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Old 03-29-06, 01:11 AM   #1
CPcyclist
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what to do now??

After 14years of being with my wife things look dark. With our nine year marriage falling apart. I am starting to wake up and realize to late the there has been a monster on my back for several years. My only concern is for our 3 boys (9,5,and 2) and how thing will be affecting them down the line.

Any mild depression that I have had in the past feels like it has come crashing down on me tonight as I sat for more then an hour wanting to end everything with a chunk of glass to my wrist even while my wife was in the room reassuring me that thing would be OK.

I am seeing how work and money can destroy every thing one loves with out one knowing that it has happened.

I think tomorrow will be the day that I call in to work, go for a ride, then try to find help for my depression on an inpatient basis as I still feel like ending thing would be better...no easier for me. I am realizing that I have been in the fog far to long and it is to late to come back to the light by myself.

What will become of my life?
I have depended far to much on out side influences to determine my personal happiness. Work, Family, Friends and have never really taken time for me, myself and I. I don't really know who I am any more as work became my identity

Why must we always have to hit rock bottom in order to see the light again?


I hope tomorrow will be a brighter day.


Thanks for listening tonight.
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Old 03-29-06, 01:17 AM   #2
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"Monster on my back">>
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Old 03-29-06, 01:27 AM   #3
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.... you're really helping
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Old 03-29-06, 06:20 AM   #4
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have you considered treating yourself through homeopathy? It wont have any sexual side effects like every other anti depressant on the market.
My grandmother was clinically depressed when her daughter died from breast cancer, using homeopathic remedies, it was cured. A trip to a homeopath is extremely different than any conventional doctor, he/she will ask MANY questions about you. It will be a lot more than "Do you experiene this, this or that, if you can check 3, you get this drug". You might enjoy having a person to talk to also...
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Old 03-29-06, 07:58 AM   #5
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I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do, CPCycle. There are ways to help ease depression and cycling is on the list for sure.
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Old 03-29-06, 10:48 AM   #6
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Go for a ride and take it easy.
Take everything you have and lay it all out, attack it 1 problem at a time (and by that I don't mean physically attacking the wife). The situation always looks worse when you lump everything together at once.
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Old 03-29-06, 11:09 AM   #7
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Slvoid's right.

Plus try to look at this as an opportunity to find out who you are. It's a new chapter to your life, think as positively about it as you can.
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Old 03-29-06, 11:17 AM   #8
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CP, You say twice that it's too late. It's never too late. I once had a job that controlled my life plus a wife I had come to not like very much. I went through months of depression. Not sleeping or eating, dricking way too much and bawling my eyes out whenever no one was around. Finally I spent an afternoon one day sitting on the floor beside my bed with my .38 Smith & Wesson, debating why I should go on. Obviously I decided to go on. After one last try to save the marraige I left the wife, quit the job and found one that pays half as much but that I love doing. I learned that the job and the money and the stuff isn't what it's all about. I also am now married to thr greastest woman ever made. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Bright, beautiful light. Look for yours.

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Old 03-29-06, 11:34 AM   #9
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CPCyclist.... as SoonerBent mentioned... it's never too late.

You'll find a lot of sympathetic ears who have been through similar (though not exactly the same) situations. Verbalizing it (or in this case, writing it) is the right place to start.
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Old 03-29-06, 11:36 AM   #10
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Go for that ride. Get the help you need. Nothing is lost. I have a feeling that your family will hang in there with you if you're willing to make the effort for yourself and for them. Take care, and good luck.
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Old 03-29-06, 11:46 AM   #11
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Just ask yourself what you want and what will make you happy. Forget about everyone as selfish as that sounds right now. If your not happy you certainly can't make others happy. Often in our busy lives we forget about the one person who is the most important ME!!!
I had to end a 5 year relationship cause I wasn't happy and I gave up alot whom I was for this other person. I realized it and now I can say I am happy and doing what I want to do.
Go ride your bike and make peace with yourself.
Good luck in your journey.

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Old 03-29-06, 11:57 AM   #12
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Sorry to hear that things aren't going well, Jason. Maybe take some time to take care of yourself first and foremost, and give yourself some time to decide what you really want. Doesn't have to be a long-term picture. Just the next step for your life will do.

I don't think there's much I can do directly to help, being 2000 miles away and all, but if there is, do let me know. Good luck, and take care of yourself.


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Old 03-29-06, 12:33 PM   #13
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This may sound a little strange, but ask your wife if she will go to marriage counseling with you. Even if you still split up, you both can get some things put into perspective and pack away the old baggage. It will make your post-marriage life easier. After all, you've got three kids together. It's not like you can completely avoid each other.

My wife and I did this, some nine years ago. We were on the brink of divorce, had hired lawyers and set a court date. My lawyer made this same suggestion to me. After trying two other marriage counselors, we finally agreed on the third one. We had one session each week, alone with the counselor and one each week, together. Amazingly, we actually saved our marriage and relationship. It was not easy, by any means, (we barely spoke for nearly six months), but we pulled through.

Whatever you do, don't give up on yourself. The several weeks after we hired lawyers were the darkest and most depressing time of my life. I didn't know if things would ever feel right, again.

You can get through this. Take care of yourself first. The survival of your marriage needs to be secondary.

Good luck and hang in there.
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Old 03-29-06, 04:17 PM   #14
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CP, get some help. Follow through on it. It can work. I know because I've been in your shoes. One thing you may learn is that it's not as bleak as it looks. Depression is a black hole, and it darkens everything in your life. It doesn't necessarily mean medication, but it can. Stay open to possibilities and listen to your doctors. I really hope you'll keep us updated.
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Old 03-29-06, 04:22 PM   #15
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I think what happens is people take things too seriously sometimes and that just leads to a downward spiral because as the situation gets desperate, people get more serious and desperate.
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Old 03-29-06, 07:13 PM   #16
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Sometimes you have to make yourself first to make sure that everyone arounds you is taken care of and happy. This is the time.. your time.. I know you are worried about your childrens happiness if you do go your own seperate ways but remember that seing your parents together unhappy your whole life is not better then seing them separated but finally happy.
Your story really touched me, hang in there. Big hug.
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Old 03-29-06, 11:45 PM   #17
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I dunno, I let my emotions out everyonce in a while. Call me girly but it keeps me from walking into the office with a .44 and wiping out engineering.
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Old 03-29-06, 11:47 PM   #18
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weird how some people think there has to be some sort of axis between themselves & others...tisk,tisk.
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Old 03-29-06, 11:51 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by slvoid
I dunno, I let my emotions out everyonce in a while. Call me girly but it keeps me from walking into the office with a .44 and wiping out engineering.
Yes,Kill them all & send them an early start packin' straight to hell
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Old 03-29-06, 11:55 PM   #20
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Just remember that YOUR time on earth is ALL of your time.
thats it & you don't get no more & what you do have is YOURS to do with what you want.
We all end up the same in the end, feeding the bugs.
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Old 03-30-06, 12:05 AM   #21
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Thanks for all the positive words.

As of now I go see someone tomorrow. My ride (40miles IMmoo loop) today felt good while out but it felt like the walls start to come back in after getting off the bike.

I have e-mail my boss who's phone calls I avoided today. I let him know that I need more time for me as in the rest of the week. A lot of work pressure as of late has been do to putting out to many grant so the lab survives, working out Power Point presentation/animations so the boss can go to meeting, and trying to get data for the next grant ( spent last weekend running to an from the lab every 8hrs to collect sample, Friday I was to collect samples for 20 animals in conjunction with as class on campus but now it looks like the boss will need to do it).

I know I should enjoy my work (always said if you don't enjoy what you are doing you are doing the wrong thing) but wasn't able to see what it was really doing to me. I am also going to call the HR person for information on taking and extended medical leave...hell I have several weeks of vacation and something like a month or two of sick leave I can use. (why do I have so much time? I know I never take time for me.)

I am seeing how blind I have been to my situation and how little I have looked after myself both physically and emotionally. Why as guys do we feel the need to internalize all our emotions and take so much longer to realize we need help?


Sorry it looked like there was a double post so I deleted what I thought was one.
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Old 03-30-06, 12:18 AM   #22
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Like the famous Henry Rollins once stated " This is your time, your time is now, itt's time to shine , it's hero time!!
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Old 03-30-06, 12:53 AM   #23
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It sounds like you need to use some of that vacation or sick time and go for a biking vacation to help feed your soul and get a fresh perspective on life. Hang in there my friend.....strong hug.

"Most People don't know how brave they really are. In fact, many potenial heroes both men and women live out their lives in self-doubt. If they only knew they had these deep resouces, it would help give them the self-reliance to meet most problems, even a big crisis."

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Old 03-30-06, 12:59 AM   #24
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I am seriously thinking about taking vacation to go down for the Tour De Georgia in a few weeks. Even if it mean I sleep in my car.
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Old 03-30-06, 01:13 AM   #25
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It sounds like a vacation will do you good, just remember to take the bike
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