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Old 03-14-08, 03:09 PM   #1
Mr. Markets
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Stupid things people put on their resumes...

http://madconomist.com/stupid-****-p...-their-resumes

None of this is made up. People really did put this stupid crazy **** on their resumes or job applications.

1. I am very detail-oreinted.

2. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

3. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

4. Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

5. It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

6. Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

7. I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

8. If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

9. My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.

10. I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

11. Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

12. Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.

13. Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

14. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

15. Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

16. Previous experience: Self-employed-a fiasco.

17. Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

18. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

19. I am a rabid typist.

20. I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

21. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

22. Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

23. I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

24. Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.

25. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

26. Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.

27. Special skills: Thyping.

28. My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.

29. I can play well with others.

30. Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.

31. Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.

32. Experience: Provided correct answers to customers’ questions.

33. Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.

34. Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.

35. I have happily been a “kept man” for the past 10 years.

36. Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation.

37. I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I make points as well as I can.

38. Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky.

39. While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.

40. My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule.

41. Hire me and you won’t regret it - I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really.

42. Referees available upon request.

43. Previous rank: Senior instigator.

44. I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.

45. Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.

46. Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days.

47. Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.

48. Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication.

49. Strengths: Impersonal skills.

50. Special interests: I like any projects that are fun.

51. Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.

52. Vocational plans: Sea World.
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Old 03-14-08, 03:13 PM   #2
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I will add to this with this little fact.
if you leave the 1st i out of the word depreciation, spell checker will not catch the error. deprecation is a real word. (doh!)
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Old 03-14-08, 03:42 PM   #3
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I bet shorty wonders how he knew him.
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Old 03-14-08, 04:28 PM   #4
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10. I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
Never apply for a job ever again. In fact, never type or say anything ever again, and don't use the internet.
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Old 03-14-08, 04:33 PM   #5
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One funny one I've seen.

"I have 4 years of constant in depth Windows experience. I played World of Warcraft since 2004."
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Old 03-14-08, 04:36 PM   #6
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I've taught at two major universities over the past six years and I'm not surprised at all. There is an incredible sense of entitlement in this generation.
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Old 03-14-08, 04:47 PM   #7
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And arrogance, don't forget arrogance!

More than a few years ago I was the Senior Tech person for a consulting company so I would interview job applicants. Since most of the time I worked from home, I would show up dressed very casual. If it was college students, I would at times introduce myself as the janitor. I was always interested in their reaction. If they treated me like I wasn't worthy to talk with them - boy did they have a surprise when they were brought into my office.
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Old 03-14-08, 04:56 PM   #8
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^^^ You are a wise man!
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Old 03-14-08, 04:56 PM   #9
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Very funny. It's a good thing I read this at home or the boss would want to know why I was laughing so hard.
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Old 03-14-08, 05:37 PM   #10
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More than a few years ago I was the Senior Tech person for a consulting company so I would interview job applicants. Since most of the time I worked from home, I would show up dressed very casual. If it was college students, I would at times introduce myself as the janitor. I was always interested in their reaction. If they treated me like I wasn't worthy to talk with them - boy did they have a surprise when they were brought into my office.
That's pretty awesome.
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Old 03-14-08, 05:51 PM   #11
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And arrogance, don't forget arrogance!

More than a few years ago I was the Senior Tech person for a consulting company so I would interview job applicants. Since most of the time I worked from home, I would show up dressed very casual. If it was college students, I would at times introduce myself as the janitor. I was always interested in their reaction. If they treated me like I wasn't worthy to talk with them - boy did they have a surprise when they were brought into my office.
This is why I don't like other IT guys. They can be real smart*****es at times.
BTW...that would be hillarious to watch.
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Old 03-14-08, 06:05 PM   #12
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Hmmm, I may need to redo my resume.
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Old 03-14-08, 06:14 PM   #13
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This is why I don't like other IT guys. They can be real smart*****es at times.
BTW...that would be hillarious to watch.
Yeah - you should have seen the looks on their faces as they were escorted into my office. It was priceless.

In consulting, most of the success is in the soft skills - not what a wonderful programmer you are. And besides - for the vast majority of people just leaving college, they have no skills compared to someone with 20+ years experience.

Since our clients could have been janitors, I sure didn't want anyone who couldn't treat everyone with respect.
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Old 03-14-08, 06:27 PM   #14
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Yeah - you should have seen the looks on their faces as they were escorted into my office. It was priceless.
Man, I'd pretend to be hiring once in a while just to be able to pull that.
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Old 03-14-08, 06:30 PM   #15
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Man, I'd pretend to be hiring once in a while just to be able to pull that.
The owner of the company accused me of having to much fun doing it once. I told her she was just jealous that she couldn't pull it off. She replied that she would take it as a compliment that she couldn't pass as a janitor like I could.
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Old 03-14-08, 06:57 PM   #16
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Anyone else ever read overqualified? http://www.asofterworld.com/oqindex.php sort of in the same vein, they generally keep me chuckling.
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Old 03-14-08, 07:02 PM   #17
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I'm a recruiter, and I see stuff like this every day. I'd contribute a few, but I have a memory like the guy who contributed #21.
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Old 03-14-08, 08:37 PM   #18
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I notice the sense of entitlement as well. I think its how some people are raised where they live like little kings or princesses on their parents' salary, cruise through college. Then, when it finally comes to hitting the real work world, employers end up with people who have entry level skillsets, but corporate officer egos.

Personally, I rather hire someone who may not be as skilled (but who is able and willing to get up to speed), but not have the attitude of entitlement that I see so often today.
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Old 03-15-08, 07:05 AM   #19
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#4 must be an UCF graduate - a few girls i work with came from there and, well, lets just say they've never had to attach a file to an email, and they think you spell 'rough' of 'rough draft' this way: ruff
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Old 03-15-08, 05:55 PM   #20
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I notice the sense of entitlement as well. I think its how some people are raised where they live like little kings or princesses on their parents' salary, cruise through college. Then, when it finally comes to hitting the real work world, employers end up with people who have entry level skillsets, but corporate officer egos.

Personally, I rather hire someone who may not be as skilled (but who is able and willing to get up to speed), but not have the attitude of entitlement that I see so often today.
I wish you could speak to my classes every semester.
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Old 03-15-08, 06:27 PM   #21
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I see the entitlement constantly too.

I also see a lot of resumes from the East, and find it amusing that many of them say things like, "2.4 years of experience with Java" or "3.2 years of Oracle". It always makes me think of kids who say things like, "I'm seven and three quarters years old".
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Old 03-15-08, 07:39 PM   #22
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I wish you could speak to my classes every semester.
Maybe its the college/university marketing that says 'give us 70K and you'll get a good job/paycheck' that is responsible for the sense of entitlement?
I don't know about everyone else, but if I spent 70k on a bike I would expect it to work.
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Old 03-15-08, 09:14 PM   #23
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I see the little prince/princess syndrome in my classes [1], and from what professors have to go through. Professors almost have to go to the level of high school teachers in the way they interact and discipline disrupting students. When I heard about people actively disrupting a class, my jaw dropped -- I think someone should be reminded perhaps once (if that), then asked to leave the classroom in a college environment.

[1]: Oddly enough, the computer science majors don't do this type of garbage. I think its because CS people know they are not going to have everything handed them to a platter when they get out.
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Old 03-15-08, 10:01 PM   #24
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Maybe its the college/university marketing that says 'give us 70K and you'll get a good job/paycheck' that is responsible for the sense of entitlement?
I don't know about everyone else, but if I spent 70k on a bike I would expect it to work.
^^^ Definitely. It translates into, "I'm a good customer so you can't possibly fail me." The uni is a credit hour factory and we are its customer service agents. We are supposed to uphold academic standards, etc. etc. but really we are expected to respond to consumer demand.

Another aspect is that they feel entitled to a nice middle class life like their parents' enjoyed. I gave a B- to a student who was sliding by, doing the bare minimum. After the final, he sent me an email, asking for an A. His reason was: "I want to go to law school because my dad is a lawyer and he says I need As to get in. You seem like a good guy, can you help me out?" I wrote back: "We just spent a semester analyzing various arguments and that's the best you can come up with?" I then realized that I had done him a disservice by not giving him the C- that he had deserved. Sometimes failure is educative.
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Old 03-15-08, 10:23 PM   #25
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^^^ Definitely. It translates into, "I'm a good customer so you can't possibly fail me." The uni is a credit hour factory and we are its customer service agents. We are supposed to uphold academic standards, etc. etc. but really we are expected to respond to consumer demand.

Another aspect is that they feel entitled to a nice middle class life like their parents' enjoyed. I gave a B- to a student who was sliding by, doing the bare minimum. After the final, he sent me an email, asking for an A. His reason was: "I want to go to law school because my dad is a lawyer and he says I need As to get in. You seem like a good guy, can you help me out?" I wrote back: "We just spent a semester analyzing various arguments and that's the best you can come up with?" I then realized that I had done him a disservice by not giving him the C- that he had deserved. Sometimes failure is educative.
I used to bust kids cheating in a class I TA'ed. I'd tell the professor and he'd just tell them not to do it again.

I'm glad I chose not to go the prof. route. Univ/Colleges mostly just hire adjuncts now to do the teaching so they don't have to pay full-time salaries and grant tenure. I guess they finally figured out that they could treat profs like grad students.
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