I got a call one week ago...
I am learning to hate phone calls!
I have always contended that if I could remain in my current suspended state that I would... it always seemed like a pipe dream. For intersexed pacients it is nearly impossable for us to be 100% happy with our assigned sex. For myself I was assigned a boy at birth, but rejected the assignment, in actuality I always felt in the middle, leaning more to the feminine side - i.e. female. Of course we all know that, it has been talked about here at length, with the conclusion that I have a case of GID (gender indentity disorder), and my current sex is leaning towards female.
A few months ago I heard there may be a way to keep me off testosterone but stay as a "boy", i.e. my current androgous state. In actuality, I wish society would allow us to maintain a state in which we could participate in all sex roles, yet we can not do so... (easily). Of course, this makes me think of lots of things, including again what it means to be a boy, and the whole gender continium.
A few weeks ago my mom went with me to my therapy session, or goal to talk about her thoughts in regards to my gender identity, etc. For the last few weeks talk about the reality of going completly through hormone therapy, etc have been going through my head. On the 28th of this month my name change paper work goes through, and regardless of my legal sex, it is now Mandy . We have been talking about what it means to be a boy, and how I never have to get married if I don't want, we even talked about liking guys, and my parents are actually ok with that !
I drove out to Arizona yesterday and saw the doctor and am coming back tomarrow. They are putting my on a new drug "cocktil" and we are going to see what happens. Of hopes are that I will be able to maintain bone density, and if that happens I can live in suspended animation if you would. So what does that mean... well for now at least I am staying in some state that looks male, although I will be moving towards true androgeny as time goes by... first round of plastic surgery in about 1 year. It really does not matter whether my licience says male or female, as long as I feel whole in my heart!
It has been one tough road, but now I have my eyes set on the future... and maybe like lance armstrong I will be able to come back stronger than ever... with or without testosterone... racing or not!
Of course this does not mean that in a few years I can make a more clear headed decision... we will see what my body decides to do...
Love to all,
- Making the hardest decision of my life... finding my place inside the gender continium we now live in!