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Old 09-16-07, 09:37 AM   #1
bhtooefr
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Gah, tell me what I'm doing is right (or wrong, or whatever) - LONG

Edit 2: Moar updates. You were all right. Note to self: this was a bad idea.

Edit: This is an old post. You're seeing this because I finally got around to posting an update - it's on page 2. Original post follows:

Here's the deal.

I've got a female friend that I've known for a few years now. She's probably my closest friend, in fact. We've got a LOT in common, we've got a lot of the same issues (mental issues, that is... *sigh*,) and we seem to understand each other on a very deep level. (enough with the sappy crap, eh? )

And, for most of the time that we've been friends, I'm almost certain she's been interested in me, and I've been interested in her. In fact, she came VERY close to telling me that she would dump her BF for me. Unfortunately, I didn't quite realize what she was saying until it was too late, and also, I wasn't really ready for a relationship.

About a year and a half ago, she got pregnant, and had the kid.

As soon as I heard she was pregnant, I backed WAY the hell off, for obvious reasons. We were still friends, though.

Once, when we were talking (I think she was interested in me again, but I was still staying away, trying to find someone else,) she had mentioned that her BF took out his anger towards their kid on her, verbally, and her house (they do live together, though, but it's HER house) physically. (Apparently she's had to have some drywall replaced because of him... ) I told her that wasn't right at all, but...

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that she IS a coworker. Our jobs are completely different, though, no matter how many times she gets a computer to work that I can't (she gives me crap about that now and then. Oh, and it was just ONE computer. ) (I'm the computer technician, she's the bookkeeper.)

Anyway, our company moved locations this summer. So, both of us took the opportunity to talk with each other more. Anyway, she started SERIOUSLY flirting with me. And, we found out a lot more about each other, became even closer friends.

Now, here's the seriously tricky part. They hired her BF on as maintenance staff. But, that hasn't really presented a problem, yet.

Anyway, one day, I hadn't stayed hydrated, and it was 95 F out, and we had very little air conditioning at work (and none, where I was working.) I was going around, and this flashing spot formed in my eye, like I had just looked into a bright lightbulb, except I hadn't, and it was getting bigger, not smaller and going away. I got some water, and told her about it, and she told me to go sit in front of a fan for a while. I also closed my eyes for a while.

She kept checking on how I was doing, too.

After about, oh, an hour or so, the spot was going away.

Instead, the worst headache I ever had came on. (I was later told that this was a hydration migraine.) I tried to find some Tylenol, but failed.

A few minutes later, she came in, and asked how I was feeling... I told her, "well, I can see now, but I feel like ****." The pain was so bad, I was tearing up just trying to talk.

She told me to just call it a day, and go home, and get some rest. I told her, I couldn't drive in this state... so I guess I'd just sleep in my car. So, she instead arranged for me to be taken to her mom's place, with COLD air conditioning and a comfy couch. THAT did the trick, an hour later, the headache went away. I called her, and she came and picked me up. She told me that she had unloaded all of the computer stuff that I was moving from the old building for me, and that she had even gotten some stuff moved herself. Damn, the girl even did my job for me when I was sick!

Anyway, a few days later, the stress of the job got to me, and I handed in my resignation. NOBODY there wanted me to quit, but... I had to, there was too much stress. I told her I was going to do it, about an hour before I did it, and she didn't think I was serious. (She had talked about it some before, but because she doesn't have a college degree, she knew she couldn't get a similar job easily. I could get a BETTER paying job rather easily.) The next day, I came in and told everyone when my last day was, and she was extremely shocked, and worried (I didn't have another job lined up or anything...) I can't prove anything, but I *THINK* she might have pulled some strings to get them to offer me an extreme raise, and try to convince me to not quit. (It worked, FWIW.)

Also, a couple weeks ago, she told me that her BF got caught driving under suspension, and that she'd now have to be his personal taxi service (because if he got caught again, he'd get 60 days in jail,) and she seemed EXTREMELY unhappy about that. And, half of the time I see them together, they're fighting. A lot of the time, she's telling me about the latest crap that he puts her through.

The other day, I was in her office, talking with her, and she had her kid in this little car walker thing... he kept bumping it into me (hmm, should I post in A&S, saying a car hit me multiple times on purpose the other day? ,) and she said that he liked me. And, that's the first kid that I've been around that I didn't hate.

Anyway, basically, she's everything I've been looking for. Great personality, we connect on a very deep level, physically my type, and god damn those green eyes just pierce right through me.

Anyway, I had talked with some other friends, and they suggested that I tell her (when she's complaining about her BF) something along the lines of, "you're awesome, and you don't deserve to go through that crap..." and just walk away. And, I don't think I actually want her to dump her BF for me - I want her to dump her BF, get used to being single for a while, THEN go for me - I don't want to be either a rebound **** or a drop-in replacement for her BF.

Thoughts?

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Old 09-16-07, 09:48 AM   #2
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Go for it dude!
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Old 09-16-07, 01:02 PM   #3
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You could be the best thing that for her. Seriously. Don't walk away, that hurts everyone. Let her know, and then she needs to make a decision. I don't care to hear the abuse she's putting up with, especially with a young kid involved. Just IMHO.
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Old 09-16-07, 01:06 PM   #4
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By walk away, FWIW, they meant walk away from the conversation and let her think about it, not walk away from the situation.

I do have to be very careful with all of this, considering that we all work at the same company. And, as I said, I want her to be single for a while before she starts dating me - I want her to take care of some of her baggage on her own, not pile it on me, that'd be the worst possible outcome for ALL involved, I suspect.
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Old 09-16-07, 04:22 PM   #5
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Sounds like you are thinking things out well. Best I can say is to let her know how you feel.....and be straight with her. Let her know that you want things to develop in a healthy manner with her for both of your sakes as well as the kids sake, presuming that a relationship does start.
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Old 09-16-07, 04:55 PM   #6
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And, I don't think I actually want her to dump her BF for me - I want her to dump her BF, get used to being single for a while, THEN go for me - I don't want to be either a rebound **** or a drop-in replacement for her BF.
I think you're wise to be cautious.

Just to add to what Tom said: the woman may break up with her boyfriend, but it is less likely the boyfriend will break off his relationship with his son. The BF will likely be part of your life if you and the woman get together. Also, since you normally "hate" children, for the boy's sake go slowly in entering his life.

And for your own sake, too. The cute toy car-driving shtick might have been a clever ruse.

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Old 09-16-07, 05:06 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Krink
Also, since you normally "hate" children, for the boy's sake go slowly in entering his life.
Don't worry, I know that. And, I suspect she's slowly introducing him to me. (She knows how I am with kids, because before she got pregnant, she was the same way.)

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but it is less likely the boyfriend will break off his relationship with his son. The BF will likely be part of your life if you and the woman get together.
Now that is most likely true... *sigh* Especially because, before she got pregnant, she told me that he wanted kids, and she didn't.

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The cute car-driving shtick might have been a clever ruse.
The kid's 7 months old, I highly doubt that she had him do that.
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Old 09-16-07, 05:40 PM   #8
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That's some ice which you can never really be sure of the thickness. I would tread lightly off of it.

Odds-
*Everything works out for you and her and the BF behaves like an adult- 1000/1
*You end up in the deep end of the baby mama drama pool with no flotation device- 1.5/1
*I'm just a schmuck who knows not whereof he speaks- (bookies won't touch that action)

Seriously, good luck.
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Old 09-16-07, 05:41 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bhtooefr View Post
About a year and a half ago, she got pregnant, and had the kid.

As soon as I heard she was pregnant, I backed WAY the hell off, for obvious reasons. We were still friends, though.

Once, when we were talking (I think she was interested in me again, but I was still staying away, trying to find someone else,) she had mentioned that her BF took out his anger towards their kid on her, verbally, and her house (they do live together, though, but it's HER house) physically. (Apparently she's had to have some drywall replaced because of him... ) I told her that wasn't right at all, but...
as positive as I'd like to sound, all I can say is get away as soon as possible. look at the above statement - that's the kid's father. he'll always be involved one way or another with her.

do yourself a favor and keep her as a good friend and keep looking for someone else.
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Old 09-16-07, 06:33 PM   #10
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Do keep in mind, I would want her to wait a while after leaving her BF, before moving to me. One of the many reasons is to see just how the drama will be - if there's too much, I'll stay away.
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Old 09-16-07, 08:47 PM   #11
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Sounds like there might be some co-dependency going on here, which isn't a good thing.

Make sure it's not the "damsel in distress" and "safe guy friend" thing going on.
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Old 09-16-07, 08:55 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skiahh
Make sure it's not the "damsel in distress" and "safe guy friend" thing going on.
I think my technique will work quite nicely.

If she doesn't dump her boyfriend, I can either assume she's an idiot, playing me, or trapped in her relationship with her BF to the point that there's WAY too much baggage, and I should run away anyway.
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Old 09-16-07, 09:13 PM   #13
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Make sure it's not the "damsel in distress" and "safe guy friend" thing going on.
+1 .. not want ..
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Old 09-16-07, 09:29 PM   #14
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You're sounding scarily serious here, Krink!

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Originally Posted by Krink View Post
I think you're wise to be cautious.

Just to add to what Tom said: the woman may break up with her boyfriend, but it is less likely the boyfriend will break off his relationship with his son. The BF will likely be part of your life if you and the woman get together. Also, since you normally "hate" children, for the boy's sake go slowly in entering his life.

And for your own sake, too. The cute toy car-driving shtick might have been a clever ruse.
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Old 09-16-07, 10:10 PM   #15
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I'm with Wacker and king on this one:

Walk away, run away, drive away.

This girl has already made and continues to make some really bad decisions.

Don't get sucked in by this eddy.
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Old 09-17-07, 04:15 AM   #16
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Well, I still WANT to pursue this further (ever had that feeling, that a woman is just almost perfect for you?,) and I've come up with some ways to protect myself (and her, and her son) against anyone making bad moves - note that I don't want her dumping her BF for me, I want her to dump her BF for her own sake and her son's sake, and then stay single for a while, get used to that, and all of that BEFORE dating me. Not only does that give her a chance to think about stuff, and not expect a replacement for her BF, but rather someone different, but that also gives me a chance to see how much drama there'll be, and all of that before making a move. And, also, to prepare myself for the changes that would come along with me dating her.

And, as I said, if she doesn't dump her BF knowing that I'm NOT interested in dating her right away, but that the grass really IS greener on the other side, then I know something's up, too.
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Old 09-17-07, 05:37 AM   #17
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I understand the fear of being a rebound, but this is not such a case.

Be straight and honest with her. It seems pretty clear to me that she wants to be with you, though how much of that she is willing to admit to herself is unclear. She needs to pluck up the courage to do it.

The longer she stays in that relationship the worse it will get, and the more difficult it will be to extricate herself both physically and psychologically from it.

You could be the couple that are made for each other. Ask her if she wants to spend the rest of her life in the "wonderful" situation she's found herself in with that "wonderful" man. I don't know what's stopping her, but the answer seems pretty obvious to me.

So: your rebound fears are groundless, but I totally agree with the benefit of a break between relationships.

Most importantly: let her know the score, then step back. She needs to know she can't use you as a comfort blanket to hide her stupid decisions and problems. But you may also to well to make it clear where you stand. Who knows, maybe she always wanted to but was afraid because you never gave her any clues that you were interested.


oh, and +100 to post #11. Saviour Syndrome is powerful and dangerous. Trust me. That you are the closest of friends, and still nothing has happened between you two and she has also gotten involved in these other problems, tells me that something is awry there.

p.s. I trust that the scenario you paint is honest and objective, and not skewed to be the way you wish to see things.
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Old 09-17-07, 05:56 AM   #18
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That you are the closest of friends, and still nothing has happened between you two and she has also gotten involved in these other problems, tells me that something is awry there.
Well, there is the fact that I haven't made a move because I've got an issue with making moves (especially when, for example, the girl I'm interested in does have a boyfriend) - I've never had the confidence to really make a move, until recently. And, she's told me she's got the same problem. (This was before she got pregnant, when I think we were both trying to get one to make a move on the other... pathetic, really. )
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Old 09-17-07, 10:29 AM   #19
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Life is short, GO FOR IT!!! How you do it is another question altogether...
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Old 09-17-07, 11:01 AM   #20
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It's a delicate situation, but I think you'll be kicking yourself if you didn't at least give it a shot. Seems that you have known this person long enough to have a chance to think about whether she is right for you, which is a good thing. I think that as her close friend and confidant, you would be helping her by offering your insight and advice and encouraging her to leave a potentially more dangerous situation for her child's sake and equally important, her own sake. Because of what you described as an innate closeness in your relationship, I think that provides a place where you can let her know how you feel and get that out in the open.

It's easy for us as outsiders to see that leaving her boyfriend is the easiest and most logical thing to do, but it's probably a lot different in her perspective. She may feel tied to him because he is the father of the child, she may be dependent on him in practical ways such as financial reasons, or she may be scared that she would have a hard time attracting a good person with her "baggage" (if that is the right term for it?).

You are in a unique place to offer reassurance, acceptance, and encouragement - as someone that undoubtedly cares about her, help her realize and get out of a volatile relationship and go from there.

Best of luck to you!
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Old 09-17-07, 11:06 AM   #21
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Decide what you want, then tell her. One way or the other.
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Old 09-17-07, 11:29 AM   #22
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Anyway, one day, I hadn't stayed hydrated, and it was 95 F out, and we had very little air conditioning at work (and none, where I was working.) I was going around, and this flashing spot formed in my eye, like I had just looked into a bright lightbulb, except I hadn't, and it was getting bigger, not smaller and going away. I got some water, and told her about it, and she told me to go sit in front of a fan for a while. I also closed my eyes for a while.

She kept checking on how I was doing, too.

After about, oh, an hour or so, the spot was going away.

Instead, the worst headache I ever had came on. (I was later told that this was a hydration migraine.) I tried to find some Tylenol, but failed.
This is related to migraines but doesn't have to happen at the same time, and for some (like me) it is never followed by a regular migraine. I get these (losing vision gradually in the centre of the field of view, and then the edges of the "blind spot" begin to flicker with all the colours of the rainbow in zig-zag patterns, while the blind spot expands and thins out gradually over the course of 30-60 minutes) when I haven't had enough to eat and/or drink during the day.

It's completely harmless, I've been told by a top neurologist. I get it maybe once a year on average.
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Old 09-17-07, 01:46 PM   #23
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Oh, how cute. It's like Pam and Jim from The Office! I love that show.
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Old 09-17-07, 01:52 PM   #24
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Be honest with your feelings with each other and see where it goes from there.
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Old 09-17-07, 01:54 PM   #25
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Don't be someone's backup plan.
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