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Old 09-02-07, 07:44 PM   #1
karmical
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finally @ long last, my first born...

i've lived my life with few regrets, wtf life is what it is, you can either live it or spend it in sorrow within thoughts of things that you can not control, but happen.

take for instance, my first born son...

things just didn't work out between his mother and myself, truth be told, its probably mostly my fault.

being as young as i was, i was not ready for the balance of power between service to ones country and the balance of trying to have a family.

it took me a long time to come full circle with this, but at long last my X wife and i have moved one and finally i get the chance to have my first son come out and stay awhile and get to know his old man.

gawd, the **** i've put that boy through, in service... he's seen that side of me that i wish never existed, but is part of me.

now he's a young man of 18, and we get to come together and i get to show him another view of life...

words can not describe the feelings.

wtf do you do with a 18yo...

i mean i have some serious talk time set aside, going to take him up the coast into eagle country and have "the talk" which is merely just **** that's been on my mind and stuff i know he wants to know..

kind of the **** i talked to my dad on his deathbed, even given the bs that was going on, father to grown son **** is awesome.

just stuff on my mind, and within my heart...


wtf do you do with a 18yo?
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Old 09-02-07, 07:48 PM   #2
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I dunno. But, given that he's just 18, and all things being equal, barring accident and disease processes, you have a lot of time to get to know him yet. Don't lay everything on him at his tender age of 18. Just relax, and get to know him, and let him get to know you, eh? Plenty of time to let him develop his questions, and, if he doesn't, you can always ask him what he wants to know later....

Edit: Sometimes the son doesn't want to know, sometimes he does. You have to either ask (and risk not gettin' a straight answer because men don't work that way ) or just put a hook out there and let him grab it or not (like: "Guess you have a few questions about the way things worked out....").
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Old 09-02-07, 08:36 PM   #3
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Ditto with Vega. Don't try and cover 18 years in one day. My parents divorced around when I was 5 and moved around a lot after that. Honestly didn't really get to know my Dad until I was late teens and young adult and we have a great relationship. You can't change the past so move forward and don't force anything upon him. You'll soon enough find out you're (hopefully) both men now and time to move on.
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Old 09-02-07, 09:00 PM   #4
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Allow him into you. And step gently with him. He will be able to see the human being that has survived and will understand. He will respect that. But you have to absorb him as well. See him. Learn who he is. Let himself BE himself and then see yourself in him too. 18 years....so much to share, so much to learn. Let the time take over itself and don't feel obligated for explanations right now unless he asks. Le things come naturally. Time heals all kinds of hurt. And with this time, you have as much of it as you and he allows.

You'll be okay. Just be honest with him. And love him. Love him lots.

Enjoy your son.
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Old 09-02-07, 10:19 PM   #5
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Go out for some good food? 18 year old guys eat a lot, as I recall.
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Old 09-02-07, 10:32 PM   #6
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Buy him a beer.
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Old 09-02-07, 10:37 PM   #7
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It's great that you are moving closer together, simply because you want to. Common ground and life can also help bring you closer to learning what his dreams are...
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Old 09-02-07, 10:40 PM   #8
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OMG Kendall, what else is there? Take him for a ride... on a fixed gear.

I'm glad you finally get to know him.
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Old 09-02-07, 10:42 PM   #9
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Time. That is what I learned from my dad not being part of my life for many years. Just don't try to do it all in one day. At first maybe he wants to know about you and his mom. And why you left. As he warms up to you he will want to know the real father/son stuff you've been missing out on for so long.
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Old 09-03-07, 12:49 AM   #10
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OMG Kendall, what else is there? Take him for a ride... on a fixed gear.
nice long fixed ride if he is down, which i hope he is, since we've talked about my cycling.

going to schedule time get some father/son fresh ink, plus he's really into music, so it'll be an excuse to go out and catch some live stuff in the bay area.

not trying to make up time or anything like that, just going to spend some one on one time together as we have talked, just haven't seen each other in like forever.
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Old 09-03-07, 12:58 AM   #11
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Beats me. Spend time with him. Make him remember the things you've done together and the lessons you've taught him. I guess that's when you become more of a friend with authority than a father in the traditional understanding. No idea though.
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Old 09-03-07, 04:46 AM   #12
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Titty bar!
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Old 09-04-07, 06:43 PM   #13
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I loathe titty bars with almost the same intensity that I love titties.
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Old 09-04-07, 07:50 PM   #14
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I loathe titty bars with almost the same intensity that I love titties.
well said!
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Old 09-04-07, 08:03 PM   #15
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What the others have said is all good. I have a slight twist to add, though.

Time is the key in two ways. One, there will have to be a passage of a certain amount of it to develop a really close bond, as with most any human relationship worht having.

Two, make sure a good portion of the time you and he have together is unstructured. I've been very fortunate to have been in my 17 year old son's life all along, and I am here to tell you that many, and perhaps most, of the best moments come when you haven't planned a thing and a conversation, a game, a special moment just . . . happens. These can't be scripted and they really can't be planned, except tp make sure there is some "empty" time together in which they can happen.

Good luck, and good for you. This is likely to take a while, but it is great for both of you that you're making the connection. It ought to be a great ride - just don't expect to be able to predict where it will lead.
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Old 09-05-07, 09:16 AM   #16
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I loathe titty bars with almost the same intensity that I love titties.
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Old 09-05-07, 09:29 AM   #17
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Congratulations on a new lease on life with your son. Treasure the time and build that relationship...slowly. They'll be bumps but that's OK.
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