Advertise on Bikeforums.net



User Tag List

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 56
  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    4,926
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    make me feel better:(

    Im upset.
    I was driving my daughter and her bf to the mall and i was listening to thier conversations. make a story short, after 6 months of being with her, his answers didnt impress me when he was talking to her. She was very nice and loving and he just didnt seem to care, which is not true, he does care have shown it plenty, but at this moment in time, he just wasnt treating her like i thought he should. didnt bother her, but it bothered me, so I spoke up... huge mistake. I wanted him to know that it is not acceptable, but maybe it wasnt for me to speak up. It caused me and him to argue in that car about something that she should of been upset about, she was but had opted for not saying anything, so i just basically had an argument about my values to HER bf!
    I wanted him to treat her right she 's my baby and i knew her feelings were hurt but she wouldnt say and I made things 100 times worst. She ended up telling me it was MY fault that everyone was now fighting, and she's right... it was
    have I become my mother? thought I was a cool mom.. I had no right to go into her business.

  2. #2
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Just NW of Richardson Bike Mart
    My Bikes
    '05 Trek 1200 / '90 Trek 8000 / '? Falcon Europa
    Posts
    6,082
    Mentioned
    11 Post(s)
    Tagged
    3 Thread(s)
    Sometimes you just have to speak up and let people know how you feel. Maybe your actions now will help avert an even more unforunate event later. If the two really care for each other, which they apparently do, they will work it out. At least now, he knows how you feel on the respect issue. Sometimes being a parent means that you can't be cool and go with the flow. Our children use their parents as moral compasses. You helped steer both of them in the right direction I hope.
    Are you a registered member? Why not? Click here to register. It's free and only takes 27 seconds! Help out the forums, abide by our community guidelines.
    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  3. #3
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    South City, Ca
    Posts
    3,348
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    This is one of those private things, where you wait for the bf to not be around to let your daughter know your opinion. Bad move, but with the best intentions. Tell her your sorry, and forget about. We only live once, getting caught up in the stupid things is just useless.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    4,926
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    It was a mistake, I see that now. She doesnt speak up for herself so I tend to do that for her, I fight her battles, instead of giving her the weapons the fight it herself. I will forget about it but right now Im upset, it's like I jerperdised her relationship, I desappointed her, all of this cause I wanted to stand up for her.

  5. #5
    riding once again jschen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    San Diego, CA
    My Bikes
    '06 Cervelo R3, '05 Specialized Allez
    Posts
    7,360
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    I'm sorry things didn't go well. But you did what you believed to be best at the time. That's all you really can do. And if he wasn't treating her right (even if he normally does treat her right), then I fully support your decision to speak up. Even if it causes some uncomfortable situations.
    If you notice this notice then you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.

  6. #6
    KombuchaCHIC Shadiyah's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    SLC,UT
    My Bikes
    Santa Cruz Juliana, 2005 Bianchi Pista
    Posts
    496
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Awwww, everyone makes mistakes! It may not even end up being a mistake. I think it is sweet to stand up for people you love and care about. Maybe your daughter did feel bad about how her bf was treating her, and maybe she'll look back on this someday and see how lucky she is to have such a great mom who cares about her so much. You are a wonderful mother, there is certainly no perfect set of rules for parenting that apply to everyone. It sounds like you do a lot for your children and let them have a lot of individual choices as well. You could always try to make up with her bf and set things straight, and it will probably all blow over. (HUGS)

  7. #7
    Seņor Member USAZorro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Carlisle, PA
    My Bikes
    1954 Hetchins M.O., 1959 Viking Severn Valley, 1970 Raleigh Pro, 1972 Fuji "The Finest", 1974 Raleigh Superbe&Comp, 1976 Raleigh Team Pro, 1994 Trek 830 MTB, 2000 Bob Jackson Arrowhead, Unicycle
    Posts
    13,034
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Hopefully they're not that serious (in their relationship). I think you made a boo-boo, acknowledge you went a bit overboard, give it a couple days and maybe treat them to a little lunch or a movie, and it ought to pass by.

    Unless I think they're headed for danger, I try to let my children learn from their own mistakes - or from each others' I think they learn the lesson better when it happens that way. Listen to them, and maybe subtly plant the seeds that will help them to realize what you see is lacking (maybe ask your daughter "What did your bf say about your new hairstyle?" or whatever), and let their wheels finish doing the turning.

    That said, I still do butt heads on occasion with my two. I try not to pile on, and we seem to get past the rough spots ok.

    Hang in there BDG. You need to keep your happy face on for the big weekend.
    The search for inner peace continues...

  8. #8
    The Other White Meat BroMax's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Reno
    My Bikes
    Raleigh Sports 3 speed, Torker T-530
    Posts
    605
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Maybe after this cools down, you could have a conversation with her about being a peacekeeper. At what cost to oneself is one willing to keep the peace? At what point is it a false peace, where there is overt antagonism and hidden hurt and resentment?

    It wasn't uncool to tell the guy to cut the crap. It obviously bothered you, so you could have addressed it as an issue between you two without reference to your daughter. You might also do so in the future. I call it modelling good personal boundaries.
    Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.

    -Martin Luther King, Jr.

  9. #9
    Up on the Down Side CyLowe97's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Chicago(ish)
    My Bikes
    '05 Felt F65, '97 GT Karakoram
    Posts
    6,325
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    +1 on Zorro's comments about danger v. useful mistakes.

    I think you chalk this one up as an oops moment. Remember, she's only 16 and probably going to have other boyfriends in the future. You'll have a better feeling on how to handle the same sitution, should it arise in the future.

    Geez.... my girls are 22 months and 3 months old. I think I'll let my wife handle all that teenage stuff when it rolls around....

  10. #10
    Senior Member BigSean's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Nor-Cal Bay Area
    Posts
    5,088
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    You sound like my wife. You already know you just need to give her the tools to deal with it herself. I also believe one should never comprimise her values just to make somebody else happy. We as parents are learning on the fly, just like our kids are. Its hard to keep out of there business, of course when I was living at home, my parents always told me everything is ther business until Im living on my own. Oh well, give yerself a break, your only guilty of caring about your daughter.

    Sean

  11. #11
    SERENITY NOW!!! jyossarian's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    In the 212
    My Bikes
    Haro Vector, IRO Rob Roy, Bianchi Veloce
    Posts
    8,757
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    I thought parents were supposed to be up in their kids business? You may have gone about it wrong, but even that's debatable. Maybe you both learned a lesson. You let her handle her personal business (to a point, let's be reasonable, she's still a minor) and she sees that she should stand up for herself and not let people walk all over her.
    HHCMF - Take pride in your ability to amaze lesser mortals! - MikeR



    We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!

  12. #12
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    4,926
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by BroMax
    Maybe after this cools down, you could have a conversation with her about being a peacekeeper. At what cost to oneself is one willing to keep the peace? At what point is it a false peace, where there is overt antagonism and hidden hurt and resentment?

    It wasn't uncool to tell the guy to cut the crap. It obviously bothered you, so you could have addressed it as an issue between you two without reference to your daughter. You might also do so in the future. I call it modelling good personal boundaries.
    thanks for the kind words you guys, you are helping me see another side, but you bromax mention something i am worried about, the cost on herself for always trying to keep the peace and not wanting to make him upset, that bothers me a great deal that he is always first before her. and I did just do what you said, i did tell him dont take your anger out on her if I made you upset, keep it with me because this is between you and me..

  13. #13
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    South City, Ca
    Posts
    3,348
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Any details on specifically what her bf was doing to be disrespectful?

  14. #14
    Senior Member BigSean's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Nor-Cal Bay Area
    Posts
    5,088
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    remember, being a parent is not a popularity contest, its about raising are kids to be the best they can be, and preparing them for the adulthood.

  15. #15
    Senior Member DannoXYZ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Saratoga, CA
    Posts
    11,495
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    I'd say talk to you daughter first. Tell her your concerns and ask her what she wants out of the relationship. Values and dating scenarios changes with time. In my mum's youth, for a boy to show up without neat hair and pressed suit was a stoning offence. On dates, the boy would always drive and there would be a chaperone. When I started dating, she was highly concerned that I would leave for dates with messy hair or that I would ride my bike over to the girl's house. I think we have to accept what is the social norm that's appropriate for the kids involved.

    So separate the means from the ends. First define the end-results you want: Is the BF giving her what she wants? Is your daughter happy? If so, everything's fine and you might want to let things slide.

    If however, your daughter's not happy in the relationship and want different results, ask her what would make her happy. Help her fine ways of expressing that desire to the BF and help her follow through with asking for what she wants.* Then it's up to him to come up with the means to deliver.

    It's like results-oriented management. Don't micro-manage the path there, just delegate the task, define the results you want and let them find the best way there.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    * This is most likely not the last BF your daughter will have in her life. You will not always be around every situation your daughter faces in life. IMHO, I think it's best to teach and guide her in ways to getting results for herself. If I can't trust my kids to make prudent choices on their own, then I haven't lived up to my responsibility in teaching them manners, values and ethics. You're doing a great job and your concern shows it.
    Last edited by DannoXYZ; 09-01-06 at 03:22 PM.

  16. #16
    J E R S E Y S B E S T Jerseysbest's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    DC
    Posts
    1,852
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Any guy that argues with his girlfriend's mother while he's being driven by her, unless there's some history there, isn't worth it...
    Quote Originally Posted by SingingSabre View Post
    Cheating: a symptom of the problem.

  17. #17
    ambassador of good will *new*guy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    NOVA
    My Bikes
    many.
    Posts
    2,020
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    I didn't read all of the responses, so I apologize if this has already been posted.

    If the boy was really out of line with something he said, then you did the right thing. Were you involved in their conversation at that point, or were you eavesdropping? I fear the day I turn into my child's enemy, no longer his best friend.

  18. #18
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    4,926
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by Jerseysbest
    Any guy that argues with his girlfriend's mother while he's being driven by her, unless there's some history there, isn't worth it...
    I agree... I did mention this to him, I was very upset and told him he was being very disrespectful for arguing with me, and he got defensive about it all while continuing to argue. I was beside myself at this point,
    he calmed down a while later and said he was sorry but however this kind of change how I view him now.He is a good kid but he comes from a very tough back ground where everyone around him have giving up on life and on taking care of him ( they cant take care of themselves) Im one of the few that was good to him, I think that's why this hit him so hard, I was saying I was desappointed in him for how he was treating my kid, but just the fact that i was desappointed in him might have hit him hard since i am one of the few he felt was being supportive of him... this is complicated, I mean Im a good parent to him but my daughter comes first!

  19. #19
    Senior Member DannoXYZ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Saratoga, CA
    Posts
    11,495
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    You're not his parent... There's nothing you can or should do to change him.. if he doesn't meet your standards, you have to cut him off at some point. But that may turn your daughter against you as well... tough situation...


    ... I think there was a parable about the scorpion and the frog somewhere... I gotta go look this up...

  20. #20
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    4,926
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by *new*guy
    I didn't read all of the responses, so I apologize if this has already been posted.

    If the boy was really out of line with something he said, then you did the right thing. Were you involved in their conversation at that point, or were you eavesdropping? I fear the day I turn into my child's enemy, no longer his best friend.
    I agree but i cant always be her best friend I also have to be the parent! but yeah, my heart is aching right now that she viewed me like the ennemie

  21. #21
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    4,926
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    I need a hug!!!!

  22. #22
    riding once again jschen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    San Diego, CA
    My Bikes
    '06 Cervelo R3, '05 Specialized Allez
    Posts
    7,360
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Poor Karen. <HUG>
    If you notice this notice then you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.

  23. #23
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    South City, Ca
    Posts
    3,348
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by blonduathlongrl
    I need a hug!!!!
    I will sweep you off your feet with my bulging muscles, hugging you for as long as you like

  24. #24
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    4,926
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

  25. #25
    KombuchaCHIC Shadiyah's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    SLC,UT
    My Bikes
    Santa Cruz Juliana, 2005 Bianchi Pista
    Posts
    496
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    (hugs)

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •