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Old 09-24-07, 01:33 AM   #1
BLIMP
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getting your mind right

I've often explained to people that I can't deal with them because I need the time to get my head right. This has resulted in a few rather traumatic breakups and other issues related to relating. Does anyone else have this issue? I just often feel that I can barely deal with my own problems, nonetheless the problems of another. Recently, this has effected my relationship ability because I seem to be too preoccupied with doing the things I'm about (largely nothing) to feel I'm able to commit to being emotionally involved with another person. The answer I always want to give of "I'm just not in a spot for that right now" satisfies me but doesn't seem to satisfy my friends who have told me that "you'll never be in a spot where you feel comfortable with a relationship."

Do any of you have any thoughts on the issue? Lately I just feel too much of a burden to place on others, something which has resulted poorly in the past, and don't really feel responsible enough to engage significantly in such matters. That said, this has been a rather long going process. In my experience, things happen as they are meant to happen and there's little I can do about it. This conflicts with my personal philosophy of self control but, as you can see, one seems to control the other.
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Old 09-24-07, 07:42 AM   #2
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"I'm just not in a spot for that right now"



don't your friends get it? that's a great pickup line. especially when followed up with, "...that's why i've decided to remain celibate for now."
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Old 09-24-07, 07:53 AM   #3
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Do any of you have any thoughts on the issue? Lately I just feel too much of a burden to place on others, something which has resulted poorly in the past, and don't really feel responsible enough to engage significantly in such matters.
It's not you. It's them. People seem to think that relationships are an invitation to dump their emotional garbage on someone else's lawn. If they need a councilor, then they should hire one, not expect it for free from a lover or friend.
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Old 09-24-07, 08:13 AM   #4
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Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays!
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Old 09-24-07, 08:19 AM   #5
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He's just not that into you because men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
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Old 09-24-07, 08:46 AM   #6
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I've often explained to people that I can't deal with them because I need the time to get my head right.
When it comes to dating, it unfortunately does not matter whether you're sincere in this feeling or not. Women learn that when faced with a guy that says something like that, it really means that "he's just not that into you". They see what you're saying as just wanting to weasel out of the situation without actually being honest. That's why they get upset.

You're in a difficult situation and I don't think there's much you can do about it. Most guys do use that as a "weasel-phrase". Try not to let it bother you, I guess.
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Old 09-24-07, 08:51 AM   #7
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You can avoid that problem by always wearing a T-shirt with "I'm struggling to cope. Leave me alone." printed in large lettering.
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Old 09-25-07, 02:42 AM   #8
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Hehe, thanks for the advice.

Donna, is that really how a lot of women interpret that sort of response? I didn't mean my post to imply that I'm emotionally distant from everyone. I'm quite capable of developing friendly relationships with others and maintaining them but, at this point in my life, don't feel that it would be right to develop those relationships fully (ie: dating seriously) as a consequence of having other issues that I want to resolve myself. To that end I've been increasingly successful and see this "strategy", if you were to call it that, as a means of making myself more capable of investing myself in other peoples interests to such a degree that I feel the investment is worthwhile.

This issue came up with a girl I was seeing a few months back and my initial reluctance to explain to her what I was having trouble with was met with agitation. When I explained the reasoning behind this reluctance she seemed to understand, or at least accept, where I was coming from. Since then we've grown more distant.

I need to learn how to lie.
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Old 09-25-07, 08:25 AM   #9
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Sadly, I'm sure she thought there was some other chick you were after more ardently.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:03 AM   #10
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Thank you for the honest/blunt answer.

So it goes.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:05 AM   #11
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Some women feel the need to "take care" of the man. When he gives this explanation (although is may be understood/accepted) she may feel that she has the obligation or the want to help him through this.

Not being able to do so gives her a feeling of failure, or rejection. Prompting the "okay I'll leave him alone, he really isn't into me" type of thinking.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:07 AM   #12
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What ever you do, please don't lie. Someone will eventually find out and it always hurts to be lied to.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:08 AM   #13
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Oh, I was kidding about the lying. I've sat in the corner far too much already.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:10 AM   #14
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Prompting the "okay I'll leave him alone, he really isn't into me" type of thinking.

This almost never happens. It's almost impossible to make a woman come to terms with this fact.



Hey BLIMPie....you want a girl to leave you alone? Get too close to her. She'll back off, or your money back.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:12 AM   #15
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Maybe not to you, but that's what I do. I don't want to cross borders. I can't force a guy to like me. I'd rather leave with dignity and grace.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:15 AM   #16
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Maybe not to you, but that's what I do. I don't want to cross borders. I can't force a guy to like me.

You are a beautiful anomoly...an improbable singularity in a chaotic universe. A ray of hope and light..




...in other words, you ain't like the Sally Sues 'round these here parts hunny. Sally Sue is sadly predictible in her behaviour.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:20 AM   #17
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Don't feel bad for not being ready to be in a relationship. I think you're being more responsible by not getting too involved. No one should rush themselves into something that they are not ready for. I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting until you are emotionally ready to invest more of yourself into the other person.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:23 AM   #18
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I figure if a guy likes me, he will come to me.

But there is no way I'll press the issue. That's a forced relationship. And if it doesn't come from within then it doesn't exist.

Blimp, when you feel the time is right, you will be able to overcome what it is that is holding you back. Because the strength from within will be so true that nothing can stop your desire if it's there and if the advances are wanted and accepted.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:28 AM   #19
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Yup, you pretty much just described my approach. I'm willing to let things happen as they will, but am accepting where I feel to be right now while resolving some personal issues.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:31 AM   #20
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One step at a time, my friend, and all will fall into place.

You sound like you really wanna take care of things first. That way things will run smoothly later for your relationship. That's awesome. That is very unselfish.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:37 AM   #21
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I'm feeling like that a little right now, that I need to get something in my head feeling right with my girl.

After our conversation last night, I realized she's so much spiritually ahead of me, and such an amazing person. Honestly, and I told her this I felt mildly inferior for the rest of the conversation. So I just let her talk, and I listened. She had to do this project for a religion class, and had to write essays on marriage, and love, and all these things, and she shared what she wrote with me. It really left me in awe of what kind of person she is, and all I could do was sit there and think I wasn't worthy of her.

Also, let me say, I was just like you with the "I can barely deal with my own junk, let alone another persons". But it's too the point, she knows she can call me when she's upset, and I'll try not to laugh at her goofy messups. Believe it or not, you probably would surprise yourself, I bet you could be there for another person and not just yourself.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:43 AM   #22
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I think people are much better off going into relationships when they are emotionally stable. If you get into one otherwise, it could cause all kinds of problems, codependency being one of them. When you are completely happy and at ease with yourself and who you are, when you love the body you are in and enjoy being around and talking with other people, then I think it is a good time to pursue a relationship. It is much more healthy on both parts.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:46 AM   #23
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I think people are much better off going into relationships when they are emotionally stable. If you get into one otherwise, it could cause all kinds of problems, codependency being one of them. When you are completely happy and at ease with yourself and who you are, when you love the body you are in and enjoy being around and talking with other people, then I think it is a good time to pursue a relationship. It is much more healthy on both parts.
Agreed. I know many people who get into relationships thinking that it will "fix" them. They almost always fail.
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Old 09-25-07, 10:48 AM   #24
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^^^YEP!! What she said. I agree wholeheartedly. She hit it right on the head.


And Jon? The reason she's so ahead of you is because she's so.....ahead of you, na'mean? I told you so....
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Old 09-25-07, 10:54 AM   #25
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I don't even mean it like that.

I mean spiritually, not in a physical way.

But fine, you were right. A little. Kinda. Sorta. Mildy. Maybe. A bit.

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