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Old 03-02-06, 01:41 AM   #1
yendor28
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I do not feel like I fit in - support appreciated!

Hi,

It is quite funny to post this anonymously to persons who I shall likely unfortunately never meet. Nevertheless, it serves as the perfect medium for my current thoughts.

I am having a moment. You know one of those moments where you all of a sudden feel a little giddy standing at the top of a decision or activity, then you go down anyway.

Well, I shall share.

I am in a strange part of my life. I am 25 having just finished University. I came from a small town raised by my mum only. I felt I had a great childhood, albeit obviously not perfect, and played basketball at state level whilst still studying hard to get into a combined degree of law and computer science at University.

I went to University and worked hard meeting my first real long time girlfriend of 3 years.

I transferred to a different University on the other side of the country and lived in a house owned by my girlfriends parents. She came over later. I eventually broke up with her because it just did not feel 'right'. I did not love her although she 'said' she loved me. I did not really believe her. I said no friends but I was the one there for her when she called me up crying because her new boyfriend had made her pregnant then denied that it was his and ditched her. She wanted the child but had a miscarriage. I consoled her saying she needs to invest time in herself for some time to understand her beauty. She ended up in a new relationship 5 weeks later so I cut contact. She emailed me when she got married a year later.

I took up martial arts. I always wanted to do this as a child!

I went out with a girl I met modelling * I was a model. I told her I loved her after a month because I thought it. She did not believe me and it freaked her out but we still saw each other. She told me she loved me at about the 7 month mark. A couple of months later I broke up with her because I knew it would not work longterm (she loved spending money on possessions and fancy occasions whereas I do not) *she owned 104 pairs of shoes.

I trained by butt off and won the national Taekwondo championship.

I then met a girl through martial arts who trained a different style of martial arts and was awesome. She was really nice to me and was clearly physically interested. I trained with her which was the best and eventually said why not and accepted her physical advances as well. She trained me REALLY well I became a 2 time national taekwondo champion! I trained so hard.

We had an awesome relationship too for about a year! All seemed rosy. Then, her brother got stabbed in his front yard by a stranger (insane person). Her brother collapsed into the house covered in blood and she held his organs in whilst calling the ambulance.

I got the call from her that she was in hospital. I rushed straight there and brought food for the family.
I stayed the night with her at the hospital and then visited every day for the next 14 days. Somehow the brother survived despite the doctors saying he had as much chance to survive as if he had been shot in the head point blank.


The next year was ridiculously tough. My gf and I fought all the time. I entered my last year of university and got involved with silly law committees just to get a job. I was really stressed by this because it is not me and I behaved badly (very moody and slept a lot) which made the relationship worse.

Yet at the time it was like I was oblivious to it all. Life just rolled on. I got my first real job and worked full time whilst finishing my degree. My gf fell pregnant and we had an abortion. I then decided to change jobs as I did not like my current one (negative environment) and was offered a better one. I took that. I was just rising out of my depression at that stage returning to myself and my gf broke up with me because she did not have that fire for me anymore. Translation: she liked someone else.

I was devastated. I tried to reason with her to talk things out but there was to be none of that. She ended up with that person and I turned down her offer of friends.

That was about 6 months ago now. Since then I have improved all the things about me that i wanted to. I have learnt about responsibility by working a proper job (not just modelling). I have become very clean (I was really messy before hand). I have simplified my life by avoiding unnecessary drama. I have improved myself through books, seminars and training.

This whole thing has made me reevaluate everything in my life. I have not changed me but have started having the behaviour I always wanted.

However, I am now starting to think about things. I mean before in my life nothing mattered to me, life just worked itself out meaning everything mattered I would just go with the flow. No one was questioning or whatever.

I was a kid without fear.

Now I sometimes feel lost. I feel like I have to adapt to others way of lives to interact with them. I feel this comes a lot from my past relationship where my confidence in myself was stripped. After the separation, I interpreted her behaviour very negatively as she would ask me ' do I want to know who the guy she is seeing is', criticise me for my way of living i.e no car and riding everywhere, changing my name (I changed it because my dad did not have anything to do with my child hood so why should I bear his name) et cetera.

I brushed those things off at the time but now I sit here and feel like I have entered this massive world/game. And that I have to play by this set of rules.

If I have to play by those rules then I do not want to play. I have always felt very unique and special. Wow- just realised my ex gf crushed that out of me too, she would say we are just like everyone else.

We may be, but I believe we CHOOSE our actions, and they help define us!

Anyway, so now I come to this part about choosing what my life should be. I have all these options and opinions. I understand mine is the only one that truly counts but I do not know what I want.

People say to sleep around, or meet lots of girls. I do not feel like that.

People say make lots of money and buy things. I do not feel like that.

People say do whatever you feel like, make your life your own. I do not know what I want really.


I love my martial arts I retired after the stabbing as it really freaked me out. I then have taken up a different art which I much prefer. I love that!

I love cycling to work and having my simple lifestyle!

I guess I just dislike being judged. Maybe I feel like being loved right now as I have missed it for such a long time.

It is so funny though because in the past I felt I could get or do anything! Because I did not think. I did not think I was anything bad or good. I was just me.

Now I find myself thinking about all this stuff that I never cared about. For the first time in my life I feel like I am judging my life and I do not know what criteria to judge on. I could choose to do so many different things. But which?


I am alright and these things work themselves out. I am blessed with good luck or karma whatever as good things seem to happen to me randomly.

I am interested as to others experiences and if anyone can share with me as I would really appreciate benefiting from the experience of others!
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Old 03-02-06, 02:40 AM   #2
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Associating with like-minded people will do you no end of good. It is a great deal easier to love and accept yourself when you are supported mentally by caring people with similar priorities in life.

People that need to have 104 pairs of shoes would not make the short-list to join my "tribe".

You sound strong, non-judgemental, intelligent and caring. There are others out there like you, and you will find them.
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Old 03-02-06, 03:23 AM   #3
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Maybe backpacking around the world and experienceing new sensations might help you with your self discovery. You just might find what you are looking for.
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Old 03-02-06, 10:20 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yendor28
People say to sleep around, or meet lots of girls. I do not feel like that.

People say make lots of money and buy things. I do not feel like that.

People say do whatever you feel like, make your life your own. I do not know what I want really.
Lots of girls or material possessions won't make you any happier in the end. Not that females or possessions are categorically bad things, but they won't solve your issues. The last bit is good advice even if you don't know what you really want. In my opinion, it's desirable to find out. And it's an ongoing process always. You can just let things be, and circumstances will dictate your life. Or you can actively take control, and not everything will be in your control, but things will be more along the lines of what you want. Even if it's not always clear what you want.

It strikes me that your history is being described in large part in the context of past relationships. If this is how you see your life, then perhaps you need to find value elsewhere. (Not that you should find no value in relationships, though.) But in your thread a while back about money, there's plenty going on in your life aside from relationships. If you're telling the story this way because you're basically asking about relationships, well, what can I say? Sometimes, things really stink. From your post and your posts in the money thread, you seem like a great guy. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that everything is your fault.

As for me? I don't know what I want for my life. I'm in the middle of a top PhD program in organic chemistry. Part of me wants to become a professor afterward. The other part, well, unfortunately, there are certain plans I can't talk about unless I commit to them since there's a huge stigma to certain choices in my profession. (And there's more than enough identifying information in my posts to unambiguously identify me.) Needless to say, the possibilities are all over the map. (Figuratively, not literally, as in your career situation.)

A few years back, with my last serious girlfriend, I really thought she was the one. Would have done anything for her. And she thought the same. Until she went away for med school and found that the distance and the attention of one of her classmates was too much for her. Like I said, I would have done anything for her. Including quit grad school and move if necessary. But by the time she could acknowledge to herself a problem, she already was committed to trying to make me break up with her, and that failing, breaking up with me. Under those circumstances, it really wasn't up to me, so that was that.

It's been a while now, and that past relationship no longer really defines me or my past in any significant way, though I still think of her once in a while. I don't know what lies ahead past grad school, but I'm exploring my options. I'm not with anyone, but I'm open to the possibility if a seemingly good match comes along. It's more scary when the future seems more unpredictable, but I consider myself highly fortunate to be in a position to choose even if I don't know at this time what I want to choose.
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Old 03-02-06, 10:43 AM   #5
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Hey, I'm 26 and feel that way too...

I've had editorials in the local paper..while I was a middle schooler.

I made it to the state level in cross country running

I had a regional 3rd place in taekwondo by age 10

....and now, I really have no clue what I want to do period.

It happens, I think it's just from life easing up a bit too much, and we are getting bored with it all....that and we are changing as a person, and that change can make things we used to like seem ...for lack of a better word....blah.

So just keep on truckin and you'll reach your goal.
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Old 03-02-06, 10:48 AM   #6
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WOW, thats a lot to get off your chest.
Well I have a LONG LIFE STORY myself but I'll save you time.
For me and what has gotten me thur life is ME, I believe in myself, I want to be around strong people whom are not afraid of making choices. I had the two worse parents, loss a brother when he was 19 yrs old, went thru a divorce and there we many times I felt LOST.
But I finally asked myself what I wanted out of life and started living that.
We are the keymasters to our lives, you seem strong, educated, and willing to make an effort in your life. I agree with what another one said before you will seek people out like yourself and then I think you will find true happiness and everything else will just fall into place.
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Old 03-02-06, 11:05 AM   #7
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i think your the type of person that needs an outlet. sounds like your constantly jumping from one activity to the next, or relationship, or mood, or whatever.

don't drive yourself crazy by doing this. figure out how to anchor yourself, so that you always know who you are no matter what changes happen around you. sounds like you're starting to do this already and i think it's the right way to go.
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Old 03-02-06, 11:28 AM   #8
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Teach martial arts at your dojo and learn more about the philosophy behind the martial arts. You'll learn while teaching others and educating yourself.
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Old 03-02-06, 12:03 PM   #9
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I'm still lost
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Old 03-02-06, 01:08 PM   #10
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Are you a Pisces? You sound a lot like me. Pisces can get into any situation and meld with it... only thing is they can get lost in these situations and become emotional wrecks as well.

I agree with the advice of others above. Find good friends and hang on with them for the ride.
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Old 03-02-06, 01:12 PM   #11
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:-/ Pisces here

I need to find good friends to hang onto
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Old 03-02-06, 01:13 PM   #12
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There's really no magic to life. You basically get so many days and then you return to the earth, or to heaven or wherever you think. But know that you have likely wasted a lot of those days already trying to "find yourself" blah, blah, blah...

For me personally I never really gave enough of a rat's ass about myself to do much. It wasn't until i got a wife and great kids that I figured it out. I don't wake up and wonder if i should do TaeKwando, Climb Mount Everest or make paper airplanes.

There is no time for that. I have mouths to feed, and a mortgage to pay. I'm living life, not sitting around thinking about what life is supposed to be. Go outside and watch the animals in nature. They are busy trying to survive. Birds spend all day searching for seeds, etc. Birds do not worry if they should be walking instead of flying. They are too busy.

Our convenient modern lifestyle often lends us too much time. This causes one to sit and fret about petty things. They say that one is not truly grown up until he or she makes most decisions based on what is better for others instead of better for himself. I understand that now, and realize that i spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was best for me. In the end it turns out that what is best for me is to do what is best for others.
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Old 03-02-06, 01:17 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ranger
Our convenient modern lifestyle often lends us too much time. This causes one to sit and fret about petty things. They say that one is not truly grown up until he or she makes most decisions based on what is better for others instead of better for himself. I understand that now, and realize that i spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was best for me. In the end it turns out that what is best for me is to do what is best for others.
This is very true. And as they say, an Idle hand are the work of the devil.
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Old 03-02-06, 01:19 PM   #14
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I think we've all gone through that phase in our mid-20s after getting out of school and getting our first "real" job. Most wise:

"We may be, but I believe we CHOOSE our actions, and they help define us!

Anyway, so now I come to this part about choosing what my life should be. I have all these options and opinions. I understand mine is the only one that truly counts but I do not know what I want."


I am of the opinion that we are 100% masters of our fate in life. Where we live, what kind of job we have, the relations we have with our family, the people we associate with and the kinds of relationships we have with them are all of our choosing. Some of us may make choices more automatically and subconciously than others (like buying that 105th pair of shoes), but it's still a choice.

Where I've been lost like you is when I have a gap between the results in my life and the path I have chosen. I've walked down the path of "shoulds" before and in my mid-20s, I had been racing bikes for 8 years and in the best shape of my life and was going to nationals, I was graduating with degree in microbiology, I was applying to med-schools, my part-time computer-programming job offered me a full-time position with double the salary, well beyond my expectations, I had been going out for 3-years with a blonde chic that looked a certain way, yeah, you know that look, we had moved into a cute Victorian on top of the hill with an ocean view, 2-car garage, white-picket fence, puppy-dog, she was going to law-school, we were going to get married and call ourselves the Huxtables, etc. fairly-tale come true!

We took a post-graduation, pre-engagement vacation to Morea/Tahiti/BoraBora and lived it up at Club Med. So there I was, sitting in the surf on a beach-chair with the bathtub-warm water gently lapping up my legs, having cute French chics bring me foofey drinks with umbrellas, I'm in great physical shape, got the job beyond my dreams after school, had the barbie-doll trophy soon-to-be-wife, and then it hit me halfway through a pina-colada... I WASN'T HAPPY!!!

That was a devastating blow to say the least! I had followed the path of "success" religiously my entire life, did what my parents told me I needed to do, did what my friends told me I needed to do, what society and the media said I "should" do and I've gotten all the results to show for it. But I wasn't happy and satisfied. It felt empty, like there should be more to life, that something was missing...

For the first time in my life, I realized that if I was to choose my own life, rather than one my parents , my friends, my past-relationships, the media had given to me, what would I choose? Like out of a vacuum without any outside influences, what would I choose?

The enlightenment's in the inquiry, not the answer. It's a classic koan. I suggest you approach martial-arts with a more eastern philosophy as a spiritual and life practice, rather than physical training like here in the US. Mediation and ritual are important, not for physical performance, but for clarity in mind and spirit. Kung-fu is tightly bonded with buddhism, you may want to take a look at that.

Another inspiration I have is to look at my own funeral, like I was attending it as a guest. Looking at my own casket, my own grave, my own body, from the outside amongst my friends and family. What do I want to hear them say about me? What is it that I truly want to be remembered for in life? That's what motivates me each day as well.

It's all about finding harmony and peace... on the inside... and creating it on the outside for everyone else as well.
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Old 03-02-06, 01:22 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasGuy
This is very true. And as they say, an Idle hand are the work of the devil.
I find idle hands usually wind up in my pockets.
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Old 03-02-06, 01:38 PM   #16
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"
It is quite funny to post this anonymously to persons who I shall likely unfortunately never meet. Nevertheless, it serves as the perfect medium for my current thoughts.

"

Stop talking like that. It bothers me.
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Old 03-02-06, 01:41 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DannoXYZ
Another inspiration I have is to look at my own funeral, like I was attending it as a guest. Looking at my own casket, my own grave, my own body, from the outside amongst my friends and family. What do I want to hear them say about me? What is it that I truly want to be remembered for in life? That's what motivates me each day as well.
i do this too. although a slight variation: i like to think of a future point and then backtrack. the backtracking helps me think of how i'm going to get to what i ultimately want....a balanced and interesting life. by taking a really long view of things, you can smooth out the stresses of daily life and determine what truly is important. a deadline at work pails in comparision to having a working relationship with your wife, for example. sounds obvious, but many people fail to understand.

another thing i do when i feel overwhelmed is to look up. viewing the stars and the vast void of space makes me think of how lucky i am to be able to experience this. i'm continually reminded of how unique and precious life is when i consider my point in the universe.
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Old 03-02-06, 02:05 PM   #18
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You are seeking what no man can give you.

The answer you seek is within you… but as you have alluded, the catalyst that will start the realization is hidden deep within your soul.

Some of my brothers have found it in a drum circle at Burning Man some need a formal vision quest. My nephew found it at sea on a crab boat when he was in his twenties. My son is currently searching the coastlines of the world hoping to find it in a wave.

Most people never even look for it. Some have it thrust upon them.



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Old 03-02-06, 02:27 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldWind
You are seeking what no man can give you.

The answer you seek is within you… but as you have alluded, the catalyst that will start the realization is hidden deep within your soul.

Some of my brothers have found it in a drum circle at Burning Man some need a formal vision quest. My nephew found it at sea on a crab boat when he was in his twenties. My son is currently searching the coastlines of the world hoping to find it in a wave.

Most people never even look for it. Some have it thrust upon them.



ask the Crow
Mmmmm
I saw a special on people who went crab hunting. Sounds like a fun yet hazardous job.
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Old 03-02-06, 02:34 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldWind
You are seeking what no man can give you.

The answer you seek is within you… but as you have alluded, the catalyst that will start the realization is hidden deep within your soul.

Some of my brothers have found it in a drum circle at Burning Man some need a formal vision quest. My nephew found it at sea on a crab boat when he was in his twenties. My son is currently searching the coastlines of the world hoping to find it in a wave.

Most people never even look for it. Some have it thrust upon them.



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Excuse me Bike Forum shoppers, I need a translation on post 18.
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Old 03-02-06, 02:36 PM   #21
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I thought that was pretty understandabld
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Old 03-02-06, 02:40 PM   #22
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WOW DANNO I love reading your stuff. ALL OF IT IS SO VERY TRUE!!!
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Old 03-02-06, 02:43 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DannoXYZ

I am of the opinion that we are 100% masters of our fate in life. Where we live, what kind of job we have, the relations we have with our family, the people we associate with and the kinds of relationships we have with them are all of our choosing. Some of us may make choices more automatically and subconciously than others (like buying that 105th pair of shoes), but it's still a choice.
Maybe we are masters of fate in out lives but we are still somewhat powerless when it comes to fate. Consider your statement above.

Where we live: So you can live anywhere you want? I highly doubt that. There is a lot of fate that plays a role in where we live. Job openings, house openings, hiring a certain realtor, being to late and missing the purchase of a home, etc. There are countless things that can cause us to live in a certain place. Many of them we can't control.

What kind of job we have.

Maybe you can control what kind of job you are in, but there are still elements of fate that make your job what it is.

The relations we have with our family A lot of people don't have any relations with their family, let alone having control over what type. Fate often dictates that you can have only certain relations with your family or no relations at all.

We are not 100% in control of fate, nor our lives. We can steer ourselves in a certain direction, but it is up to the wind and the tide in terms of exact route we take going somewhere.
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Old 03-02-06, 02:51 PM   #24
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Yes fate plays a part in our lives but its HOW you go about living your life that you have the key.
This is what I mean.
My mother and father both were abusive, alcoholics, never around.
Me-I turned 17 years old lived by self got a good paying job, put myself thru college, bought my first car myself, bought my house, and never once thought about abusing alcohol, drugs etc.
Fate if you say so dealt me a hard hand of life from the time I was born, but I was the one who chose how to accept that and move on in life in a POSITIVE way.
Things do happen to us that are out of our control YES, but its how we deal with those things that make it important.
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Old 03-02-06, 03:18 PM   #25
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One of the great benefits of being a guy is that you can be emotionally stunted and drink beer.

Seriously, other than your dad being a putz (which is no small thing) you are spending too much time latching onto external events and interpreting your life through them. Jobs suck, lots of relationships end up in the can, you can't control everything - that's life but that doesn't mean you have to be miserable in the face of it. Sounds to me like you need to just start enjoying stuff and not thinking about it so much. Beer and a couple of idiot buddies can get you through a lot.
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