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Old 11-21-07, 07:24 AM   #1
bpohl
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Letting the ex see you with a new girl

Is there an appropriate time to stop being on guard for seeing an old ex when you're dating someone new? I ask because my ex-girlfriend lives about a mile from me, and we go to a lot of the same restaurants and stores. I often worry about taking my new girl out to these places because, if we were to see my ex out in public somewhere that I knew she could very well be, then I would feel like I was somehow rubbing my new girl in her face. But, then again, I go to these certain places because I enjoy going there, and to avoid them because of her seems silly. Am I worrying too much? Is there an appropriate amount of time to wait?
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Old 11-21-07, 07:29 AM   #2
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You're worried about this?!?!? The correct answer is: <30 seconds.

My ex and I were in the throes of divorce, I walked into our home with my current partner.
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Old 11-21-07, 07:44 AM   #3
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You're worried about this?!?!? The correct answer is: <30 seconds.

My ex and I were in the throes of divorce, I walked into our home with my current partner.


And, you love rats. Need I say more?
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Old 11-21-07, 07:46 AM   #4
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Do you still care about her or did she screw you over?
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Old 11-21-07, 08:09 AM   #5
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It doesn't matter what your ex thinks, she's your ex. It sounds like you need to move on from her, as you are either sensitive of her feelings about seeing you with someone else, or you still care about her and don't want her to know that you're dating someone else. She'll start dating someone, too. Don't think that she'll avoid certain places to save your feelings.
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Old 11-21-07, 08:13 AM   #6
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And, you love rats. Need I say more?
I'm sorry, I fail to see the connection.
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Old 11-21-07, 08:34 AM   #7
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bpohl,

I want to commend you for thinking of your ex's feelings even after she has become an ex and you clearly have moved on to your new girlfriend. The humanity of your approach is highly commendable.

Is there a way that you can talk with your ex about it? Something that lets her know before she has to deal with it in public. And by doing that frees you to take your new girlfriend to those public places near your home.
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Old 11-21-07, 08:35 AM   #8
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I'm sorry, I fail to see the connection.

Only a rat would be so crass as to help you rub it into the ex that way.
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Old 11-21-07, 08:39 AM   #9
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Is there a way that you can talk with your ex about it? Something that lets her know before she has to deal with it in public. And by doing that frees you to take your new girlfriend to those public places near your home.
I would advise against this. By doing this, he insinuates the ex is still hurt, and insults her by assuming so.

Really, there's no reason to make such a big deal out of this. If you happen to see her, just give her a polite smile, maybe say hi, and move on.
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Old 11-21-07, 08:46 AM   #10
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I would advise against this. By doing this, he insinuates the ex is still hurt, and insults her by assuming so.

Really, there's no reason to make such a big deal out of this. If you happen to see her, just give her a polite smile, maybe say hi, and move on.
I would also advise against it because it gives the ex power over your life still and for whatever reason, she is now an EX and does not rate any power over you.

On the compassionate side, I'd say did she break it off with you? If so, then there is no "waiting period" necessary. On the other hand, if you broke it off with her and, being a considerate person, are genuinely still concerned about not hurting her further, some period of time would be appropriate. How much? Well, I think only you can figure that out. At the outside, I'd say no more than a month.

But that's just me.

There's also the possibility of drama here. Would your ex make a scene - in either the "hurt ex" or the "overly gracious ex" way? If so, I'd be more concerned with your new girlfriend's feelings than the ex's.
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Old 11-21-07, 08:47 AM   #11
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I wouldn't let her see you with a new girl for a day or so. After that it's ok, as long as you're not searching for a meeting. I live in a small town, running into an ex is unavoidable.
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Old 11-21-07, 08:56 AM   #12
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all other posters considered, I saw my ex when I was with another girl and she tried to choke me out in the blockbuster parking lot.

Is that a possibility, because if it is, I would pick a new restaurant for a couple weeks.

because that was akward...
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Old 11-21-07, 09:29 AM   #13
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I would advise against this. By doing this, he insinuates the ex is still hurt, and insults her by assuming so.

Really, there's no reason to make such a big deal out of this. If you happen to see her, just give her a polite smile, maybe say hi, and move on.
April speaks well. You ex might actually take offense to the act thinking that you mean to make her Jealous. It also gives off the impression that you still have feelings for her (odds are you still do at some level). This has potential to blow back pretty bad.

Last edited by skinnyone; 11-21-07 at 09:34 AM.
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Old 11-21-07, 09:40 AM   #14
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It depends on the ex and the break-up and the new GF. If the old GF broke up with you and the new GF doesn't mind running into her then go where you want when you want.

However, in a case like my last ex-wife stay away for a long time. My ex is a slightly stocky, athletic type. And very aggressive. And had one of those even-though-I-left-you-no-one-else-can-have-you psychotic episodes. I would have been afraid for my new girl to be around her ever.
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Old 11-21-07, 09:53 AM   #15
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Why don't you mention it to your new girl and see if she wants to go to new places to avoid running into the ex? It's her feelings you should care about, if she's cool with running into your ex and any sort of uncomfortableness then just get on with it. If she wants to avoid a scene then maybe the 2 of you could try new places together and rediscover the town.

p.s. do I win anything for using "uncomfortableness" that's got to be worth about a thousand points in scrabble.
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Old 11-21-07, 09:54 AM   #16
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Only a rat would be so crass as to help you rub it into the ex that way.
You really are a mindless fool aren't you? I never thought of you having your head this far up your ass..
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Old 11-21-07, 10:05 AM   #17
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Ex's have no claim to you, so what does it matter?
Just get on with your date and stop worry 'bout what the ex is gonna think.
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Old 11-21-07, 10:06 AM   #18
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Well, in response to everyone's comments, I broke it off with her, and I didn't do it very gracefully. She backed me into a corner at a bar, wanting to "talk", and I made a scene and yelled that it was "over, dead over, and that a nasty chick like her would never have a chance with a guy like me again" [there were a lot of reasons why I said that, but I really regret it]. So, I guess I just don't want to hurt her more than I already have at this point. I would normally swallow my pride and apologize for the way I ended it, but she literally backed me into a corner at a bar when I had been drinking, after I had already warned her not to start anything with me. Therefore, I never really felt an apology was warranted. However, I don't want to hurt her any further. It's not my game to kick someone while they're down. That was about a month ago, and some of our mutual friends still tell me that she's hurting pretty badly. I just don't want to pour salt in the wound.

For now, I'm having fun trying new places, but it really sucks that I feel like I can't take my new girl out to my favorite places for fear of seeing the ex.
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Old 11-21-07, 10:09 AM   #19
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all other posters considered, I saw my ex when I was with another girl and she tried to choke me out in the blockbuster parking lot.


And then what? Back to Jerry Springer's studio?
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Old 11-21-07, 10:13 AM   #20
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...even-though-I-left-you-no-one-else-can-have-you psychotic...
Hey, I'm like that!
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Old 11-21-07, 10:16 AM   #21
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blimey bpohl, you don't do things by halves do you?
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Old 11-21-07, 10:23 AM   #22
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I would let her know. It's not necessarily telling the ex she has power but giving her a heads up and showing her respect. Better than running into her, she makes a scene, the current girl then sees how you're taking her to the same places as the ex (and first impression is that she's psycho), and you have a nice big pile of mess on your hands.
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Old 11-21-07, 10:26 AM   #23
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Any reason you ain't bangin' both of these broads?
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Old 11-21-07, 10:51 AM   #24
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Any reason you ain't bangin' both of these broads?
it would be equivalent to this probably



anyway. she is an ex-unless you plan on picking things up with her. why are you so wrapped up in how she might take this. are you all in contact with each other still does she have a lot of your stuff. is there some special reason this might matter. if not, cut your losses man, eventually you are going to see her again, and there is a good chance it is going to be when it is the least opportune moment possible. I ran into one of my ex's in a different country for god's sake
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Old 11-21-07, 10:57 AM   #25
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Meh. Maybe you guys are right that I shouldn't care. I do feel like maybe I should tell her, but I think even that is overstepping what I really feel like I should do. I'm just remembering some Alanis Morissette song, "It was a slap in the face, how quickly I was replaced". I don't want her on top 40 radio singing about me.
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