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Old 02-11-08, 10:19 PM   #1
Siu Blue Wind
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Scenario

A tragic accident happens to someone you care about dearly. A stranger responds to that accident and tends to that person helping the best they can. They contact you to notify you of the incident. You realize that their actions were clearly something that prevented something way worse from happening.

You begin to form a friendship with that person, thinking that this person is a Godsend, liking them more and more as you get to know each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Until you find out that this person was involved something terribly awful. So awful that you know otherwise you would NEVER EVER associate with this person. But in the meantime, if you never found out, you would still be forming a closeness with this person.

How would you react, what would your thinking be?
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Old 02-11-08, 10:23 PM   #2
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Best to keep a respectable distance.
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Old 02-11-08, 10:24 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Siu Blue Wind View Post
A tragic accident happens to someone you care about dearly. A stranger responds to that accident and tends to that person helping the best they can. They contact you to notify you of the incident. You realize that their actions were clearly something that prevented something way worse from happening.

You begin to form a friendship with that person, thinking that this person is a Godsend, liking them more and more as you get to know each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Until you find out that this person was involved something terribly awful. So awful that you know otherwise you would NEVER EVER associate with this person. But in the meantime, if you never found out, you would still be forming a closeness with this person.

How would you react, what would your thinking be?
How recent was this act?? If it was something a long time ago, WHO CARES!! Everyone has a past. Unless they murdered someone or something like that.

It really depends on the situation.
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Old 02-11-08, 10:26 PM   #4
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That what is in the past cannot be changed, but this person can change FROM what he/she was before.
  • What are they now? (I am NOT asking particulars, just asking you to assess)
  • Have they changed?
  • If so, don't they deserve some benefit of the doubt?
  • Are they really still that person they once were?


To err is human and to forgive, divine, as the saying goes. Just beware that trust extended can be violated....go slow (hypothetically speaking )
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Originally Posted by Siu Blue Wind View Post
A tragic accident happens to someone you care about dearly. A stranger responds to that accident and tends to that person helping the best they can. They contact you to notify you of the incident. You realize that their actions were clearly something that prevented something way worse from happening.

You begin to form a friendship with that person, thinking that this person is a Godsend, liking them more and more as you get to know each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Until you find out that this person was involved something terribly awful. So awful that you know otherwise you would NEVER EVER associate with this person. But in the meantime, if you never found out, you would still be forming a closeness with this person.

How would you react, what would your thinking be?
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Old 02-11-08, 10:27 PM   #5
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Best to keep a respectable distance.
Good words.
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Old 02-11-08, 10:28 PM   #6
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earlier this week i ate dinner with a devout catholic who is a buddy and a nazi from germany who was in town to visit family

no kidding

so people can learn to look past their differences and share common goals to make things work

but best to tread carefully and walk softly and be respectfully distant
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Old 02-11-08, 10:31 PM   #7
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BEER!
Fixed.
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Old 02-11-08, 10:37 PM   #8
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Wow, so much to think about, and the word DEPENDS stands out here to me. How much risk are you willing to accept, how long ago was the incident, what do you think of that particular crime, is the recitivism rate high/low?

So Siu, examine all the facts and still let your feelings have a say, but be careful.

One last question here, Do you feel he/she deserves another chance?

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Old 02-11-08, 10:45 PM   #9
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No benefit of doubt because they know them self what what happened. I believe this person wants to change, is trying to change but still... what they were involved in is almost unforgivable by almost anyone. It has to be forgiven from elsewhere, or if anything from deep inside them self. This happened not too long ago. A few years.

And yes, I think this person deserves another chance.
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Please dont outsmart the censor. That is a very expensive censor and every time one of you guys outsmart it it makes someone at the home office feel bad. We dont wanna do that. So dont cleverly disguise bad words.
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Old 02-11-08, 10:55 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Siu Blue Wind View Post
A tragic accident happens to someone you care about dearly. A stranger responds to that accident and tends to that person helping the best they can. They contact you to notify you of the incident. You realize that their actions were clearly something that prevented something way worse from happening.

You begin to form a friendship with that person, thinking that this person is a Godsend, liking them more and more as you get to know each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Until you find out that this person was involved something terribly awful. So awful that you know otherwise you would NEVER EVER associate with this person. But in the meantime, if you never found out, you would still be forming a closeness with this person.

How would you react, what would your thinking be?
You have to be true to yourself. You've answered your own question... "NEVER EVER" is pretty straightforward.
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Old 02-11-08, 10:58 PM   #11
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snip his balls off with a sharp object.
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Old 02-11-08, 11:17 PM   #12
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No benefit of doubt because they know them self what what happened. I believe this person wants to change, is trying to change but still... what they were involved in is almost unforgivable by almost anyone. It has to be forgiven from elsewhere, or if anything from deep inside them self. This happened not too long ago. A few years.

And yes, I think this person deserves another chance.
Unless if it was harming a child, but if the person has decided to go on the straight path, I say give them a shot, but........keep a watchful eye.
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Old 02-11-08, 11:18 PM   #13
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My only real advice is.. please don't be alone with this person Siu. I know there are tons of creeps out there that like to take advantage of your goodness, please don't let it happen.
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Old 02-12-08, 12:09 AM   #14
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How recent was this act?? If it was something a long time ago, WHO CARES!! Everyone has a past. Unless they murdered someone or something like that.

It really depends on the situation.
straight and to the point...and exactly how I feel. My past is sketchy at best, people that judge me loose my respect. Its not their place. This especially applies if they have learned from their mistakes.

Now, if this is a core moral value where "they" would still perform the same way, and "your" value is still different, then that is another issue altogether. Its possible its a chance for growth on your part.

But then again, differences create more interesting relationships than similarities. Maybe you should not look at it as a purely black and white situation, maybe there were cirumstances involved you cant understand.

As a last "view"...if this is morally reprehensible (I have values/offences I CAN'T forgive), then toss him.

As you can see, it depends on the "problem"..black and white doesn't exist.
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Old 02-12-08, 12:10 AM   #15
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My only real advice is.. please don't be alone with this person Siu. I know there are tons of creeps out there that like to take advantage of your goodness, please don't let it happen.
You seem to more than us...unfair advantage.
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Old 02-12-08, 12:16 AM   #16
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Depends on what it was and how it changed them.
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Old 02-12-08, 12:21 AM   #17
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straight and to the point...and exactly how I feel. My past is sketchy at best, people that judge me loose my respect. Its not their place. This especially applies if they have learned from their mistakes.

Now, if this is a core moral value where "they" would still perform the same way, and "your" value is still different, then that is another issue altogether. Its possible its a chance for growth on your part.

But then again, differences create more interesting relationships than similarities. Maybe you should not look at it as a purely black and white situation, maybe there were cirumstances involved you cant understand.

As a last "view"...if this is morally reprehensible (I have values/offences I CAN'T forgive), then toss him.

As you can see, it depends on the "problem"..black and white doesn't exist.
This is my struggle.
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Please dont outsmart the censor. That is a very expensive censor and every time one of you guys outsmart it it makes someone at the home office feel bad. We dont wanna do that. So dont cleverly disguise bad words.
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Old 02-12-08, 12:34 AM   #18
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I'd nuke it from orbit, it would be the only way to be sure.
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Old 02-12-08, 01:30 AM   #19
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I'd get a couple of books on sociopathy and narcissism and read them--
and then take a hard look at said person and decide if they fit the
diagnosis. Some personality disorders are really, really durable.
I'm not giving this diagnosis--I ain't no shrink, but doing evil things suggests the possibility
of sociopathy or narcissism.

But this is all very weird and hard to quantify without more facts.
I've read a lot about this stuff, took classes on it in law school--and
I have very uncanny intuition about people--so I seldom get hustled--
but some would say I am too suspicious.

Dr. Robert Hare's book is good, there are lots of things on the web.
A hallmark of a sociopathic hustle is that the person is able to intuit
and tell you what you want to hear--to make you feel understood--
to give the appearance of listening and to win your confidence. This
is eerily close to a real connection but the difference is the lack of empathy
and the instrumental way sociopaths will use the connection they make
you feel.

I say that in the end you have to stand back from how you feel about a person
and look for a pattern. Get all the facts you can about a person. Do they
consistently act in a reasonable way with one or two big eff ups? Or do they
consistently act in a way that is manipulative and claim that they want to get better.
The latter is a red flag. The former is probably just being human.

Last edited by Suttree; 02-12-08 at 01:54 AM.
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Old 02-12-08, 08:55 AM   #20
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This is of course without specifics. However some things can only be changed on the surface. A sexual predator will always have those tendencies. A child molester will always have those tendencies. An alcoholic can fight the urges quite successfully but especially if they have a violent past are one drink from becoming the person they used to be.

You are a very loving and caring person. People who manipulate will easily seek out your goodness because most others won't accept them. But then they're in a position to take advantage.

How close do you have to be? Do they have to know where you live? Do they have to know where you work? Do they have to know personal details of your life?

Perhaps (again, not knowing this may or may not be the case) they are trying to fight their path. Or maybe that past is them and they're just fighting to put a different face on.
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Old 02-12-08, 09:45 AM   #21
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This is my struggle.
Then that is your answer.
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Old 02-12-08, 09:54 AM   #22
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Try to imagine yourself with this person and these circumstances down the road....

Will it cause problems? BIG problems? If so, it won't be worth it....heartache will abound...or worse....
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Old 02-12-08, 10:03 AM   #23
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Try to imagine yourself with this person and these circumstances down the road....

Will it cause problems? BIG problems? If so, it won't be worth it....heartache will abound...or worse....
Indeed.

Can you step back and see if you are being manipulated? There are certain things which are almost impossible for someone to change--being a paedophile seems to be something which has almost a 100% recidivism rate.

I think I would go with 'keep a respectable distance', and watch for signs of being manipulated.

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Old 02-12-08, 10:11 AM   #24
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I'd be comfortable knowing that I probably did something much worse.
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Old 02-12-08, 10:23 AM   #25
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snip his balls off with a sharp object.
Careful, Jon. How do you know she isn't talking about you?
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