It is quite funny to post this anonymously to persons who I shall likely unfortunately never meet. Nevertheless, it serves as the perfect medium for my current thoughts.
I am having a moment. You know one of those moments where you all of a sudden feel a little giddy standing at the top of a decision or activity, then you go down anyway.
Well, I shall share.
I am in a strange part of my life. I am 25 having just finished University. I came from a small town raised by my mum only. I felt I had a great childhood, albeit obviously not perfect, and played basketball at state level whilst still studying hard to get into a combined degree of law and computer science at University.
I went to University and worked hard meeting my first real long time girlfriend of 3 years.
I transferred to a different University on the other side of the country and lived in a house owned by my girlfriends parents. She came over later. I eventually broke up with her because it just did not feel 'right'. I did not love her although she 'said' she loved me. I did not really believe her. I said no friends but I was the one there for her when she called me up crying because her new boyfriend had made her pregnant then denied that it was his and ditched her. She wanted the child but had a miscarriage. I consoled her saying she needs to invest time in herself for some time to understand her beauty. She ended up in a new relationship 5 weeks later so I cut contact. She emailed me when she got married a year later.
I took up martial arts. I always wanted to do this as a child!
I went out with a girl I met modelling * I was a model. I told her I loved her after a month because I thought it. She did not believe me and it freaked her out but we still saw each other. She told me she loved me at about the 7 month mark. A couple of months later I broke up with her because I knew it would not work longterm (she loved spending money on possessions and fancy occasions whereas I do not) *she owned 104 pairs of shoes.
I trained by butt off and won the national Taekwondo championship.
I then met a girl through martial arts who trained a different style of martial arts and was awesome. She was really nice to me and was clearly physically interested. I trained with her which was the best and eventually said why not and accepted her physical advances as well. She trained me REALLY well I became a 2 time national taekwondo champion! I trained so hard.
We had an awesome relationship too for about a year! All seemed rosy. Then, her brother got stabbed in his front yard by a stranger (insane person). Her brother collapsed into the house covered in blood and she held his organs in whilst calling the ambulance.
I got the call from her that she was in hospital. I rushed straight there and brought food for the family.
I stayed the night with her at the hospital and then visited every day for the next 14 days. Somehow the brother survived despite the doctors saying he had as much chance to survive as if he had been shot in the head point blank.
The next year was ridiculously tough. My gf and I fought all the time. I entered my last year of university and got involved with silly law committees just to get a job. I was really stressed by this because it is not me and I behaved badly (very moody and slept a lot) which made the relationship worse.
Yet at the time it was like I was oblivious to it all. Life just rolled on. I got my first real job and worked full time whilst finishing my degree. My gf fell pregnant and we had an abortion. I then decided to change jobs as I did not like my current one (negative environment) and was offered a better one. I took that. I was just rising out of my depression at that stage returning to myself and my gf broke up with me because she did not have that fire for me anymore. Translation: she liked someone else.
I was devastated. I tried to reason with her to talk things out but there was to be none of that. She ended up with that person and I turned down her offer of friends.
That was about 6 months ago now. Since then I have improved all the things about me that i wanted to. I have learnt about responsibility by working a proper job (not just modelling). I have become very clean (I was really messy before hand). I have simplified my life by avoiding unnecessary drama. I have improved myself through books, seminars and training.
This whole thing has made me reevaluate everything in my life. I have not changed me but have started having the behaviour I always wanted.
However, I am now starting to think about things. I mean before in my life nothing mattered to me, life just worked itself out meaning everything mattered I would just go with the flow. No one was questioning or whatever.
I was a kid without fear.
Now I sometimes feel lost. I feel like I have to adapt to others way of lives to interact with them. I feel this comes a lot from my past relationship where my confidence in myself was stripped. After the separation, I interpreted her behaviour very negatively as she would ask me ' do I want to know who the guy she is seeing is', criticise me for my way of living i.e no car and riding everywhere, changing my name (I changed it because my dad did not have anything to do with my child hood so why should I bear his name) et cetera.
I brushed those things off at the time but now I sit here and feel like I have entered this massive world/game. And that I have to play by this set of rules.
If I have to play by those rules then I do not want to play. I have always felt very unique and special. Wow- just realised my ex gf crushed that out of me too, she would say we are just like everyone else.
We may be, but I believe we CHOOSE our actions, and they help define us!
Anyway, so now I come to this part about choosing what my life should be. I have all these options and opinions. I understand mine is the only one that truly counts but I do not know what I want.
People say to sleep around, or meet lots of girls. I do not feel like that.
People say make lots of money and buy things. I do not feel like that.
People say do whatever you feel like, make your life your own. I do not know what I want really.
I love my martial arts I retired after the stabbing as it really freaked me out. I then have taken up a different art which I much prefer. I love that!
I love cycling to work and having my simple lifestyle!
I guess I just dislike being judged. Maybe I feel like being loved right now as I have missed it for such a long time.
It is so funny though because in the past I felt I could get or do anything! Because I did not think. I did not think I was anything bad or good. I was just me.
Now I find myself thinking about all this stuff that I never cared about. For the first time in my life I feel like I am judging my life and I do not know what criteria to judge on. I could choose to do so many different things. But which?
I am alright and these things work themselves out. I am blessed with good luck or karma whatever as good things seem to happen to me randomly.
I am interested as to others experiences and if anyone can share with me as I would really appreciate benefiting from the experience of others!