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Old 01-11-08, 08:49 PM   #1
Tom Stormcrowe
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An Open Letter to Our Pets

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's but. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.

And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

c
. . . . . . . . . .
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Old 01-11-08, 09:15 PM   #2
Indyv8a
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I must say, my kids do eat a lot, don't come when called and don't clean up after themselves. On the other hand, I haven't had one of them leave a big, steamy pile in the living room.

(I love animals, the only thing that really keeps them from my house is allergies.)
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Old 01-11-08, 09:31 PM   #3
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A note to my dog:

Dear Melvin,

I wish to God anybody was half as glad to see me as you are every single day.

Sincerely,
Kris Pistofferson

PS-You are a good boy.
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Old 01-11-08, 09:57 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Tom Stormcrowe View Post

And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

c
. . . . . . . . . .

Nearly choked laughing on that one
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Old 01-11-08, 10:04 PM   #5
skiahh
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom Stormcrowe View Post
Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's but. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.

And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

c
. . . . . . . . . .
Oh, Tom... I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but there is. And it ain't cheap!

http://www.selectcomfort.com/special...dimensions.cfm

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Old 01-11-08, 10:22 PM   #6
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Old 01-12-08, 02:38 PM   #7
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A message to my wife cat: Shut the hell up at 4 am. I'm tired of you waking me up. A message to my wife's dog: Please learn to clip your own nails. Your pacing at night on the wood floors echo's through the house. Especially when you have to come into the bedroom at 4 am to see why the cat is trying to wake everyone else up.
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Old 01-12-08, 02:54 PM   #8
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Dear Jersey,

when I walk down the driveway to get the mail, there is no need to cry.
Im glad you lick me like it's been days but can I just walk around the house a little withought you thinking Im leaving you?



love always,
you're the best dog
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Old 01-12-08, 03:15 PM   #9
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Dear Zeo,

I know that, as a cat, you feel it is your duty to help me read the newspaper by lying on it. Trust me buddy, I can read Beetle Bailey just fine without your assistance.
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Old 01-12-08, 04:43 PM   #10
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Dear ASCII,
You are not a lap dog. You weigh 70 pounds. Please stop stepping on my nads when you get on the couch.
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Old 01-12-08, 05:09 PM   #11
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Dear Ralph,
stop eating, your getting overweight, and just because I am staring at you does not mean I'm about to kill you. You don't, I repeat, DO NOT have to puff up your tail such as a racoon, bend your ears back as far as you possibly can, and meow like a wolf howling at the moon.
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Old 01-12-08, 05:40 PM   #12
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Sounds like some people need to learn how to control their dogs. My dog only eats out of her dish and only after I give her permission to eat. She walks besides me when on walks or going up and down stairs, unless I tell her to run. She also stays on the right side, near the rear tire when I am on my bike. She is only allowed on the furniture when I give her permission. On the bed, she can go where she likes, but when it is time, she has to go to the foot of the bed on one side so I have enough room. She does not whine, cry, bark, scratch at the door when I leave or when in the bathroom. She might lay content on the other side until I open the door. If I am walking and she is in my path, she gets out of the way, I don't walk around or over her.

I am the alpha dog in this pack. This was not an easy job, but it wasn't difficult either. She was an abused dog that I got from the pound. She was 20 lbs underweight. She is now a healthy 50 lbs. That is correct, she was nearly half the weight she should have been. Her ears were fly bitten and bloody, hair missing from around her neck because of being tied up outside and neglected. Her toenails were not clipped. I am still working to get the rear dew claw nails to a good size but the rest are now good. She was aggressive towards other dogs. No longer, she now plays with other dogs that she meets and enjoys the dog park often.
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Old 01-12-08, 06:07 PM   #13
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Dear Zeo,

I know that, as a cat, you feel it is your duty to help me read the newspaper by lying on it. Trust me buddy, I can read Beetle Bailey just fine without your assistance.
cute.
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Old 01-12-08, 06:41 PM   #14
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Mac,

Thanks for just being you. No one else likes me when I reek of beer.
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Old 01-12-08, 06:46 PM   #15
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Ginger,

What's the deal with wanting to be let out every 20 mins? Lay off the water dish you soak.

Other than that, you've been a damn good dog. Everyone loves still loves you around here.

V1k
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Old 01-12-08, 07:25 PM   #16
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Dear Shawnee,

While I appreciate your hunting prowess, you don't have to prove it by bringing in your small furry prey and playing with it under my bed while I am trying to sleep. Feel free to catch all he rodents you like though.

On the subject of sleep. It is my bed, not yours, and I will sleep in whatever position I want. I will also take up as much space as I need. If you can't sleep on me that is too bad.

Meowing at me will not get you fed any earlier. If you don't like your food you are not supposed to let the neighbours cats in and watch them eat it.

yours, your obediant slave,
Symon.
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Old 01-12-08, 07:52 PM   #17
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Dear Bailey,

It sounds like you are the best behaved pet on BikeForums.
Thanks for being the only one who wants to go for a ride every time I do.
Good Boy. I'm still the alpha male today, just like yesterday. NO...Tom Stormcrowe is not bringing any wolves over to play today. I already told you he left them there.

Dad

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Old 01-12-08, 08:10 PM   #18
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Dear Bailey,

It sounds like you are the best behaved pet on BikeForums. Thanks for being the only one who wants to go for a ride every time I do.
Good Boy. I'm still the alpha male today, just like yesterday. NO...Tom Stormcrowe is not bringing any wolves over to play today. I already told you he left them there.

Dad
Was I not clear about this? My dog still loves me when I'm drunk.
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Old 01-12-08, 08:13 PM   #19
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Dear Cat of my son and daughter in-law. I sort of like cats - but don't push it. Hiding the toliet paper is pushing it.

Silky (my dog) - you are a great friend and protector. But, I am usually immune to your big brown eyes - but I have noticed no worker is.

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Old 01-12-08, 08:19 PM   #20
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Was I not clear about this? My dog still loves me when I'm drunk.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1xzuv-gejY
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Old 01-12-08, 08:20 PM   #21
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Dear Trotsky,

I hope to actually get you in the spring. And that your temperament will be everything I have hoped for.
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Old 01-12-08, 08:34 PM   #22
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/\What are you getting?/\
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Old 01-12-08, 08:36 PM   #23
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Dear Sprocket,

I hope you are enjoying your two weeks at the luxury doggie spa/boot camp. I miss you. Please come back without the need to hump EVERYTHING. Also, if you could have learned to tolerate the sight of bare legs it would make showering/going to bed/biking/walking you past runners much easier. Oh, and when I call your name, that's your command to come to me. Not ignore me.

But, if you still wanna do those things, then I'll forgive you. Because I'm too soft.

Your Pack Leader
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