind to not get weird if she moves on to dating again before you do....I've been there and it's hard, but try not to, for her sake.
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Old 01-06-06, 11:51 PM   #3
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There's no new tail on the horizon. And the ex will be out of the picture soon, anyway.
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Old 01-07-06, 12:16 AM   #4
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Just do her already. My gf and I do it like 6-7 times a day sometimes if it's raining and we need to burn the extra 1000 or so calories we stored up for the weekend ride.
Obviously she still wants you but once you're actually over there, you make her sick.
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Old 01-07-06, 12:44 AM   #5
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Just do whatever Koffee says.
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Old 01-07-06, 01:01 AM   #6
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Hey, mind not mirroring my life? Thanks.


I'm in a somewhat similar situation and had it explained to me in a way that makes a whole lot of sense. However, in my situation, she wants me to sleep with her (even though she has a new boyfriend [that isn't working out]) and I'm refusing.

How it was explained to me is that her intentions (consciously or not) may very likely be:
He's (you) a good guy, was fun, but I want to try new things. If the new stuff doesn't work, he's like my little puppy that I can always come back to to pet and talk to.

Take the upper hand in the situation, remove the hugging, remove any kind of relationship talk unless it's about you moving on.

Worked wonders for me. She begged... literally... and I looked her in the eye and said: "I've been telling you no for two weeks. I've been saying no because I don't want to, at least, not with you anyway."
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Old 01-07-06, 01:14 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by jyossarian
Just do whatever Koffee says.
Koffee says:

Day-um! Seriously... you know she doesn't feel the same way for you... translation- she sees you as a FRIEND. So if she invites you over for a movie and gives you a HUG, can she be more obvious, or does she need you to club you over the head with a friendship bat? If she'd been looking for something more, you wouldn't have been watching that movie, right?

You're confused because you have those feelings for her, and you haven't accepted that she just wants to be friends. You want to see those feelings reciprocated despite the discussion you all had, and you're so busy looking for signals that aren't there that it's confusing you. Sounds like she's cool with things, but you're the one having the problem. It would probably be a good idea to not hang with her until you really and truly accept that it's over and accept that she only wants to be friends.

Koffee speaketh.

Koffee
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Old 01-07-06, 08:43 AM   #8
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Either accept her as a friend and not an object of your desire or move on. I say break it off. Pain now translates into sanity later.
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Old 01-07-06, 08:50 AM   #9
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Perhaps she feels sorry for you and thinks by spending time together as "friends" it will be easier for you....
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Old 01-07-06, 09:30 AM   #10
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Stop seeing the girl. She's using you as a 'safety net'. She won't cut you loose completely until she finds your replacement. Tell her you're done with the relationship. You were interested in her as a girlfriend. You don't want to be her friend. You have enough friends and don't want more.
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Old 01-07-06, 09:46 AM   #11
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I'd say you have to distance yourself from her. I personally just hate these dangling on types of relationships. At least for a while. That will allow you (and her) to more clearheadedly sort things out.
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Old 01-07-06, 10:09 AM   #12
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This is a good time for a reality check.
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Old 01-07-06, 11:03 AM   #13
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I'd say you have to distance yourself from her. I personally just hate these dangling on types of relationships. At least for a while. That will allow you (and her) to more clearheadedly sort things out.
Agreed.
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Old 01-07-06, 11:09 AM   #14
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Best advice I saw was from Say Anything. Find a chick that looks like her, nail her, then dump her. Get her out of your head, man.

At least she didn't give you a pen to write her with.
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Old 01-07-06, 11:30 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by koffee brown
Koffee says:

Day-um! Seriously... you know she doesn't feel the same way for you... translation- she sees you as a FRIEND. So if she invites you over for a movie and gives you a HUG, can she be more obvious, or does she need you to club you over the head with a friendship bat? If she'd been looking for something more, you wouldn't have been watching that movie, right?

You're confused because you have those feelings for her, and you haven't accepted that she just wants to be friends. You want to see those feelings reciprocated despite the discussion you all had, and you're so busy looking for signals that aren't there that it's confusing you. Sounds like she's cool with things, but you're the one having the problem. It would probably be a good idea to not hang with her until you really and truly accept that it's over and accept that she only wants to be friends.

Koffee speaketh.

Koffee
Heh. Truth hurts. Yes, I know this is all wishful thinking.

Here's some more info (and why I don't think I'm being used as a "safety net"). She's moving away at the beginning of February. She's a nurse and is enrolling in a travel program where she'll move to different cities for a certain amount of time, usually 3 months per location. She plans on comming back here for a couple weeks between assignments. So she's not looking for another guy, at least not here. As far as dating people where she moves to, I don't know or care, really. I'm mostly just trying to figure out what she wants. And, yeah, it's sinking in that I'm just a friend. I asked her earlier when we broke up if she feels this way because she's moving or because she's not interested in dating me anymore. She basically said both, but mostly the later. But the thing is, she's not the most open person about what she feels. Every time this has come up I've had to force the issue. So I don't know if she's saying that because it's true or because it'll break things off cleaner. I know I should give her the benefit of the doubt, though.

And, no, I don't think I'm going to just break contact with her. She means a lot, even as just a friend. And I'm always happy to have more friends. I'm willing to give her up in any other capacity.

I just don't really want to. At least not now.

I'll talk to her tonight and hash things out.
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Old 01-07-06, 11:31 AM   #16
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Best advice I saw was from Say Anything. Find a chick that looks like her, nail her, then dump her. Get her out of your head, man.

At least she didn't give you a pen to write her with.
Yeah, because the best way to deal with situations like this is to treat innocent people like garbage.
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Old 01-07-06, 11:33 AM   #17
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That's what I do with my friends. Watch movies...go out on group dates. Yeah...looks like you are "just friends". If you DO want to still be friends, then be happy that she's on the same page as you. Otherwise tell it to her straight. Listen hon...I have enough friends...so unless we're knockin boots...I don't wanna suffer through stupid chick flicks with you.
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Old 01-07-06, 11:36 AM   #18
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That's what I do with my friends. Watch movies...go out on group dates. Yeah...looks like you are "just friends". If you DO want to still be friends, then be happy that she's on the same page as you. Otherwise tell it to her straight. Listen hon...I have enough friends...so unless we're knockin boots...I don't wanna suffer through stupid chick flicks with you.
Alright! I like it.
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Old 01-07-06, 11:54 AM   #19
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Originally Posted by ajay677
Stop seeing the girl. She's using you as a 'safety net'. She won't cut you loose completely until she finds your replacement. Tell her you're done with the relationship. You were interested in her as a girlfriend. You don't want to be her friend. You have enough friends and don't want more.

Don't act deranged.

Look, if the woman was using him, she would have been all over him all night, then kicked him out afterwards with a hug and a handshake. There's nothing going on with "finding a replacement". Man, your imagination is out of control. This ain't Dynasty. This is someone who assumes that when they had The Talk, that he truly understood the "just friends" stuff, and invited him over for a movie. It's not her fault he doesn't get it or remains hopeful, or looks for signs, and when he doesn't see them, then he wonders what the heck is going on. If he's wondering, I refer him back to The Talk. Everything is always stated in The Talk. If he didn't understand what she was telling him in The Talk, he should have asked her to elaborate. Perhaps her only fault here is not being mean- frank and brutal when someone's chasing you around with puppy dog eyes is sometimes the best way to go. It will hurt, but it'll make things clearer, and he'll recover a whole lot faster from the relationship.

But you are right about one thing- he needs to not see her.

Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.

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Old 01-07-06, 12:29 PM   #20
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She's using you even if in an unconscious, unintentional, or completely innocent manner. Has she not dictated new terms, and with the realization that you are not completely happy with those terms, still insists upon having you there for *her* needs?
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Old 01-07-06, 12:32 PM   #21
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Ummmmmm... she says she wants to be friends.

She invites you over for friends stuff.

He gets upset because he wants to paw her but she's acting like a friend.

How obvious does a woman need to be? He said he was ok with it during The Talk. She takes his word to be true. Now, because he can't accept the friends thing, SHE'S using HIM?

I don't get you guys and your gonads. Does she need to stab it with a fork for him to get the picture?

SHE NO WANT.

Get it?

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Old 01-07-06, 12:45 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by koffee brown
Ummmmmm... she says she wants to be friends.

She invites you over for friends stuff.

He gets upset because he wants to paw her but she's acting like a friend.

How obvious does a woman need to be? He said he was ok with it during The Talk. She takes his word to be true. Now, because he can't accept the friends thing, SHE'S using HIM?

I don't get you guys and your gonads. Does she need to stab it with a fork for him to get the picture?

SHE NO WANT.

Get it?

Koffee
It's not a guy or girl issue. Isn't she aware that he has not been able to completely accept the situation yet? He seems still in mourning, still wishful, and in his own words, confused. On this level she is several steps ahead of him. Wouldn't it be the kind and caring thing for her to set him free completely?
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Old 01-07-06, 12:53 PM   #23
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Dang. Koffee smart.

Listen to her.
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Old 01-07-06, 01:01 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by pigmode
It's not a guy or girl issue. Isn't she aware that he has not been able to completely accept the situation yet? He seems still in mourning, still wishful, and in his own words, confused. On this level she is several steps ahead of him. Wouldn't it be the kind and caring thing for her to set him free completely?
I think she's been kind and caring up until now. She's basically said 1) she doesn't feel the same way he feels and 2) she's going to be travelling, so she wants to be unencumbered with a relationship. Ummmmmm... it's kind of obvious. Perhaps she should get a steak knife and jab his gonads a little.

It's not her fault that despite all the stuff she's said to tell him she's not into him anymore that he still is running around after her with puppy eyes. If someone told me it was over, I would take their word for it and understand that when they say they don't think of me that way, they just don't. In this situation, he's looking for signals indicating otherwise and lying to her about it- saying you're cool with it, then getting upset with it when she invites you over to do stuff as friends is not her fault- it's HIS.

It is a guy thing. Then again, doods are usually pretty harsh with the wording when it comes to break ups. So when a woman gets the boot from a guy, if she goes back for more, she knows the score. But when a woman breaks it off with a guy, and the guy still has the hots, he's always looking for the signals. Always.

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Old 01-07-06, 01:14 PM   #25
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Yeah I agree with all of that, especially his culpabilty in the matter. That does not change the fact that she holds the high ground and is in a better emotional position to see that if he is unable to cut the line himself, then perhaps she should do it for him. I mentioned kind and caring, not political and economic.
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