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PunkMartyr 09-03-08 11:23 AM

Help with complicated issue
 
Someone I know has been having relationship problems with their spouse for several months. There was some kind of incident yesterday. She is giving a lot of clues that there may be abuse or something bad going on it is hard to say as she doesn't want to talk about it. She has asked me if she can stay in the spare room of my apartment and is saying she wants a divorce.

I feel like this is not ok but want to help her and because my parents live in the same town as me I am debating moving in with my parents and letting her have my apartment for a while until she has this straightened out. Does this seem like the right move as opposed to staying in the apartment with her or telling her I can't help? She has no family or friends in the area and is from far away. I am not sure what to do as I don't want to turn my back on her but also do not want to exacerbate an already bad situation.

USAZorro 09-03-08 11:37 AM

Are there no shelters for battered women in the area? If she can go to one, she'll have a safe place to sleep, support, counseling and access to lots of very good advice. Another plus is that it keeps you out of what could be a violent situation.

nekohime 09-03-08 11:42 AM

She's taking a big risk, asking for your help, and you will be taking a risk too if you decide to help her. If there is any abuse, I know from experience (w/ friends and relatives, not my own) that she feels alone and powerless. It's hard dealing with situations like this, but try to get her in contact with legal counsel or a local women's group because they have more experience with these matters.

Ka_Jun 09-03-08 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PunkMartyr (Post 7393173)
Someone I know has been having relationship problems with their spouse for several months. There was some kind of incident yesterday. She is giving a lot of clues that there may be abuse or something bad going on it is hard to say as she doesn't want to talk about it. She has asked me if she can stay in the spare room of my apartment and is saying she wants a divorce.

I feel like this is not ok but want to help her and because my parents live in the same town as me I am debating moving in with my parents and letting her have my apartment for a while until she has this straightened out. Does this seem like the right move as opposed to staying in the apartment with her or telling her I can't help? She has no family or friends in the area and is from far away. I am not sure what to do as I don't want to turn my back on her but also do not want to exacerbate an already bad situation.

+1 on helping her access resources. Letting her take your place for a while is a kind thought, but I would talk to someone at a women's shelter or resource center to help her get access to what she needs to get out of that situation. Letting her stay with you while you're there is likely a bad idea. IMHO.

nekohime 09-03-08 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ka_Jun (Post 7393380)
+1 on helping her access resources. Letting her take your place for a while is a kind thought, but I would talk to someone at a women's shelter or resource center to help her get access to what she needs to get out of that situation. Letting her stay with you while you're there is likely a bad idea. IMHO.

Letting her stay at your place w/o you is probably a bad idea too.

Here's a good web resource if she needs it:

http://www.nrcdv.org/

jsharr 09-03-08 11:56 AM

I am going to second the try to get her in contact with a women's shelter/counseling. Letting her stay with you, while noble, may only serve to cause more problems for both of you, esp. since you suspicion that abuse is occuring.

Ka_Jun 09-03-08 12:02 PM

She a citizen? If not, there are legal avenues in regards to VAWA where she can still apply for naturalization. I only know this because my cousin is going through the same thing you suspect your friend is going through.

Siu Blue Wind 09-03-08 12:08 PM

I tried that. I tried letting a buddy of mine stay with me. Her abusive boyfriend came looking for her when she was out at the store, kicked in my front door as I was answering it and tried to beat the living life outta me IN MY OWN HOME for taking her in and not minding my own business. Don't risk damage to your home and to your body when there are alternatives.

Women's shelter is your best bet.

timmhaan 09-03-08 12:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nekohime (Post 7393306)
She's taking a big risk, asking for your help, and you will be taking a risk too if you decide to help her. If there is any abuse, I know from experience (w/ friends and relatives, not my own) that she feels alone and powerless. It's hard dealing with situations like this, but try to get her in contact with legal counsel or a local women's group because they have more experience with these matters.

couldn't agree more.

Ka_Jun 09-03-08 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Siu Blue Wind (Post 7393487)
I tried that. I tried letting a buddy of mine stay with me. Her abusive boyfriend came looking for her when she was out at the store, kicked in my front door as I was answering it and tried to beat the living life outta me IN MY OWN HOME for taking her in and not minding my own business. Don't risk damage to your home and to your body when there are alternatives.

Women's shelter is your best bet.

Holy s**t. I'm sorry that happened to you. Hopefully your friend was able to get out of that and the law got a hold of the d-bag.

Siu Blue Wind 09-03-08 12:37 PM

She stayed with him till she had a few broken bones. He ended up getting arrested for another crime but never told anyone (officials) about her beatings. At the time I never said anything about what he did to me either because I didn't want him to come back. She has since moved on and is living a happy, secure life.

Please don't let it happen to you.

MrCrassic 09-03-08 01:22 PM

Not a good idea.

For one, if you leave your apartment open for her use and she causes some damage, then you're at fault. More importantly, having the place to herself won't stop her from inviting her husband over, which will only worsen the situation for you since now he knows of two locations where she might be. Even more importantly, you will impose a LOT of stress on yourself for intervening on an issue as serious as this.

If she cannot resolve her own issues, it might be better if you consulted a hotline where they deal with these kinds of problems on a daily basis. There are many women who don't take ALL of the steps needed to separate themselves from a situation like that, and from your post, she doesn't seem like a very strong woman to begin with.

Good luck.


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