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Old 02-27-06, 04:00 AM   #1
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How to you cope...

Good Morning,

Yesterday was a very bitter sweet day for me, and not by any choice of mine for sure. It is going to take a long time for me to get over this one, I am not sure how long. Really I am grieving right now, unsure of how to take this all, I am still a bit shocked...

My father and I had an big fight today, over some stupid shirt not being washed or something (basically he was supose to wash a shirt for me and did not). Well in the midst of all of this I shout, I can never believe you are not telling me some story, I know you are not telling me everything, I can not seem to trust you... which turned into him almost pushing me through a door, for which I kicked him and ran out... not a pleasant experience.

Well on the way back from a pizza delievery he calls, and starts blabbing all this crap at me, much of it I was not ready to hear...

1. Oh I got this call from some doctor, Dr. ____, he said something about your genetic testing was in and Mandy they said you were XXY. BTW you could have asked, we knew that one your whole life but did not think it was important.

2. Oh ya, when we took you to LA, the doctors found a small vigina opening, falopian tubes, etc. They wanted to make you a girl, we said no, they insisted, your mom wanted it, I did not. The doctor was not happy, but I said no.

3. At two the doctors gave you testosterone to try and get your p***s to grow, after several treatments, no change. They observed you, you acted like a girl, they said, she is a girl, I said no.

4. At age seven you had sergery. Once again the doctors said, look she is acting like a girl, and they insisted that the testies be removed and he be made a girl. The dad said no, and you were made a boy.

BTW before this all I knew was that I went to LA for something, I did not have a vigina and I was raised male, obviously I was never really male, and my parents made me this way.


I don't know how to handle all of this, I nearly crashed as for 45 minutes I cried, and ended up collasping at work. Over the next six hours I cried on and off, even now it is very hard to comprehend. I almost believe my parents had their interest over mine. I know that the decision must have been hard but at seven if they would have asked I would have elected to have surgury to become fully female... that would have saved me 24 years of heartbreak and dread... in a way I have been locked in some prision for most of my life, and now once I open the doors I am changing completly...

It is not the fact that I know what the truth really is, but that they lied for all these years to cover it up... that is hard... I just do not know how to cope.

My drivers licence expires in 30 days, I don't know if it is enough time to officially change my name in social security, drivers licences, etc. but I will be giving it a shot... I was never "really" Michael anyway.

Mandy
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Old 02-27-06, 06:33 AM   #2
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Mandy dear, I feel for you. Really I do. The story isn't unusual. The I/S child is often medically abused, chemically altered and surgically transfromed in to what the paqrents wish the child to be. This was the case 50 years ago with a dear friend of mine, it seems it still the case 20 years ago with you.

When will parents learn ther is nothing "wrong" with these children that needs to be "fixed" today!?!? If only the parents could love, support, stimulate and encourage these children to develop their own identity, to let the children choose without prejiduce which direction they want their lives to go, wouldn't that be great. Only so much rhetoric tho'

IMO, for what it's worth, it's ok to feel the anger you're feeling towards your parents. Too you need to express this anger constructivly to them. It will serve no positive end to rage incoherently and asign blame or cast guilt for, and you need to believe this in your heart of hearts, they made the best decicissions for you that they believed the could make at the time.

You can't change the past, only learn from and build upon it. I'm sure youve been to the isna.org site, maybe you can find some coping tools there and maybe even some insights on dealing with your parents as well.

Go slowly, once they leave your lips your words can never be retracted.
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Old 02-27-06, 06:44 AM   #3
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Mandy....I can barely think of anything to say. I know it must be extremely heartbreaking.

Just realize that it was very hard on your parents too. They didn't necessarily know the best thing to do. It sucks bad....and hindsight is always 20/20. Maybe at the time they thought they were doing the right thing. I agree with Stacey in that you have a right to be angry, but I'd try not to resent them. There's a fine line....keep the anger to a "forgiveable" level.

Now YOU know WHO you are and are working to make it happen. Just be glad that YOU aren't confused anymore.
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Old 02-27-06, 07:39 AM   #4
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After sitting on this for a long time (more than just the last 12 or so hours), I understand that the choice my parents had to make must have been horrable. Like many of these cases, the parents are guided my medical doctors the wrong way (see John/Joan, not quite the same but close). I am not angry at them for the choice they made in regards to their decision although I wish they would have choosen the opposite direction to go. I feel because they peppered me with lies all these years that I have been living a lie, and through torrment through what is supose to be the best years of our lives.

I am one for the textbooks, there has only been one or two recorded cases of GID and KS (Kallmann's syndrome) on record, so rare that most people with KS (rare alone) are brain developed the way of their biological sex, microphallius or not. Apparently something in my genetic structure coded my brain a particular way, and instread of recieving the "normal" testosterone doses in the womb that a "normal" KS person would have gotten, I did not get enough... and enter GID.

I will always have hurt in my heart and with time I will come back and we will talk again, healing will have to happen though. I guess we all grieve in our own ways, my parents are just going to have to come to the realization that they did nothing wrong but that they are going to have to come one day and accept who I am...

In less than 30 days name change will be official, although it may be 18 months until it becomes 100% used. Life moves on though, and maybe with the help of my therapist I can realize that today.

Thank You again,
Mandy
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Old 02-27-06, 08:16 AM   #5
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Sounds like your dad's decisions were the final ones. Still, like everyone said, what's past is past and there's nothing to do but move forward and deal with the decisions of the past. The best years of your life are ahead of you if you choose to make them that way. Having decided to change your sex, you've already faced the toughest decision and are well on your way to making your life what it should be.
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Old 02-27-06, 08:48 AM   #6
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Um, wow! I'm almost speechless. As jacked up as the situation was/is, I can't imagine what it would be like to be in your parents' or your shoes, then or now. I hope you can work through this latest shock without too much damage to your psyche.

This is probably going to sound stupid, but I learned a lesson over many years and mistakes, from a simple saying, "There's no use in crying over spilt milk." I know it's very simplistic, but it's helped me out a lot over the past few years. If something happened that wasn't in my power to control, I tried to let it go. It might be something that someone else is responsible for, but I try not to play the blame game or hold myself at fault. I do try to change things for the better, if possible. Some people see my view as fatalistic, but I think it's more realistic. Take control of what you can now, and in the future, and remember that we can't travel back in time to "fix" things. Move forward and do what you feel must be done.

Hmm, guess I wasn't anywhere near speechless. Good luck, Mandy!
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Old 02-27-06, 09:18 AM   #7
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Wow... Mandy, I don't know what to say. Except that I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through.
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Old 02-27-06, 09:30 AM   #8
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Thank You all, I appriciate it very much [HUGS!]

The closest way I can discribe what this is like is a person in an election, say a presidental election. Each canidate knows he can win or lose, and they mentally prepare for either possability. Sometimes a person knows they are going to loose, like the green party for example. We all think we know what it is going to be like to lose, but when it happens it can still hit you hard.

I assumed through the fragments that I had gathered throughout the years that the doctors wanted me to be a girl at birth. I had no idea beyond that. Even though I had prepared myself and accepted that for myself to finally hear it was a total shock, and maybe the time and place was just not right. Of course nothing could prepare you for some of the other things that were said, but sometimes life throws you a curveball.

Someone said, when life throws you lemons, make lemonaid... although it may be bitter to my buds, that sure sounds sweet!

Mandy
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Old 02-27-06, 11:39 AM   #9
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Everyone's parents suck.

Mine told the priest they didn't think my wife (well, she wasn't yet of course) and I should get married. You know, the whole "if you know any reason these two should not be wed" thing. At least nowadays they ask that BEFORE the actual ceremony.

Yeah I'm a parent and I'm sure my kid'll be ranting about me some day. The great circle of life.

Anyway I'm sorry for ya, hopefully in a few decades you'll be able to patch things up with your dad. In the meanwhile, be mad if you want. Repressing feelings never helps. Eventually you'll be able to be like "You're a bunch of morons who seriously screwed me up, but at least I can deal with it better than you did."
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Old 02-27-06, 12:49 PM   #10
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That's some heavy stuff to try and get a handle on. It may not me much more than words on a screen, but we are here for you.
Hang in there.
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Old 02-27-06, 04:28 PM   #11
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Quote:
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Everyone's parents suck.

Mine told the priest they didn't think my wife (well, she wasn't yet of course) and I should get married. You know, the whole "if you know any reason these two should not be wed" thing. At least nowadays they ask that BEFORE the actual ceremony.

Yeah I'm a parent and I'm sure my kid'll be ranting about me some day. The great circle of life.

Anyway I'm sorry for ya, hopefully in a few decades you'll be able to patch things up with your dad. In the meanwhile, be mad if you want. Repressing feelings never helps. Eventually you'll be able to be like "You're a bunch of morons who seriously screwed me up, but at least I can deal with it better than you did."
Everyone's parents don't suck. You just don't hear about the ones that don't.
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Old 02-27-06, 04:33 PM   #12
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Let me get this straight. You started out as having physical traits of both males and females but acted like a girl so you had surgery to become a girl and your parents didn't tell you all this till now?
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Old 02-27-06, 05:45 PM   #13
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^^^ In reverse...

I was a mix of boy and girl, the doctors made me a boy when I was young (they choose male) and my parents did not tell me... although I "knew" since I was about 5 years old...

Read the GID thread here in FOO...
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Old 02-27-06, 05:49 PM   #14
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Quote:
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^^^ In reverse...

I was a mix of boy and girl, the doctors made me a boy when I was young (they choose male) and my parents did not tell me... although I "knew" since I was about 5 years old...

Read the GID thread here in FOO...
OH.... Man Im really sorry for you. If anyone gives you crap about this they deserve a beat down. I would be angry aswell, just don't do anything rash or sudden. We <3 you.
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Old 02-27-06, 05:52 PM   #15
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All I can say is, you're both lucky and unlucky it wasn't my dad . Your parents are tasked with the charge of growing and raising you the way they see fit. Unfortunately this is neither something that people go to school for, nor is it something that you can go to school for.

My parents have a rule. That rule is, you live under my house you live by my rules. This rule would apply for any of us that for one reason or the other had to live under his roof. Its extremely easy to say that a parent is doing something wrong 10-15 years after the matter. Sadly there are thousands of things in this world that people have to face that they are not ready to face, some of which go against their will.

I can also tell you that the choosing of a kid's sex is a very very personal one, and I could see how, if a parent were given the ability to choose, they would choose what they wanted. I am really not sure how one could fault one's own parent for making that choice. My mom had 5 boys. She still wants a girl and you can see that longing for a girl every time she comes by a baby girl.
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Old 02-27-06, 06:24 PM   #16
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Hey tex...

I would not want to be put into that situation either... I can not fault my parents for choosing my sex, yet the problem is not that, it is the secrecy that comes from years of not telling. Let me tell you, it is hard for your perfect child to not be so perfect, but I would rather embrase differences with open arms then hide and leave a kid wondering what is wrong, or worse kill themselves and leave a suicide note...

What a dark feeling of guilt a parent would have to hear that their son or daughter killed themselves over a secret that you kept... not fun!

Your parents can tell you to be in at a certain time, not have friends over, go to school, etc. They can not tell you whether you are a boy or girl, your heighth etc. It is parents like the ones who say the things like yours would that seperate families of people who transistion...

Mandy
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Old 02-27-06, 06:30 PM   #17
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yes, sadly parents and people are not perfect They definitely aren't handling the changing situation very well.
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Old 02-27-06, 06:36 PM   #18
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OH, Mandy. So very sorry to hear that you are going through this. The good news is that you will survive this thing. You have support in places you never knew, you are stronger than you believe you are and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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Old 02-27-06, 06:43 PM   #19
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Just curious, if your a guy why are you going by mandy? also, why do you consider yourself a pizza delivery girl?
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Old 02-27-06, 07:00 PM   #20
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Just curious, if your a guy why are you going by mandy? also, why do you consider yourself a pizza delivery girl?

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Old 02-27-06, 07:01 PM   #21
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Stacey!
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Old 02-27-06, 07:04 PM   #22
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Nice post, Stacey!
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Old 02-27-06, 07:20 PM   #23
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Mandy,

This is not a time to feel blue. This is a time for celebration!!

1. You knew all along who you are. You stood up for yourself. You were right.

2. You are able to surgically correct what was originally you. It is going to be done.

3. Your parents finally came out with the truth. As much as it hurt your dad, he gave in and admitted what he had done. The trust should be stronger.

4. You can be joyful for what God has meant for you.

It took a lot for your dad to tell you this. He had to sacrifice everything that he has hidden. A lot of his friends, neighbors and of course your relatives will all question (in their minds if not to him) what is going on. And you stood your ground. That is what made you strong. Your belief in who you are. And for all of the pain that you have gone through, this is your reward. Please don't hate your parents. As a child it was hard for them to make that decision, and no parent ever wants to hurt their child. They love you. They HAVE been through this with you. They knew all along and it was just a matter of time for them to admit it to themselves who you really are.

Things are looking good from here on. They cannot deny you who you are. Time to celebrate, girl. All of the bad stuff is over! (BIGGGGG HUGGG!!!)
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Old 02-27-06, 07:26 PM   #24
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Stacey your a meanie. I hate when arses post stupid pictures when they easily could have answered the question. Im confused.
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Old 02-27-06, 07:51 PM   #25
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OK NoF3ar I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you really are new to the forums or whatever. Mandy is going through the sex-change process to become (once again) a girl. The process of "choosing" male that was done when she was young was... less than perfect.

We call her "she" in honor of her choice. And because she doesn't look half bad dressed as a woman .

This subject has been discussed for quite some time on here and is considered "well-known" by most Foo denizens.
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