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  1. #1
    Dog is my co-pilot 2manybikes's Avatar
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    Excerpts from a Dog's Diary - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

    Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
    8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
    9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
    12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
    5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing

    Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
    Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. *******s!

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously ********.

    The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  2. #2
    Banned. timmyquest's Avatar
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    I saw this a few months ago, it's funny, of course, because it's true.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Lamplight's Avatar
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    Glad you posted that. I've seen it before but couldn't remember where.

  4. #4
    angry young clown rollotheclown's Avatar
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    every time I see this I chuckle heartily...

    the short synopsis I've heard of this goes like this

    A dog's view "people feed me, they pet me, they clean up after me... they must be gods"

    a cat's view "people feed me, they feed me, they clean up after me... I must be a god"
    "more clowns on more bikes, more of the time"

    "there's no such thing as strong coffee, only weak people"

  5. #5
    Royal Grand Exalted Pooba smoke's Avatar
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    dogs have friends. cats have staff
    'In the end they will lay their freedom at our feet and say to us, "Make us your slaves, but feed us." '

    -Fyodor Dostoevsky's Grand Inquisitor

  6. #6
    Senior Member deraltekluge's Avatar
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    Counterspy
    Richard Foss

    Bad news, Boss:

    We have been working on that project to spy on the Third-planeters like you ordered, using the raw material you suggested—the cats. We were originally set on using dogs because most of them are bigger and we wouldn’t have to miniaturize the transmitters as much, but we decided you were right. The transmitter implant worked great on our test dog, but every time it followed Third-planeters from room to room to track a conversation, they put it outside. There was also a problem with mimicking customary behavior when the subject was under our control. To give just one example, Third-planeters would throw objects and then stare expectantly at our spies. It turned out that they expected our spies to go get them and bring them back, but we still haven’t figured out why.

    The cats are smaller, which gave our transmitter designers fits for a long time, but while our technicians were wrestling with the problem, we observed Third-planeter/cat relations and they seemed to be greatly to our benefit. Third-planeters don’t seem to expect cats to obey orders, and aren’t surprised at nearly anything one does. One of our early implant units had a major break down and the cat we were controlling went running all over one of their domiciles, chasing nothing and making horrible noises. Not one of the Third-planeters thought that was unusual. That should have made us suspicious, but it didn’t.

    Anyway, the designers finally made a breakthrough, and created an organic transmitter that was capable of controlling the animal while making use of most of its sensory data. We settled for eyes and ears. We could have added smell and touch, but the unit would have been too bulky. The unit was to be powered from the cat nervous system, and our designers managed to minimize it to a cluster of just one hundred cells, set in a spot right at the base of the brain. That’s right—one hundred. The best minds on our home planet hadn’t been able to do it with less than three hundred before this. It required a different implant location than the older models, so it was trickier for the surgery department, but we were sure it was worth it.

    We went to implant the first of the improved models, and that’s where the bad news comes in. There was already one there, and not with a hundred cells. Fifty, that’s all it took them, arranged in a double helix. Somebody else is already here and spying on them too. These cats act like they’re from another world because they are.

    Bad news, all bad news. Before we knew about the other transmitter, we took some cats to our base so the transmitter implanters could work on them, and they’re not behaving like they did down on Third-planet. They’re watching every move we make, and from the way they pay attention I’m afraid they’re decoding our speech. My team are writing notes to communicate to each other, but I’m afraid it’s too late. They’ve seen us without our disguises.

    We’re busted, Boss. But I don’t know by who.

    ~~~~~~
    Analog Science Fiction and Fact
    January, 2003

  7. #7
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    The first half of the OP is my favorite thing.
    Are you a registered member? Why not? Click here to register. It's free and only takes 27 seconds! Help out the forums, abide by our community guidelines.
    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  8. #8
    Dog is my co-pilot 2manybikes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jsharr View Post
    The first half of the OP is my favorite thing.
    You dog !
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  9. #9
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2manybikes View Post
    You dog !
    I am my favorite thing? hey, you're right, I am my favorite thing. I loves me some me.
    Are you a registered member? Why not? Click here to register. It's free and only takes 27 seconds! Help out the forums, abide by our community guidelines.
    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  10. #10
    Dog is my co-pilot 2manybikes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jsharr View Post
    I am my favorite thing? hey, you're right, I am my favorite thing. I loves me some me.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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