So I'm looking through all the papers I've saved on my PC since I got it, and stumbled upon a scholarship essay I wrote 5 years ago, back in 12th grade. I can say without an ounce of ego that it is teh funny. I wonder if I won?
Without further ado-
I am XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, the best student at XXX! Don’t believe me? My report card this year reads 110.95%, certainly better than any other of my peers. I also have a 5.0 GPA, 20% higher than my nearest competitor. So now that my educational superiority has been established, I would like to further inform you that I am a strapping young lad who constantly performs community service and helps out the school. Last month, for example, the school’s main right wall was collapsing. Both the mayor of XXXXXXXX and XXXs superintendent called upon me, XXXXXXXXXXX, to once again save the day for them. I stood there for five days, enduring hurricane and earthquake, holding up that wall until it could be properly fixed. Even though I caught pneumonia, I would do it again. You see, my dedication to the school and to the community runs as deep as the ocean, and in this time of global warming, that is pretty deep. In addition to the amazing feat I performed for my beloved school last month, enduring both earthquake and hurricane may I remind you, I have saved homeless orphans stuck in the middle of a forest fire, after which I put out said forest fire. This happened last year, if you’ll recall. I simply did not claim responsibility for these heroic acts because I am such a modest, fine example of a gentleman. If these acts of heroics do not satisfy thy pallet, consider this as well: I have successfully negotiated a pay raise for all teachers in the XXX school district. Yes, my dedication to my teachers runs that deep as well.
When you are finished reading this, I know what you’ll all be thinking, and indeed you should be thinking it. But don’t not consider the other students after reading this. Even though both you and I will know that it is I who have been chosen, and I who deserve the scholarship, I would think it false if you should not consider the other far less qualified applicants. Remember, even the shabbiest of mutts can be worth a master’s love. But remember as well, that one cannot even begin to compare that lovable pooch to a more refined purebred. I am reminded of an epic poem that I, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, wrote in my spare time last night.
“Vile bleachers, o how my butt goes numb when it meets thy steely lips! How I prefer the grass’ tender kiss to thy passionless peck!”
Ladies and gentlemen, my teachers, you are the grass in a world full of bleachers. Do what you know to be virtuous, and give me, XXXXXXXXXX, the best student in the history of the world, the scholarship. With the money, I will have $1000 extra that I can use to save unfortunate Guatemalan children from the chilled hands of death. Teachers, the Guatemalan children are imploring you to give me that scholarship. Don’t let them down.