Advertise on Bikeforums.net



User Tag List

Results 1 to 10 of 10
  1. #1
    Banned wagathon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Posts
    1,728
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Interesting E-mail: a Taser Classic!

    Taser Classic...don' t tell me you can read this without laughing... (Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary submitted this:


    Last weekend at Larry's ****** & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife-who would never consider a ***-adequate time to retreat to safety.


    WAY TOO COOL!!


    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.. Awesome!!!


    (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave).


    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!


    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??


    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand , and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.


    So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.


    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.


    You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... That hurt like heck!!!


    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples we re still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.


    Still in shock,

    Earl


  2. #2
    On my TARDIScycle! KingTermite's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Eastside Seattlite Termite Mound
    My Bikes
    Trek 520, Trek Navigator 300, Peugeot Versailles PE10DE
    Posts
    3,928
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    LOL
    Quote Originally Posted by coffeecake View Post
    - it's pretty well established that Hitler was an *******.

  3. #3
    shaken, not stirred. gnome's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    The Shaky Isles.
    My Bikes
    I've lost count.
    Posts
    2,864
    Mentioned
    6 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live. ~Mark Twain, "Taming the Bicycle"
    vBulletin: snafu

  4. #4
    Senior Member Michigander's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    My Bikes
    Giant ATX 1200, Schwinn Peleton
    Posts
    1,727
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Cute, but electricity isn't even close to funny, and tasers definitely don't work like that.
    Bring back the Sig Test!


    (\__/)
    (='.'=)
    (")_(")

  5. #5
    On my TARDIScycle! KingTermite's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Eastside Seattlite Termite Mound
    My Bikes
    Trek 520, Trek Navigator 300, Peugeot Versailles PE10DE
    Posts
    3,928
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by Michigander View Post
    Cute, but electricity isn't even close to funny, and tasers definitely don't work like that.
    Did you mistake this for some serious forum?
    Quote Originally Posted by coffeecake View Post
    - it's pretty well established that Hitler was an *******.

  6. #6
    NitroPye
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Michigander View Post
    Cute, but electricity isn't even close to funny, and tasers definitely don't work like that.
    The internets is serious business.

  7. #7
    Banned wagathon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Posts
    1,728
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    So ... why didn't he just try it out on the cat?




  8. #8
    Hardrocker
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    1,569
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    "Best of Craigslist - Still looking for Testicle"

  9. #9
    Senior Member randya's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    in bed with your mom
    My Bikes
    who cares?
    Posts
    13,696
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    bump

  10. #10
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Just NW of Richardson Bike Mart
    My Bikes
    '05 Trek 1200 / '90 Trek 8000 / '? Falcon Europa
    Posts
    6,082
    Mentioned
    11 Post(s)
    Tagged
    3 Thread(s)
    Dang, that was funny.
    Are you a registered member? Why not? Click here to register. It's free and only takes 27 seconds! Help out the forums, abide by our community guidelines.
    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •