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phantomcow2 10-09-06 06:29 PM

How will I do this? *Karma awarded for good suggestions*
 
Well, I was half way broken up with just now. My girlfriend of 2.5 years, who I actually believe I loved, and loves me, has somewhat ended our relationship. She is unhappy with me now, because she says I am insensitive. And, often hurtful. Well, I never thought of myself that way. We are different people, very differnet. I always liked how we covered each others strengths/weakness's though. Nevertheless, she tells me she still loves me. She says that if I can fix my insensitiveness, lack of communication ability, we can be together again. Right now, I guess you could call it a separation.
So on Feb 17 (which would have been the 3 year mark), we will congregate. If we both still want to be together, and she feels I have indeed improved, she says we can be together again.

It's not necessarily what I THINK that hurts her. But, it is how I convey. She seems to interprete what I say in the most awful way sometimes, I must be pretty bad at communicating my feelings. She says that she will work on not interpreting things in such a horrid way, but right now she is miserable. I know, and she admits, that if she just knew what/how I was thinking, it would be okay.

With former people I have dated, I don't think I would have bothered. But, I am certainly going to bother this time. Going to make some attempts to be more sensitive, or at least, be more sensitive when I speak. But I just can't help but think it is a good amount her too. When I give my opinion about something, such as her family situations, she takes it as "This is what you must do" and argues about it, usually ending up with her crying. I try to stress that this is only my OPINION. Take what you want, chuck the rest.

Ugh...
Given that I am not a guy who falls for your typical highschool chick, I have a very difficult time believing that that would start in the interim. Ugh...

Any comments or suggestions to make this less of a sticky wicket?

TexasGuy 10-09-06 06:36 PM

chuck the girl
I'm sorry but that is a major issue just waiting to explode into something much bigger if you were able to somhow get past that and get married. Step back and analyze it as if it was somebody else's relationship and see. Do you really want to be with somebody who is not capable of taking advice for what it is and instead always sees it as a mandate that has to be carried out and then hates you for it?

You can always work on your delivery - as I'm sure alot of the stuff you do may be similar to stuff I'd do in a relationship - but in my honest opinion the 2 things are a disaster waiting to happen down the road.
I don't think marriages / relationships that are based on compromising one's core principles while the other person still would mis-interpret them is going to be successful or happy in the long run.

efrobert 10-09-06 06:47 PM

You are WAY too young to have a serious 3 year girlfriend. There are so many girls out there. You'll find one who is better for you. It sounds like you two both have to make major changes to be happy together. Do you really want to change? or would you rather find a girl who likes you the way you are.

jiiiim 10-09-06 06:48 PM

why is she being so fed up with you after 2.5yrs? i think it's partially her fault too for not straightening this flaw earlier.

all i can say is... a good lasting relationship is to compromise and never sleep angry. talk everything out and make sure you guys pay attention and let each other finish what they have to say before going to bed. one person talk at a time!

KingTermite 10-09-06 06:50 PM

You are who you are....and if you need to "change" to be right, then you aren't right.

Drop it and move on.

jiiiim 10-09-06 06:51 PM

i bet efrobert is dude. you gotta think about it in others shoe. if that chick was your sister, would you want her bf to dump her just cuz they are young couple with a tiny issue?

TexasGuy 10-09-06 06:55 PM

that's not a tiny issue trust me.
I've watched it in some people for a decade+.
It's not anything that ANYBODY in a realtionship SHOULD EVER be saddled with.
Because the resentment that builds up over it till it comes gushing out.

phantomcow2 10-09-06 06:56 PM

Well, I guess my behavior is mostly recent. Maybe I have declined?
I wish she had mentioned this a bit earlier though. WE talked for two hours, and did manage teh Feb 17 compromise.

The reason I don't just want to let it go...
1. She is, despite her unhappy childhood, not at all like your typical highschool girl. FOr the most part, She is more mature than nearly every other girl who is almost 18 if you ask me.

I was her first relationship, I think this plays a roll. HOnestly, I think she expects things to come too easily, to work out nicely w/ minimal effort. I on hte other hand, have gone through a handful of breakups prior to her. I know what it is like, and would like to think I know that compromises are necessary, and that I do not expect perfection. Yes she had some traits that did irritate me sometimes, but I delt. The big picture was positive.
I can see how some of the things I say are hurtful, but not really until after the fact. So, I can't really blame her for being upset here. She is really miserable right now though. I hope that during this time, she will modify a few things herself at least. She is just now experiencing a social, more free life, now that I helped her get out of her old home.

Taerom 10-09-06 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TexasGuy
Because the resentment that builds up over it till it comes gushing out.

Jerry Springer! Woo Woo!

phantomcow2 10-09-06 07:00 PM

Regardless though, I would like to be a little more sensitive in how I speak. I know I probably come across as a heartless ******* sometimes. The biggest mistake I ever made was..
Well once I said something, which in no way would I find insulting or even derogatory, but she found it very hurtful. Probably due to a work choice thing. She was very upset, and when I found out why I laughed. Not like burst out laughing. BUt I laughed because, It just seemed so ridiculous. I know it was wrong, and I know not to do that. She never did let that one go...
Maybe this Phantomcow is so phantom that he has no heart?

TexasGuy 10-09-06 07:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phantomcow2
Well, I guess my behavior is mostly recent. Maybe I have declined?
I wish she had mentioned this a bit earlier though. WE talked for two hours, and did manage teh Feb 17 compromise.

The reason I don't just want to let it go...
1. She is, despite her unhappy childhood, not at all like your typical highschool girl. FOr the most part, She is more mature than nearly every other girl who is almost 18 if you ask me.

I was her first relationship, I think this plays a roll. HOnestly, I think she expects things to come too easily, to work out nicely w/ minimal effort. I on hte other hand, have gone through a handful of breakups prior to her. I know what it is like, and would like to think I know that compromises are necessary, and that I do not expect perfection. Yes she had some traits that did irritate me sometimes, but I delt. The big picture was positive.
I can see how some of the things I say are hurtful, but not really until after the fact. So, I can't really blame her for being upset here. She is really miserable right now though. I hope that during this time, she will modify a few things herself at least. She is just now experiencing a social, more free life, now that I helped her get out of her old home.

Heh there's alot of things that could be.

phantomcow2 10-09-06 07:00 PM

Or, am I a grinch? Two sizes too small?

free_pizza 10-09-06 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phantomcow2
So on Feb 17 (which would have been the 3 year mark), we will congregate. If we both still want to be together, and she feels I have indeed improved, she says we can be together again.

I'll tell you what. Since feb 17 is my birthday, i'll get real drunk, discuss your situation with my friends, and i'll pm or email you, and let you know what you should do.

phantomcow2 10-09-06 07:06 PM

You know what I think a lot of it is, is my sense of humour. I have what I believe to be a unique, but strong sense of humour. When I look at it, Ithink I take my sense of humour too far with her. With some of my male friends, I can take it as far as I can push it. Perhaps my ability to modulate that is lacking?

Taerom 10-09-06 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by free_pizza
I'll tell you what. Since feb 17 is my birthday, i'll get real drunk, discuss your situation with my friends, and i'll pm or email you, and let you know what you should do.

Bring PC2 with you (I know he's underage) and make sure he's prepared for meeting his woman :beer:

cooker 10-09-06 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by free_pizza
I'll tell you what. Since feb 17 is my birthday, i'll get real drunk, discuss your situation with my friends, and i'll pm or email you, and let you know what you should do.

Hey, my birthday too!
PC2: do I understand correctly that your gf is 17?

Tom Stormcrowe 10-09-06 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phantomcow2
Well, I was half way broken up with just now. My girlfriend of 2.5 years, who I actually believe I loved, and loves me, has somewhat ended our relationship. She is unhappy with me now, because she says I am insensitive. And, often hurtful. Well, I never thought of myself that way. We are different people, very differnet. I always liked how we covered each others strengths/weakness's though. Nevertheless, she tells me she still loves me. She says that if I can fix my insensitiveness, lack of communication ability, we can be together again. Right now, I guess you could call it a separation.
So on Feb 17 (which would have been the 3 year mark), we will congregate. If we both still want to be together, and she feels I have indeed improved, she says we can be together again.

It's not necessarily what I THINK that hurts her. But, it is how I convey. She seems to interprete what I say in the most awful way sometimes, I must be pretty bad at communicating my feelings. She says that she will work on not interpreting things in such a horrid way, but right now she is miserable. I know, and she admits, that if she just knew what/how I was thinking, it would be okay.

With former people I have dated, I don't think I would have bothered. But, I am certainly going to bother this time. Going to make some attempts to be more sensitive, or at least, be more sensitive when I speak. But I just can't help but think it is a good amount her too. When I give my opinion about something, such as her family situations, she takes it as "This is what you must do" and argues about it, usually ending up with her crying. I try to stress that this is only my OPINION. Take what you want, chuck the rest.

Ugh...
Given that I am not a guy who falls for your typical highschool chick, I have a very difficult time believing that that would start in the interim. Ugh...

Any comments or suggestions to make this less of a sticky wicket?

Straight up: She doesn't want you to tell her what to do or advise her as far as the family situation goes, she just want's a bit of moral support and a hug! Guy's are more action oriented rather than emotionally based and we try to "fix" the problem when all she really wants is that hug! Try to avoid giving advice and opinions in a family situation where ever you can...otherwise it jumps up and bites you right where you sit down! Just that hug increases the sensitivity level and gives the GF what she really wants!

DannoXYZ 10-09-06 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phantomcow2
You know what I think a lot of it is, is my sense of humour. I have what I believe to be a unique, but strong sense of humour. When I look at it, Ithink I take my sense of humour too far with her. With some of my male friends, I can take it as far as I can push it. Perhaps my ability to modulate that is lacking?

Yeah, don't worry about it too much, everything's perfectly natural with what's going on. You don't need to go all-out all the time like with the guys. Chic humour is a different style than guy humour, it's kinda "silly". Plus chics are different and they speak a different language. It's not what you say, and not even how you say it, it's the effect the communications has on the other side. And you want to tailor your communications so that it has the intended effect. Which means the exact words and delivery-method will vary from person-to-person.

Take some time off and get away first; better you appear not to be groveling. Hang out with your buddies, go out with other chics, take the Feb-17 booty-call and move on with life. :)

cooker 10-09-06 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by free_pizza
I'll tell you what. Since feb 17 is my birthday, i'll get real drunk, discuss your situation with my friends, and i'll pm or email you, and let you know what you should do.

Hey, my birthday too!
PC2: do I understand correctly that your gf is 17? And you are...?

free_pizza 10-09-06 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cooker
Hey, my birthday too!

Come along with me then!

free_pizza 10-09-06 07:16 PM

i believe Johny Monkey has the same bday too.

snowy 10-09-06 07:21 PM

Here is my 2cents. First, I do believe that there is a time and place for everything and maybe the time has come for you two to move on. I don't ever believe that one person is to blame when it comes to relationships. Sweetie do you know how many girls you will meet down the road???? TONS. You both are coming into your own. I too have always had long-term relationships. I dated a guy from the age of 19 to 24. He eventually cheated on me and for that I was angry. But now being 32 I realized that it may have been the best thing that has ever happened to me. It really made me find ME.

Do you want to always have to be on guard about what you say?? I believe that you need to be a gentleman but you should never feel like you have to (walk on egg shells so to speak) so you don't upset her all the time. Reading your thread all you said is she doesn't like this or that?? Its a two way street.

I think that when the time comes you both will realize you want different things and you'll move on and you will be happy. Time does heal all broken hearts. Take this as a growing experience and be happy with what you learned from the relationship.

In my nice way of saying MOVE ON. You deserve better and so does she and I don't think just from what I read that you both are getting what you want.

SNOWY

flair1111 10-09-06 07:23 PM

Forget her! Sorry to say that. If she is doubting now, it will only get worse later. You may on the off chance work things out but I doubt it. When I was dating my wife, the only thing that I didnt like about her was that she was a tad to sensative, and clingy at times. I didnt think much about it. Well, after 12 years of marriage, our biggest fights have been about her accusing me of not caring how she feels, when I absolutly do. She just doesnt see it no matter what I do. And shes still needy acting from time to time. Weve almost got divorced in the past because of her being way to sensative and taking me the wrong way. Ive been sitting on the couch before and thinking of absolutly nothing and she accuses me of NEVER having her on my thoughts. If I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldnt have got married. Its great exept for that part, but it wears me down sometimes.

Point is, you dont need this drama now or in the future, move on.

phantomcow2 10-09-06 07:25 PM

I am 17. SHe is actually older than me! SHe turns 18 in just under 2 weeks.

Tom, she would probably nullify any chance we had of getting together if she read this, but I think you are right! It just seems like when I gave my advice, it would only bring tension. She even said it hurt that I thought she should do something regarding her family.

I don't plan to date anybody else. My feelings toward her are pretty strong. To my surprise, she actually said that if I want to-
well, to put it simply, a temporary friends w/ benefits relationship is oh-kay.

But then it's an uber fine line. How much do I actually say? If I speak too much, especially regarding advice, it is not good. But if I say too little, then will I be accused of not caring or listening? Tight rope walking...

This is an awkward spot.

TexasGuy 10-09-06 07:27 PM

You're both too young to be this serious.
Loving somebody is being able to let go and understanding why somebody can't let go.


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