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Old 10-10-08, 01:35 PM   #1
RuthEllen85
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What makes me laugh!

Here I wanted to share what makes me laugh! Feel free to add your funny stuff!
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Old 10-10-08, 01:36 PM   #2
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Here are some examples of airline attendants that told in the in-flight safety lecture (They are real)

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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Old 10-10-08, 01:37 PM   #3
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1. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
2. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.
3. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A stick.
4. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
5. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right where you left him.
6. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
7. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because it scares the dog.
8. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
9. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.
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Old 10-10-08, 01:39 PM   #4
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In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays ($1000-$5000) for People to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $5000:

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist!
Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to
tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 a.m.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have
any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra
effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called
in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond.
When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she
called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. he replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
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Old 10-10-08, 01:44 PM   #5
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In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States , and said: 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build
another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans.' He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: 'You have 6 months to
build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and
40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard - but no Ark. 'Noah!' he roared, 'I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need
for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board
for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond
be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other
overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to
the sea; I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they
would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem.
There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl;
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to
save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an
animal rights group sued me; they insisted that I was confining wild
animals against their will; they argued the accommodations were too
restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a
confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed
flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the greencard status
of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't
use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my
assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with
endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least
10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked: ''You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The Government beat me to it.'
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Old 10-10-08, 01:49 PM   #6
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Before the wedding

Man: Finally, I have been waiting for this forever!
Woman: You want me to leave?
Man: Not at all! Don’t even think about it!
Woman: Do you love me?
Man: Of course! Always!
Woman: Did you ever cheat on me?
Man: Yichs! Of course not!
Woman: Will you have sex only with me?
Man: Sure! At any chance I get.
Woman: Will you hit me?
Man: Are you nuts?
Woman: Can I count on you?
Man: Yes…
Woman: My love!

After the wedding:
Just read the above from bottom to top….
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Old 10-10-08, 01:50 PM   #7
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A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in
front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got
out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off
the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident
and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the
cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming
hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day
before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter
how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you
neglect the most important things in life ."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?
It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

“MY ROLEX!"
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Old 10-10-08, 01:54 PM   #8
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9 words women use
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five
more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
in fine ( #1) .
4.)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ... YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,
but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's
wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology.
Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause
they know it's true.
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Old 10-10-08, 01:56 PM   #9
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why men are happier...
Men Are Just Happier People-What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or! mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. ! You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
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Old 10-10-08, 01:58 PM   #10
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The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss " and he taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
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Old 10-10-08, 01:59 PM   #11
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Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance problems, and the solution recorded by maintenance crews.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on backorder.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200-fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for!

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution: Suspect you're right.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Problem: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.
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Old 10-10-08, 02:05 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by RuthEllen85 View Post
Here I wanted to share what makes me laugh! Feel free to add your funny stuff!
Gutwrenching Chainletter Email

I am a very sick boy little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. (Don't cry, Mommy!) Mommy is always sad, but she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that anymore.

The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep. The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us havin' no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.

Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me.

You can help me if you forward this e-mail. Dr. Van Nostrem from the clinic said if you foward this e-mail then Bill Gates will team up with AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect prayers from school children all over America and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The doctors said that every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels.

Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this e-mail, that's OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless sh*thead who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that, if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death so you can burn forever in the tar pits of hell. What kind of goddamned person are you that you can't take five f--king minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy. One time I had a puppy but he ate my leaves.

Thank You.

The boy with just a head. And a burlap sack for a body.
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Old 10-10-08, 02:15 PM   #13
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My dog has no nose.

How does he smell?

Awful!
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Old 10-10-08, 02:16 PM   #14
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A horse walks into a bar. "Why the long face?" asks the bartender.
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Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 10-10-08, 02:17 PM   #15
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
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Old 10-10-08, 02:18 PM   #16
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A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says "I am looking for the man who shot my paw!"
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Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 10-10-08, 02:19 PM   #17
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent
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Old 10-10-08, 02:19 PM   #18
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Q: How many expressionist painters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The fish.
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Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 10-10-08, 02:20 PM   #19
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A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight
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Old 10-10-08, 02:32 PM   #20
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Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon.

Billy Bob says, “Ya know, I reckon I’m about ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.

“Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Sue got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Sue didn’t get pregnant again.”

Lester asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Betty Sue WITH me.”
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Old 10-10-08, 02:33 PM   #21
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Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work? A: Stop shaking it.
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Old 10-10-08, 02:35 PM   #22
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, “What is this, father?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father watched wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles of light with numbers above the wall lit up. They continued to watch with fascination as the circles then lit up in the reverse direction.

When the walls opened again and out walked a beautiful 24-year-old woman, the man turns to his son and said, “Go get your Mother.”
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Old 10-10-08, 02:35 PM   #23
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Rejected Titles For Children’s Books
1. You are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife 'Greg'
4. Fun four-letter Words to know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An "I-Can-Do-It Book:
6. The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way
19. You were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster. And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet paper, and your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool
30. If It Feels Good, Touch It!
31. Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet
32. 101 Fun Games To Play In The Road
33. You Can't Help It If You're Stupid
34. Patty Went Splat! (Don't YOU Forget Your Seatbelt)
35. Bullies Deserve To Die
36. Mommy's Got A New Baby To Love
37. Timmy's The Wrong Color To Be Your Friend
38. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You're Not A Sissy
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Old 10-10-08, 02:42 PM   #24
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A blonde was telling a priest a Polock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, 'Don't you know I'm Polish?'


'Oh, I'm sorry,' the blonde apologizes, 'do you want me to start over and talk slower?'
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Old 10-10-08, 02:45 PM   #25
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Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
DEATH to all fanatics.
Silence is not always golden... sometimes it is yellow.
If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!
If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we couldn't understand.
To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.
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