Yesterday was a very bitter sweet day for me, and not by any choice of mine for sure. It is going to take a long time for me to get over this one, I am not sure how long. Really I am grieving right now, unsure of how to take this all, I am still a bit shocked...
My father and I had an big fight today, over some stupid shirt not being washed or something (basically he was supose to wash a shirt for me and did not). Well in the midst of all of this I shout, I can never believe you are not telling me some story, I know you are not telling me everything, I can not seem to trust you... which turned into him almost pushing me through a door, for which I kicked him and ran out... not a pleasant experience.
Well on the way back from a pizza delievery he calls, and starts blabbing all this crap at me, much of it I was not ready to hear...
1. Oh I got this call from some doctor, Dr. ____, he said something about your genetic testing was in and Mandy they said you were XXY. BTW you could have asked, we knew that one your whole life but did not think it was important.
2. Oh ya, when we took you to LA, the doctors found a small vigina opening, falopian tubes, etc. They wanted to make you a girl, we said no, they insisted, your mom wanted it, I did not. The doctor was not happy, but I said no.
3. At two the doctors gave you testosterone to try and get your p***s to grow, after several treatments, no change. They observed you, you acted like a girl, they said, she is a girl, I said no.
4. At age seven you had sergery. Once again the doctors said, look she is acting like a girl, and they insisted that the testies be removed and he be made a girl. The dad said no, and you were made a boy.
BTW before this all I knew was that I went to LA for something, I did not have a vigina and I was raised male, obviously I was never really male, and my parents made me this way.
I don't know how to handle all of this, I nearly crashed as for 45 minutes I cried, and ended up collasping at work. Over the next six hours I cried on and off, even now it is very hard to comprehend. I almost believe my parents had their interest over mine. I know that the decision must have been hard but at seven if they would have asked I would have elected to have surgury to become fully female... that would have saved me 24 years of heartbreak and dread... in a way I have been locked in some prision for most of my life, and now once I open the doors I am changing completly...
It is not the fact that I know what the truth really is, but that they lied for all these years to cover it up... that is hard... I just do not know how to cope.
My drivers licence expires in 30 days, I don't know if it is enough time to officially change my name in social security, drivers licences, etc. but I will be giving it a shot... I was never "really" Michael anyway.