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Old 01-24-08, 09:07 AM   #1
johnblake
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Long Distance Relationship Question...

So this last weekend I went to visit a friend in Florida. Well, there was a girl that drove in and met us from Alabama. Well.... we ended up hitting it off, and got really attached. I flew in on a friday from Oklahoma, she drove in from Alabama that same friday. She is my best friend from college's best friend growing up. We've been skiing together once 3 years ago, but didn't hit it off like we did this weekend. There is definitely something there. But now I'm back in Oklahoma, and she is back in Alabama. Anyone ever been in a situation like this?
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Old 01-24-08, 09:09 AM   #2
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So this last weekend I went to visit a friend in Florida. Well, there was a girl that drove in and met us from Alabama. Well.... we ended up hitting it off, and got really attached. I flew in on a friday from Oklahoma, she drove in from Alabama that same friday. She is my best friend from college's best friend growing up. We've been skiing together once 3 years ago, but didn't hit it off like we did this weekend. There is definitely something there. But now I'm back in Oklahoma, and she is back in Alabama. Anyone ever been in a situation like this?
kind of.

unless one of you make the leap, it's not going to pan out.
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Old 01-24-08, 09:09 AM   #3
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Yes. We'd married and then divorced someteen years later.
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Old 01-24-08, 09:24 AM   #4
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Yes. Only we started off in the same town. We started seeing each other four years after we met (I was in NC, he was in IL, then FL, then RI, then MD). It ended three years later while I was overseas.

Never again.
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Old 01-24-08, 09:29 AM   #5
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I've had good (happening now) and bad experiences. I dated a woman who only lived a 2 hour drive away and it was miserable. This last time I left a girlfriend (of about 6 months at the time) in FL when I moved out here to Washington. She plans to move out, but it won't be until September (earliest) of this year. Our relationship is still going quite well.

The bottom line from your situation is that you don't have enough time/history with her so I seriously doubt it would work out. You would need to spend more time with her for it have any kind of "grounding". You need to forget it or one of you needs to move.
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Old 01-24-08, 09:33 AM   #6
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Use up your vacation time, have her use up hers and let it run its course. You're going to be thinking about her constantly anyway, may as well enjoy it for now.
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Old 01-24-08, 09:34 AM   #7
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Old 01-24-08, 09:35 AM   #8
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I did that a for about 2 years. Never again.

It was nice that you spend a lot of time with them for a week or two when you or they visit, and nice getting them out of your hair when they leave, but it'd be like working a job that was like 3 weeks on, 3 weeks off, gets old after a while. Unless one of you seriously planned to relocate in the near future, not worth pursuing, too many other girls out there to make it worth it.
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Old 01-24-08, 09:35 AM   #9
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Yes. My wife and I where friends in grade school and became really good friends in high school, we then went to colleges in different states, we remained friends and would visit each on holidays and summer breaks. Our Jr year in college we got more serious and dated on and off for the next 2-3 years after college we got married and have been married for 7 years. It took a lot of work but was well worth it.
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Old 01-24-08, 09:40 AM   #10
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kind of.

unless one of you make the leap, it's not going to pan out.
Very true, it takes more work then a local relationship and you have ask yourself is this the one, and if not why bother, but don't burn bridges. My wife and broke up a few times and would date other people, we just realized we would rather be with each other.
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Old 01-24-08, 01:28 PM   #11
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I've been in long distance relationships and known a number of people who try it. I know couples where the husband and wife live in different states.

In short, a very important part of a relationship is seeing that person every day (or at least very often) -- there's something inherently screwed up about having your life tied up with someone who isn't actually there. Communications have improved dramatically, and that helps, but not enough.

You can be close to people that are far away, but it's not the same and except in temporary situations with a known end, they represent people who are kidding themselves. If you feel that strongly about this chick and want a permanent situation, one or the other of you should move.

If neither of you is able, that's a sign of things to come unless you're looking for a temporary relationship that will be fun while it lasts. If you are in different areas, you will take different trajectories that pull you apart. On an aside note, you get out of relationships what you put into them. I'd weigh in to take a risk and move. It will be an adventure no matter what happens and I doubt you'll regret it.
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Old 01-24-08, 01:38 PM   #12
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Most people don't have long distance relationships and at the end of the day a majority of relationships fail. Throw 2,000 miles between you and the fact that you don't ever see each other, nor get to experience true life together, then you can see the overwhelming odds are against you.

Doesn't mean it won't work, but you better look at your odds.
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Old 01-24-08, 01:59 PM   #13
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It will never last, move on.
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Old 01-24-08, 02:00 PM   #14
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Kind of in that situation now, but it's not "official". Been at it for three years now and may move eventually if it keeps progressing. I hate where I live anyway.
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Old 01-24-08, 02:17 PM   #15
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I've been in long distance relationships and known a number of people who try it. I know couples where the husband and wife live in different states.
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Old 01-24-08, 02:21 PM   #16
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I figure if you can't maintain a relationship then it probably wasn't worth maintaining...
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Old 01-24-08, 03:14 PM   #17
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I've been in long distance relationships and known a number of people who try it. I know couples where the husband and wife live in different states.

In short, a very important part of a relationship is seeing that person every day (or at least very often) -- there's something inherently screwed up about having your life tied up with someone who isn't actually there. Communications have improved dramatically, and that helps, but not enough.

You can be close to people that are far away, but it's not the same and except in temporary situations with a known end, they represent people who are kidding themselves. If you feel that strongly about this chick and want a permanent situation, one or the other of you should move.

If neither of you is able, that's a sign of things to come unless you're looking for a temporary relationship that will be fun while it lasts. If you are in different areas, you will take different trajectories that pull you apart. On an aside note, you get out of relationships what you put into them. I'd weigh in to take a risk and move. It will be an adventure no matter what happens and I doubt you'll regret it.
I know a number of couples who do the "living in different states/countries" quite well. So is the life of the young academic(especially if the relationship is between 2 young academics). Although Banerjek's argument is quite passionate, it overlooks the "different strokes for different folks" factor.

The "you get out of relationships what you put into them" idea is right on target. But the idea is not limited by geographical proximity.

I've previously sworn off long-distance relationships(I'm currently 0-fer them going well), but I'd do it again for the sake of trying in the right situation.
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Old 01-24-08, 03:50 PM   #18
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I've been in two. One with a two hour time difference and the other eight hours. Both relationships were tough to endure. Eventually the two hour one moved here but that ended after a few years. I don't see it happening again for me. You have a long week at work and on Friday evening all you want to do is get home and hold her, and well yeah, no can do.
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Old 01-24-08, 05:27 PM   #19
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I've been in long distance relationships and known a number of people who try it. I know couples where the husband and wife live in different states.

In short, a very important part of a relationship is seeing that person every day (or at least very often) -- there's something inherently screwed up about having your life tied up with someone who isn't actually there. Communications have improved dramatically, and that helps, but not enough.

You can be close to people that are far away, but it's not the same and except in temporary situations with a known end, they represent people who are kidding themselves. If you feel that strongly about this chick and want a permanent situation, one or the other of you should move.

If neither of you is able, that's a sign of things to come unless you're looking for a temporary relationship that will be fun while it lasts. If you are in different areas, you will take different trajectories that pull you apart. On an aside note, you get out of relationships what you put into them.
I'd weigh in to take a risk and move. It will be an adventure no matter what happens and I doubt you'll regret it.
That's so scary. I'll finish grad school in may and could get a job there but still... that's so scary. Especially considering ALL my family is in Oklahoma and can you tell by my sig and pictures... I'm an Okie through and through... I mean, I think about her constantly, and I can really see this thing working but, wow, what a plunge that would be! Scary thing is, I'm actually considering it.
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Old 01-24-08, 05:56 PM   #20
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I live in the state of Confusion, Cheri lives somewhere in the clouds...we get on fine.

Botto hit the nail on the head. At some point one or the other is gonna have to jump, otherwise, just enjoy what you have, while you have it and don't get all caught up in what you don't got or wish you had.
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Old 01-24-08, 06:33 PM   #21
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That's so scary. I'll finish grad school in may and could get a job there but still... that's so scary. Especially considering ALL my family is in Oklahoma and can you tell by my sig and pictures... I'm an Okie through and through... I mean, I think about her constantly, and I can really see this thing working but, wow, what a plunge that would be! Scary thing is, I'm actually considering it.
It is scary, but it can work. When I moved to Oregon, I followed someone out. I had no job or prospects of one (like you, I was just finishing my graduate degree). I also did not know anything about where I was moving -- I'd never heard of Eugene before I knew my girlfriend-who-wasn't-even-my-fiance landed a job there. I didn't know anyone in the state and my family and friends were thousands of miles behind.

If you go for it, you will be inspired to do your best because you have no other option. When I arrived, I kicked around boxes in a dept store and then got a job in a compact disk manufacturing facility. Now, I have a pretty swanky ride and multiple offices. If you keep digging, your ship will come in, you will be all the stronger for your experience, and you will appreciate what you have that much more.

You will not lose your connections with those who you value. It blows my wife's mind how close I am to friends and family that I rarely get to see. I think part of the reason I do maintain such close ties is I know exactly what I left behind and know it's way too important to take any of what I have for granted.

Just to play devil's advocate, what if things blow up in your face? I still think you'll benefit from the experience, and you will always be welcomed back in OK. In any case, being willing to take such a risk says a lot about your character and it sends a strong and unambiguous signal to this girl. People respect those who are willing to put themselves out there, and I think that while the move is risky, it also improves your chances of success.

One thing I'm not a fan of in terms of relationships is carrying a parachute. I know it is common, but when everyone is tentative (e.g. trial relationships, prenups, etc.) they're essentially giving themselves excuses for failure. Relationships require you to work your аss off sometimes and people that try to take it too easy wind up having a hard time in the end.

I'd say do some serious thinking, make a decision, and don't second guess yourself. Whatever you do will be the right thing.
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Old 01-24-08, 08:13 PM   #22
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Don't do it - she's from Alabama.

(I'm married to one)
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Old 01-24-08, 08:52 PM   #23
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So this last weekend I went to visit a friend in Florida. Well, there was a girl that drove in and met us from Alabama. Well.... we ended up hitting it off, and got really attached. I flew in on a friday from Oklahoma, she drove in from Alabama that same friday. She is my best friend from college's best friend growing up. We've been skiing together once 3 years ago, but didn't hit it off like we did this weekend. There is definitely something there. But now I'm back in Oklahoma, and she is back in Alabama. Anyone ever been in a situation like this?
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL Sorry I'm alittle bitter with long distance relationships right now. It can definitely work if both parties are willing to put the effort forth!!!
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Old 01-25-08, 08:03 AM   #24
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I guess technically I'm supposed to say "never again" because I eventually married the woman in question and we're still together (and live in the same domecile) and so short of some horrific tragedy there won't be any opportunities for an "again."

In the early 1990's, before we were married, she lived in New York City & I lived in Boston. If you asked her she would say unequivocally that it didn't work. And I will concur that it didn't work...for us.

But I think I'm the type of person for whom it could work. 'cept I have no idea what it would be like being in a long distance relationship with someone else for whom it could also work. So I guess I don't actually know what I'm talking about. I could be terribly wrong.

Okay, disregard previous. "Never Again."
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Old 01-25-08, 08:05 AM   #25
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I guess technically I'm supposed to say "never again" because I eventually married the woman in question and we're still together (and live in the same domecile) and so short of some horrific tragedy there won't be any opportunities for an "again."

In the early 1990's, before we were married, she lived in New York City & I lived in Boston. If you asked her she would say unequivocally that it didn't work. And I will concur that it didn't work...for us.

But I think I'm the type of person for whom it could work. 'cept I have no idea what it would be like being in a long distance relationship with someone else for whom it could also work. So I guess I don't actually know what I'm talking about. I could be terribly wrong.

Okay, disregard previous. "Never Again."
NY>Boston isn't really a 'long distance' relationship.
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