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Old 09-09-08, 09:05 AM   #1
AEO
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The 'don't ring my door bell unless you are a delivery man' thread

*long version*
This morning...
*ding dong*
oh crap, it must be the postal man with my bike gear!
better get out of bed and find my shorts and my wallet!
*rush down to door in 10secs, still groggy*
*opens door*
I thought to myself, when I looked outside, there's no UPS, Canada Post, Fedex or even Purolator delivery truck outside, but never giving it a second thought, I opened the door.
"good morning" says this lady and a fellow chap dressed in a suit.
me: "hi..."
my cat enters the house at this opportune moment
"we're here today to tell you about a few changes in our bible"
me: "uh huh..." of course, I meant to say 'kthxgbye', but it was too early in the morning and I didn't have my cup of tea yet
The lady continues to speak
"take for instance this previously disabled man walking, this blind man taking off his shades to show he isn't blind anymore... *missing content*..." what? I wasn't paying attention, but I believe it had to do with 'miracles'
"...and which one of these would you think it would you think is the best thing to happen?" All I could think about at this point was... why me? what have I ever done to the cycling gods that this can be happening.
Me, in a terribly groggy voice: "I think the best miracle that can happen now, is if I go back to sleep" and close the door.
I don't even go to their church, why must they bug me in the wee hours of 10am?


anyways, the short version is "what's the funniest, or at least best and shortest Denial of Door Talk "DoDT" you've ever come up with? Can be charities, or in this case, Jehova's, or any other door to door buggers.
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Old 09-09-08, 09:07 AM   #2
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I have answered the door with a shotgun and a cleaning rag in my hand before. Does that count?
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Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 09-09-08, 09:11 AM   #3
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I have answered the door with a shotgun and a cleaning rag in my hand before. Does that count?
that would be gold. Too bad I can't do that in Canada.
One of these days I should just get a shirt that's soaked in blood and answer the door with that.
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Food for thought: if you aren't dead by 2050, you and your entire family will be within a few years from starvation. Now that is a cruel gift to leave for your offspring. ;)
http://sanfrancisco.ibtimes.com/arti...ger-photos.htm
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Old 09-09-08, 09:14 AM   #4
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answered the door butt naked once...
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Old 09-09-08, 09:14 AM   #5
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Just answer the door holding a sprig of herbs and say "sorry guys, but the potion in my cauldron is about to boil, and I have to put these [insert herbs here] or else my love potion will turn into a frog potion and I will have to dispose of it somehow..." then eye them up and down like you plan on disposing it down their throats.
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you should learn to embrace change, and mock it's failings every step of the way :p
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Old 09-09-08, 09:17 AM   #6
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I let my 75 pound Ridgeback/Boxer mix answer the door.

No one leaves tract literature. Packages get dropped off at the front office. Only my friends know that the dog isn't going to break down the door and tear their face off; to everyone else she sounds like Satan's own hunting dog trying to break loose.
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Old 09-09-08, 09:23 AM   #7
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I only have a 15lbs cat...


and I have neighbourhood appearances to keep up... no wait I don't... I think I'll answer the door with the blood soaked t-shirt, but with white briefs

I should go out and try and find some poison ivy...
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Food for thought: if you aren't dead by 2050, you and your entire family will be within a few years from starvation. Now that is a cruel gift to leave for your offspring. ;)
http://sanfrancisco.ibtimes.com/arti...ger-photos.htm
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Old 09-09-08, 09:25 AM   #8
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that would be gold. Too bad I can't do that in Canada.

Really? Why not?
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Old 09-09-08, 09:28 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AEO View Post
*long version*
This morning...
*ding dong*
oh crap, it must be the postal man with my bike gear!
better get out of bed and find my shorts and my wallet!
*rush down to door in 10secs, still groggy*
*opens door*
I thought to myself, when I looked outside, there's no UPS, Canada Post, Fedex or even Purolator delivery truck outside, but never giving it a second thought, I opened the door.
"good morning" says this lady and a fellow chap dressed in a suit.
me: "hi..."
my cat enters the house at this opportune moment
"we're here today to tell you about a few changes in our bible"
me: "uh huh..." of course, I meant to say 'kthxgbye', but it was too early in the morning and I didn't have my cup of tea yet
The lady continues to speak
"take for instance this previously disabled man walking, this blind man taking off his shades to show he isn't blind anymore... *missing content*..." what? I wasn't paying attention, but I believe it had to do with 'miracles'
"...and which one of these would you think it would you think is the best thing to happen?" All I could think about at this point was... why me? what have I ever done to the cycling gods that this can be happening.
Me, in a terribly groggy voice: "I think the best miracle that can happen now, is if I go back to sleep" and close the door.
I don't even go to their church, why must they bug me in the wee hours of 10am?


anyways, the short version is "what's the funniest, or at least best and shortest Denial of Door Talk "DoDT" you've ever come up with? Can be charities, or in this case, Jehova's, or any other door to door buggers.

I was expecting my friend early on a Saturday morning and had just gotten out of the shower when I heard the doorbell ring, ran downstairs yelling, "how the hell did you get here so fast?!?!?!" opened the door in wet and in a towel to a nicely dressed young woman handing out the Watchtower. Needless to say, she didn't stay long and they never came to the house again.
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Old 09-09-08, 09:29 AM   #10
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I have a pack of four dogs that go nuts whenever the doorbell rings. That usually scares anyone off.

On one occasion, when the Jehovah's Witnesses came by, I did mention that I had to excuse myself to go get stoned.
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Old 09-09-08, 09:29 AM   #11
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Well, I can answer with a rifle, maybe a shotgun too, but then I'd have to get a gun license, gun permit and the actual gun itself.

Probably Canada as a whole, no problem, but here in TO, we're a bit wary of guns at the moment
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Food for thought: if you aren't dead by 2050, you and your entire family will be within a few years from starvation. Now that is a cruel gift to leave for your offspring. ;)
http://sanfrancisco.ibtimes.com/arti...ger-photos.htm
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Old 09-09-08, 09:43 AM   #12
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Keep a photo album next to your front door. Have really silly photos in it and as soon as they pull out the bible, whip out your album and start showing them pics of Aunt Mabel making her world famous egg salad sandwiches, and the boil on your cousin's bum and such.
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Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 09-09-08, 10:32 AM   #13
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I have a sign on my door that states: "Unless you are Ed Frickin' Mc Mahaon, and are bearing a million dollar check from Publisher Clearing House, turn your arse around and don't even think of knocking!"

I also have a sign that says: "CAUTION ~ Oxygen in use. No Smoking or open flames.
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Old 09-09-08, 10:35 AM   #14
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I have a sign on my door that states: "Unless you are Ed Frickin' Mc Mahaon, and are bearing a million dollar check from Publisher Clearing House, turn your arse around and don't even think of knocking!"

I also have a sign that says: "CAUTION ~ Oxygen in use. No Smoking or open flames.
What, you want to remove the sign? It'd make things a little more exciting

Hi Stacey!
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Old 09-09-08, 10:36 AM   #15
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wee hour of 10AM?
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Old 09-09-08, 10:40 AM   #16
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Door: Ding Dong
Me: Can I help you?
Them: hello, sir, we're here to talk to you about the great benefit of our widget
Me: Oh, sure, come on in!
Them: Oh, I'm sorry sir, I can't come in, but we can talk here
Me: no, really, you can come in, it's okay, please... my house is your house
Them: thank you sir, but really, we're not allowed....
Me: Come in, please, I insist. My daughter is ovulating...
Them: ummm
Me: She's really hot.. you'll like her...
Them: ummm....

Usually stops them dead in their tracks...

* this story is fictional, obviously
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Old 09-09-08, 10:58 AM   #17
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I have a gated driveway (far cry from a 'gated community') with a couple large dogs. Our packages get throw over the fence in a plastic bag (usually one of the dogs pees on it before we get to it). I've never had the problem of solicitors.

The downside is, if I want to buy girl scout cookies, I have to find which store they're selling them in front of.

Before I moved out, I had a motorcycle, and was home alone one day. Doorbell, I answered, a 20-something year old girl was standing there, and she said "Could you give me a ride on your motorcycle?" I was a bit stunned, but before I answer she started with "just kidding! I'm trying to raise money for...blah blah blah". How disappointing.
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Old 09-09-08, 10:59 AM   #18
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I once pounded on my best friends door at 2:00 AM after a night of "gambling" at the Local VFW's Annual Feather Party. I had won a live turkey, yes a live turkey. Of course if you wanted the cage that he came in, that was $40 extra.
I threw the sh**ting bird in the back of the SUV, drove to his house as safely possible with a live turkey gobbling and sh**ting all over, hoping the rear seat would be a detriment to him jumping into the front seat.

Anyway my Buddy answered the door with a cock and loaded single action Ruger Redhawk. It is a good thing he wasn't as groggy when he answered the door as the OP!

Was a signal sent to me as to my Buddies "attitude" when he answered the door? You betcha.
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Old 09-09-08, 11:01 AM   #19
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My favorite was when I was still in high school. My mom and I lived in a house next to a farm -- meaning that we were outside of city limits, and got almost no visitors of any sort.

Two religion salesmen rode up on their bicycles, and knocked on the front door. Of course because they used bikes, I didn't hear them approach. Neither did our German Shepherd, who happened to be napping just inside the front door when they knocked. They startled the dog, and he barked like a demon dog. He was normally a friendly happy dog who would only threaten you with kisses ("let's all be friends!"). But when I opened the door to see who it was, I was holding the dog back by the collar. He was tearing gouges in the carpet, trying to go through the screen door.

I told them that perhaps now was not the best time. They agreed, and left... quite rapidly. Fun times.

For my current front door, I have tinted windows. It helps with keeping the house a bit cooler, with the added benefit that I can look out and it's very difficult to see me inside. So I just don't answer the door at all if it's not a delivery person or someone I know.
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Old 09-09-08, 03:42 PM   #20
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When I worked 3rd shift, and missionaries would stop by, I'd answer the door in my boxer shorts. They'd usually stare at my pierced nipples while trying to get their spiel out. They usually never came back.
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Old 09-09-08, 03:43 PM   #21
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I answered the door once and there was an old man who was lost and wanted to find out how to get out of out maze of a neighborhood. I said how to get out and tried to close the door but the noob insisted on there being an easier way. Only one way out buddy, bai bai.
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Old 09-09-08, 04:32 PM   #22
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The Mormon missionaries paid a visit on a lady I used to know. "Are you familiar with the Book of Mormon?", sez they. She took the Book from them, opened it to one of the first pages, pointed to the picture of the church's founder and said "That was painted by my ex-husband."

Priceless.
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Old 09-09-08, 05:00 PM   #23
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If you don't have it, get underground sprinklers installed. Get a wireless remote that overides the
timer. Keep the remote near the door. Just turn on the sprinklers on unwanted guests.

Even one cheap above ground sprinkler will do the job.

"Beware of the Dog" signs all over the place can help too. The kind with the face of a Doberman growling.

When I was a kid I let a dog out the back door to chase a cop away from the front door. It worked perfectly. We accidentally lobed a very rotten apple on the windshield of the cruiser. We thought it was just a car.
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Old 09-09-08, 05:38 PM   #24
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If you don't have it, get underground sprinklers installed. Get a wireless remote that overides the
timer. Keep the remote near the door. Just turn on the sprinklers on unwanted guests.

Even one cheap above ground sprinkler will do the job.

"Beware of the Dog" signs all over the place can help too. The kind with the face of a Doberman growling.

When I was a kid I let a dog out the back door to chase a cop away from the front door. It worked perfectly. We accidentally lobed a very rotten apple on the windshield of the cruiser. We thought it was just a car.
you should see my lawn, there's no need for a sprinkler system because there's almost no grass, lol.
that and it's been the wettest year here, ever, in recorded history.

Quote:
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I have a sign on my door that states: "Unless you are Ed Frickin' Mc Mahaon, and are bearing a million dollar check from Publisher Clearing House, turn your arse around and don't even think of knocking!"

I also have a sign that says: "CAUTION ~ Oxygen in use. No Smoking or open flames.
I would like a million dollar check too, preferably USD
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http://sanfrancisco.ibtimes.com/arti...ger-photos.htm
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Old 09-09-08, 05:45 PM   #25
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We have a sign on the front door with a picture of a German Shepard and "I can make it to the gate in six seconds flat. Can you?".

What I would like to post is "Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again." except we couldn't follow through with the threat. We have no firearms.
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