Cycling and bicycle discussion forums. 
   Click here to join our community Log in to access your Control Panel  


Go Back   > >

Foo Off-Topic chit chat with no general subject.

User Tag List

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 11-25-07, 01:17 AM   #1
TheKillerPenguin
Nonsense
Thread Starter
 
TheKillerPenguin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Vagabond
Bikes: Affirmative
Posts: 12,205
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 42 Post(s)
Awesome Scholarship Essay

So I'm looking through all the papers I've saved on my PC since I got it, and stumbled upon a scholarship essay I wrote 5 years ago, back in 12th grade. I can say without an ounce of ego that it is teh funny. I wonder if I won?

Without further ado-

I am XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, the best student at XXX! Don’t believe me? My report card this year reads 110.95%, certainly better than any other of my peers. I also have a 5.0 GPA, 20% higher than my nearest competitor. So now that my educational superiority has been established, I would like to further inform you that I am a strapping young lad who constantly performs community service and helps out the school. Last month, for example, the school’s main right wall was collapsing. Both the mayor of XXXXXXXX and XXXs superintendent called upon me, XXXXXXXXXXX, to once again save the day for them. I stood there for five days, enduring hurricane and earthquake, holding up that wall until it could be properly fixed. Even though I caught pneumonia, I would do it again. You see, my dedication to the school and to the community runs as deep as the ocean, and in this time of global warming, that is pretty deep. In addition to the amazing feat I performed for my beloved school last month, enduring both earthquake and hurricane may I remind you, I have saved homeless orphans stuck in the middle of a forest fire, after which I put out said forest fire. This happened last year, if you’ll recall. I simply did not claim responsibility for these heroic acts because I am such a modest, fine example of a gentleman. If these acts of heroics do not satisfy thy pallet, consider this as well: I have successfully negotiated a pay raise for all teachers in the XXX school district. Yes, my dedication to my teachers runs that deep as well.

When you are finished reading this, I know what you’ll all be thinking, and indeed you should be thinking it. But don’t not consider the other students after reading this. Even though both you and I will know that it is I who have been chosen, and I who deserve the scholarship, I would think it false if you should not consider the other far less qualified applicants. Remember, even the shabbiest of mutts can be worth a master’s love. But remember as well, that one cannot even begin to compare that lovable pooch to a more refined purebred. I am reminded of an epic poem that I, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, wrote in my spare time last night.

“Vile bleachers, o how my butt goes numb when it meets thy steely lips! How I prefer the grass’ tender kiss to thy passionless peck!”

Ladies and gentlemen, my teachers, you are the grass in a world full of bleachers. Do what you know to be virtuous, and give me, XXXXXXXXXX, the best student in the history of the world, the scholarship. With the money, I will have $1000 extra that I can use to save unfortunate Guatemalan children from the chilled hands of death. Teachers, the Guatemalan children are imploring you to give me that scholarship. Don’t let them down.

Last edited by TheKillerPenguin; 09-23-15 at 09:01 AM.
TheKillerPenguin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-25-07, 01:43 AM   #2
chrisvu05
Legs of Steel
 
chrisvu05's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: On my bike
Bikes: Pegoretti Marcelo, Cannondale six13
Posts: 1,833
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
freakin hilarious!
chrisvu05 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-25-07, 01:49 AM   #3
x136 
phony collective progress
 
x136's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: San Hoosey
Bikes: http://velospace.org/user/36663
Posts: 2,981
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Dearest Killer Penguin,

I had a 5.02 GPA, and got a 112.56% on my report card. Man, that $1000 bought some good beer.

Sincerely,
The Greatesterest Student Ever.
__________________
x136 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-25-07, 05:24 PM   #4
Mago
Capoeirista
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: San Anto, baby!!!
Bikes: Miyata 1000
Posts: 61
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm still wiping tears from my eyes, that was too funny!!!
Mago is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-25-07, 06:04 PM   #5
skinnyone
Dude wheres my guads?
 
skinnyone's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Guess
Bikes: Not enough
Posts: 2,680
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think you overdid it with the earthquake bit a little bit but otherwise, sound pretty good.
skinnyone is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:55 AM.