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  1. #1
    Senior Member p0cket penguins's Avatar
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    taser testimonial

    Pocket Taser Stun ***, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
    lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's ****** & Pawn Shop that sparked my
    interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
    something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
    pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
    lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
    adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
    I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
    pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
    electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
    face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
    soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
    try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
    thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
    this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
    assurance that it would work as advertised. Was I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
    perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
    in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
    assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
    loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
    assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
    three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
    this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in
    circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
    batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm
    sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
    say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny
    little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
    second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
    pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS
    DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
    the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
    again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
    in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
    found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
    tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
    picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid
    getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
    caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
    violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
    conservative?

    SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
    point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
    landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
    recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
    like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I
    had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I **** myself, but was too numb
    to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud
    above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
    nuts and am offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    Felt F3C (road)/Azonic steelhead (park/street/dirt)

  2. #2
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    Wow! Just wow!

    Umm, welcome to foo, you obviously belong here. Your propeller beanie and embossed membership card will mail today.
    Are you a registered member? Why not? Click here to register. It's free and only takes 27 seconds! Help out the forums, abide by our community guidelines.
    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  3. #3
    Senior Member p0cket penguins's Avatar
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    sick propeller beanies are FTW..... yeah im an off topic pro bimmerforums.com Off Topic is full of win
    Felt F3C (road)/Azonic steelhead (park/street/dirt)

  4. #4
    Wood Licker Maelstrom's Avatar
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    ummm...wow...I gotta say I wouldn't have done that...jesus.

  5. #5
    Tail End Charlie Ritehsedad's Avatar
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    Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

  6. #6
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    I bet that the stuff for "pet stains" will help get the urine smell out of the carpet. just saying.
    Are you a registered member? Why not? Click here to register. It's free and only takes 27 seconds! Help out the forums, abide by our community guidelines.
    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  7. #7
    Hey guyz? Guyz? Wait up!! Siu Blue Wind's Avatar
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    Ahh ha ha!! Cool story!! Glad you made it out okay to share it with us. And welcome to Foo. You are definitely Foo Family!




    Oh by the way.......







    Pics or it didn't happen.
    Quote Originally Posted by Buddha
    We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
    Quote Originally Posted by making View Post
    Please dont outsmart the censor. That is a very expensive censor and every time one of you guys outsmart it it makes someone at the home office feel bad. We dont wanna do that. So dont cleverly disguise bad words.

  8. #8
    Senior Member p0cket penguins's Avatar
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    that was just a testimonial from the web.... I didnt zap myself... but you guys play pics or ban too
    Felt F3C (road)/Azonic steelhead (park/street/dirt)

  9. #9
    bac
    bac is offline
    Senior Member bac's Avatar
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    Still laughing. Too funny (but painful!) story!

    ... Brad

  10. #10
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    yep, here is a pic you can use so I do not have to ban you.

    Last edited by Tom Stormcrowe; 05-29-08 at 05:28 PM.
    Are you a registered member? Why not? Click here to register. It's free and only takes 27 seconds! Help out the forums, abide by our community guidelines.
    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  11. #11
    Hey guyz? Guyz? Wait up!! Siu Blue Wind's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by p0cket penguins View Post
    that was just a testimonial from the web.... I didnt zap myself... but you guys play pics or ban too
    Yeah especially with spammers.

    Uh huh.
    Quote Originally Posted by Buddha
    We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
    Quote Originally Posted by making View Post
    Please dont outsmart the censor. That is a very expensive censor and every time one of you guys outsmart it it makes someone at the home office feel bad. We dont wanna do that. So dont cleverly disguise bad words.

  12. #12
    Senior Member ummbnb's Avatar
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    Oh man....laughing soooooo hard here! My assistant just walked into my office and thought something was wrong with the tears rolling down my cheeks and all.

  13. #13
    Senior Member p0cket penguins's Avatar
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    DONT BAN ME BRO
    Felt F3C (road)/Azonic steelhead (park/street/dirt)

  14. #14
    Kicked out of the Webelos bluebottle1's Avatar
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    ______________________________________________

    Kicked out of the Webelos.

  15. #15
    Portland Fred banerjek's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by p0cket penguins View Post
    that was just a testimonial from the web.... I didnt zap myself... but you guys play pics or ban too
    Wuss. Where's your sense of adventure?

    A few years ago, I strapped one of those shock collars for dogs to myself and cranked it up all the way. There is no way in hell I would put one of those things on anything less than a 150 lb Rott. Those things are no joke.

  16. #16
    The quieter you become... Falkon's Avatar
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    Larry's ****** & Pawn is in this city. No, it wasn't me. I'm not married, and I'm not that dumb.
    Quote Originally Posted by TechKnowGN
    San Jose has to be the most boring place I've ever been. And I live in Ohio.

  17. #17
    Tiocfáidh ár Lá jfmckenna's Avatar
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    Thats funny. I have to admit I'd be tempted to try it on my self too. Now I know to ask a friend instead

  18. #18
    Lanky Lass East Hill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by p0cket penguins View Post
    I'm still looking for my
    nuts and am offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
    You might want to talk to our administrator, Brian.

    East Hill
    ___________________________________________________
    TRY EMPATHY & HAVE LOVE IN YOUR HEART, PERHAPS I'LL SEE YOU ON THE ROAD...

  19. #19
    Hardrocker
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    I LOL'ed.

    Literally.

  20. #20
    AEO
    AEO is offline
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    As someone who electrocuted himself once... or twice, all I can say is there really is no letting go once the electrocution starts
    Food for thought: if you aren't dead by 2050, you and your entire family will be within a few years from starvation. Now that is a cruel gift to leave for your offspring. ;)
    http://sanfrancisco.ibtimes.com/arti...ger-photos.htm

  21. #21
    Hey guyz? Guyz? Wait up!! Siu Blue Wind's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by East Hill View Post
    You might want to talk to our administrator, Brian.

    East Hill
    I tried for his nuts once. But his were frozen.
    Quote Originally Posted by Buddha
    We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
    Quote Originally Posted by making View Post
    Please dont outsmart the censor. That is a very expensive censor and every time one of you guys outsmart it it makes someone at the home office feel bad. We dont wanna do that. So dont cleverly disguise bad words.

  22. #22
    xoxoxo LadyBear's Avatar
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    That is something my husband would do he has even tried the shock collar for his hunting dog on the highest setting on himself. That was a sight to see!

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