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Old 07-19-07, 04:06 PM   #1
Siu Blue Wind
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Ok Foosters. Need some Foo thoughts here please.

This person I know has a dad who pretty much found a new "friend". And although being married still, had moved out of the house and continued to see the "friend". He would come home ocassionally, playing the father part and all. But still the family felt his absence even though he is not very close to the sons, who had to take care of mom thoughout this heartbreaking situation. Very very hard on the family. Not only emotionally but financially, since all the boys continue living at home.

He filed for divorce and it had recently become final. But during that time, he moved in with his "friend".

I just found that the dad is now going to marry this "friend" - two of the sons don't want to attend, but the one that I know feels he has to. He doesn't want to but feels he should to "support" his father.

He asked me if he should go but I won't say yay or nay. I told him I would ask you guys for your opinions and he wants to see your thoughts.

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Old 07-19-07, 04:10 PM   #2
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His decision as you say, but he certainly doesn't "have" to.

When my dad recently remarried, I wasn't totally thrilled about his new wife, but felt I should support him. But in your friends case the father more or less abandoned the mother and family....if it were me, I wouldn't go.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:12 PM   #3
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I think a serious father-son heart-to-heart is in order. The son needs to understand why the father did it. If the reasons aren't good enough then no, I don't think he should feel obligated.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:14 PM   #4
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This person I know has a dad who pretty much found a new "friend". And although being married still had moved out of the house and continued to see the "friend". He would come home ocassionally, playing the father part and all. But still the family felt his absence even though he is not very close to the sons, who had to take care of mom thoughout this heartbreaking situation. Very very hard on the family. Not only emotionally but financially, since all the boys are still living at home.

He filed for divorce and it had recently become final. But during that time, he moved in with his "friend".

I just found that the dad is now going to marry this "friend" - two of the sons don't want to attend, but the one that I know feels he has to. He doesn't want to but feels he should to "support" his father.

He asked me if he should go but I won't say yay or nay. I told him I would ask you guys for your opinions and he wants to see your thoughts.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:14 PM   #5
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It's a tough call. My boss remarried a few years ago and his daughter did not attend. So he proceed to cut off his financial support and pretty much disown her. Not that he was ever a good father to begin with. His daughter didn't want to go out of respect for her mother. And also she was very angry at him. It's a tough situation which probably doesn't have a "right" answer. Either way may produce good or bad results.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:16 PM   #6
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Stay with mom, dont attend the wedding, and clearly explain to dad that he must earn the support back.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:16 PM   #7
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It seems as though your friend's father just got up and left. If I were him, I wouldn't go. Yes, that is his father but, at the same time, he disrespected his sons and his wife by seeing this new "friend" while still being married with the mother of his sons. I could only imagine how the sons feel. Goodness, I don't know if I would be able to see my father in the same light if he did this to my family.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:17 PM   #8
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or- kiss the ass that sh!ts the most cash

if you dont care about ethics and such
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Old 07-19-07, 04:21 PM   #9
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It's up to him....was his father really that bad to them all?

I know that sounds like a "STFU cat" question.....but IMO being an a-hole is forgivable, but doing things specifically to hurt others is a whole different story. It all depends on that one detail, did he just not love her anymore and forgot to think about her, or did he do this just to hurt her?

If it was the former, I'd say suck it up and go anyways....the latter, heck no.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:22 PM   #10
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I'm sorry, is this happening to you, too?
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Old 07-19-07, 04:24 PM   #11
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I don't really understand some of the posts in here. Generally, bike people tend to care more, be forgiving, enjoy the simple things. Why are some people so ready to write off the dad? I think a lot more info is needed and this is something that the family should decide. If one of the sons listens to you and loses his father from his life as a result then that is on your head. Not a weight I'd like to carry.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:26 PM   #12
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I'm sorry, is this happening to you, too?
Maybe some hooked on phonics will help him out.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:27 PM   #13
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Vote for most worthless post of 2007. Props to you for sucking at life.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:29 PM   #14
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Maybe some hooked on phonics will help him out.
Ehhh. He doesn't like me - picks on what I have to say. He always has something negative in his heart. But it's okay. I like emo kids.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:33 PM   #15
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Life is to short to go around with negativity in the heart.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:36 PM   #16
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I don't really understand some of the posts in here. Generally, bike people tend to care more, be forgiving, enjoy the simple things. Why are some people so ready to write off the dad? I think a lot more info is needed and this is something that the family should decide. If one of the sons listens to you and loses his father from his life as a result then that is on your head. Not a weight I'd like to carry.
Exactly why I said to only skip the wedding if he did what he did just to hurt her....because if he was actually malicious, then he's probably not curable.

I went through something far worse (no, I won't talk about it), and now I'm pretty good with my dad.....we don't see eye to eye on about anything, and get into arguments fairly regularly over stuff (our ways of doing things are that much apart...I'm literally the opposite of him, it's mostly him arguing because he cares...he's a grouch, that's what grouches do)....but at the end of the day we get along pretty well.

My mom never got over it, but she tends to hold grudges....I honestly wished she wouldn't, it's not good for one's mind to be like that. I used to be that person, but I found it takes too much energy to stay pissed off at everything.

At the end of the day, he has to base it on who his father is, not what he's done....and why he did it is a serious indicator of just that.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:38 PM   #17
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I don't really understand some of the posts in here. Generally, bike people tend to care more, be forgiving, enjoy the simple things. Why are some people so ready to write off the dad? I think a lot more info is needed and this is something that the family should decide. If one of the sons listens to you and loses his father from his life as a result then that is on your head. Not a weight I'd like to carry.
Which is why I never said either way. He wanted to know what other people think. He's really confused. And yes, the relationship with the dad had never been the best example of loving.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:42 PM   #18
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It would depend on the relationship of the particular son to his father. And, in any case, totally up to the son. Perhaps son should initiate some serious emo convo with the father, after which he'd probably know what to do. The feelings of mom shouldn't be a part of this equation, as she is ultimately responsible for her own feelings, and must clearly see that her son has the right to maintain a relationship with his dad.... Just my two cents'....
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Old 07-19-07, 04:44 PM   #19
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Good point, Vega. I had mentioned to him that maybe he should try one on one time with dad and he said that it would end up in an argument and very ugly. And that is the last thing he wants is to have his dad dislike him even more. I think because he has seen mom fall apart and how the family tried to stay strong made it even harder for him.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:44 PM   #20
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It's going to be sad if choosing one means losing the other though. If mom holds it against son that he goes to the wedding then it's not fair. I hope that isn't the case. Like you said VV, they need to talk.
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Old 07-19-07, 04:54 PM   #21
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Tough to say. A marriage falling apart is rarely one parties fault. Without knowing the whole story I’d say he’s only got one Dad and should probably go but in the end he certainly doesn’t have to if it feels wrong.
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Old 07-19-07, 05:15 PM   #22
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Siu:
I think your friend should think long and hard before deciding not to go the father's wedding. The relationship with one's parents, even if way less than perfect, is a very important one, regardless of age. I would hate to see your friend jeopardize that without having given the matter serious thought and without having slept on it for more than a few nights.

Like you, I'm not saying one way or the other whether he should go to Dad's wedding - only he can ultimately weigh all the factors. And Lord knows, I have known some folks who have cut one or both parents off with ample reason. But I do have a pretty strong bias that says he should start with the assumption that he will go. I think that, absent a truly cosmically f***ed up relationship with his father, he will be better off for it in the long run.

And so I am clear, I say this because it's what my gut tells me is best for your friend, not the father.

As for the new wife-to-be, I hope she feels secure knowing that the one attribute she can be absolutely positive her new hubby has is the willingness to cheat on his wife.
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Old 07-19-07, 05:27 PM   #23
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But he is also fearing the wrath from his mom or his brothers should he go.
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Old 07-19-07, 05:33 PM   #24
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Chiming in late... as usual. But here's my two cents.

One of the hardest things to do is to keep seperate relationships, and for people to understand what you are doing when you do.

Case in point. Your friend parents have ended their relationship with each other, but not with your friend. It is possible and quite healthy to continue to hold seperate relationships with each parent on it's own merit.

Both parents are respected this way. If one parent were to start in with the melodrama of "If you love me you wouldn't do "X" with your mother/father. That is manipulative and controling behaviour and should bve addressed with that parent immediatly.

Neither parent needs to "earn" anything, but rather all parties must strive to maintain healthy. individual relationships.

I gotta agree with Bikingshearer... The new wife is getting on with a cheater.
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Old 07-19-07, 05:40 PM   #25
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Not enough info, and I couldn't really expect you to write a whole book about it. No one here knows what the mother and father's relationship was like. Or the rest of the family's for that matter. I have seen cases where people on the outside would think "what an SOB for abandoning his family like that." But there was far more going on, mental illness of the mother, alcohol abuse, you name it.

He is going to have to decide for himself. But if it was simply the father left for greener pastures, I'd have to decline the invitation.
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