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  1. #1
    The Site Administrator: Currently at home recovering from a couple of strokes,please contact my assistnt admins for forum issues Tom Stormcrowe's Avatar
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    An Open Letter to Our Pets

    Dear Dogs and Cats,

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's but. I cannot stress this enough!

    To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

    To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

    1. They live here. You don't.
    2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
    3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

    Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
    1. Eat less.
    2. Don't ask for money all the time.
    3. Are easier to train.
    4. Normally come when called.
    5. Never ask to drive the car.
    6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
    7. Don't smoke or drink.
    8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
    9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
    10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.

    And finally,
    11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

    c
    . . . . . . . . . .
    on light duty due to illness; please contact my assistants for forum issues. They are Siu Blue Wind, or CbadRider or the other 3 star folk. I am currently at home recovering from a couple of strokes. I am making good progress, happily.


    . “He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”- Fredrick Nietzsche

    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." - Immanuel Kant

  2. #2
    Senior Member Indyv8a's Avatar
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    I must say, my kids do eat a lot, don't come when called and don't clean up after themselves. On the other hand, I haven't had one of them leave a big, steamy pile in the living room.

    (I love animals, the only thing that really keeps them from my house is allergies.)
    Slow, but at least still moving...

  3. #3
    Immoderator KrisPistofferson's Avatar
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    A note to my dog:

    Dear Melvin,

    I wish to God anybody was half as glad to see me as you are every single day.

    Sincerely,
    Kris Pistofferson

    PS-You are a good boy.

  4. #4
    Nothing here to see!!!!!! flyingscotsman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tom Stormcrowe View Post

    And finally,
    11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

    c
    . . . . . . . . . .

    Nearly choked laughing on that one

  5. #5
    Senior Member skiahh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tom Stormcrowe View Post
    Dear Dogs and Cats,

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's but. I cannot stress this enough!

    To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

    To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

    1. They live here. You don't.
    2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
    3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

    Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
    1. Eat less.
    2. Don't ask for money all the time.
    3. Are easier to train.
    4. Normally come when called.
    5. Never ask to drive the car.
    6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
    7. Don't smoke or drink.
    8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
    9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
    10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.

    And finally,
    11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

    c
    . . . . . . . . . .
    Oh, Tom... I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but there is. And it ain't cheap!

    http://www.selectcomfort.com/special...dimensions.cfm

    www.teamnavycycling.org
    2010 Pivot Mach 429
    09 Felt Nine Race
    03 Litespeed Tuscany

  6. #6
    Senior Member randya's Avatar
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  7. #7
    Senior Member jaxgtr's Avatar
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    A message to my wife cat: Shut the hell up at 4 am. I'm tired of you waking me up. A message to my wife's dog: Please learn to clip your own nails. Your pacing at night on the wood floors echo's through the house. Especially when you have to come into the bedroom at 4 am to see why the cat is trying to wake everyone else up.
    Brian | 2015 Cannondale Synapse Carbon 3 | 2014 Trek CrossRip Comp | 2013 Cannondale SuperSix (for sale)
    Quote Originally Posted by AEO View Post
    you should learn to embrace change, and mock it's failings every step of the way.

  8. #8
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    Dear Jersey,

    when I walk down the driveway to get the mail, there is no need to cry.
    Im glad you lick me like it's been days but can I just walk around the house a little withought you thinking Im leaving you?



    love always,
    you're the best dog

  9. #9
    Resident Old Fart Olebiker's Avatar
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    Dear Zeo,

    I know that, as a cat, you feel it is your duty to help me read the newspaper by lying on it. Trust me buddy, I can read Beetle Bailey just fine without your assistance.
    Wag more, bark less

  10. #10
    Gears? CliftonGK1's Avatar
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    Dear ASCII,
    You are not a lap dog. You weigh 70 pounds. Please stop stepping on my nads when you get on the couch.
    "I feel like my world was classier before I found cyclocross."
    - Mandi M.

  11. #11
    Senior Member Ted Danson's Avatar
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    Dear Ralph,
    stop eating, your getting overweight, and just because I am staring at you does not mean I'm about to kill you. You don't, I repeat, DO NOT have to puff up your tail such as a racoon, bend your ears back as far as you possibly can, and meow like a wolf howling at the moon.
    Merton Enthusiast

  12. #12
    Senior Member SweetLou's Avatar
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    Sounds like some people need to learn how to control their dogs. My dog only eats out of her dish and only after I give her permission to eat. She walks besides me when on walks or going up and down stairs, unless I tell her to run. She also stays on the right side, near the rear tire when I am on my bike. She is only allowed on the furniture when I give her permission. On the bed, she can go where she likes, but when it is time, she has to go to the foot of the bed on one side so I have enough room. She does not whine, cry, bark, scratch at the door when I leave or when in the bathroom. She might lay content on the other side until I open the door. If I am walking and she is in my path, she gets out of the way, I don't walk around or over her.

    I am the alpha dog in this pack. This was not an easy job, but it wasn't difficult either. She was an abused dog that I got from the pound. She was 20 lbs underweight. She is now a healthy 50 lbs. That is correct, she was nearly half the weight she should have been. Her ears were fly bitten and bloody, hair missing from around her neck because of being tied up outside and neglected. Her toenails were not clipped. I am still working to get the rear dew claw nails to a good size but the rest are now good. She was aggressive towards other dogs. No longer, she now plays with other dogs that she meets and enjoys the dog park often.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Olebiker View Post
    Dear Zeo,

    I know that, as a cat, you feel it is your duty to help me read the newspaper by lying on it. Trust me buddy, I can read Beetle Bailey just fine without your assistance.
    cute.

  14. #14
    don't misunderestimate me BoSoxYacht's Avatar
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    Mac,

    Thanks for just being you. No one else likes me when I reek of beer.

  15. #15
    Gorntastic! v1k1ng1001's Avatar
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    Ginger,

    What's the deal with wanting to be let out every 20 mins? Lay off the water dish you soak.

    Other than that, you've been a damn good dog. Everyone loves still loves you around here.

    V1k

  16. #16
    shaken, not stirred. gnome's Avatar
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    Dear Shawnee,

    While I appreciate your hunting prowess, you don't have to prove it by bringing in your small furry prey and playing with it under my bed while I am trying to sleep. Feel free to catch all he rodents you like though.

    On the subject of sleep. It is my bed, not yours, and I will sleep in whatever position I want. I will also take up as much space as I need. If you can't sleep on me that is too bad.

    Meowing at me will not get you fed any earlier. If you don't like your food you are not supposed to let the neighbours cats in and watch them eat it.

    yours, your obediant slave,
    Symon.
    Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live. ~Mark Twain, "Taming the Bicycle"
    vBulletin: snafu

  17. #17
    Dog is my co-pilot 2manybikes's Avatar
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    Dear Bailey,

    It sounds like you are the best behaved pet on BikeForums.
    Thanks for being the only one who wants to go for a ride every time I do.
    Good Boy. I'm still the alpha male today, just like yesterday. NO...Tom Stormcrowe is not bringing any wolves over to play today. I already told you he left them there.

    Dad

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  18. #18
    don't misunderestimate me BoSoxYacht's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2manybikes View Post
    Dear Bailey,

    It sounds like you are the best behaved pet on BikeForums. Thanks for being the only one who wants to go for a ride every time I do.
    Good Boy. I'm still the alpha male today, just like yesterday. NO...Tom Stormcrowe is not bringing any wolves over to play today. I already told you he left them there.

    Dad
    Was I not clear about this? My dog still loves me when I'm drunk.

  19. #19
    Third World Layabout crtreedude's Avatar
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    Dear Cat of my son and daughter in-law. I sort of like cats - but don't push it. Hiding the toliet paper is pushing it.

    Silky (my dog) - you are a great friend and protector. But, I am usually immune to your big brown eyes - but I have noticed no worker is.


  20. #20
    Dog is my co-pilot 2manybikes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BoSoxYacht View Post
    Was I not clear about this? My dog still loves me when I'm drunk.


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1xzuv-gejY
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  21. #21
    ****** squegeeboo's Avatar
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    Dear Trotsky,

    I hope to actually get you in the spring. And that your temperament will be everything I have hoped for.
    In the words of Einstein
    "And now I think I'll take a bath"

  22. #22
    don't misunderestimate me BoSoxYacht's Avatar
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    /\What are you getting?/\

  23. #23
    awaiting uci approval tombailey's Avatar
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    Dear Sprocket,

    I hope you are enjoying your two weeks at the luxury doggie spa/boot camp. I miss you. Please come back without the need to hump EVERYTHING. Also, if you could have learned to tolerate the sight of bare legs it would make showering/going to bed/biking/walking you past runners much easier. Oh, and when I call your name, that's your command to come to me. Not ignore me.

    But, if you still wanna do those things, then I'll forgive you. Because I'm too soft.

    Your Pack Leader

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