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Old 01-25-08, 05:48 PM   #1
cycle17
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Just got some bad news...

I just got a call from my father that my brother's father past away. We have the same mother...different fathers. I just finished telling my brother and he is taking it pretty well so far. They hadn't spoken in a while and my brother was just last week saying that he was thinking he should drive up and see him. Now I think that he feels regretful that he never got there. The news came right in the middle of dinner. Needles to say he's got a lot of different emotions going on right now. It's been a tough winter for both of us...but my brother really didn't need this right now.

Anyway...I'm just venting a bit. I knew his father too, and he was always a nice guy from my experiences. It kinda' awkward since we grew up separately and had different fathers. I'm usually not at a loss for words...but in this situation, I'm not sure what to say to him.
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Old 01-25-08, 05:51 PM   #2
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Never an easy thing to go through.

My brother and I are technically in the same boat as we have different fathers, however, we grew up together and only knew on father (his birth father).
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Old 01-25-08, 07:04 PM   #3
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Terribly sorry to hear it. I guess there's not much to say, just try to be there for him if/when he needs you.
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Old 01-25-08, 07:49 PM   #4
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I'm sorry, Cycle! That's such a tough situation to be in! I hope he gets through this ok!
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Old 01-25-08, 08:21 PM   #5
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Thanks for the kind words. He has been on and off the phone speaking with different people. While he was somewhat close with his father, he wasn't really close with anyone on that side of the family, so there isn't really anyone for him to talk to. He spoke with one of his father's friends a little while ago, but that person is much much older so the conversation was fairly nondescript. It's tough because I love my brother, but I can't really say much in regards to his father since I knew him so little. I guess I feel a little helpless in this situation. I want to help, but in this situation I just feel like I can't do much to help my lil' brother get through this. We did spend a little time just chatting about everyday things tonight and that seemed to help him a little. Someone else just called though, so he's on the phone and I can tell by his voice that he's trying real hard to keep it together. Ahh...well...life can be this way sometimes.
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Old 01-25-08, 08:27 PM   #6
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I'm sure that just by talking to him and listening to what he needs to say helps him out more than you will probably ever know.
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Old 01-25-08, 08:38 PM   #7
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I know.. you are probably right. Thanks.
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Old 01-25-08, 08:42 PM   #8
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Prayers and thoughts are with the family.
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Old 01-25-08, 11:11 PM   #9
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Cycle,

So sorry for your brothers loss. Sorry you had to break it to him. Just knowing that you are there for him means the world to your brother. Praying for both your families.

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Old 01-25-08, 11:18 PM   #10
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((hugs)) call him over to watch a game or something. get his mind off the loss, and if at all possible remind him of the good times
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Old 01-25-08, 11:24 PM   #11
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...but in this situation, I'm not sure what to say to him.
Just being available to talk, about whatever, may be one of the best things you can do. Hang in there. There's no easy way for a family to go through something like this
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Old 01-26-08, 12:36 AM   #12
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Very sorry to hear about this; as many others have said, take advantage of the support around you. Hang in there.
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Old 01-26-08, 07:48 AM   #13
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Sorry to hear about the death of your brother's father, cycle.

Just tell him that you don't know what to say, and ask him what he wants you to do or be for him at this time. This is much better than some clichéd platitude.

If he cries, just remember that you don't need to stop the tears. Not your job. It's his. Just let him cry. You might touch his shoulder, but let him cry. Crying is one way to release the feelings of anger and guilt that come early in grief. I always felt better after a good sob, and used to hate it when people would try to hold me and make me stop.

Also, if he expresses pain, again, not your job to "fix" it. It's his. But by just letting him articulate his sorrow, you support him in doing just that. I couldn't believe how many people would not let me finish expressing myself before just jumpin' in with platitudes. It's as though they weren't willing to really "be there" and listen to my heart.

It's a hard thing to watch someone in pain, and feel so helpless, but he has to reach out to you, and you'll know when he's doing this if you watch and pay attention. Trust me. And, he'll need you just as much a month or so from now, perhaps more, as the finality sinks in. Everyone is there for a mourner in the first two to three weeks, before the news has been fully absorbed. Then, as everyone who wasn't as close reaches acceptance, they get back to their own lives, and assume that the mourner has also reached a point of "ok." So.Not.True. Grief is a long process, and one feels the loss of a parent, child or spouse for a LONG time.
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