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Old 01-18-08, 06:22 AM   #1
royalflash
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OK I really need your help now and I don't know where else to turn..

A colleague of mine has arranged an after work dinner and I REALLY don't want to go. Why is too embarassing to go into but take it from me honesty is NOT the best policy here so I need to wriggle out using old fashioned lies and subterfuge. This is difficult as it is a 10-year aniversary thing and my absence will be noted and questions will be asked.

My colleague has sent an e-mail that she can be flexible about the dates so this makes it hard to claim that I am washing my hair on that particular night.

Also I can't claim that I am out of country as I have to be in work around the dates in question.

My preferred strategy is to wait as long as possible (just say I am not sure about my availability if asked) without replying till the date is fixed then just say sorry can't make it on that date and not offer any further information.

Has anyone got any better strategies and what is the best excuse (or most creative) you have heard for not turning up to social engagements?
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Old 01-18-08, 06:30 AM   #2
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If you want to get out of it without lying, take a chicken salad andwich to work the day of the event. But leave the chicken salad out for several hours the night before, then refrigerate overnight. Eat lunch "early," then, when the cramping, nausea, cold chills and diarrhea start by mid-afternoon, no one will doubt that you need to be home, and no one would dare question your absence that night. Of course, you may be the butt of a few bad jokes, but, hey, you won't be there to hear them anyway!
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Old 01-18-08, 06:44 AM   #3
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Thanks but I work in a big office and the colleagues in qustion probably won't seem me vomiting so my efforts will have been wasted- any other suggestions?

I did think that maybe I should adopt an alternative strategy of appearing keen to go and then just not turning up on the night on account of a sudden flu infection but this could be riskier.
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Old 01-18-08, 07:16 AM   #4
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Announce that you're fasting in solidarity with the children starving in Sudan.
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Old 01-18-08, 07:18 AM   #5
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Please explain how lying could ever be 'better' than telling the truth? What gives anyone the right to steal under any circumstance?
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Old 01-18-08, 07:28 AM   #6
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tell the pervs to get lost
and that clowns suits are not acceptable
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Old 01-18-08, 07:48 AM   #7
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Thanks but I work in a big office and the colleagues in qustion probably won't seem me vomiting so my efforts will have been wasted- any other suggestions?

I did think that maybe I should adopt an alternative strategy of appearing keen to go and then just not turning up on the night on account of a sudden flu infection but this could be riskier.
Well, they won't see you vomiting unless you find some reason to walk over to their area and spew. Of course, if you spew a few times anywhere outside the toilet area, word will get around....
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Old 01-18-08, 08:05 AM   #8
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Please explain how lying could ever be 'better' than telling the truth?
the stealing thing is bit off topic but lying is often better than telling the truth-for example Schindler lied, bribed, stole and committed many practices that one would consider unethical but few would say that it would have been better if he hadn't done so to save many lives.

Is it better to tell the truth and hurt people or better to lie? a considerable moral maze but one I don't have time to fully analyze as I need a watertight strategy now.
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Old 01-18-08, 08:14 AM   #9
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Well, my strategy isn't exactly "watertight," so to speak, so I guess I'll bow out. Good luck!
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Old 01-18-08, 08:20 AM   #10
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Ok thanks for the suggestion Vegavixen even though it was really nauseating - but we are just brainstorming here
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Old 01-18-08, 08:22 AM   #11
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Well, as long as we're brainstorming, I'll just say that no one has ever died of embarassment, in reference to your OP. Jes' sayin'.
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Old 01-18-08, 08:25 AM   #12
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the stealing thing is bit off topic but lying is often better than telling the truth-for example Schindler lied, bribed, stole and committed many practices that one would consider unethical but few would say that it would have been better if he hadn't done so to save many lives.

Is it better to tell the truth and hurt people or better to lie? a considerable moral maze but one I don't have time to fully analyze as I need a watertight strategy now.
No, stealing is spot on topic. To lie to someone its to steal the truth from them. Lets complete the equation: "Is it better to tell the truth and hurt people or better to lie and have the hurt be multiplied because you didn't tell the truth in the first place? Sometimes pain is part of the truth.

Are you telling me that you have engaged in Schindler like actions? I hardly doubt it.

Where you are now is the direct result of your actions or inactions in the past. You danced, it's time to pay the band. You will NOT win this debate... I've been down this road.

HTFU!
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Old 01-18-08, 08:27 AM   #13
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Where you are now is the direct result of your actions or inactions in the past. You danced, it's time to pay the band. You will NOT win this debate... I've been down this road.

HTFU!
I have nothing to add except +100000000000000
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Old 01-18-08, 08:31 AM   #14
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Old 01-18-08, 08:42 AM   #15
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I put my vote in for the tangled web of lies. It keeps the mind sharp.

1. Plan to be there and make it clear that you want to get there. The night of, while you were running some errands with a friend, s/he got rear-ended by a drunk. Her car's pretty smashed up but nobody was hurt, thankfully. But she's a little freaked out and you have to wait to file a police report. "Start without me, if I can make it, I'll be there." This only works if you've (wisely) avoided mixing work people and the people you actually like being with. You want everything to be unverifiable.

2. As VV pointed out, stories of public vomiting will circulate around the office like wildfire. I don't recommend the spoiled chicken salad, though. Syrup of ipecac works, though very unpleasant. It's gotten me out of a few days of elementary school, but I'm still not sure if it was ever worth it. Though it's likely I was taking too large a dose.

3. Bipolar friend is having a panic attack/personal crisis. You feel you should stick around. As with #1, needs to be unverifiable by people at work.

Get creative. Lying in situations like this is easy and fun if you keep to two simple rules: 1. it must be a realistic situation and 2. completely unverifiable. You'd be amazed at how many people half-ass their lies like they don't take any pride in their work.

So, anyway, are there videos floating around of you mounting this lady's daughter or something?
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Old 01-18-08, 08:51 AM   #16
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You are one sick batsard!
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Old 01-18-08, 09:08 AM   #17
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If the truth is too embarrassing to tell then I just want you to know there is a bad case of flu going around. And it would suck big time if you exposed everyone to it. Now you don't want to be selfish and get everyone sick, do you?
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Old 01-18-08, 09:43 AM   #18
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If the truth is too embarrassing to tell then I just want you to know there is a bad case of flu going around. And it would suck big time if you exposed everyone to it. Now you don't want to be selfish and get everyone sick, do you?
But, if the truth is so overwhelmingly embarrassing that it can't be told, then don't say you have the flu and then be seen wandering around town.

Or, you could just go with "that was then, this is now. I can't control the fact that it happened. I can't control how people think of me. I CAN control how I think of myself, and I need to stop letting it bother me." Move forward. You will feel better.

How do you know that what you think of as embarassing will even be remembered from ten years back?

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Old 01-18-08, 09:44 AM   #19
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How do you know that what you think of as embarassing will even be remembered from ten years back?
I can tell you haven't seen the video...
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Old 01-18-08, 09:57 AM   #20
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Of course, it's always possible to simply decline. And you need not give a reason. Seriously. Just say, "I'm sorry, but I must turn down your kind invitation." If they ask why, that's a bit rude on their part, but you only have to say, "I'm sorry, I just have to decline. Thank you in any case for the invitation. I'm sure the evening will be a great success for you." And smile.
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Old 01-18-08, 10:00 AM   #21
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Of course, it's always possible to simply decline. And you need not give a reason. Seriously. Just say, "I'm sorry, but I must turn down your kind invitation." If they ask why, that's a bit rude on their part, but you only have to say, "I'm sorry, I just have to decline. Thank you in any case for the invitation. I'm sure the evening will be a great success for you." And smile.
And then throw up on her desk.
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Old 01-18-08, 10:04 AM   #22
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Old 01-18-08, 10:11 AM   #23
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I can tell you haven't seen the video...
So true!

There's still going to be some embarrassment, though. Perhaps if you explain to the person putting on the dinner why you would rather avoid the situation?

What I'm saying is--do you want to spend the rest of your life avoiding this, coming up with reasons every few years, or do you want to be done with it now? You are building it up in your mind as a horrible event, and the fear of the event is worse than the event itself. Break the logjam.

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Old 01-18-08, 10:12 AM   #24
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If the truth is too embarrassing to tell then I just want you to know there is a bad case of flu going around. And it would suck big time if you exposed everyone to it. Now you don't want to be selfish and get everyone sick, do you?
I read something somewhere about the bubonic plague making a comeback. Could that be helpful?
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Old 01-18-08, 10:32 AM   #25
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diarrhea, cha cha cha, diarrhea, cha cha cha.. You wake up in the morning, put your feet on the floor, it's a fifty yard dash to the bathroom door, diarrhea cha cha, diarrhea cha cha.
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