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Old 05-29-08, 09:33 AM   #1
p0cket penguins
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taser testimonial

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Was I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?

SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I
had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I **** myself, but was too numb
to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud
above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
nuts and am offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
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Old 05-29-08, 09:40 AM   #2
jsharr
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Wow! Just wow!

Umm, welcome to foo, you obviously belong here. Your propeller beanie and embossed membership card will mail today.
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Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 05-29-08, 09:42 AM   #3
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sick propeller beanies are FTW..... yeah im an off topic pro bimmerforums.com Off Topic is full of win
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Old 05-29-08, 09:43 AM   #4
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ummm...wow...I gotta say I wouldn't have done that...jesus.
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Old 05-29-08, 09:44 AM   #5
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Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
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Old 05-29-08, 09:47 AM   #6
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I bet that the stuff for "pet stains" will help get the urine smell out of the carpet. just saying.
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Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 05-29-08, 09:47 AM   #7
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Ahh ha ha!! Cool story!! Glad you made it out okay to share it with us. And welcome to Foo. You are definitely Foo Family!




Oh by the way.......







Pics or it didn't happen.
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Please dont outsmart the censor. That is a very expensive censor and every time one of you guys outsmart it it makes someone at the home office feel bad. We dont wanna do that. So dont cleverly disguise bad words.
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Old 05-29-08, 09:49 AM   #8
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that was just a testimonial from the web.... I didnt zap myself... but you guys play pics or ban too
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Old 05-29-08, 09:49 AM   #9
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Still laughing. Too funny (but painful!) story!

... Brad
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Old 05-29-08, 09:50 AM   #10
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yep, here is a pic you can use so I do not have to ban you.

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Quote:
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Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

Last edited by Tom Stormcrowe; 05-29-08 at 05:28 PM.
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Old 05-29-08, 09:52 AM   #11
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that was just a testimonial from the web.... I didnt zap myself... but you guys play pics or ban too
Yeah especially with spammers.

Uh huh.
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Please dont outsmart the censor. That is a very expensive censor and every time one of you guys outsmart it it makes someone at the home office feel bad. We dont wanna do that. So dont cleverly disguise bad words.
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Old 05-29-08, 09:55 AM   #12
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Oh man....laughing soooooo hard here! My assistant just walked into my office and thought something was wrong with the tears rolling down my cheeks and all.
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Old 05-29-08, 09:55 AM   #13
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DONT BAN ME BRO
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Old 05-29-08, 10:15 AM   #14
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Kicked out of the Webelos.
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Old 05-29-08, 12:46 PM   #15
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that was just a testimonial from the web.... I didnt zap myself... but you guys play pics or ban too
Wuss. Where's your sense of adventure?

A few years ago, I strapped one of those shock collars for dogs to myself and cranked it up all the way. There is no way in hell I would put one of those things on anything less than a 150 lb Rott. Those things are no joke.
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Old 05-29-08, 03:05 PM   #16
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Larry's Pistol & Pawn is in this city. No, it wasn't me. I'm not married, and I'm not that dumb.
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Old 05-29-08, 03:14 PM   #17
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Thats funny. I have to admit I'd be tempted to try it on my self too. Now I know to ask a friend instead
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Old 05-29-08, 04:02 PM   #18
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I'm still looking for my
nuts and am offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
You might want to talk to our administrator, Brian.

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TRY EMPATHY & HAVE LOVE IN YOUR HEART, PERHAPS I'LL SEE YOU ON THE ROAD...
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Old 05-29-08, 04:48 PM   #19
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I LOL'ed.

Literally.
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Old 05-29-08, 09:20 PM   #20
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As someone who electrocuted himself once... or twice, all I can say is there really is no letting go once the electrocution starts
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Old 05-29-08, 09:41 PM   #21
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You might want to talk to our administrator, Brian.

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I tried for his nuts once. But his were frozen.
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Please dont outsmart the censor. That is a very expensive censor and every time one of you guys outsmart it it makes someone at the home office feel bad. We dont wanna do that. So dont cleverly disguise bad words.
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Old 05-29-08, 09:43 PM   #22
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That is something my husband would do he has even tried the shock collar for his hunting dog on the highest setting on himself. That was a sight to see!
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