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  1. #1
    superArti artifice's Avatar
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    a tale of two friends- an epic and evolving saga.

    ==the backgrond==
    we've been friends for 8(?) years. Both ended LTR's this past fall, have hung out a lot since then (he is my ski buddy, getting into cycling too). On the occasion he's tipped one too many back he makes vague references to his feelings for me, and missed opportunities of the past.

    The last time this happened I IM'd him about it a few days later, apologized for always blowing him off on the subject, but that I don't care to talk about it while drinking. I also told him I've wondered if there is more than a friendship there, too. I also mentioned it sucks to open this can of worms now, because he's casually seeing someone (and I usually have a few on the back burner, too..haha.). He replied "yeah, I've got bad timing" and the conversation moved off-topic. I concluded it by saying- well, I told you my thoughts, now its on you.


    ==a date?==
    Few weeks ago he called about going to a movie- at first I thought I was too tired, but called him back in a half hour or so and said I was in (realizing it was unusual to call for a movie, we usually hang out among friends..something was up). He insisted on picking me up & paying which is unusual but other than that, no sign of a date.


    ==fast forward to tonight==
    We've hung out a few times since the "date?" with friends, and last week went for a ride together. Nothing unusual.
    Rec'd a call about 15 minutes ago. I knew he was out tubing/drinking/camping all day, but figured I'd pick up the drunk dial anyway. He mad a few minutes of small talk and here's basically the rest of the convo... keep in mind we're both pretty sarcastic and kinda joking...

    him: "soo... I think you and I should go out next week. Maybe a couple times."
    me: "oookay, what do you have in mind?"
    him: "I think you know what I mean... go out.... sorry it took me so long to ask"
    me: "Yeah, I think I know what you're thinking. But I'm also thinking you're going to wake up tomorrow and hate yourself for calling me today. So, if you call me tomorrow and ask me out that will actually count. This call doesn't"
    him: "Ok, I'll call you tomorrow while you're on your 80 mile bike ride and leave a message"
    me: "Ok, you know.. you could call tomorrow after my ride so we cold talk"
    him: "Yeah, I figured you'll be wiped out..... you know, I'm just not sure you'll like dating a guy thats out of shape" (half-joking)
    me: "I'll whip you into shape..."

    more random chatting, jokes... etc.

    him: "Sorry I waited so long. I mean... 4, 5 years? that was dumb"
    me: "Actually, its been 6."

    So basically ended the conversation. He was pretty tanked. Ha.

    ==what to do?==
    My biggest fear is that if there's something brewing btw us that doesn't work out, I loose a great friend. But on the other hand, I think I'm also scared because I don't usually date quality men, I know he's a good guy, and that makes me nervous. Plus I'm not sure I want a relationship, and I wouldn't date if I was seeing him, he's more of a settle down with guy. soooo hm. guess a few dates wouldn't hurt?

  2. #2
    long time visiter Alfster's Avatar
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    It took me a few weeks to finally ask my now wife out on a date. 6 years? Nothing like liquid courage

  3. #3
    superArti artifice's Avatar
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    ha, well the better part of 6 years we were each dating other people (not the same people the whole time... but he did see someone for 3 or 4 in there...). Plus we were both away at college, etc. now, its been 2 years post-college, and almost a year we've both been members of the singles club.

  4. #4
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    Hey, give it a go and see what happens. You never know. If you both agree that a regular pal thing is better, then at least you've tested the waters and know what will/won't work.

    Don't be looking back at this and wondering about a lost opportunity.
    -------

    Some sort of pithy irrelevant one-liner should go here.

  5. #5
    Domestic Domestique UnsafeAlpine's Avatar
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    So my last relationship started as a friendship with a couple of dates, and turned into so much more. If she weren't a relationship ******, I could have seen it lasting for a long time.

    I'd say have fun, enjoy yourself, see what happens, and if things don't work out, fight hard for the old friendship (it can work.) Let him know that you don't want or are unsure if you want a relationship. Keep things brutally honest.

  6. #6
    Pwnerer Wordbiker's Avatar
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    Today's young people...totally lacking in commitment.

    Not saying it's wrong...hell, I wish I'd played the field a bit more instead of allowing myself to be chained to The Beast That Drained My Soul...
    Quote Originally Posted by ahsposo View Post
    Ski, bike and wish I was gay.

  7. #7
    superArti artifice's Avatar
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    haha, im not a commitment phobe, just spent too many years not having fun with one guy and am making up for lost time?

  8. #8
    Pwnerer Wordbiker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    haha, im not a commitment phobe, just spent too many years not having fun with one guy and am making up for lost time?
    Naw, I'm not dissing you Arti.

    I actually admire someone that feels confident enough with themself to not need a relationship. Glad I'm in one myself, just understanding of those that aren't for very valid reasons.
    Quote Originally Posted by ahsposo View Post
    Ski, bike and wish I was gay.

  9. #9
    Senior Member SwimBike's Avatar
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    I actually had the relationship conversations with a few friends over dinner (the three of us are single). It is not really us wanting to be single or that we are "strong enough" not to need a relationship. Our friends/family give us a hard time about where we live because its a small town and they dont think we will find anyone.

    Our thoughts are that we are going to live and do what makes us happy. Then hopefully our happiness will attract someone. So in a round about way of answering a few peoples questions/comments, you cannot plan these things. If something good comes along you got to take a shot at it.

  10. #10
    Bring May Flowers aprilm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    haha, im not a commitment phobe, just spent too many years not having fun with one guy and am making up for lost time?
    Yeah, well, I am, and it still wouldn't take me six years to figure out whether or not I want to be with someone.

    He's done this before, right? My guess is he'll keep stringing you along as long as he can until you finally get fed up with it and tell him to go to hell. Then maybe he'll straighten up and figure out what it is he wants (and by then, maybe you'll realize you do or don't want him).

    Just seems like you're both on the fence with this whole thing, which is not a good place to be. Figure out what you want. If it meshes with what he wants, then great--if not, then let him go.

  11. #11
    superArti artifice's Avatar
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    Yeah, the 6 years includes time away at college and dating other people, the past few months is really when we've started communicating about things. Its not like we've been sitting on the issue for that longl.

    Being that I know him so well, hes not stringing me along, hes incredibly shy and unsure of himself.
    But you are completely right- I need to figure out what I want. (I was thinking it would be easier if Foo could jst figure that out for me.. )

  12. #12
    Senior Member dauphin's Avatar
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    life is what happens when you're busy making other plans...

  13. #13
    fredelicious mini-masher overthere's Avatar
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    Wait to see if he brings it up when he's sober.
    Anyone see that as a bit of a red flag? Unable to talk about feelings/relationship unless he's 'tanked'? Would that change if you guys give it a go and had to communicate about an issue?

    Also, if it works, really really works, all those doubts and questions about settling for one will just go away anyhow. If you go out a few times, and you're still on the fence? Then go back to 'friendship' with minimal damage!
    Last edited by overthere; 07-15-08 at 07:39 PM.

  14. #14
    fishologist cohophysh's Avatar
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    drama,drama, drama...gees, its great to be married...18 years and counting
    We cannot solve problems with the same level of consciousness that created them. A.E.

    1990 Diamond Back MTB
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  15. #15
    cab horn
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    I started reading this thread and thought:

    Wtf? And then realized I was in the foo forum. ****.
    Mes compaingnons cui j'amoie et cui j'aim,... Me di, chanson.

  16. #16
    Bring May Flowers aprilm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    Yeah, the 6 years includes time away at college and dating other people, the past few months is really when we've started communicating about things. Its not like we've been sitting on the issue for that longl.

    Being that I know him so well, hes not stringing me along, hes incredibly shy and unsure of himself.
    But you are completely right- I need to figure out what I want. (I was thinking it would be easier if Foo could jst figure that out for me.. )
    Maybe I was a little harsh last night, but it's been my experience that if a guy is really into me, he won't hem and haw over something as simple as asking me out on a date--and I've dated guys who were very shy.

  17. #17
    que deporte! naujcdl's Avatar
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    Hmmm, like others have said, go on a date and be aware of the feelings that may be hurt if all goes well and then you realize it will go bad.

    Start out on the dates as good and don't let it get to your heads so quickly, just be aware of the worst and good from dating. The worst part is rushing and not enjoying the whole process and then regretting it.

    Relationships, relationships, good luck arti!
    2007 Bianchi C2C

  18. #18
    que deporte! naujcdl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cohophysh View Post
    drama,drama, drama...gees, its great to be married...18 years and counting
    No marriage for me, please!!

    Neva!!!!!!!
    2007 Bianchi C2C

  19. #19
    que deporte! naujcdl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by overthere View Post
    Wait to see if he brings it up when he's sober.
    Anyone see that as a bit of a red flag? Unable to talk about feelings/relationship unless he's 'tanked'? Would that would change if you guys give it a go and had to communicate about an issue?

    Also, if it works, really really works, all those doubts and questions about settling for one will just go away anyhow. If you go out a few times, and you're still on the fence? Then go back to 'friendship' with minimal damage!
    That's true dude, i for example speak freely to this girl i know of she is an ex-coworker and no need drinks, but we are not compatible, me not buddhist and not asian, hehe.

    Sober up and talk, no need for a drink to let it out!
    2007 Bianchi C2C

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by overthere
    Wait to see if he brings it up when he's sober.
    Anyone see that as a bit of a red flag? Unable to talk about feelings/relationship unless he's 'tanked'?
    That would bother me. I don't suffer a drunk very well though.

  21. #21
    The Site Administrator: Currently at home recovering from a couple of strokes,please contact my assistnt admins for forum issues Tom Stormcrowe's Avatar
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    Still a newlywed. wait til you top 30 years of marriage.

    Quote Originally Posted by cohophysh View Post
    drama,drama, drama...gees, its great to be married...18 years and counting
    on light duty due to illness; please contact my assistants for forum issues. They are Siu Blue Wind, or CbadRider or the other 3 star folk. I am currently at home recovering from a couple of strokes. I am making good progress, happily.


    . “He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”- Fredrick Nietzsche

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  22. #22
    KombuchaCHIC Shadiyah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    My biggest fear is that if there's something brewing btw us that doesn't work out, I loose a great friend. But on the other hand, I think I'm also scared because I don't usually date quality men, I know he's a good guy, and that makes me nervous. Plus I'm not sure I want a relationship, and I wouldn't date if I was seeing him, he's more of a settle down with guy. soooo hm. guess a few dates wouldn't hurt?
    What are "quality men" and why don't you date them? If you see this guy as a good thing, go for it, ride the ride and have fun. It sounds like its always been in the back of both your minds anyway.

  23. #23
    S.African in Switzerland The_Guru's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aprilm View Post
    it's been my experience that if a guy is really into me, he won't hem and haw over something as simple as asking me out on a date--and I've dated guys who were very shy.
    You obviously haven't dated me ...

    I used to be veeeeeeeeeery shy about asking anyone out.

    veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery shy...

    Not anymore .. but too late now, I'm hitched

    G
    Last edited by The_Guru; 07-13-08 at 12:17 PM.

  24. #24
    Banned wagathon's Avatar
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    If you were too introspective and if the guy was a wimp, there probably wouldn't be much hope for a meaningul relationship; however, since that's probably not the case and since you both apparenlty share an interest in bicycling and asexuality ...

  25. #25
    superArti artifice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wagathon View Post
    since you both apparenlty share an interest in bicycling and asexuality ...


    Ok, so yesterday I'm on my long ride. 9ish the phone rang. Listened to the VM around noon:
    "Hey Artifice its Samps... just checked my phone this morning and saw I called you last night? ....
    ....
    ...Just kidding. Despite my "state" I meant everything I said. Soo.. give me a call later"

    So, we chatted yesterday evening. Not about anything too significant or relationship-like, but I think he's coming to the bacon party tonight. Guess I've gotta figure out how to flirt again.
    Sheesh, no wonder everyone thinks I'm an asexual cold fish.

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