* How can I leave Baltimore at 8:30 a.m. and get to Chicago at 8:35 a.m. when the flight takes an hour? (The plane flies really, really fast.)
* Do I need to carry on my carry-on bags or can I check them? (Why not check yourself and let the bags have the seat?)
* When am I going to receive my paper copy of the electronic ticket? (Uhm, what part of the word "electronic" has escaped you?)
* Well, how will they know who I am if all I have is my photo ID? (Uhm ... ma'am, you forget we have the TSA manning security now.)
* How much is a train to Jamaica? (We are sold out, but if you call Amtrak, they have space. Be sure to ask for a seat on the left side of the train so you don't miss the Lost City of Atlantis on the way down.)
* What language do they speak in England? (Swahili. Would you like to purchase our "Learn Swahili in 10 Easy Steps" manual?)
* The water is murky. I did not come to Jamaica to swim in murky water. (As I recall, a Category 4 hurricane just pelted the island and yet you insisted that you had to go. Right?)
* The hotel would have been fine but all the employees were speaking Spanish. (The next time you are in Mexico, we will order some French-speaking Mexicans for your convenience.)
* Does the water go all the way around this island? (Not on Tuesdays.)
* Is Canada still the largest state? (They seem to think so.)
* Is this a wide-body plane? (Yes.) Good, because my mother has a big butt. (I imagine this was followed by a swift upper cut.)
* Don't they take American Express? (No, in China they take only French francs, but we still need to get you a visa.)
* Why do I need to change clothes in Chicago? (Planes, ma'am. Planes. You change planes in Chicago.)
* Do these stairs go up? (Not this set, sir. The up stairs are on the lower level.)
* How do they get power to the ship? (Very long extension cords.)
* Do you know what time the midnight buffet starts? (They are cutting costs, so now it is offered between 4:30 a.m. and 4:35 a.m.)
* Does it rain in the rain forest? (Does a bear shi ... oh, never mind.)
* Will the 24-hour café be open if I need to get a bite at 6 a.m.? (Ask the woman in line for the midnight buffet.)
* Where is the best spot to watch the fireworks in London on the Fourth of July? (Come on, Yank. Just think about this for a nanosecond.)
* My friend told me about a great hotel in Italy and it begins with a "B." (I know exactly which one it is. Can I have your credit card please?)
* I am a vegetarian. Do they have vegetables in Kenya? (It is a strange thing in Africa, countries with two vowels in their names are vegetableless. It is just like some dry counties here in the United States.)
* I am an advanced beginner rider. (Would that be "beginning to be advanced," or "advanced for beginning"?)
* Please send a quote for a weeklong Costa Rica package with adventure in the jungle. (One helicopter drop coming up.)
* Do I need a passport to go to Hawaii? (No, just a clue.)
* If I convert $1,000 to the local currency, how much is it in U.S. dollars? (Sir, the Wharton School is on the line for you. They have an opening.)
Not wrong subforum in my book....I would prefer jokes here instead of the useless joke forum, but that's my opinion.
------------------------------------------- Australian Version
Australian Tourism: questions answered
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website. Obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies.....just trying to help:
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?
(UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Originally Posted by coffeecake
- it's pretty well established that Hitler was an *******.