America's rightful place at the head of the civilized world has been re-affirmed!
Joey Chestnut again defeats Japanese former phenom Kobeyashi in the annual Nathan's hot dog eating contest. Both were tied at 59 hot dogs apiece after regulation, but Joey finished him off in extra time.
Stick to making exceptional automobiles and dying early from over-work, you sushi-loving punks.
And in another fine American tradition, I'm now going outside to blow some of my fingers off while picking up what will appear to be a dud firecracker. Look for me on your local news. I'll be wearing the bad tank top, jean shorts, gym socks pulled all the way up to my knees, and sporting odd facial hair.