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Old 09-17-07, 10:01 AM   #1
pjrocco
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Divorce...

So this is more of a vent than anything, but opinions are welcome.

I've known my wife for 8 years and have been married for 5 years. In the time we have known each other she has had probably nine different jobs. She has been at her current job for almost 2 years now. (longest she has ever held a job for) This morning she tells me that she is going to work this job part time and get another job as a waitress since she doesn't like her current job any more. Every time she does this, she ends up quitting and we end up struggling till she gets another job.

We have a nice house, nice cars, three kids, some dogs and we live a pretty nice life. I make just about 70k a year and she makes about 18k. My salary goes to everything and hers basically pays for daycare for the children and her school loans. Money is always an issue because we do live comfortably, but there is none left over for anything else. We basically live paycheck to paycheck. We have very little debt and we keep it that way.

My problem is I make all the money, I do most the cleaning, take care of the kids and animals, do most of the cooking, all the yard work and run the show. All she has to do is work her 36 hours a week, do the laundry and help me out. I never really ask for anything more. If I don't do it nothing gets done and I can't stand dirty floors, dirty laundry on the floor, dirty bathroom, dishes pilling up in the stink, etc...

My days are pretty much like this: wake up, get ready, get the kids ready, feed the animals, take the animals out, put the animals away, take the kids to school/daycare, go to work, work all day, pick the kids up, come home, let the dogs out, play/walk the dogs, feed the animals, get dinner started, clean up, eat, clean up, let the dogs out, clean up, have a beer, shower and then go to sleep.

Within the last 6 months she has done nothing but whine, moan, complain and cry. She hates her job, she freaks out about doing things around the house, whines about have to care for the animals and kids, cries because she feel worthless at her job and stressed out because of it. All she wants to do is come home from work and sit on her ass. If you ask her to do anything she throws a fit and cries or complains she never ever gets a break to relax.

I've talked to her tons of times about it, but she just won't stop. I'm to the point I'm either going to punch her in the face or shoot myself in the head. I know what she wants and needs, but it can't be done. No one can just work a job and then do nothing, especially when you have your own house, with kids and animals.

I'm pretty much at a lost and I refuse to live my life like this... She has seen a doctor and the doctor says it's just stress and she needs to relax a bit more.
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Old 09-17-07, 10:05 AM   #2
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I would give you some good advice if I were capable of following my own. I wish you luck, in any case.
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Old 09-17-07, 10:06 AM   #3
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sorry to hear...have you considered marriage counciling?
May not work, but with 3 kids, its worth a shot.
just my 2 cents.
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Old 09-17-07, 10:10 AM   #4
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As a lazy person, I gotta say that if you let us be lazy, we will. Every time.

She's your wife, not your kid. You aren't responsible for raising her and teaching her good habits. And by letting her be lazy, you'll be inadvertently be teaching your kids that they can get by with being lazy. I say cut the dead weight loose. I've never been much on giving ultimatums. Just cut and dry. But be prepared to take it in the pooper if/when you decide to go through with it.

EDIT: As stated above, the marriage counseling would probably be a good idea. It might work. It might not. But at least you'd be on record as trying to reconcile the problems.
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Old 09-17-07, 10:11 AM   #5
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Have you had her to a doctor to check for depression? It sounds like a form of depression.
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Old 09-17-07, 10:12 AM   #6
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sorry to hear...have you considered marriage counciling?
May not work, but with 3 kids, its worth a shot.
just my 2 cents.
I second this suggestion. Of course I don't know why she is even working if her salary just pays for day care. Seems like you could take the kids out of day care and be even.
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Old 09-17-07, 10:14 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by pjrocco View Post

I'm to the point I'm either going to punch her in the face or shoot myself in the head.
It's been my experience that statements like this cannot be taken lightly. You both need help, seriously.
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Old 09-17-07, 10:15 AM   #8
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It's been my experience that statements like this cannot be taken lightly. You both need help, seriously.
Hyperbole.
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Old 09-17-07, 10:20 AM   #9
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Best of luck, I'll attach a link that may give food for thought. I've found that the nicest house, cars and stuff make life too stressful for me, and everyone around me, think about this:
http://www.getmoredone.com/tips7.html
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Old 09-17-07, 10:23 AM   #10
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Maybe you own too much crap? Ask your wife if she'd prefer to exchange more time and savings for smaller house, one car, less cleaning.

I'm not sure you need counseling as much as cross-cultural mediation.

[Edit: Shifty beat me to the same thought]
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Old 09-17-07, 10:27 AM   #11
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Cut your losses and dump her. It's like a tooth extraction without novicane... It hurts like hell for a while then you heal and feel so much better for it.

Trust me, been there.
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Old 09-17-07, 10:40 AM   #12
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Sounds like a loon. Try counseling, if she won't go then cut your losses. She cannot respect you if she cannot first respect herself.

There are tons of woman out there, don't live a miserable life.
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Old 09-17-07, 10:48 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pjrocco View Post
We have a nice house, nice cars, three kids, some dogs and we live a pretty nice life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shifty View Post
I've found that the nicest house, cars and stuff make life too stressful for me, and everyone around me
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Originally Posted by Krink View Post
Maybe you own too much crap? Ask your wife if she'd prefer to exchange more time and savings for smaller house, one car, less cleaning.
This was my first thought as well. You say you live comfortably, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Perhaps you should consider simplifying. You need not become uncomfortable to do so. Smaller, cheaper house, less junk in general, cheaper (and possibly fewer) cars that you don't have to make payments on... If you simplify enough, she may not need to work outside the home (if she doesn't want to), and you may even be able to afford to hire a maid to stop by once in a while, if you still need such a thing.
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Old 09-17-07, 10:56 AM   #14
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This was my first thought as well. You say you live comfortably, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Perhaps you should consider simplifying. You need not become uncomfortable to do so. Smaller, cheaper house, less junk in general, cheaper (and possibly fewer) cars that you don't have to make payments on... If you simplify enough, she may not need to work outside the home (if she doesn't want to), and you may even be able to afford to hire a maid to stop by once in a while, if you still need such a thing.
[Damn. I still am unable to post original posts in most threads. What is goin' on with Foo/BF?! ]

Anyway, OP, +1 here, and I suspect your wife is suffering from depression. Find another doctor. I've experienced these same symptoms this past year, for different reasons, but it all comes down to potential depression. Acknowledge that she is suffering, and get some good MD recommendations from your friends. I know you want to support her, and I know you love her.

Good luck, baybuh. ((hugs))
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Old 09-17-07, 11:09 AM   #15
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Have you had her to a doctor to check for depression? It sounds like a form of depression.
Beat me to it...

You say you took her to a Doctor, what kind?

I certainly am not a psychologist nor do i know your wife ...but these seem to be some pretty obvious signs, maybe you could spot others.

Straight from the DSM-IV
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DSM IV

Major Depressive Episode

A. Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.

Note: Do note include symptoms that are clearly due to a general medical condition, or mood-incongruent delusions or hallucinations.

(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.

(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others)

(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.

(4) insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day

(5) psychomotor agitation or *********** nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)

(6) fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day

(7) feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)

(8) diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)

(9) recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

B. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode.

C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism).

E. The symptoms are not better accounted for by Bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor ***********.

Major Depressive Disorder


Single Episode

A. Presence of a single Major Depressive Episode

B. The Major Depressive Episode is not better accounted for by Schizoaffective Disorder and is not superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

C. There has never been a Manic Episode, a Mixed Episode, or a Hypomanic Episode. Note: This exclusion does not apply if all the manic-like, mixed-like, or hypomanic-like episodes are substance or treatment induced or are due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition.

Recurrent

A. Presence of two or more Major Depressive Episodes.

Note: To be considered separate episodes, there must be an interval of at least 2 consecutive months in which criteria are not met for a Major Depressive Episode.

B. The Major Depressive Episodes are not better accounted for by Schizoaffective Disorder and are not superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

C. There has never been a Manic Episode, a Mixed Episode, or a Hypomanic Episode. Note: This exclusion does not apply if all the manic-like, mixed-like, or hypomanic-like episodes are substance or treatment induced or are due to the direct physiological effects or a general medical condition.

Specify (for current or most recent episode):
Severity/Psychotic/Remission Specifiers
Chronic
With Catatonic Features
With Atypical Features
With Postpartum Onset

Specify
Longitudinal Course Specifiers (With and Without Interepisode Recovery)
With Seasonal Pattern
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Old 09-17-07, 11:09 AM   #16
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If you have no debt, why are you working? Might be some perception issues here. I understand your frustration and it may not be so clear to your wife. I agree with KT & VV, there's some emotional and depression issues with your wife and you can't cut through that with logic. You need to change how she feels first before her behavior will change. Good luck!
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Old 09-17-07, 11:21 AM   #17
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yeah, your wife sounds depressed. Have her checked out.
Counseling is a good idea too.

With 3 kids it's definitely worth trying everything before you throw in the towel.
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Old 09-17-07, 11:34 AM   #18
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I'm to the point I'm either going to punch her in the face or shoot myself in the head. I know what she wants and needs, but it can't be done. No one can just work a job and then do nothing, especially when you have your own house, with kids and animals.

I'm pretty much at a lost and I refuse to live my life like this... She has seen a doctor and the doctor says it's just stress and she needs to relax a bit more.

I know where you're coming from, and for the kids' sake I second the counselling idea.
I was married for 5 years, separated for 1.5, and divorced this spring. No kids to throw into the equation, but the ex became an expert hypochondriac as time went on. She was always well enough to go for (even more) schooling, but always found some chronic condition to keep her from getting a job or doing anything around the house, so I worked 2 (sometimes 3) jobs to keep up with bills and I did everything around the house. When I brought up the prospect that the doctor she might want to see wasn't one for any physical ailment, that's when things really went to hell (I'm guessing because I had called her on her game, and she was angry about that.)
What you need to do is make sure that the situation gets under control before it becomes too detrimental to your own physical/mental health. I was in the ER twice with exhaustive dehydration in the course of 8 months, because the only liquids I put in my body contained either caffeine (to keep going on 90 hour work weeks) or alcohol (to combat the massive amounts of caffeine and make myself pass out for a few hours at night.) Don't let it get that bad.
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Old 09-17-07, 11:38 AM   #19
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Sounds like her $18K goes to daycare and student loans. Maybe she otta just quit and stay at home with the kids. Budget better and pick up a couple side gigs to take care of the college loans. Then try and figure out why the hell she is so lazy.

Actually she was probably this way when you married her chances are.
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Old 09-17-07, 11:43 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by DannoXYZ View Post
If you have no debt, why are you working? Might be some perception issues here. I understand your frustration and it may not be so clear to your wife. I agree with KT & VV, there's some emotional and depression issues with your wife and you can't cut through that with logic. You need to change how she feels first before her behavior will change. Good luck!
I should have mentioned that...what Danno said here (see bolded and large font text) is VERY TRUE and VERY IMPORTANT. If it is depression (and it sure sound like it), you can't combat it by logic. You will NEVER win that way. It needs to be medicated to bring hormones back into proper balance before she thinks straight.

I've had two serious relationships with women with depression, one which I lived with for a year. This is not guesswork, its experience talking.
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Old 09-17-07, 11:50 AM   #21
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So this is more of a vent than anything, but opinions are welcome.

I've known my wife for 8 years and have been married for 5 years. In the time we have known each other she has had probably nine different jobs. She has been at her current job for almost 2 years now. (longest she has ever held a job for) This morning she tells me that she is going to work this job part time and get another job as a waitress since she doesn't like her current job any more. Every time she does this, she ends up quitting and we end up struggling till she gets another job.

We have a nice house, nice cars, three kids, some dogs and we live a pretty nice life. I make just about 70k a year and she makes about 18k. My salary goes to everything and hers basically pays for daycare for the children and her school loans. Money is always an issue because we do live comfortably, but there is none left over for anything else. We basically live paycheck to paycheck. We have very little debt and we keep it that way.

My problem is I make all the money, I do most the cleaning, take care of the kids and animals, do most of the cooking, all the yard work and run the show. All she has to do is work her 36 hours a week, do the laundry and help me out. I never really ask for anything more. If I don't do it nothing gets done and I can't stand dirty floors, dirty laundry on the floor, dirty bathroom, dishes pilling up in the stink, etc...

My days are pretty much like this: wake up, get ready, get the kids ready, feed the animals, take the animals out, put the animals away, take the kids to school/daycare, go to work, work all day, pick the kids up, come home, let the dogs out, play/walk the dogs, feed the animals, get dinner started, clean up, eat, clean up, let the dogs out, clean up, have a beer, shower and then go to sleep.

Within the last 6 months she has done nothing but whine, moan, complain and cry. She hates her job, she freaks out about doing things around the house, whines about have to care for the animals and kids, cries because she feel worthless at her job and stressed out because of it. All she wants to do is come home from work and sit on her ass. If you ask her to do anything she throws a fit and cries or complains she never ever gets a break to relax.

I've talked to her tons of times about it, but she just won't stop. I'm to the point I'm either going to punch her in the face or shoot myself in the head. I know what she wants and needs, but it can't be done. No one can just work a job and then do nothing, especially when you have your own house, with kids and animals.

I'm pretty much at a lost and I refuse to live my life like this... She has seen a doctor and the doctor says it's just stress and she needs to relax a bit more.
I feel for you; I may be wrong, been often in my life, but if I had to look for a wife again, I would go for harder working one - and it is not easy for me to say, but that's my deep down feeling.

I remember a book on surviving in hard nature conditions (like expeditions to wilderness) and one of the main points was: always look for something to do, the best journals were found after dead people. It is very easy to retire to your sleeping bag and pour your heart in the journal - instead of getting some work done. Now life in civilization is survival too - and the motto always look for something to do is valid for family surviving too.

My wife got better over the years (married since 94, three kids, three dogs, 4 acres in Virginia - you got the picture) but as stated before, I would look for harder working woman. Especially while looking back at the girls I once knew and I can distinguished now who was just a pretty girl and who was a girl with a drive and motivation.

Could be depression too - but from what I read, you should be the one with depression - since you are working your tale off and there is no end to it either.
Sometimes you just need to be harder on yourself - that would me my advice to you wife, but I learned myself already, that's not a message that husband can deliver to his wife - ever.

Good luck, and stick to it for the kids, it is worth it.
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Old 09-17-07, 11:57 AM   #22
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she's obviously got some problems...depression for sure. But it also sounds like there's a lot of pressure there. You seem to have been living beyond your means...if you make a good living, then why is there so much struggle and why does she need to get crappy jobs? Has she thought of learning new skills so she doesn't have to work as a waitress? maybe you got married and had kids young and she never got to finish college or whatever...You've had 3 kids in five years! and animals...that's a bit overwhelming.there's a lot we don't know here, so i think you two need to see someone professional.
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Old 09-17-07, 12:06 PM   #23
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She needs counseling and maybe medication.
Reduce "living comfortably" by $18k could help too.
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Old 09-17-07, 12:20 PM   #24
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I've noticed that a lot of people who work for 18K a year hate their jobs. Your college-educated wife works an unsatisfying, underpaid job and comes home to a highly-paid husband who looks down on her salary. Would that be fair? That would depress a lot of people.

You have kids. Did your wife take time off work to have or rear those children? Might that also be a factor in why she makes less money and partially explain her work history? Did you take time off from your career?

It sounds like you set all the standards in your house. Your wife gets to "help you." (Oh, joy.) Are those standards at all negotiable? How do you and your wife talk about these issues?
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Old 09-17-07, 12:31 PM   #25
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I see what you guys are saying about letting her stay home, etc... IMO, that just adds fuel to the fire. I'm pretty sure if that happened she would sit on her ass the whole entire day and gain weight. She is one of those people that can do nothing and be happy, where I like to stay active.

We have a nice house but it is an average house in the Chicago area. There is no much downgrading I can do that is not borderline ghetto. Our one car is paid off and the other only has a year left. Daycare is about $1200 a month and her school loans are around $310 a month.

When I say we live comfortably, I mean we can pay all our bills and still have money for food and normal expenses without worrying. We don't go out at all, and the only thing we spend money on other than living is Blockbuster and eating out once or twice a week. Every now and again we'll buy something, but we save up for it and make sure we can afford it.
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