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Old 03-22-06, 01:04 AM   #1
my58vw
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I got a call one week ago...
I am learning to hate phone calls!

I have always contended that if I could remain in my current suspended state that I would... it always seemed like a pipe dream. For intersexed pacients it is nearly impossable for us to be 100% happy with our assigned sex. For myself I was assigned a boy at birth, but rejected the assignment, in actuality I always felt in the middle, leaning more to the feminine side - i.e. female. Of course we all know that, it has been talked about here at length, with the conclusion that I have a case of GID (gender indentity disorder), and my current sex is leaning towards female.

A few months ago I heard there may be a way to keep me off testosterone but stay as a "boy", i.e. my current androgous state. In actuality, I wish society would allow us to maintain a state in which we could participate in all sex roles, yet we can not do so... (easily). Of course, this makes me think of lots of things, including again what it means to be a boy, and the whole gender continium.

A few weeks ago my mom went with me to my therapy session, or goal to talk about her thoughts in regards to my gender identity, etc. For the last few weeks talk about the reality of going completly through hormone therapy, etc have been going through my head. On the 28th of this month my name change paper work goes through, and regardless of my legal sex, it is now Mandy . We have been talking about what it means to be a boy, and how I never have to get married if I don't want, we even talked about liking guys, and my parents are actually ok with that !

I drove out to Arizona yesterday and saw the doctor and am coming back tomarrow. They are putting my on a new drug "cocktil" and we are going to see what happens. Of hopes are that I will be able to maintain bone density, and if that happens I can live in suspended animation if you would. So what does that mean... well for now at least I am staying in some state that looks male, although I will be moving towards true androgeny as time goes by... first round of plastic surgery in about 1 year. It really does not matter whether my licience says male or female, as long as I feel whole in my heart!

It has been one tough road, but now I have my eyes set on the future... and maybe like lance armstrong I will be able to come back stronger than ever... with or without testosterone... racing or not!

Of course this does not mean that in a few years I can make a more clear headed decision... we will see what my body decides to do...

Love to all,
Mandy



- Making the hardest decision of my life... finding my place inside the gender continium we now live in!
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Old 03-22-06, 01:19 AM   #2
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I cannot even begin to imagine what you have/are going through. But I know it cannot be easy.
I would like to wish you the best of luck.
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Old 03-22-06, 02:35 AM   #3
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Aw I love the name Mandy . Never met one that wasn't a nice gal. I don't know your whole story but from this I wish you the best of luck in the future. Gender roles, nature vs. nurture, etc. has always fascinated me. I was actually accepted to a school for genetic engineering and almost did that with the intent to do gender studies. I've always been massively intrigued by what physically, emotionally, and socially defines a boy vs. a girl. I hope things work out for the best for you and I think it's great you've finally been able to be who you truly are. Good luck hun!
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Old 03-22-06, 02:42 AM   #4
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I suppose you need to define yourself as 'boy' or 'girl' to fit in in this world at this time. The world ought to be big enough to include androgeny but you've only got this lifetime and I'm not asking you to be the poster child for anything. Since you're clear in your mind that you're female/feminine you seem to be on a good course. I'm glad you have your mom's support. It seems to me some of the so-called Eunuchs of the Bible are actually people like you. I think it's Paul who says that some are "eunuchs by birth". I suppose that could mean what we call gay nowadays but I'm not so sure.

If that's your face in your avatar sometimes, you're a goodlooking girl. I hope all goes well for you and as the poster before me said, it's hard to imagine what you must have gone through and are going through.
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Old 03-22-06, 03:33 AM   #5
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Oh yes, that is me in the photo on the avatar (when I have it... pizza now).

My problem is that I can not fit into the whole predefined gender role thing, I have always known that. My parents for a long time fought any contentions that I was nothing short of a boy, they kind of realize that, and as we work through this together I find that the androgeny role is more than likely the best for me, and people can make their decision. I personally can not believe I am 100% female, yet I am definitly not 100% male (more like 10 - 15%). The big issues are in how I look at myself in the mirror everyday.

BTW for those of you who do not know (which is a rarity here), I was born IS (intersexed) with Kallmann's syndrome, a rare genetic disorder (1:100,000 or so) which prevents my body from producing sex hormones and causes me to loose the lack of smell and most taste. Chromosomally I am XXY, which means I could be a boy or a girl. Most of my outer structure is "male," i.e. heigth, weight; but inside I am part female. I am also sterile if that matters, and could not have kids anyway.

The part that I find the most encouraging here is that everyone is so supportive. The decision I have to make is the hardest of my life by far, more than anything else. The problem is picking between the lesser of two evils, and appartently since my parents made the decision for me when I was 6 months old it is a hard one to change. That said, I have so much in the way of male tendencies in me that it can not be denyed, yet the female ones are very strong too... hard to quanitify really.

With everything that is this uncertain, I know that I will never go on testosterone again, and probably not on HRT replacement on its own. God made me this way, and I work in this to be who I am. Life is more important that male or female, and it has taken a long time for me to learn this little lesson. Now if society would let us wear and act how we want, but then we would have to change a whole lot.

I personally do not care so much about society anymore, and it takes someone with pioneering spirit to say these things. Of course, I would not be walking down the street in a skirt (although I wish I could sometimes), but then I don't particulary like pants either... of well that is life...

In all actuality I can not really make the decision, and who really could... and going either way would really not make a whole lot of difference!

Mandy
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Old 03-22-06, 07:53 AM   #6
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Is there not some sort of Self Help Gender Forum on the Internet for this stuff?

Seems like you open up here a lot, I am just curious if you have looked for others with this same problem?
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Old 03-22-06, 07:54 AM   #7
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I wanna be a girl.

So guys would look at me.
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Old 03-22-06, 08:00 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Walkafire
Is there not some sort of Self Help Gender Forum on the Internet for this stuff?

Seems like you open up here a lot, I am just curious if you have looked for others with this same problem?
Of course, and I am in several counciling groups and support groups also, I just thought because of other things I have said here I should bring the final conclusion here also, that is all.

I could list at least 5 groups, but then that will open trolls up to dig crap out and that is how it got here in the first place. - and this will be the last thread here on FOO so don't worry about that one...
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Old 03-22-06, 08:05 AM   #9
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I wasn't worried, just curious..... chill
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Old 03-22-06, 08:10 AM   #10
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Sorry...
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Old 03-22-06, 08:18 AM   #11
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Good luck, Mandy! I hope that everything works out in the way that's best for your happiness.
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Old 03-22-06, 08:29 AM   #12
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Mandy, I couldn't even begin to think about how you feel and what you have been going thru. With that all said GIRLS ROCK!!!! I wish you the best and I hope you continue to carry your strength like you have now.

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Old 03-22-06, 09:33 AM   #13
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I cannot even begin to imagine what you have/are going through. But I know it cannot be easy.
I would like to wish you the best of luck.
+1
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Old 03-22-06, 10:25 AM   #14
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David Bowie was very successful being androgenous back in the 70's. Being a rock star has its privileges.

The only way to be truly happy is to be yourself. If that means being a boy, a girl, or somewhere in between; you have to be true to yourself. And from what you post it seems you're doing just fine; glad to hear your parents are coming around to accepting things. That has to be a big relief to you.
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Old 03-22-06, 11:21 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by my58vw

My problem is that I can not fit into the whole predefined gender role thing, I have always known that. My parents for a long time fought any contentions that I was nothing short of a boy, they kind of realize that, and as we work through this together I find that the androgeny role is more than likely the best for me, and people can make their decision. I personally can not believe I am 100% female, yet I am definitly not 100% male (more like 10 - 15%). The big issues are in how I look at myself in the mirror everyday.
Is anyone 100% one way or another? I've often thought--with absolutely no support for this theory other than my own musing, mind you--that we are all somewhere in between. Some, like you, are just more in between than others. It's a difference of degrees, not essential nature.

At any rate, let me be one of the first to wish you "Happy Birthday" (or "REbirthday," as you call it). My wish for you is simple contentment with who you are, whoever that may turn out to be. Figuring that out is a journey. Enjoy the ride.
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Old 03-22-06, 01:19 PM   #16
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I couldn't imagine what you're going through, but best of luck in your search for your identity. And send me some coupons for free pizza. You back on the bike yet?
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Old 03-22-06, 01:28 PM   #17
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Good luck Mandy.

I know you'll keep us posted on how things are going.
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Old 03-23-06, 08:48 AM   #18
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I'll wish you good luck, but I don't think you really need it. Sounds like you're working through things pretty well now.

By the way, was that your hair in your last avatar pic or are you still wearing a wig/hairpiece/whatever the politically-correct term is? I liked it, whichever it is.
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Old 03-23-06, 08:55 AM   #19
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I'll wish you good luck, but I don't think you really need it. Sounds like you're working through things pretty well now.

By the way, was that your hair in your last avatar pic or are you still wearing a wig/hairpiece/whatever the politically-correct term is? I liked it, whichever it is.
I agree. The tofee highlights are excellent.
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Old 03-23-06, 09:12 AM   #20
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Good luck and happy rebirthday

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Old 03-24-06, 03:12 PM   #21
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happy rebirthday!, that is, if I miss out on getting on the pc in the week
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Old 03-24-06, 04:06 PM   #22
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"ewitzer"

Could you be a little more creative, next time, troll!

- Another to add to my ignore list!

AND it is MANDY you dip wad, screw hole, insensitive, nerf hearder!
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Old 03-24-06, 04:07 PM   #23
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"ewitzer"

Could you be a little more creative, next time, troll!

- Another to add to my ignore list!

AND it is MANDY you dip wad, screw hole, insensitive, nerf hearder!
Don't pay attention to him. He is a troll indeed, and has been disposed of.
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