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Old 03-27-07, 09:13 AM   #1
urbanknight
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Musician Jokes

This got started in an on topic thread, so I moved it here to avoid getting the useful thread getting the boot. Let's see, we had...

Why are a viola player's fingers like lightning?
Because they never strike in the same place twice!

What's the difference between a cello and a double bass?
A double bass burns longer!

And I'll add...

How many 2nd violinists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they can't reach that high!
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Old 03-27-07, 09:43 AM   #2
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What has nine arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
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Old 03-27-07, 09:45 AM   #3
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I got one I dare not post.
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Old 03-27-07, 09:55 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by junkyard
What has nine arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
roflcopter
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Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 03-27-07, 10:06 AM   #5
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Me trying to play the guitar.
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Old 03-27-07, 10:09 AM   #6
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What's the difference between a band and a winter snow?
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>The number of flakes it contains!
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Old 03-27-07, 10:11 AM   #7
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Did you hear about the bass player that locked his keys in the car?

He had to break the window to get the drummer out...
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Old 03-27-07, 10:27 AM   #8
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How do you get a bass player off your front porch?















Pay him for the pizza.
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Old 03-27-07, 06:00 PM   #9
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What do you find up a soprano's skirt?




A tenor.

***

What do a viola solo and premature ejaculation have in common?



You they're coming but there's not a damned thing you can do about it.
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Old 03-27-07, 06:33 PM   #10
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What is perfect pitch?

Being able to throw the banjo into the trashcan with out hitting the sides.

What is the difference between a trampoline and a banjo?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

How can you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

I can stay all day, got a million of them.

By the way, I play guitar and mandolin and that aint no joke.

Steven
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Old 03-27-07, 07:25 PM   #11
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Do you know the definition of a gentleman?


Someone who knows how to play the accordian, but doesn't.
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Old 03-27-07, 07:38 PM   #12
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How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four. One to set up the ladder, one to change the lightbulb, one to kick the ladder out from under her, and one to watch it all and say she can do it better.

How many tenors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. He just holds it up and the world revolves around him.
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Old 03-27-07, 09:58 PM   #13
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What do coffee and Ginger Baker have in common? They both suck without Cream.

Why do drummers leave their drumsticks on the dashboard? So they can park in the handicapped spot.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? One. He just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
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Old 03-27-07, 10:06 PM   #14
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Errrm -- I'm a guitar player AND a tenor ....
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Old 03-28-07, 06:30 AM   #15
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Trivia: A violin and a viola are the exact same size. The viola looks larger because the violinist's head is bigger.

/Gotta work on that one...
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Old 03-28-07, 06:35 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by junkyard
What has nine arms and sucks?
Def Leppard


That's just wrong.....FUNNY AS HELL.....but just sooo wrong!!




Quote:
Originally Posted by Dead Extra #2
Do you know the definition of a gentleman?


Someone who knows how to play the accordian, but doesn't.
Same comment as previous.
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- it's pretty well established that Hitler was an *******.
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Old 03-28-07, 06:41 AM   #17
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About a hundred years ago I played various brass instruments in various kinds of bands. We always called the tuba players tubers, the trombone players were boners, the french horns were horndogs, and the cornettes were corndogs. I was a tuber and a *****. And sometimes a fluger. I used to tell people I played heavy metal, then showed them my 40-pound BB-flat tuba, and my bass trombone. And I'm here to tell you friends, the babes love a man who can handle 40 pounds of brass tubage. Not really, but a man can dream.
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Old 03-28-07, 06:44 AM   #18
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What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Drool.
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Old 03-28-07, 06:46 AM   #19
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What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Drool.
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Old 03-28-07, 02:23 PM   #20
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How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, the piano player can do it with his left hand.

A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.

The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop."

The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"

The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!"

The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"

Wild-eyed, the boy responds,

" . . . BASS SOLO!!!" -



And from my favorite bass player, Tony Levin:

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ... Definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try). And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good.

And God heard that it was good and He smiled at His handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. Andhe did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

And it was so.

-I've been playing bass for almost 20 years.
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Old 03-28-07, 09:34 PM   #21
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What do you call the guy that hangs out with the band?

The bass player.

What does B.U.G. stand for?

Big Ugly Guitar.

If you guys keep this up I'll have to tell you my worst music student horror story.

Steven
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Old 03-28-07, 09:54 PM   #22
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What is the trumpet player's motto?
Harder faster louder

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four others to say how much better they could have done it.
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Old 03-28-07, 10:37 PM   #23
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whats the differance between a banjo and an onion?

no one crys when you cut up a banjo.

whats the differance between a harmonica and a banjo?

you only suck half the time when you're playing the harmonica
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Old 03-29-07, 05:50 AM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jblake
But God created Cliff Burton, too :-)

Last edited by Falanx; 03-29-07 at 10:31 AM.
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Old 03-29-07, 08:53 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken B.
And I'm here to tell you friends, the babes love a man who can handle 40 pounds of brass tubage.
I dated a woman who had played French horn in high school. If she was any indication, the stories about brass players' stupendous kissing -- and other oral abilities -- are *not* exaggerated!

(And no, she did not try to put her fist in my butt whenever she kissed me.)
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