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  1. #1
    Banned. red house's Avatar
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    bus drivers = fun-gnee. .. :beer:

    Hello, ppl of teh foo..



    For anyone interested, I would like to share w/you a story. A funny story, about a very funny bus driver. Most ppl know how the public transport authority ppl are known for their keen appreciation of all that is funny - ( a jovial bunch!) .. But this, quite possibly, was the most funniest of them all. Even funnier than this -> guy <-- (good one!) Too bad the rest of the world was so utterly devoid of any sense of humor.

    ^^ *except for the Italians, of course.



    So.. like I said, this is the story of this.. -this great man. It's a story about the funniest bus driver - and quite possibly the funniest man to ever assume the uniform of a civil servant. But he is 'not' a meek a civil servant by disposition - he is more like an Adolph Hitler, truly a ''dictators dictator'' and yet he was so selfless that he chose an occupation where he can be of service to others!!

    Much like Adolph Hitler, I believe this man has also been very much misunderstood in life. You understand; He is a 'funny man', just like Hitler (Charlie Chaplin understood this btw) .. but his humor is almost certainly lost on the zombified masses whom he shuttles around to all the points of their pointless automaton like existencez.


    **And btw, I owe our encounter to the sloppy automatons who built my 80 dollar crank-bros stainless steel eggbeater pedals - which disassembled themselves spontaneously this past weekend! ..No tools required!! -?




    ** Unfortunately I max'd out my ten emoticon per/post allowance in teh process of telling the story. So I will post it in the next available post.
    Last edited by red house; 03-05-08 at 01:34 AM.

  2. #2
    Banned. red house's Avatar
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    So, I was taking the bus to work last night. Actually I'd already walked most of the way when I saw a bus approaching and with it the chance to shave a few minutes off the last ~ three-tenths of a mile to the train station. (I was already running like 15 minutes late btw). So to me, the arrival of this bus seemed ''meant to be'' .. and as I happened to be standing right next to a bus stop - with at least two dollars of change in my pockets!! .. So yeah, at that moment I was sending God a little thanku for the helping hand.


    But.. as the bus approached closer - it showed no signs of stopping .. at least not until it had driven past the bus stop - at which point the driver applied the brakes and brought the bus to a complete stop in the middle of the street (only missing the actual bus stop by mere ~ 25 yards or so). Not only was he considerate enough to apply the brakes - but he was also kind enough to open the door for me as well!!
    And he opened the rear door - not the front one, which I took to possibly mean that I wasn't expected to pay the fare - since we were so close to the last and final stop. (at the subway station).

    But it's always best not to assume these things. So after I boarded I walked up to the front of the bus and asked the driver if he wanted me to pay the fare.. and upon doing so discovered true extent of this man's comedic genius. -?


    I remember his routine, word-for-word:


    teh bus driver of hilariousness: ''Do I want you to pay?! .. What kind of question is that? Are you serious? .. OF COURSE I want you to pay, why wouldn't I want you to pay. Why would I make an exception just for you?''



    Me: .. ''Why did I ask? .. because; we are only a tenth of a mile from the T station .. and because you chose to open the back door for me - not the front one.. the place where we customarily pay the fare''



    Teh funny man: .. ''Yeah.. I opened the back door so you wouldn't have to walk so far ..

    Next time don't ask - just 'assume' you have pay, just like everyone else.''



    Me: .. <--[grinning so wide that my cheeks are on the verge of tearing .. Oh, teh possibilities!! This man has given me so much to work with!!! .. Oh, it's ON Mr. Man!]






    And thus it began.




    I figured I'd take the 'gradual' E-Z approach. It is usually very easy to get most ppl worked up all at once, - but if you're after a truly psychotic result -- you need to go the 'gradual' route. (unless of course they are already on the verge of a psychotic episode - in which case there's no challenge involved, so what's the point?)



    I leaned over - and said in a very soft and deliberately jovial tone: ''It never hurts - to ask..''





    That's all it took.



    [His e-x-a-c-t words]:


    ''What do you mean it 'never' hurts to ask? Yeah, it DOES hurt to ask! You asked a 'stupid' question.. Basically you asked if you can steal from my company! What makes you think I'm gonna let you do that? Huh? .. You think they pay me so that I can let people like you steal from them? I don't hand out free...''

    lololololololololololololololololololollololololololololollolololololooololololololololololololololo lololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol^^[I cut him off there]




    Me: ''I take it that's a 'yes' ?'' -?



    Him: ''What?''



    Me: ''I asked 'you' - if 'you' wanted me to pay. It was really a very simple yes-or-no question .. Would you like me to repeat it?''


    Him: ''Repeat what?!! .. Listen..!!''



    Me: No, not 'listen' -- 'look' - at the light, it has turned from red-to-green. Soon it will turn to yellow and then to red. Red means that we can't go any....''



    Him: ''Pay the fare! - and sit down!! Pay the fare and find a seat - some where way back there - away from me!''





    So, I put the teh coins in the fare collector, but.. I put in too many! !

    The last coin I had was a quarter - which put me twenty cents over the fare rate (actually it's not really true that all I had left was quarters - but for now let's assume that it was 'completely' unintentional - and that I had no choice) ..



    .. ''There you go mister man, and look I gave you an extra twenty cent tip .. -because you 'earned' it. You see, your ''company'' doesn't appreciate you like I do.''



    And then he shouted something totally - no, 'profoundly' unintelligible as I had begun to walk toward the rear of the bus. It was profound - not because of anything I understood by his choice of words - (that as far as I could tell, apparently transcended definition or any dictionary known to man) - but because of the beautiful clarity of his 'tone' - which made it so obvious that he was so close to losing it, so.very.close. You just can't convey something like that with words alone. His tone and abruptness and volume and complete lack of articulation - said it all. As did the fact that he was beginning to pull off to the side of the road.


    He pulled aside - and then the doors opened..


    ''Get off my bus!''



    I pretended it never happened! ..



    ''Hey! .. YOU!! .. get off - mah bus!!'' ... [i.e. mah bus .. -NOT YOURS!]




    ..''Oh, no - this is not my stop.. In fact this is not even a bus stop..'' -?



    ''Oh yeah? .. Well 'this' bus is stopped - and it's not going any-where -- until you get off of it.''



    ?! ''.. I paid you the fare - AND I GIVE YOU A TWENTY CENTs TIP EXTRA ? - and this is the appreciation to show of it?! .. Nope, sorry .. -that's all the tip you get! .. Jeez, you can't even drive us one more block to the last stop?!! .. No!! .. DON'T ANYBODY TIP THAT MAN UNTIL HE TRANSPORTS US - ONE MORE BLOCK - TO OUR DESTINATION!! .. I mean, come on man, no body likes a quitter! Just do your job, there's really not that much to it.''






    And that's when the other ppl started to get vocal about the situation as well..



    From behind me several voices started complaining;


    ''Come on.. he paid the fare! Let's go!'' ..

    ''Why are stopped?''


    ^^Stuff like that started to fill the bus. Then some ppl actually got up and walked off.


    The doors closed, the ride resumed. I took the same exit that I had used to board the bus. And everyone lived happily forever afterwards. Except for the bus driver. Eventually they found the bodies in his basement.. and he died in prison, (sodomy by broom-stick).






    The end.














    ..
    Last edited by red house; 03-05-08 at 04:15 AM.

  3. #3
    Lanky Lass East Hill's Avatar
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    You do have a way with words, red house .

    East Hill
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    TRY EMPATHY & HAVE LOVE IN YOUR HEART, PERHAPS I'LL SEE YOU ON THE ROAD...

  4. #4
    Your imaginary friend. fuzzbox's Avatar
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    So you can understand . . ..

    2 Luh - 0N- gAh 2 reEd

    Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

  5. #5
    Banned. red house's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fuzzbox View Post
    So you can understand . . ..

    2 Luh - 0N- gAh 2 reEd


    Okay.. but doez you really have to post 'everything' you think? -?






    Okay ppl!! .. Let's recap;




    ЋiŋЌĭиg = good.


    • posting every·thing you think = not so good.


    • sharing your less than stellar reading level on the intenets? = extremely not so good..





    ΏЌ ? .. haz αńγ Qμέşhγũиz ?




    ..good.


    And btw.. I'm just kidding - pls, to ''ĉoиţřĭβγťέ'' again.. srsly. real talk!
    Last edited by red house; 03-04-08 at 11:24 PM.

  6. #6
    Lanky Lass East Hill's Avatar
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    Now, now, red. I read the entire story and enjoyed it immensely.

    East Hill
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    TRY EMPATHY & HAVE LOVE IN YOUR HEART, PERHAPS I'LL SEE YOU ON THE ROAD...

  7. #7
    Banned. red house's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by East Hill View Post
    Now, now, red. I read the entire story and enjoyed it immensely.

    East Hill


    Thanku east hill.





    I enjoyed writing it immensely as well. (I enjoyed living it even more) .. but really nothing compares with how much I enjoyed replying to that last post.. (and others like it).

  8. #8
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    Ahhh.... the joys of public transportation.

    When I was in high school I rode the bus to and from school and my job. On my way home in the evening I rode with a whole group of handicapped kids who were on their way back to their group home. We had a ball.

  9. #9
    Blasted Weeds Tude's Avatar
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    During those special bus times, I suddenly develop the most awesome interest in bus seat graffiti - why yes, bus seat graffiti is spectacular! "ChilI droogs", LM & AS, Lefuante is a cheap *****, Crips, and some whole bunch of just wonderful doodles I just can't make out.

    And if I have to continue, why then I discover what modern man sheds off without the proper recycle techniques available.

    Hmmm, a McDonald's cup here, <ugh> ground in gum there (hope that didn't get on my coat) - and what the hell is smeared on that window!

    OOOH! Goody - we're moving again.



    Signed,

    Another bus rider




    <edit>

    riding public transportation does have it's trying days (I've been known to run along side a bus and smack it)
    Last edited by Tude; 03-04-08 at 11:44 PM.

  10. #10
    Lanky Lass East Hill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Durward_Kirby View Post
    Ahhh.... the joys of public transportation.

    When I was in high school I rode the bus to and from school and my job. On my way home in the evening I rode with a whole group of handicapped kids who were on their way back to their group home. We had a ball.
    My first job required me to take the bus into work. One of the other workers at the same facility also took the same bus.

    I always thought she must have been around forty years old, because she always looked worn out, deep hollows for eyes, the whole bit.

    I was shocked one day when she told me that she was going to be off the next day because she was going out to celebrate her 21st birthday .

    That's what being a heroin addict will do to you .

    I'd rather have been with the handicapped kids .

    East Hill
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    TRY EMPATHY & HAVE LOVE IN YOUR HEART, PERHAPS I'LL SEE YOU ON THE ROAD...

  11. #11
    Immoderator KrisPistofferson's Avatar
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    This makes my "sat-in-pee' story seem terribly boring.

  12. #12
    Lanky Lass East Hill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KrisPistofferson View Post
    This makes my "sat-in-pee' story seem terribly boring.
    No no, go ahead.

    East Hill
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    TRY EMPATHY & HAVE LOVE IN YOUR HEART, PERHAPS I'LL SEE YOU ON THE ROAD...

  13. #13
    Blasted Weeds Tude's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KrisPistofferson View Post
    This makes my "sat-in-pee' story seem terribly boring.


    I have (knock on every piece of freakin wood around me) thinkfully avoided that ONE! ( or so I think anyway - hard to tell what's fresh and what isn't).

    But did view an asian woman who spoke no English - sit in THAT seat on the bus and get up with a visibly wet behind (could have been a drink too), but she couldn't convey what she was trying to say, we all knew what she was trying to say - and then she wanted someone to smell her hand ....

    Um. No.

    Didn't see her after that. Can't imagine why ...



    hehe I have LOTS of bus stories. Pulling over so the cops can take unusual person off bus, why it's not cool to give your 3 yr old twins hard boiled eggs to eat on a bus and the all toooooo familiar --- DOOD - is that your kid with the crappy diaper?????????



    Ahhhh, public transportion. Great to have, but man oh man - it changes from one ride to the next.

  14. #14
    BF's Level 12 Wizard SingingSabre's Avatar
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    Red House, I love the way you write!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bklyn
    Obviously, the guy's like a 12th level white wizard or something. His mere presence is a danger to mortals.

  15. #15
    Your imaginary friend. fuzzbox's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by red house View Post
    Okay.. but doez you really have to post 'everything' you think? -?
    Basically yes.

    Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

  16. #16
    Banned. red house's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fuzzbox View Post
    Basically yes.


    Oh? -? .. I recommend beer for that.. but then again I recommend beer for everything.





    It's 9am.


    9am = No more time for recommending and all this idle chit-chat. It is time for beer! .. It's time to go! .. /(k thx bye)

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