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Old 08-04-06, 10:39 AM   #1
snowy
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A friend who is getting married who shouldn't

A childhood friend of my boyfriend is getting married in a month and we are not for it at all. The sucky part is that my boyfriend is the BESTMAN. Last week we got a call from the Groom saying the wedding is off, we have been talking to him all week. Giving our opinions etc. Well today the wedding is back on!!

Here is the situation. He met this girl Nov-Dec last year, he moves her into his HOUSE with her two boys from a previous marriage in January. I met her once briefly and it wasn't enough time to really say what kind of person she is.

We boyfriend and I are in Florida for vacation in June and friend calls to tell us that he is engaged. SHE ASKED HIM and that the wedding will be in September.

Now both boyfriend and I think she wants a sugar daddy. He owes his own business etc.

We both told him that he needs to REALLY think about what he wants. I will say he wants to be a husband, daddy etc, but we think this marriage is DOOM from the start. Now my boyfriend has expressed his feelings with much respect to the friend, the friend wants to proceed with the marriage.

I met the girl and I thought I was bossy she blows me out of the water.

So, here we are a month from the wedding and both bf and I have reservations about the marriage. I do wish them well but YIKES there are kids involved now.

Why do people have to rush the marriage thing??

How do you feel on this kind of subject??
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Old 08-04-06, 10:48 AM   #2
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Ugh.... what a bind. It's so hard to tell a friend that they are making a massive error in their lives.

Would your friend be open to the idea of a pre-nup? Protect his business, home, other assets at the very least.


Heaven help him if they have kids together and then break up. Actually.... heaven help the kids....

Is your BF willing to risk the friendship to give the groom some straightforward opinions on the matter?
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Old 08-04-06, 10:52 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CyLowe97
Ugh.... what a bind. It's so hard to tell a friend that they are making a massive error in their lives.

Would your friend be open to the idea of a pre-nup? Protect his business, home, other assets at the very least.


Heaven help him if they have kids together and then break up. Actually.... heaven help the kids....

Is your BF willing to risk the friendship to give the groom some straightforward opinions on the matter?
+1. It's time for a reality check smackdown, Dr. Phil style. Take your friend out to lunch and lay it on him - honestly but with compassion. If this girl is as bad as you say, your BF won't have much of a friend after they're married anyway.
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Old 08-04-06, 10:53 AM   #4
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Actually we already told him not to combine finances with eachother. BF has been VERY honest on his thoughts, even the mother of the Groom doesn't seem to care for the girl too much and she told him that.

So yes, it a sticky situation. I was invited to the Bachelorette Party, but thank God I have a mountain bike clinic that weekend to attend.
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Old 08-04-06, 10:54 AM   #5
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They're the only people who know the true depth of their relationship and getting too involved in objecting will only push a wedge between old friends that may never be shifted. I'm not saying not to say anything - just that you might, and I know you know this, want to be careful about how you say it. Good luck.
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Old 08-04-06, 10:55 AM   #6
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don't get too involved in this. sounds like your boyfriend already had a talk with him and what was said was said. your boyfriend has more of a right to advise him than you do. sorry to say, but i think you should respectfully step aside on this one. let your boyfriend do what he thinks is necessary (and it sounds like he already did).

sucks that there are kids involved. that's probably why she wants to rush to marriage.
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Old 08-04-06, 11:00 AM   #7
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Her idea?

Bad, bad bad mojo. If you've expressed your reservations, then there really isn't anything left except to support his choice (though it doesn't sound like it was). I have a good friend who knows quite clearly how I feel about his girlfriend, but he's still my friend and As Long As They're Happy....
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Old 08-04-06, 11:00 AM   #8
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Pre-nup - pre-nup!! We want pre-nup!

My dad's coworker and carpool buddy got married to what he thought was a great lady... She ended up emptying his savings within months, ruining his credit, and now that they're divorced, he pays her alimony. Not saying all woman are like this, just as many men, but they're out there... to suck you dry.
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Old 08-04-06, 11:01 AM   #9
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It's too bad, but sometimes you have to let people just make their own stupid mistakes.
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Old 08-04-06, 11:02 AM   #10
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Not much you can do. You've given him your feelings already. As much as you care for him, he's a big boy and needs to be the one to make the decision. If he makes the wrong decision, he needs to be the one to deal with the consequences.

My own father got remarried this year....I have a feeling its a similar siutation, but I couldn't do anything about it.
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Old 08-04-06, 11:03 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Cromulent
If this girl is as bad as you say, your BF won't have much of a friend after they're married anyway.
Good point!
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Old 08-04-06, 11:05 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by superdex
If you've expressed your reservations, then there really isn't anything left except to support his choice (though it doesn't sound like it was).
Yep. You've done what you can do. Now it's time to support your friend. It's going to be hard enough for them if his mother doesn't like her. And who knows, they may have a great life together. Here's hoping.
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Old 08-04-06, 11:06 AM   #13
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Yep, I have said my words to bf and thats it. I'm staying out of it cause for one I don't know either one really well.
All I can do is wish the best for them.

Its just hard to sit by and watch it.
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Old 08-04-06, 11:08 AM   #14
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Here is a question how long would you wait to ask the girl you want to marry you??

How long for courtship and such??

Do you think it matters?
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Old 08-04-06, 11:09 AM   #15
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You can't presume to know the details of their relationship, so it's not fair for you to jump to these conclusions. Perhaps she's struggling to raise her children on her own... is it so horrible for her to want what's best for them? I doubt your BF's friend would marry someone he doesn't love and care about; whether you two think she's right for him or not is irrelevant as it's his life to do with what he pleases.
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Old 08-04-06, 11:09 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Shadiyah
It's too bad, but sometimes you have to let people just make their own stupid mistakes.
+ 100000000
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Old 08-04-06, 11:10 AM   #17
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Quote:
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Here is a question how long would you wait to ask the girl you want to marry you??

How long for courtship and such??

Do you think it matters?
personally, i need at least a few more years. we've already been together for 2 years and it's just not enough time. i'm thinking around 5 years or so.

i'd like to wait until her grandparents die first (long story...don't ask). she thinks this is best too.
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Old 08-04-06, 11:15 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowy
Here is a question how long would you wait to ask the girl you want to marry you??

How long for courtship and such??

Do you think it matters?
My wife and I had been going out just about a year when I asked her to marry me. We were engaged for another year before we got married. Some people need more time. Some people need two weeks and a road trip to Vegas. It's entirely up to the couple.
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Old 08-04-06, 11:18 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowy
Here is a question how long would you wait to ask the girl you want to marry you??

How long for courtship and such??

Do you think it matters?
Spongedad advocates the 2 yr rule. People can fake their way through the first set of holidays; by the second, you're seeing their true colors. Breaking up even for an hour resets the 2 yr clock.
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Old 08-04-06, 11:20 AM   #20
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Spongedad advocates the 2 yr rule. People can fake their way through the first set of holidays; by the second, you're seeing their true colors. Breaking up even for an hour resets the 2 yr clock.
HEE HEE this is funny the breaking up part and resetting the clock.
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Old 08-04-06, 11:23 AM   #21
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I would offer 2 suggestions:

1. Advise the pre-nup, though there's not a thing you can do to actually make this happen.

2. Something you can do... if your BF feels this strongly about the situation he should not stand up for his friend as best man. Yes, that will probably hurt the friendship, but as has been noted, after this marriage there might not be much of one left anyway. As best man, your BF is standing up to honor, celebrate, witness and SUPPORT this marriage. If he feels as strongly as you indicate, it's time to take a deep breath and really think about whether he wants to stand up for this guy and this marriage.
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Old 08-04-06, 11:23 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowy
Here is a question how long would you wait to ask the girl you want to marry you??

How long for courtship and such??

Do you think it matters?
If I'm literally waiting for her to ask me to get married, then my head's REALLY screwed up. There is still something to be said for the guy to ask the woman.

As far as length of courtship? I've been in three 3+ yr relationships, none of which got to engagement much less marriage. I know for me I need at least that long to know. I have a feeling my next serious relationship will be The One, simply because I know now exactly what I'm looking for. Some people find it sonner. Go figure...
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Old 08-04-06, 11:29 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SpongeDad
Spongedad advocates the 2 yr rule. People can fake their way through the first set of holidays; by the second, you're seeing their true colors. Breaking up even for an hour resets the 2 yr clock.
That's brilliant. Looking back, I can see that it's wise, as well. I'll keep that one in mind when my girls grow up and bring home a date...
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Old 08-04-06, 11:33 AM   #24
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These people are presumably adults, what with 2 kids from a previous marriage and owning one's own business.

So, butt out, is my opinion. It's their life, if they want to mess it up, they will.

If your boyfriend has a problem with being the best man, he should explain to his pal that he cannot accept being best man.

You can't control what other people do. You can only control your reaction to them, and your own actions.
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Old 08-04-06, 11:40 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SpongeDad
Spongedad advocates the 2 yr rule. People can fake their way through the first set of holidays; by the second, you're seeing their true colors. Breaking up even for an hour resets the 2 yr clock.

Beauty.

I also like to reserve the Significant Event Corollary: For a relationship to really show true colors, there must be a Significant Event. An auto accident, surgery, a particularly hellish Holiday season, a job change. Each of these items qualify. If you and yours go through more than one in the same year and remain together, you're ready.
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