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Old 03-22-07, 09:44 AM   #1
EJ123
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Death of your parents

How sad were you when your mom or dad died? I feel like my mom only has a little bit left with her sickness. Maybe another 15 years I don't know. Im not really sure what I'll be like. Just curious to see what you all felt like.
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Old 03-22-07, 09:46 AM   #2
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Do your best for her while she's here.
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Old 03-22-07, 09:49 AM   #3
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Hi EJ123-

Hopefully both your parents are doing well...I can't tell from your post the status of your father. I love both my parents (both currently living...) and my sister with all my heart. I can't even picture what it would be like without them and that's why I value each moment and always remain grateful. Best wishes for your situation.

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Old 03-22-07, 09:51 AM   #4
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I'm sorry, but 15 YEARS isn't a "little bit" of time.


How old are you now, 16, right?

Think of it this way: you have time to get finish college, get married and have a grand child for her to know all before 15 years goes by.

I guess the best thing you can do is not be a miserable teenager (like most of us were!) if you're that concerned. Make sure you make the best of the 15 years.
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Old 03-22-07, 09:56 AM   #5
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I have yet to deal with that situation. It is however one we are faced with during the what we consider the normal cycle of life.......that being our parents go before us. I guess like any other death of a close relative in alot of ways. If you are somewhat religious and believe in the good book then you know that death is the begining of a new life free of pain and suffering. We will all be together again if you invite Christ into your heart and admit your a sinner and deserve no such salvation but through the grace of God you are afforded it.

I guess we all handle death in various ways. I just try to reassure myself and hope that they believed in Christ and that he gave his life for ours and all will be fine in the end.

Hope this was inciteful or helps you somewhat. I guess my next question is what exactly makes you think 15 years or so. Is she sick with a ailment that would forecast such a time frame or is it math and what the avg. age is to be now days like an actuary table insurance companys use? Just curious. Wishing you the best.
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Old 03-22-07, 09:59 AM   #6
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It hurts but...

With my dad he was just plain worn out. The body was just failing in general. Also one thing that really helped is that about 10 years before he had a heart attack and mom drove him to the hospital. She was told by the emergency doctor that she did the right thing, that calling 911 would have desulted in a long enough delay that he would probable been DOA. That made things much easier, both on me and even more on mom. Instead of second guessing the night he died (e.g. if I had noticed he would still be alive) she could think more of the 10 years she had saved him.

If your parents are still a couple the hardest part for you may well be the surviving parents grief.
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Old 03-22-07, 10:09 AM   #7
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There is an emptiness that cannot be filled. My Ma passed away two years ago. I no longer grieve, but there remains a distinct feeling of loss. I am profoundly saddened that I can no longer talk with her.

But, you have up to and beyond 15 years! As another post said: visit, and enjoy your parent(s) as long as you can, while you can. You will not be sorry for it.
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Old 03-22-07, 10:25 AM   #8
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My father died about four years ago now at age 76 from lung cancer (yes, he was a smoker - pipes and then cigars, the smell of which kept my brother, my sister and me from becoming smokers).

How did I feel when he died? A combination of great sadness, great copncern for my mother, and great relief for him - not so much for the release from pain, because he had morphine up the wazoo that did a fairly good job, but from the release from the inability to care for himself, his feeling of being a burden on his family, and the dulling of his mental capacity that the disease and especially the morphine caused, all of which I know he hated.

I also felt something I had not expected to feel - a better sense of the real role of a parent. I realized that, while I missed him - and I still do, every siongle day - and wished he were still here, I did not need him. Put another way, in terms of my day-to-day dealings with the rest of the world, his death had very little impact. I think - no, I know - he would regard that as a good thing, that I was able to take care of myself (however badly I do it at times). I know that he and my Mom both regard that as the ultimate job of a parent, to raise their children to be able to make it on their own.

I also find that I recognize more and more of my father and his values in me. I am not him, and he and I had fairly different personalities, but his impact on me and my views on what is important in life has become more apparent to me since his death than it ever was while he was still alive. In a very real sense, he is more alive now than I would ever have believed possible.

One piece of advice for you: make absolutely sure that you tell your parents - or anyone you hold dear - how you feel about them while they are able to hear and understand you. Expressing emotions has never been the "thing" oin my family, and especially with my Dad. But I had the chance to tell him that I loved him and what an incredibly fine man I thought he was well before the cancer and the pain-killers dulled his ability to participate in a conversation. Because of a really bizarre incident at chemotherapy that is too long to relate here, I know to a certainty that he got the message and that it touched him. Do not let this piece of business go undone - you will regret it if you do.
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Old 03-22-07, 10:26 AM   #9
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My mom died in 2003 (at age 54). It's hard to describe how much it hurts. In some ways its horrible, in other ways its not as hard as you think.

The roughest part is the first year after they die. It's really rough to all the "first" things without them like Christmas, their birthday, anniversary with husband/wife, etc..... After that first year is up, its more of a dull ache in the back of your mind that comes up occasionally, but is not constantly on your mind.

The hardest part for me is still occasionally seeing something cool and grabbing my phone with the thought of calling my mom about it and then remembering.
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Old 03-22-07, 10:57 AM   #10
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- i grew up in an orphanage, but i understand the hurt through the lives of my brothers (fellow classmates)...
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Old 03-22-07, 11:12 AM   #11
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My mum died at 49. I was 26 at the time. She had an aneurysm deep in the brain that wasn't operable. She went into a coma a week after I saw her for Christmas. Sometime during the week that she was at hospital, she expired and they revived her. Our family decided that we didn't want them to make huge efforts in the future. Around the 8th day, my uncle came to get me at the library in the basement of the hospital and said she was slipping. I held her hand as her heart beat its last. Then they unhooked the machines and she turned this awful shade of blue-green.

I knew this day was coming. When I was 9, we learned about life-spans of various animals. I did the math and realized that my mum was gonna die before me and it was really the saddest day of my life; I cried forever. That kinda prepared me for it in a way

When it actually happened, it was a surprize because I didn't think it would happen so soon. But there's not much you can do. Death is a natural part of life just like births. Which means it's time for a PARTY!!! Our family gets together every year on that day and have a big one for sure!

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Old 03-22-07, 11:15 AM   #12
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Answering this question would be like helping imagine your own funeral. Then what?

The point that you are missing is that if you have someone with you today, make it count. That is all that matters.

My dad passed about 16 years ago. That is what I think about now, and would do over again if I could on all those days when he was with us that I squandered.
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Old 03-22-07, 11:30 AM   #13
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Being as most of the guys I've worked with are 35+, I've seen a lot of my co workers have their parents die on them. The way they always explained it to me was pretty much: "Its rough. You'll never know what it feels like until it happens to you".
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Old 03-22-07, 11:36 AM   #14
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it helps to not like or not know your parents. that way you can potentialy turn it into a good thing. my mom's dead. i didn't really know her. it's not a big deal to me.

but the plus side is, when ever someone makes a yo mamma joke or something you can respond with "my mom's dead"

and nothing lasts forever..life is a series of living and letting go...

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Old 03-22-07, 12:04 PM   #15
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My parents still live
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Old 03-22-07, 02:21 PM   #16
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I felt like I lost a bit of myself when my dad passed away in early February. It does get better with time. It will probably never feel the same again. With the help of friends and family you'll get through it.
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Old 03-22-07, 02:42 PM   #17
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My father died from complications from cancer on Nov 11, 1996, Veteran's Day. Fitting since he was a decorated WW2 vet.

It was really hard. First being told a couple years earlier that he was going to die in 12 months and then being by his side when he took his last breathe. He actually lasted a year longer than expected. For time we thought he conquered it. He was walking every day and in seemingly great health.

Then all of a sudden it went down hill. Within a month he went from walking a few miles to barely able to walk with his walker.

One night he got up to use the bathroom and his walker got stuck on the bathroom carpet. He hit his chest on the ceramic tub and rails. I jumped out of bed to find him on the floor with a glassy look in his eyes. I thought he was dead. He had knocked the wind out of himself... but regained his breathing. IO was going to call 911 but he said he was okay. So after about 30 mins he called to me to call 911.

He almost passed away in the ambulance before it even left my driveway. But they revived him and off he went to the hospital.

He was doing better so they transferred him to his regular hospital. And while he was getting a check up he started coughing up blood. Two days later he was gone. I was sleeping in the hospital bed next to him when all of a sudden i bolted up and went to his bedside. I saw his labored breathing and then saw his final exhale. All this happened in a span of a week.

I called my sister after the coughing incident to come out... she was on her way to the airport to fly from Maine to San Francisco when our father passed away. So she didn't get to see him before he passed.

It was hard not being able to communicate with him before he went. He had tubes down his throat that didn't allow him to talk well. So my last words to him were telling him that we loved him and that we'll be alright and that my sister was on her way.

The hardest part was thinking that there was something I could have done to at least keep him alive until my sister got there. Maybe get a few more blankets because his hands were so cold.

It was hard for my sister not getting there in time. But over time, we both understood that there was nothing we could have done. When it's your time, it's your time.

I just wish he got to meet his grandkids. He'd be so proud. At least my mom is around to see her grandkids. for that I am thankful... but she has been battling the same cancer my dad was and started chemo again this past week.

It's hard, but at least my family and I are back home after moving to TX for 5 years. We can spend as much time as we can with her because I know eventually she will succumb to cancer as well no matter how much in denial I am.

sorry so long...
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Old 03-22-07, 03:54 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gee3
My father died from complications from cancer on Nov 11, 1996, Veteran's Day. Fitting since he was a decorated WW2 vet.
- my father died on Father's Day, 1966... and like your Dad, was also a decorated WW2 vet (he missed service in WW1 by two years)...

- it is tough to lose a mother and/or father, and my heart goes out to one and all going through such an experience...

- i send money every year to my local hospice, btw - good people doing good things...
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Old 03-22-07, 04:25 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KingTermite
My mom died in 2003 (at age 54). It's hard to describe how much it hurts. In some ways its horrible, in other ways its not as hard as you think.

The roughest part is the first year after they die. It's really rough to all the "first" things without them like Christmas, their birthday, anniversary with husband/wife, etc..... After that first year is up, its more of a dull ache in the back of your mind that comes up occasionally, but is not constantly on your mind.

The hardest part for me is still occasionally seeing something cool and grabbing my phone with the thought of calling my mom about it and then remembering.
I'm not sure I could put it any better.
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Old 03-22-07, 04:51 PM   #20
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I never really knew my father very well. In 1975, he abandoned his wife and children and left for places unknown. He didn't know how to fullfill his roles and responsibilities of raising his children. I was angry that he did this and other things which I must always live with. My mother remarried, became employed as a nurse, and my brother and I went on with our lives as best we could.

25 years later, I learned of my father's whereabouts and how he could be contacted. I then learned he had multiple forms of cancer and had six months to live. My mother, brother, and I were able to reunite six months before he passed away. During that time, we caught up on lost time and came to terms with him.

We kept in contact by telephone after we returned home. Late one night, he called me for the final time.
The next morning, I was the first person to learn he passed away. It was hard letting my mother and brother know. It was harder still knowing that someone I had just finished coming to terms with and starting to get to know all over again had just died.

My mother still lives today and runs a hospital unit.

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Old 03-22-07, 05:13 PM   #21
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My Dad had cancer and his last two years were very hard, it was a relief when he passed, but also very sad, he was a good man and loved his family.

My Mom got a few extra years thanks to medicine and the ER, it was sad, but we had a couple good talks (finally) that last year.
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Old 03-22-07, 05:40 PM   #22
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My dad died at 56 when I was 25. Didn't bother me much. He had cancer, so we were expecting it. Relieved when he went, no more pain. Myself and my siblings don't dwell on his loss, we celebrate and laugh about all he brought into our lives, in his own bizarre eccentric twisted way.

I actually found it rather amusing. Just before he got sick he was telling me that his dad died when he was my age. It's almost like he jinxed himself or something! Now I joke that I'll be third in line of the family curse, and I have until my mid-fifties to spawn little Nicodemii before I pop my clogs.

We take things in our stride in my family when it comes to death. I feel it's best to take life's knocks, bumps, and final lashings with a strong chin and a good sense of humour.

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Old 03-22-07, 05:53 PM   #23
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That's a cool attitude, Nicodemus.

I remember sitting upright in the dead of night at 4 years old, terrified with the realization that my folks would die someday. I had watched Charlotte's web earlier that day, and my brain finally processed it. I cried for a long time, and for a long time afterwards was concerned about their health, and would ask people how old they were and mentally calculate how long they might have. Took me a while to stop doing that.

I still worry about them, they do NOT take good care of themselves.
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Old 03-22-07, 06:35 PM   #24
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I lost my Dad in '96 from a brain tumor. I still miss him.

My Mom is still going strong!!
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Old 03-22-07, 10:15 PM   #25
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My dad (decorated Vietnam vet) died in 1988 when I was 15. He really died in the Battle of Tonkin - it just took him a long time to stop breathing. I am relieved that he died while still missing him every day of my life.
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