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Old 12-07-07, 10:46 AM   #1
KingTermite 
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Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "

I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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- it's pretty well established that Hitler was an *******.
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Old 12-07-07, 10:50 AM   #2
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Advantage of getting old: They all become SBDs. At least as far as you care. (Even if your hearing is fine!)
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Old 12-07-07, 10:56 AM   #3
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Is there anything more uncomfortable as an adult as being in the room when your mother lets fly?

With dad, you can always joke, but with mom, not so much. At least not for me.
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Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 12-07-07, 10:58 AM   #4
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Beano and simehticone.
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Old 12-07-07, 10:58 AM   #5
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Is there anything more uncomfortable as an adult as being in the room when your mother lets fly?

With dad, you can always joke, but with mom, not so much. At least not for me.
Nah...my mom used to rip them all the time. She didn't joke about it...but didn't hide it either.

The funnier one was when Gramma got a case of short gassies. We'd go for a walk and she'd pop a short/quick one on each step all night long. It was hella funny.
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Old 12-07-07, 10:59 AM   #6
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Beano and simehticone.
I don't know what simehticone is, but Beano was never thaaat effective for me. Then again, I'm usually not a particularly gassy person anyway.
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Old 12-07-07, 11:04 AM   #7
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We were at a Medeski Martin & Wood show at the Chicago Symphony Hall about 7 years ago and you could tell all the symphony patrons who were there just because the jazz series was included in their season tickets. Bunch of younger people ready to listen to MMW jam around and then a bunch of, well, old farts in fur coats.

At one point the older dignified lady in front of us let one go that smelled like a diesel fumed truck stop. All the younger people were staring and pointing and holding their noses trying to outlast the toxic fumes wafting through the balcony. The lady never moved. Neither did her husband.

It was the worst passing of gas I've ever had to endure.

BTW, if you let off an air biscuit like that, it's best just to own up and claim it in a vociferous and proud manner. "Yeah, that was mine! Suffer, you fools!"
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Old 12-07-07, 11:09 AM   #8
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Simethicone is the gas drops you give to babies with gas when they get fussy. That stuff is the shiznit when it is needed. My youngest never was much of a burper. My older son could rattle the windows.
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Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 12-07-07, 11:22 AM   #9
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Remember to light a match, or several, and quicly extinguish them. MAke sure there is some smoke. I am not a chemist but the smell of the matches overpowers the foul emissions!
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Old 12-07-07, 12:27 PM   #10
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The funnier one was when Gramma got a case of short gassies. We'd go for a walk and she'd pop a short/quick one on each step all night long. It was hella funny.
Larry the Cable Guy calls them the "Walking Farts." He tells the story about how his Grandma got the walking farts while leaving the Bass Pro Shop. They accused her of stealing a duck call and some stink bait.
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Old 12-07-07, 12:35 PM   #11
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some are not silent.
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Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 12-07-07, 12:53 PM   #12
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Also remember that farts are neither lumpy nor wet. If you experience the aforementioned you have just sh@t yourself.
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Keep my tootsies toasty warm
keep my carbon from any harm

Good Night Road Bike
Good Night Moutain Bike
Good night all you Foosters
And good night Moon
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Old 12-07-07, 01:13 PM   #13
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Larry the Cable Guy calls them the "Walking Farts." He tells the story about how his Grandma got the walking farts while leaving the Bass Pro Shop. They accused her of stealing a duck call and some stink bait.
Crop Dusters. Have a lot of them here.
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Old 12-07-07, 01:19 PM   #14
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Also remember that farts are neither lumpy nor wet. If you experience the aforementioned you have just sh@t yourself.
We call them "sharts."

"Oops. Honey, I think I just sharted," The man whispers to his wife in a crowded church sanctuary.
"I told you not to force them out or this was going to happen. We're not even through praise and worship. What are you going to do now?"
"I'm going outside and throw my shorts away."

Man takes off underwear in church's restroom, hides them, and walks outside to the dumpster out back. As soon as he gets to the dumpster with soiled underwear in hand he hears someone coming from behind. He whips around and says, "These aren't mine!"
"So you're throwing away someone else's crappy underwear?"
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Old 12-07-07, 01:27 PM   #15
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That's one of my favorite movie lines evar!

"How 'bout some more beans Mr. Taggert?"

"I think you've had enough"

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Old 12-07-07, 02:35 PM   #16
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Quote:
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An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "

I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


OMG. That was so funny. Thanks.
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Old 12-08-07, 05:21 AM   #17
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We used to have a guy over here that would crop dust all the time.....his kung fu was pretty weak though.

I ended up doing an outdoor crop dust on him twice that was bad enough to stink up a 10 foot area around me (I KNOW how to throw down some righteous intestinal fury). I told him the beatings will continue until crop dustings are performed only in approved areas....he got the hint
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