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Old 02-24-06, 03:30 AM   #1
MetalHead90
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Some freind help

Well, one of my freinds is in a relationship that they want out of. But, they feel that they cant because the other person would become a threat to themselves (Suicidal, depressed, depends) It boils down to this. She doenst want him, but doenst want to hurt him because he is OBSESSED with her. And, as I stated before, the guy who is obsessed MAY become a threat to themself.
And its really crushing my freind, and its hurting me to see my freind like this. She needs a way out. And I cant provide it to her. So I turn to you, any advise would be appreciated.

It really really hurts me to see her like this, please help
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Old 02-24-06, 07:42 AM   #2
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She has to end the relationship there is no good way to go about this. Its sucks for her knowing that he has these thoughts of ending his life. But what he needs is PROFESSIONAL help and she can't provide it for him. I lost my brother to suicide coming on 8 years ago. Most people who are thinking about suicide will likely proceed with it unless they get some help.
If she is feeling responisble which she SHOULDN'T at all (this goes beyond what a level headed person can help with) then maybe she can call a hotline or seek out help with his family etc.
Her staying in the relationship will NOT make things better.
Right now all she should provide is friendship to him. My only advice is to seek professional help out there for him and for her to end it with him but gently (will as gently and she can). She has to remember that she has to care for herself first.
Its a real tough situation and I'm so sorry that he has to go through this but he needs to know that LIFE is worth living even if its difficult at times.

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Old 02-24-06, 07:55 AM   #3
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She needs to know that his feelings are not her fault. He needs to own his own issues. She is responsible TO him, but not FOR him. He is responsible for his own behavior and his reaction to her leaving him will be none but his own to own. I also agree that he needs to consult a professional.
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Old 02-24-06, 09:43 AM   #4
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In all likelihood, if he is a danger to himself, there is a fairly high probability that he will at some point become a danger to her, as well. This is regardless of whether she breaks it off with him or not.

She needs to bolt and do it now. I don't have any advise for how to end the relationship. Just that it does need to end.

She may need to have her friends closer than usual, if there is the posibility of him stalking her, after the breakup

Good luck to you and your friend.
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Old 02-24-06, 09:54 AM   #5
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It's his life. If he feels that suicide is his only avenue - then that is his choice. It's not your life. You should not control him and tell him he has to live it if he doesn't want to. He also could be just using it as a crutch to get something that he wants then.

Either way - you simply need to let her know that it is his life. The decisions and choices that he makes are his. She should also be made aware of the potential danger that she could be in and make her aware that her decisions are her own decisions. If she is not happy in the relationship then leave.
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Old 02-24-06, 09:55 AM   #6
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Heh....I find it utterly ridiculous that people THINK that they have to have someone to rely on for a relationship, it's Pure nonsense.
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Old 02-24-06, 10:12 AM   #7
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I have a friend that was/is in a similar situation. I think her husband may have worked through his problems enough to err on the side of not killing himself, but I've pretty much given up hope on either one of them actually being happy, together or separately. I'm kind of sick of giving her good advice(as most of her other friends do) and having it acknowledged, then totally ignored. It's like a freakin' marital Mexican standoff. Neither party's willing to do what really needs to be done. So, um, pretty much what everyone else said....



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Originally Posted by sngltrackdufus
Heh....I find it utterly ridiculous that people THINK that they have to have someone to rely on for a relationship, it's Pure nonsense.
I...totally...agree.... I can't believe I just said that!
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Old 02-24-06, 12:46 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MMACH 5
In all likelihood, if he is a danger to himself, there is a fairly high probability that he will at some point become a danger to her, as well. This is regardless of whether she breaks it off with him or not.

She needs to bolt and do it now. I don't have any advise for how to end the relationship. Just that it does need to end.

She may need to have her friends closer than usual, if there is the posibility of him stalking her, after the breakup

Good luck to you and your friend.

Then I would be a danger to him.
But anyways, I've told her most of this hundreds of times. I told her its not your life, you arent responisible for his feelings and she NEEDS to end it, softly or otherwise.

Thank you for all your help so far.
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Old 02-24-06, 12:54 PM   #9
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What else is in this obsessive dude's life? If he's obsessive about her, it's possible that there's something else he'll be obsessive about - and possibly much more within his control. Diverting him to a different obsession might help in "letting him down gently". Perhaps even passing him off to a girlfriend who's better prepared to deal with the situation would be a solution (not the first choice definitely, and not something done without advance collaboration if it comes to that).

The longer this goes on, the uglier it's likely to become for both of them.
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Old 02-24-06, 03:14 PM   #10
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I learned first hand that when someone is going down the tubes, the last thing you do is jump in after them. It's a form of codependence really. Needy people are exceptionally manipulative.

Spongedad's rules of breaking up:
1. Don't explain why, just say it's over.
2. Don't hedge or offer to be friends afterward.
3. Don't sit on the bed next to them when you're pulling the trigger.
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Old 02-24-06, 08:15 PM   #11
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I like the way you think Spongedad.

i guess I'll tell her that. Thanks dude.
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Old 02-25-06, 01:07 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by koine2002
She needs to know that his feelings are not her fault. He needs to own his own issues. She is responsible TO him, but not FOR him. He is responsible for his own behavior and his reaction to her leaving him will be none but his own to own. I also agree that he needs to consult a professional.

Agreed.

Also, agree with what MMACH5 said; there is danger that he may become dangerous to her.

What do you think the guy would do if she "cheated" on him? Not that she has to, she could just confess that she did....
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Old 02-25-06, 08:01 PM   #13
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Its been done. She ended it. And she told me there was very little tension.

Thank you guys very much
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Old 02-25-06, 10:17 PM   #14
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Good deal!
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