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  1. #1
    Non Tribuo Anus Rodentum and off to the next adventure (RIP) Stacey's Avatar
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    Good-Bye BikeForums...

    Hello Best of CraigsList!

    This stuff is hillarious, I've been laughing so hard I think I tore an abdominal muscle. Dayum does it hurt!

    My favorite so far...

    My Son Is A Moron... He Did Not Come From My Loins...

    You do everything you can for your kids. God knows I've tried. But it seems like God enjoys a good joke, now and then.

    I was raised in a strict household. My parents bore offspring from the early-50's to the mid-60's. I was around the middle of this brood. With nine mouths to feed, we did not have a lot of extras. We worked for simple things, like bicycles.

    Nothing wrong with that. It's what we knew. And we were given a great foundation, on which we could create a life for ourselves. As I said, my parents were strict - which made me not wish to be such with my kids.

    Ah, my kids... I'm in my forties, and the wife is a bit younger. I make a fine income, and try not to sweat anything. I get up... have coffee... look out at the ocean... read the paper... move onto my business.

    I appreciate not having a house full of screaming kids in the morning (something that was impossible when I grew up). All I ask of my kids is to; a) be respectful of everyone, b) be honest c) get good grades, d) clean their rooms.

    I do not ask for much, nor do I demand much. However... that is going to change tonight. Events that occurred this morning will bring about change like these kids have never known. The wife has kept me in the dark about some things as well.

    It's my fault. I accept it. But I can reverse this downward trend - now. My generation (baby-boomers) has found that it is easier to go around a wall, than climb over over it - or knock it down. I'm as guilty as anyone.

    My guilt turned into rage this morning. My son (and my wife) convinced me that he NEEDED a car (he's seventeen). I was not keen on a kid driving, that has trouble standing a surfboard, or walking down the stairs without tripping.

    But I relented (again, why fight it). With some stipulations, we aquired a car for this child. The rules were put in place, and he proclaimed we were the greatest parents in the worls. Uh huh... It's 12:00pm, and he has yet to get out of bed. His mother has been instructed to tell my prodigy that he is GROUNDED. We have never done this, but we are today. And I mean GROUNDED in his room!

    Not out by the pool. Not in the gameroom. His cluttered abode is where he better be when I get home tonight. And I'm going to be stopping for a drink, first. I deserve a drink after this morning. Let me tell you about my day.

    I go out to my car in the driveway (I have a three-car garage - and "hers" is the only one that fits inside). My insanely over-priced piece of **** refuses to start today (3rd time in 2 months - the car is 6-monthss old). Okay... I call 'AAA'; it will 45-60 minutes. No time to wait. Okay... I'm going to take my kids' car.

    I go in and retrieve the keys (everyone is till asleep @ 8am). I leave a note telling him to call me. His car is down the street at a friends house. Why? He claimed that our driveway was too crowded (and the other kids might scratch it).
    Okay... I find his car... set off the alarm... ****! People, one word; LOJACK. Goddamn, I hate those alarms.

    Anyways I get in the car, after noticing the REALLY nice rims & tires on it. Hmmm, how did he pay for those? WHEN, did he get those? I get in, and notice a new STEERING WHEEL... without the AIRBAG - that I demanded he have. Oh, this car is totally *****in' dude! It gets better...

    Continued...

  2. #2
    The Site Administrator: Currently at home recovering from a couple of strokes,please contact my assistnt admins for forum issues Tom Stormcrowe's Avatar
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    Why Goodbye BF....That's hilarious!
    on light duty due to illness; please contact my assistants for forum issues. They are Siu Blue Wind, or CbadRider or the other 3 star folk. I am currently at home recovering from a couple of strokes. I am making good progress, happily.


    . “He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”- Fredrick Nietzsche

    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." - Immanuel Kant

  3. #3
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    I LOVED it!!! too funny, Id love to see if he is going to stick to all of this, thanks for sharing! I had a few good laughs!

  4. #4
    was kung-fu fighting lodi781's Avatar
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    .....If and when I have kids, IF they deserve a car ( good grades, etc) I'm keeping an eagles stare on thier car. when I was growing up, My room was mine to a point, but it was understood that random "inventory" checks would be performed by my parents. If I didn't like it, I was free to get my own place....
    " The love you withhold is the pain you carry, lifetime after lifetime."

  5. #5
    Senior Member Rocky Mountain's Avatar
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    That was pretty funny.

  6. #6
    Chairman of the Bored catatonic's Avatar
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    So far so good, can you paste teh rest Stacey? my work has blocked craigslist
    -------- __@
    ----- _`\<,_
    ---- (*)/ (*)
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Ring Ring, Ring Ring, the bell went Ring Ring Ring.

  7. #7
    the actual el guapo atomship47's Avatar
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    hehehe.

    advice to the dad; if you're able to get everyone involved to adhere to those rules....write a how-to book, publish it, make BILLIONS!
    Compatibility:

    Your exact opposite is the Televangelist.

    Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Capitalist Pig, the Smartass, and the Sociopath.

  8. #8
    Richard Peters
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    Quote Originally Posted by atomship47
    hehehe.

    advice to the dad; if you're able to get everyone involved to adhere to those rules....write a how-to book, publish it, make BILLIONS!

    +1

  9. #9
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catatonic
    So far so good, can you paste teh rest Stacey? my work has blocked craigslist
    I start it up... A huge racket comes from the exhaust (not stock anymore!)... And the stereo starts screaming out profanities! The backseat is now occupied by a huge box with speakers in it... and fast-food trash... and 'ziz-zag' papers... and empty 'trojan' wrappers (a chip off the 'ole block).

    To say the least I am pissed. I proceed to drive this rattling, screaming (I tear the faceplate off - finally), piece of doo-doo down the road. I swear, I think I awakened everyone in the neighborhood. I head out onto PCH, and drive less than a mile... when MB's finest pulls me over...

    WTF? I know I wasn't speeding. The officer comes up to the car, and asks for my license and insurance card... I hand over the license, and tell him I'm not sure where the insurance card is - 'it's my son's car'... "look in the glovebox" (he is - actually - smiling now)...

    I open the glovebox... and a small BONG falls out... I look at him... he looks at me... This is not happening! Oh, but it is. The first thing I say is 'it's not mine!'... "um, sir, could you step out of the car, please"...

    I get out, and we step onto the sidewalk. He tells me he stopped me for having an illegal exhaust (no **** - it sounds like two-dozen weedwhackers coming down the street). He also informs me that there are plenty more violations on this car... And I start laughing... He asks why am I laughing... And I tell him how my day is going.

    "What about the water-pipe?" Indeed! I inform him that this is all a surprise to me, but I would like him to write up everything that is illegal about the vehicle. He looks at me like I'm crazy. But I want my kid to learn a lesson.

    And the officer obliges me. He, even, finds some weed in the trunk... 17 tickets later, we are finished... almost... I ask him if I can keep all of the drug paraphenalia? "Why?" I want my kid to destroy it. I want this kid to know his "****-off" days are over.

    The officer agrees. I could see he was wishing he could be there tonight, for the "lesson". He was pretty decent about the whole thing. This guy took, almost, a half-hour to go through all of this paperwork - and search. I thank him, and head out... He tells me if I get stopped again today, that I should show all the citations to the other officer - and I should not have any problems...

    Problems?!! We have problems. I have lost control of my family. My wife is a co-conspirator. She has just been told that I want a listing of all of our household bills & accounts. 'Yes, dear - we are going to perform an audit'. She is protesting, but I do not care. This is war.

    I know my family loves me, but they have played me for a fool. I may be a fool, but I am not dumb. She does not know that I just found out my son is in Summer school, because of bad grades. She doesn't know that DMV has provided me with her, and his, records; apparently they have a problem with obeying traffic laws.

    It's not going to be easy, but something must be done. I swear, I feel like I have become my father... I want the best for my family, and feel something radical must happen. I can only hope they - truly - understand it is for our own good.




    Some things that will be addressed tonight;

    1) Son's vehicle is gone; oil up that chain on your bicycle.
    2) All three kids will empty out the garage; sell it/ donate it/ whatever.
    3) Mom will have a household budget.
    4) Chores - that's right; everyone will have assigned chores.
    5) Chores will be done, before anything else.
    6) Homework will be done daily, before dinner. * Or, immediately after sports events, but always prior to 10pm.
    7) Son's tickets will be paid with his allowance.
    8) Son is grounded for the rest of the summer.
    9) Son will study from 8am until 4pm - daily, durint the rest of summer vacation.
    10) Videogames are banned from 10pm until 6pm - daily.
    11) Everyone will be up by 8am - daily.
    12) The youngest child is on a diet - now.
    13) Mother will inform father of ALL infractions.
    14) Dad will be home by 6pm - daily.
    15) Everyone will eat dinner, together.
    16) Mom will cook dinner - and it better not come out of the microwave.
    17) The maid is being given four weeks notice. * That is going to be fun - I may not see a sexual interlude for awhile.
    18) Dad is getting a new car, and parking it in his garage.
    19) Son may get a USED car, when his grades are A's & B's, for two - consecutive - semesters.
    20) Mom and son are to attend driving school.
    21) Son will explain drug usage - completely, or face rehab & boarding school.
    22) Mom will be weaned off of her "medications"; NOW.
    23) Children will make their own lunches, for school; no more money for ****ty school food.
    24) NO soda. Maybe, when we dine out. Maybe, on the weekends.
    25) NO MySpace accounts, or any other assinine accounts - a computer geek will check all of their computers - monthly (they need fear put into their lives).
    26) Dad will attend all school functions.
    27) Everyone will be present for all birthdays.
    28) Children will wear clothes that Dad approves of.
    29) Mom will dress daughter like a little girl; not a 'hoochie-mama'. * and - definitely - no "juicy" pants on her bottom!
    30) Daughter will not have any underwear, except for briefs.
    31) Sons will not be told to pull up their pants, or face having said pants donated.
    32) NO 'Rap' music, within Dad's hearing range.
    33) NO tattoos, until you are out of my house.
    34) NO piercings (except for daughter's ears), until you are out of my house.
    35) NO dyeing of hair, until you are out of my house.




    Did I miss something?



    I'm continuing to add to the list...



    Tell me if I missed something...



    Tell me if I'm wrong...



    I've seen those "wife-swap" & "nanny" shows...



    I hate to think that is my life...



    Wish me luck...



    I may be sleeping on the patio tonight...
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    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  10. #10
    Up on the Down Side CyLowe97's Avatar
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    Awesome.

    Unrealistic, but awesome none the less.

    If he accomplishes half that list and makes it stick, it will be a complete success story.

  11. #11
    ÖöÖöÖöÖöÖö Dannihilator's Avatar
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    BY the list the father needs to be the one on the medication. Some of those rules are outright dumb.
    Strike like an eagle and sacrifice the dove.
    Words and Stuff.

  12. #12
    Body By Nintendo Psydotek's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jsharr View Post
    A girl once asked me to give her twelve inches and make it hurt. I had to make love to her 3 times and then punch her in the nose.

  13. #13
    Up on the Down Side CyLowe97's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Smashy
    BY the list the father needs to be the one on the medication. Some of those rules are outright dumb.
    Yeah. I smell REALITY SHOW!!!!

  14. #14
    phony collective progress x136's Avatar
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    Some of them are nice, and would probably be good measures to take, but some of them are a bit over the top. Like number 16, the "*****, get your *** back in the kitchen and make me a sammich!" clause, and some of the "let's be so strict on this kid that he rebels even harder next time" rules. At least he put some rules and restrictions on himself.

  15. #15
    Tail End Charlie Ritehsedad's Avatar
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    Someone has lost touch with reality. Someone will be in Family Court real soon!
    Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

  16. #16
    Chairman of the Bored catatonic's Avatar
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    heh, that's pretty amusing stuff right there!

    The pipe falling out of the glove box was priceless.
    -------- __@
    ----- _`\<,_
    ---- (*)/ (*)
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Ring Ring, Ring Ring, the bell went Ring Ring Ring.

  17. #17
    Non Tribuo Anus Rodentum and off to the next adventure (RIP) Stacey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tom Stormcrowe
    Why Goodbye BF....That's hilarious!
    Touche.

  18. #18
    Non Tribuo Anus Rodentum and off to the next adventure (RIP) Stacey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jsharr
    I start it up...

    <snip>

    I may be sleeping on the patio tonight...
    Thanks Jeff, I had gone for a ride.

  19. #19
    Bike Junkie aadhils's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritehsedad
    Someone has lost touch with reality. Someone will be in Family Court real soon!
    With attitudes like this, is it any wonder that there's alot of spoilt kids out there that are incredibly rude to their parents?

  20. #20
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stacey
    Thanks Jeff, I had gone for a ride.
    You're welcome. Did you have a nice ride?
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    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  21. #21
    Non Tribuo Anus Rodentum and off to the next adventure (RIP) Stacey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jsharr
    You're welcome. Did you have a nice ride?
    Wonderful, thank you.

    I dropped the truck off for inspection then peddled my ass around town for about 10 miles.

  22. #22
    ~ Going the Distance ~ powerglide's Avatar
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    ha! Sounds so Manhattan Beach (my hood)....poor b@stard!
    Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.

  23. #23
    Senior Member scrapmetal's Avatar
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    It's a dirty job to be parent - but somebody's gotta do it.
    Po všetkém hovno, enem po včelách med.

  24. #24
    (((Fully Awake))) Serendipper's Avatar
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    Oh damn. My man totally lost control of the house. That's f'ed up.

  25. #25
    Banned Bikepacker67's Avatar
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    Sounds like he's the only earner in that household.
    Rather than listing commandments, maybe he ought to just draw the purse strings.

    And for all those who think he was being sexist for wanting his wife to cook, well if she doesn't have a job outside the house, then her job IS the house.

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