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Old 07-23-08, 08:55 AM   #1
artifice
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Forgiveness

Forgivness is a funny thing, isn't it?

So, I received an email the other day from "the ex's" sister, saying "I really hope someday you can forgive him for whatever he has done, I really miss you being part of the family, and I know he misses you, too." etc... I didn't write back, and don't intend to.

I understand where she is coming from. After all, I lost a great second family and a few friends in the process. She and I were pretty close, but that's just the way it goes when decisions like that have to be made.

However, I've been thinking a lot lately (even before that email) I wish I could find forgiveness. Not so I could take him back, but to make peace with myself. I'm tired of being angry.

"Holding anger is a poison...It eats you from inside...We think that by hating someone we hurt them...But hatred is a curved blade...and the harm we do to others...we also do to ourselves... "

...anyone have some advice to share, maybe a story on how you found forgiveness?
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Old 07-23-08, 08:58 AM   #2
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Hoo boy.

Basically what it comes down to: It has a lot to do with inner peace.
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Old 07-23-08, 08:58 AM   #3
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Why has your relationship with her diminished because of your separation? Are the two inclusive of each other? You know, you don't have to like Bill in order to like Suzy, even tho Suzy likes Bill.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:01 AM   #4
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You can't force it. True forgiveness can only happen when you let go of the anger. If it's not something you can let go of now, then you can't really forgive him. It may not be something you can ever let go of. That's ok. Some things you can't forgive. Don't dwell, but keep it in your mind, and when or if the day comes when you've let that anger go, then forgive him, but don't do it before.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:05 AM   #5
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Funny thing about a grudge, we feel as if we're entitled to it...like it's a prize for being the wronged one.

"But who's still aching now?
Who's tired of her own voice?
Who is it weighing down
With no gift from time of said healing..."
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Old 07-23-08, 09:05 AM   #6
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Stacey, you are right, but the forgiveness doesn't have anything to do with my friendship with his sister though. Honestly, for my own well-being, its best to move on.

The struggle I have is that he is scheduled for deployment (army/infantry) in early 2009. I just wish I could find that forgivness... you never know what might happen.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:08 AM   #7
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Stacey, you are right, but the forgiveness doesn't have anything to do with my friendship with his sister though. Honestly, for my own well-being, its best to move on.

The struggle I have is that he is scheduled for deployment (army/infantry) in early 2009. I just wish I could find that forgivness... you never know what might happen.
Sorry but this sounds like you are being played for a guilt trip.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:08 AM   #8
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Just take it one day at a time. If you were hurt by him, it can take quite a while to heal, before you can let go. The ironic thing is, letting go, really helps the healing process.

So I guess it just comes down to time. But I do have to admit- letting go of all that toxic anger and hurt, and forgiving someone, really does feel good- but as UA said, it isn't going to happen until you are ready.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:10 AM   #9
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Stacey, you are right, but the forgiveness doesn't have anything to do with my friendship with his sister though. Honestly, for my own well-being, its best to move on.

The struggle I have is that he is scheduled for deployment (army/infantry) in early 2009. I just wish I could find that forgivness... you never know what might happen.
Don't try to push it. If you do, forgiving someone doesn't mean anything. It's only to make them feel better. It has to come naturally.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:10 AM   #10
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Stacey, you are right, but the forgiveness doesn't have anything to do with my friendship with his sister though. Honestly, for my own well-being, its best to move on.

The struggle I have is that he is scheduled for deployment (army/infantry) in early 2009. I just wish I could find that forgivness... you never know what might happen.
That, only you can resolve with yourself. Can't tell you how, it just happens because you want it to.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:13 AM   #11
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ourselves... "[/I][/COLOR]

...anyone have some advice to share, maybe a story on how you found forgiveness?
time and distance. Helps a lot.
And forgiveness does not mean returning things to the way they were.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:14 AM   #12
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^^^^


Often I find forgiveness by realizing how much better my life is, still, in comparison to others out there. Isnt that what its about at the end of the day?
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Old 07-23-08, 09:15 AM   #13
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Sorry but this sounds like you are being played for a guilt trip.
perhaps. deployment or not, I'm still not talking to the guy.
but, I do know for a fact his unit is scheduled to deploy (upcoming election, etc may change that- but there's still a chance he'd be headed overseas elsewhere).

you all are right- forgiveness will happen when/if it happens. I can't exactly put a deadline on it.

It just sucks being angry, and is totally not my style!
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Old 07-23-08, 09:16 AM   #14
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Anger is a choice, just let it go. Seriously, if you realize how much pain/discomfort the anger causes you, even though it's righteous...if you just let it slip away and refuse to hold on to it you'll be freeing yourself. As SIU said, it's all about inner peace.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:18 AM   #15
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anger comes from hurt.
When the hurt is gone, the anger will fade.
maybe he has apologised, FWIW, and maybe you have accepted, also FWIW.
time and distance.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:20 AM   #16
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On the other hand, one doesn't have to forgive to let go of a lot of anger.

When it comes to anger, I (being religious) turn to prayer.

Many others I know who are not religious turn to meditation.

Its almost like it gives your mind/spirit/whatever you want to call it, a chance to put all the pieces where they belong. IMHO, much of what causes anger is all of those mottled, frustrated thoughts not having the right place in your mind. Take the time to let yourself relax, and naturally let yourself put things in their place, and the anger will start to go away.

Now that was way too philosophical for me for the day.. but I hope it helps!
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Old 07-23-08, 09:20 AM   #17
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time heals all wounds.
Don't rush it. Its a process you have to go through, and its unique to each person.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:21 AM   #18
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I love the way Buddha said it: Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:21 AM   #19
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It just sucks being angry, and is totally not my style!
Bike it out!
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Old 07-23-08, 09:22 AM   #20
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Wise man once say:
"You can't help what happen to you, but only you can make yourself miserable"
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Old 07-23-08, 09:23 AM   #21
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Okay, personal story here. My father died back in 1999 from cancer. He and I had a lot of issues. A LOT of issues. He and my mom divorced when I was about thirteen. He left her with a lot of debt and went on to a number of failed business ventures. Didn't pay the child support, etc. Then went off, re-married and started a brand new family, including two sons.

My dad and I made some kind of peace on his deathbed, but it wasn't complete. Far from it, as a matter of fact. It was good enough to allow me to say goodbye, but I had a lot of lingering anger a year later. (And I've got the shrink bills to prove it.) It was anger that I felt I couldn't express and that I had lost the chance to express to my father the day he got sick.

The advice I got was to write. It's always been an outlet for me. Anyway, the words put on paper were venomous; really nasty. I said a lot of things there that I probably couldn't have said to my father's face. The point is, that the purpose of expressing that anger isn't to punish, correct, or even communicate to the person your angry at. It's to communicate with yourself. It's to acknowlege that anger and get it out. You don't need to forgive him as much as you need to forgive you. Forgive yourself for being taken advantage of, forgive yourself for being in a bad relationship, and forgive yourself for being angry about all those things. It's not for him. He doesn't need to know about it or hear about it.

Good luck.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:25 AM   #22
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bluebottle- wonderful advice, thanks for sharing. glad to hear you are finding your peace.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:30 AM   #23
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You don't need to forgive him as much as you need to forgive you. Forgive yourself for being taken advantage of, forgive yourself for being in a bad relationship, and forgive yourself for being angry about all those things. It's not for him. He doesn't need to know about it or hear about it.

Good luck.
((hugs))
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Old 07-23-08, 09:33 AM   #24
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Personally I've always found it easier to forgive someone than to be angry with them. I wouldn't presume to speak for you, but I've found that my own anger in such situations to be a mask for hurt. Once I identify why I'm hurting I can work on healing that and move forward.
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Old 07-23-08, 09:35 AM   #25
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I consider forgiving and forgetting to be two different things. Maybe he is confusing the two. Just because you forgive him, doesn't mean everything is better and you can have some kind of friendship or relationship. I forgave an ex-gf and feel I could be polite if I bumped into her, but I'm not going to initiate any contact w/ her or hang out with her again.
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