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Thread: Silent Fart

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    On my TARDIScycle! KingTermite's Avatar
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    Silent Fart

    An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "

    I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

    He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
    Quote Originally Posted by coffeecake View Post
    - it's pretty well established that Hitler was an *******.

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    phony collective progress x136's Avatar
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    Advantage of getting old: They all become SBDs. At least as far as you care. (Even if your hearing is fine!)

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    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    Is there anything more uncomfortable as an adult as being in the room when your mother lets fly?

    With dad, you can always joke, but with mom, not so much. At least not for me.
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    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

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    Opus PATH's Avatar
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    Beano and simehticone.
    Go raibh an chóir ghaoithe i gcónaí liom!

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    Lullaby Of Foo

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  5. #5
    On my TARDIScycle! KingTermite's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jsharr View Post
    Is there anything more uncomfortable as an adult as being in the room when your mother lets fly?

    With dad, you can always joke, but with mom, not so much. At least not for me.
    Nah...my mom used to rip them all the time. She didn't joke about it...but didn't hide it either.

    The funnier one was when Gramma got a case of short gassies. We'd go for a walk and she'd pop a short/quick one on each step all night long. It was hella funny.
    Quote Originally Posted by coffeecake View Post
    - it's pretty well established that Hitler was an *******.

  6. #6
    On my TARDIScycle! KingTermite's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PATH View Post
    Beano and simehticone.
    I don't know what simehticone is, but Beano was never thaaat effective for me. Then again, I'm usually not a particularly gassy person anyway.
    Quote Originally Posted by coffeecake View Post
    - it's pretty well established that Hitler was an *******.

  7. #7
    Up on the Down Side CyLowe97's Avatar
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    We were at a Medeski Martin & Wood show at the Chicago Symphony Hall about 7 years ago and you could tell all the symphony patrons who were there just because the jazz series was included in their season tickets. Bunch of younger people ready to listen to MMW jam around and then a bunch of, well, old farts in fur coats.

    At one point the older dignified lady in front of us let one go that smelled like a diesel fumed truck stop. All the younger people were staring and pointing and holding their noses trying to outlast the toxic fumes wafting through the balcony. The lady never moved. Neither did her husband.

    It was the worst passing of gas I've ever had to endure.

    BTW, if you let off an air biscuit like that, it's best just to own up and claim it in a vociferous and proud manner. "Yeah, that was mine! Suffer, you fools!"

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    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    Simethicone is the gas drops you give to babies with gas when they get fussy. That stuff is the shiznit when it is needed. My youngest never was much of a burper. My older son could rattle the windows.
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    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  9. #9
    Opus PATH's Avatar
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    Remember to light a match, or several, and quicly extinguish them. MAke sure there is some smoke. I am not a chemist but the smell of the matches overpowers the foul emissions!
    Go raibh an chóir ghaoithe i gcónaí liom!

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    Lullaby Of Foo

    Now I lay me down to sleep
    Keep my bike safe from the bicycle thief
    Keep my tootsies toasty warm
    keep my carbon from any harm

    Good Night Road Bike
    Good Night Moutain Bike
    Good night all you Foosters
    And good night Moon

  10. #10
    Resident Old Fart Olebiker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KingTermite View Post
    The funnier one was when Gramma got a case of short gassies. We'd go for a walk and she'd pop a short/quick one on each step all night long. It was hella funny.
    Larry the Cable Guy calls them the "Walking Farts." He tells the story about how his Grandma got the walking farts while leaving the Bass Pro Shop. They accused her of stealing a duck call and some stink bait.
    Wag more, bark less

  11. #11
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  12. #12
    Opus PATH's Avatar
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    Also remember that farts are neither lumpy nor wet. If you experience the aforementioned you have just sh@t yourself.
    Go raibh an chóir ghaoithe i gcónaí liom!

    2007 Specialized Tricross Comp Triple, 2007 Trek T1, 2006 Specialized Roubaix
    2006 Bianchi Cross Concept, 1989 Miyata Sportrunner, 2006 Bianchi Axis, 2008 Specialized Crosstrail Expert







    Lullaby Of Foo

    Now I lay me down to sleep
    Keep my bike safe from the bicycle thief
    Keep my tootsies toasty warm
    keep my carbon from any harm

    Good Night Road Bike
    Good Night Moutain Bike
    Good night all you Foosters
    And good night Moon

  13. #13
    Blasted Weeds Tude's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Olebiker View Post
    Larry the Cable Guy calls them the "Walking Farts." He tells the story about how his Grandma got the walking farts while leaving the Bass Pro Shop. They accused her of stealing a duck call and some stink bait.
    Crop Dusters. Have a lot of them here.

  14. #14
    RustyTainte substructure's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PATH View Post
    Also remember that farts are neither lumpy nor wet. If you experience the aforementioned you have just sh@t yourself.
    We call them "sharts."

    "Oops. Honey, I think I just sharted," The man whispers to his wife in a crowded church sanctuary.
    "I told you not to force them out or this was going to happen. We're not even through praise and worship. What are you going to do now?"
    "I'm going outside and throw my shorts away."

    Man takes off underwear in church's restroom, hides them, and walks outside to the dumpster out back. As soon as he gets to the dumpster with soiled underwear in hand he hears someone coming from behind. He whips around and says, "These aren't mine!"
    "So you're throwing away someone else's crappy underwear?"

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    Senior Member JohnKScott's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jsharr View Post


    That's one of my favorite movie lines evar!

    "How 'bout some more beans Mr. Taggert?"

    "I think you've had enough"


  16. #16
    Senior Member -VELOCITY-'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KingTermite View Post
    An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "

    I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

    He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


    OMG. That was so funny. Thanks.

  17. #17
    Chairman of the Bored catatonic's Avatar
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    We used to have a guy over here that would crop dust all the time.....his kung fu was pretty weak though.

    I ended up doing an outdoor crop dust on him twice that was bad enough to stink up a 10 foot area around me (I KNOW how to throw down some righteous intestinal fury). I told him the beatings will continue until crop dustings are performed only in approved areas....he got the hint
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