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Old 11-09-07, 01:37 PM   #1
bikingshearer 
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Post some advice for Pheard

We all know that Pheard has the uncanny ability to put his foot in it. With unerring presicion, if there is an indelicate question or imprudent observation to be made, our man Jon will find it and blurt it out in as tactless a way as is humanly possible. This in turn leads to expulsion of tons of greenhouse gasses as we all exclaim "WTF?" and the senseless destruction of innocent electrons as we all post appropriate responses.

So, in the interests of preserving precious natural resources, please post advice for Pheard here. You know, things that he really ought to know or do but doesn't or won't.

I'll start:

Jon:
Never, never, NEVER ask a woman if she is PMS'ing, on her period, in menopause, or anything that even remotely suggests that you think there might be even a tiny bit of difference in her behavior because of her womanly bodily functions. In fact, the only thing you can safely do that suggests you even know she has womanly bodily functions is buy her some damn pads or tampons when she asks you to.

There is no correct, or even safe, answer when a S/O asks the dreaded "does this make me look fat" question. The least wrong response is to say "NO" as quickly as ever you can and pray like crazy that it was quickly enough. You'll still catch hell for lying or just trying to butter her up or some such, but believe me, it beats the consequences of any other answer you could possibly give.

And finally: Don't do wheelies on carbon fiber frames.
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Old 11-09-07, 01:39 PM   #2
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1. inhale
2. hold
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Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 11-09-07, 01:41 PM   #3
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Red meat is not bad for you.

Blue fuzzy meat is bad for you.
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A girl once asked me to give her twelve inches and make it hurt. I had to make love to her 3 times and then punch her in the nose.
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Old 11-09-07, 01:43 PM   #4
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Be sure to wash the sheets after tryst with rainbow bike.
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Old 11-09-07, 01:51 PM   #5
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Can I tell a SO I think she'd look better if she loses 15 pounds?

What if I tell her she's kind of clingy? is that acceptable?
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Old 11-09-07, 01:56 PM   #6
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Can I tell a SO I think she'd look better if she loses 15 pounds?

What if I tell her she's kind of clingy? is that acceptable?
Wear a helmet when you do.
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Old 11-09-07, 01:57 PM   #7
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I'll just put on protection and duck for cover.

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Old 11-09-07, 01:59 PM   #8
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we can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
Cause your friends dont dance
And if they dont dance
Well they're no friends of mine


Also, there is no good way to tell your SO that she needs to lose pounds. At best you can suggest activities that burn calories, while never, EVER, EVER, saying thats why you suggested them.

Good: It's really nice out tonight, want to go on a moon light stroll with me?
Bad: You should go on a walk, it'll be good for you.
Huge Mistake: Hey fatty, why don't you go for a walk now and again.

As for the clingy bit, with enough tact, you can pull it off. Which means, from the sounds of it, that you(specifically) can't pull it off
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Old 11-09-07, 02:09 PM   #9
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I'll just put on protection and duck for cover.

hehe - couple ladies from work ordered them for a woman who 1) liked bananas and 2) was getting married.


Funny looking things.
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Old 11-09-07, 02:19 PM   #10
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Pheard,

Weight loss is a scary subject. You have to notice she lost weight, but you have to make sure she knows she was just fine before she lost weight, but you appreciate the effort. It must matter that she lost weight since she might have done it for you, but then again, if it matters too much, you thought she was ugly. However, if you act like it wasn't that big of a thing she will assume you don't care how much she suffered just to please you.

In other words - you are dead meat.
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Old 11-09-07, 02:32 PM   #11
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Pheard,

Weight loss is a scary subject. You have to notice she lost weight, but you have to make sure she knows she was just fine before she lost weight, but you appreciate the effort. It must matter that she lost weight since she might have done it for you, but then again, if it matters too much, you thought she was ugly. However, if you act like it wasn't that big of a thing she will assume you don't care how much she suffered just to please you.

In other words - you are dead meat.
Or - Give up now.
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Old 11-09-07, 02:33 PM   #12
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Wear a helmet when riding, especially on boat docks!!
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Old 11-09-07, 02:34 PM   #13
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Pheard, your best possible scenario is that she lost the weight so that she can dump you and get someone better - it is your only hope.
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Old 11-09-07, 02:38 PM   #14
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Also never ask a pregant looking women when the baby due, unless you ahve in writing that she is pregnant.
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Old 11-09-07, 02:42 PM   #15
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best bet is to never respond....she will hate you, but it won't be as bad as if you answered tuthfully.....horizontal stripes has NEVER made anyone look slender, unless they are a waif to begin with, in which case they need to be offered a sammich.
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Old 11-09-07, 02:47 PM   #16
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This is the solution:


I hope Jon loves soup...
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Old 11-09-07, 02:49 PM   #17
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Look at your sig quote for some advice from me, Jon
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Old 11-09-07, 02:49 PM   #18
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This is the solution:


I hope Jon loves soup...
So is this guy back in town then?

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Old 11-09-07, 03:03 PM   #19
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Please dont outsmart the censor. That is a very expensive censor and every time one of you guys outsmart it it makes someone at the home office feel bad. We dont wanna do that. So dont cleverly disguise bad words.
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Old 11-09-07, 03:06 PM   #20
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Buy low, sell high.
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Old 11-09-07, 03:11 PM   #21
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Never go to a forum for advice...
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Old 11-09-07, 03:11 PM   #22
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Keep your feet clean, that way when you put your foot in your mouth, it won't taste so bad.
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Old 11-09-07, 03:12 PM   #23
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Please dont outsmart the censor. That is a very expensive censor and every time one of you guys outsmart it it makes someone at the home office feel bad. We dont wanna do that. So dont cleverly disguise bad words.
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Old 11-09-07, 03:14 PM   #24
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If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife.
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Old 11-09-07, 03:15 PM   #25
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Stop doing that, it'll make you go blind
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